‘You’ll probably never have that now’

[Whatpancake]

I saw a friend for a walk today. For context this year I had a horrible break up. I nearly took my life i was so unhappy, not just with the break up but sadness of having no family of my own.

She asked if I had met anyone recently. I said no, online dating was a bit rubbish and I was starting to think I couldn’t picture a happy family home with someone. She said oh well yeah I mean you’ll probably never have all that now.

I’m just crushed. I know that’s the reality. I’m just so sad about it. I feel so down. I don’t have some illusion that a marriage is some sort of bliss. But id love to just have a go at it all, actually be doing all that. I’ve done everything else I wanted to. Travelled, career, home, been to fancy restaurants and pursued unusual and interesting hobbies. But I want so much to experience a life with someone, a family. I’m so sad about it.

Don’t know what I’m asking. Just not really ok at all :(

(I’ve seen posts before where people say just do it alone but that’s literally not what I’m getting at here, I want the chance of a family with someone, even if it goes wrong eventually. I just want to have a go at it. I don’t want a family on my own)

So many nice messages I am so grateful. Feel in a pit today.

I know there are people who do have all these things but it’s true that pregnancy is higher risk when older and it’s true that most people have already found someone by now.

I have joined a couple of free sites, bumble and tinder and one paid site. There’s someone I like the sound of from his profile on the paid site, we’ve had a couple of messages so far. I just can’t see anything really happening anymore.

I always think that men in their late 30s/40s want and can have much younger than me now.

My sister who is 8 years younger than me is getting married next year and she’s been with her fiancé for 10 years. I feel so so so on the shelf and a mess. She has all the memories with him going back year and has had so many anniversaries, bought a house and now planning a wedding. I feel like I’ve been left behind.

OP, are you the lovely poster with the other thread about the bad break-up earlier this year, and your sadness ever since?

I'm sorry your friend was so negative and tactless! What she said was 100% BS but i can see why it'd hurt, as it's giving Confirmation Bias to your worst fears.

But let's see it from your friend's POV: is she single? Usually a bit negative (that she dresses up as being "realistic")? Unlucky? Or just likes to keep pother people in their place..? If you were happier, is she the sort of friend you'd be hanging out with? Or is she the old faithful "dependable" friend who's usually free (because she's so miserable, lol)?

Ah OP, you are feeling miserable, you've had a bad break-up, it's a crap year generally, everyone's MH is suffering. Give yourself a break and be more of a friend to yourself than your friend is, at least!

I always think that men in their late 30s/40s want and can have much younger than me now.
60% want a much younger woman, 30% have a chance with a much younger woman and 20% manage to keep up a relationship with one. Leaving 80% for you. That's statistics, no arguing with that

My mum's second marriage was indeed with a man 10 years older than her. She was a pretty bitchy 33yo single mum. He is the loveliest guy you have ever met and a wonderful grandad and stepgrandad :) Are you only looking for men your age, or is it just a preference?

@MacbookHo I actually set up an account to post this I’m ashamed to say! So no that wasn’t me...how can I find that thread? Sounds like we are in a similar boat!

It was a bit out of character of her to say really. I wasn’t moping around about things either but she can sometimes be quite patronising and always like to be ahead of the game in everything in life. It just made me think everyone else thinks this of me just like I do. I feel like there’s just no hope really and some people have all these experiences with a family so much younger than me. It doesn’t feel like it will happen. Even when I match with someone I like I just think it probably won’t go anywhere now and they just want a fling.

Why will you not have that?
Does your friend have a crystal ball?

I’ll try to find the other threads. There are two that are very similar to your situation. It’d be lovely if you could all meet and cheer each other up over Christmas! floats away on optimism: And maybe all marry each other’s brothers, and live happily ever after...

It doesn’t feel like it will happen.

I’ve thought this several times in my life. With real certainty. Absolutely KNOWING FOR A FACT that what I wanted was 100% never going to happen.

I was wrong every time.

OP in the nicest possible way...these "I feel" hopeless statements are just that. Your feelings are actually just negative opinions with no base in reality because you can't predict the future tricking you into believing them. You can believe them and let them bring you down or you can act as if they're just someone's opinion and continue on, open-minded and saying yes to anyone who comes along that you have an interest in getting to know.

You really have no idea what next year might bring despite what your mind is saying.

This poster is lovely. Like you, she’s so sad after a break up earlier this year. There’s lots of lovely advice and support on there.

You need to change your doom and gloom mindset. You are saying you think there is no hope but many people on here have told you they met husbands and had families years older than you are now.

If you want something, be proactive and do everything you can to get it.

Some 42% of marriages in uk end in divorce. Married people aren't necessarily better off. A partner can walk out at any time and many people stay in unhappy marriages.

Cry it out but set a time limit to moving forward proactively with hope. None of us know what our futures hold. A close friend of mine married young and found out she could never have children which was devastatingfor her. She is also currently in therapy and addressing issues that her husband is emotionally abusive.

Get back put there and get the life you want.

And here, look! A thread for loads of mutual support.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4072150-Heartbreak-hotel

Your 'friend' is an absolute knob. Ditch her for your own sake!

And for what it's worth my ex left me and my 15 month old last year. A year later I found a lovely fella on online dating. We've been seeing each other for 4 months, became official last month and he'll be meeting my son in May (designated 6 month period after ex was notified of new relationship).

You are not destined to be alone. What a ridiculous thing to say.

christmas times are worse for these situations.
have you read The Secret?
there is a part where someone wants the same as you.
what she had to do was prepare space for that person.

She is jealous of all the things you've done and trying to keep you in your box. Hurting you may make her feel better. If so, she is not a friend.

I wish I hadn’t ended past relationships, at the time I was so sure they weren’t right.

Trust your past judgement OP. Unless you were dumping people for the wrong eye colour or something I strongly suspect you were absolutely right to end the relationships.

At 36 you absolutely have time to find someone and have a family. However, much of what you're saying sounds to me like depression, or the start of it. The absolutism and the negativity sound depressive. NB I'm not clinically trained but I have had treatment for depression. The things you are saying are similar in tone to what I was saying when I was diagnosed.

I would consider booking an appointment with a GP to talk about some of your negative thoughts. I'm not criticising you for having those thoughts, just saying that they are worth addressing. I wish I could tell my 36 year old self to keep hoping, as negativity is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. We do it to protect ourselves, but unfortunately it often has the reverse effect of harming us.

In my mid 40s I met someone ideal for me. Too late for me to have children, but he has a child and the three of us are a family unit. Will we have a 50th anniversary together? Unlikely. But I will feel very lucky and glad if we manage a 10th and realistically we might make 30. That would be fantastic.

Your friend probably didn’t mean any harm. She was just wallowing around in the misery with you, got carried away and lost all perspective.

The truth is, 36 is not too late at all. You are now in a better position to find the right person than ever. You know more about yourself and more about what you want.

Trust that you are loveable and that the right man will be attracted to you because it is true.

Your goal is not to be so fabulous that any man would want you, but to go through a sorting process to find the right fit. Forget about not being perceived as needy, forget about other people’s timetables.

To the right man, and I think you are saying that the right man would be looking to start a family and settle down, what you want and your timetable will be perfect. Because he wants the same thing and is at the same place in his life.

So get out there and be honest and direct about what you want and who you are. Have enough confidence and self esteem not to get messed around by time wasters and don’t view lack of fit as a rejection. All the ones you can’t have just don’t matter when you find the right one for you.

You're not too old to still have all the things you want at 36! I met my husband at 38 (after an 8 year string of romantic disasters), had DD at 40 and married at 43. Ok I'd rather have been married first, but we had to prioritise and it was lovely having DD at our wedding.

At 36 I felt very much as you do now. I had some therapy and formulated a plan B for how a happy life could look without my own family...it removed a lot of the awfulness I was feeling and gave me some positive things to focus on so that I wasn't thinking about "the lack" quite so much because both the plan A and the plan B had value.

OP, at 36 I was single after a load of shitty relationships. Got some therapy and learned to love myself. Started doing things for me. At nearly 38 met DH. Married at 39, pregnant at 40, baby at 41. It is perfectly possible, but only if you start looking after yourself and take the time to invest in your well-being. That means lose the crap attitude towards yourself.

Honestly when I read your first posts before you mentioned your age I was picturing someone in the 50's. You are only in your mid 30's!!!! That is young!!!!
The way you describe yourself sounds awful though and I think you're doing yourself a disservice. Your friends comments upset you so much because, as well as being unkind, they actually sounded like your own inner thoughts. I think you should work on this.

And when (not if) you meet the man of your dreams you will be so happy you did all those adventurous things in your 20's and 30's as it will have made you more interesting as a potential life partner and also as a mum.

Good luck xx

OP you need to find a new friend and go NC with this person. How toxic and mean, I am sorry she made you feel crap.

One other thing. I too was worried that if I ever did meet someone I'd not be able to conceive or something. So I paid for private fertility assessments aged 35 and again at 38. This gave me the reassurance that I wasn't dealing with any major infertility issues other than my age. I then got "match fit" for pregnancy from the moment my DH and I decided we'd like a family but 2 years before I actually started TTC. Got fit and ate super healthy fertility foods. You can control this yourself. You have no actual reason to think you can't have kids but it's all in your head.

It sounds like everyone you know married early. Where I live in a city there are loads of women only having babies in their 40's so it's quite common. You are right not to be complacent but I don't think you have a reason to be so pessimistic about your chances.

Well she sounds well out of order to me! Honestly does she have a crystal ball or something? So many women and men have met and married a bit later on .Even if you dont have biological children ,you could be a SM or adopt .So many women have DC later and later .I read an article where more and more women over 45 are having babies .She sounds rude and rather thoughtless to me.

It honestly makes me feel quite sick to think of all the problems I could face trying to have a family due to my age

OP, this is just ridiculous. it couldn't be more common to be having babies at 38+, usually with no more problems than anyone else. I was 39!

There are services you can join to match up with people who are looking for marriage and children as opposed to sex and holidays. IF that's really what you want, you need to actually work at it. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to get you anywhere.

You're 36, and have already assumed you're on the shelf and will never have what you want in life...? You realise you have another 40ish years of living to do - what is your plan?

I'm sorry about what your friend said. It's hard to know whether it was said in malice, thoughtlessness or just frustration (if you've been having this doom and gloom mindset for many years). Either way, let her know how it made you feel, so you don't have to stew over it, and it makes her realise how inconsiderate her statement was.

However, your own attitude to your future is more concerning. At 36 you have plenty of time to meet someone, but it isn't going to happen overnight. Yes, you will need to go through the entire process of dating, getting to know people, building a life together etc. It could happen quickly or take years, but you must still keep hope. Because there's enough stories/threads out there of women who've met their partners much later in life. Meghan Markle didn't meet Harry till she was 36 - and she is a stunning and successful woman. Emilia Clarke is 34, and only met her bf quite recently.

Get back on the apps, and stay on them till you meet someone. Introspect on how you come across and whether you're giving off a positive energy to potential dates, or one that is cynical and jaded. Relationships are not guaranteed but there's billions of men out there - so if you really really want to have a relationship and a family - you're going to have to do the hard slog of dating, facing rejection, picking yourself up and starting again. But self pity will not get you anywhere good. Sorry, for being harsh - my intention is not to hurt you, but to show you that you carry agency in your own life.

Have a cry, mope, feel sorry for yourself, introspect on why/what dating has been unsuccessful, lessons you can learn - but time box it, so you can then start making a plan for your future.

Wow, that is so harsh and so cold. I'm sorry anyone was so cruel to you. You are far from out of the game! I have 3 kids, had my first at 37.5. My friend only met her now husband when she was nearly 40. They were married within a year, they now have a two year old. It absolutely happens. I think older people make these decisions far faster, they don't feel the need to date for years and years. Chin up op!

Another one with lots of positive stories of later marriages.

I had my dcs at 38 and 41. I have three friends who have given birth at 45, 46 and 47 to healthy happy children. I have two other friends who did not meet their life partners until 50 but are now both step mums with a blended family. I knew one lady who did not marry until aged 63 - she spent the next 20 years travelling the world, to very exotic places, and looks fantastic still at 83!

You are who you are. You made the choices you made for a reason. Look forward, not back. Unexpected, and good things happen to people.