‘You’ll probably never have that now’

[Whatpancake]

I saw a friend for a walk today. For context this year I had a horrible break up. I nearly took my life i was so unhappy, not just with the break up but sadness of having no family of my own.

She asked if I had met anyone recently. I said no, online dating was a bit rubbish and I was starting to think I couldn’t picture a happy family home with someone. She said oh well yeah I mean you’ll probably never have all that now.

I’m just crushed. I know that’s the reality. I’m just so sad about it. I feel so down. I don’t have some illusion that a marriage is some sort of bliss. But id love to just have a go at it all, actually be doing all that. I’ve done everything else I wanted to. Travelled, career, home, been to fancy restaurants and pursued unusual and interesting hobbies. But I want so much to experience a life with someone, a family. I’m so sad about it.

Don’t know what I’m asking. Just not really ok at all :(

(I’ve seen posts before where people say just do it alone but that’s literally not what I’m getting at here, I want the chance of a family with someone, even if it goes wrong eventually. I just want to have a go at it. I don’t want a family on my own)

How old are the men you are meeting OP? My male friends in their mid- late 30s all seem to have suddenly developed a strong urge to have a family ( including the ones who were perpetually switching girlfriends just 2-3 years ago) .. i also met a 40 year old woman at the end of last year who was VERY single at the time, dating quite a lot.. she then met someone, moved in with him and is now pregnant, all this happened within 8 months . Don’t let your friend stress you out, sometimes people say weird things it definitely doesn’t mean she’s right!!!

@Whatpancake

Thanks it all just feels so utterly hopeless. I’ve been speaking to men online and most say they are planning on relocating soon or want to find a ‘travel buddy’ or someone to get smashed with at the weekends...

Just makes me feel hopeless. It’s like there’s really nobody left.

That's men online. Don't give up. I met dh as a friend and within 18mths was pregnant. We crammed a lot into that 18mths, traveled and had fun. Now we have 2.5kids,less fun but settled. Although he still can't Hoover properly.

How old are you.
Your friend was a bit harsh but maybe she was agreeing with you. Hard to know out of context.

Op, I met ds's dad at 43 and has ds at 45.

There is no reason to think you can't have a family. Your friend is just wrong.

Some people have no filter and think the whole world is just desperate to hear their thoughts on everything.

Obviously none of us can predict whether you'll meet someone you can start a family with in time but if it doesn't happen then you need the right friends. It's not the same but you'll need people who don't add to your feelings of unhappiness about the situation if that makes sense.

On the surface it sounds like a harsh comment from the friend. But I wonder whether she was frustrated at OPs attitude. Sometimes it easier to just agree that they should just give up rather than having be a cheerleader in the face of extreme negativity and woe is me. Wouldn’t be surprised if the of OP is early 30s max.

Thanks for posts. I’m not feeling great this morning. I keep revisiting past relationships and wishing so much that I’d made those work.

I was 36 yesterday and that made all of this seem a million times worse. I have read loads about problems in pregnancy after 35 like downs etc and I just feel like I’m drowning in panic. I do know on some level that I’m being irrational but there’s moments everyday where it feels intensely real and of course the truth is that it’s harder with age. I haven’t even found anyone yet. Its not even really that I’m lonely, I just desperately want a future with someone and to build a life together. I know it’s not a fairytale but it’s a life experience. I’ve never celebrated a 10 year anniversary, never bought a house with someone. No traditions with anyone. No family moments in the car whether it be a blazing row and spilled drinks or a happy journey to a weekend break. I can’t even imagine feelings for anyone these days. When I was younger I had hope. It honestly makes me feel quite sick to think of all the problems I could face trying to have a family due to my age. I wish I hadn’t ended past relationships, at the time I was so sure they weren’t right.

It's hard meeting people. Looking at my own friends some people just don't get on with the process of online dating. If you don't get lucky and meet the right person organically and aren't suited to online dating there isn't much else these days.

@Whatpancake oh I want to send you some real virtual hugs and lots of hope. 36 is the new 26 these days and I promise there is lots of future ahead. I am 41 and had my DS3 at 38. I am a single parent and I like you absolutely craved the traditional family life.
Online dating is crap but there is success, I know a lot of friends who have met their long term partners on there.
My friend met her partner and they moved in and planned a baby together after less than a year. He was 42 and really wanted kids. They have been together years now. Xx

I think how you're feeling is pretty common.
I remember a long term relationship ending in my late 20s and I spiralled into a hole thinking that was it, no more relationships, I was doomed, forever to be alone with nobody etc etc.
I really had a great mope.

36 probably feels old to you if you do the comparison game.
But in reality it's not.
Maybe do a mood board or write down things that you want, what makes you happy and start imagining these things and how you'll get to them.
I'm sure once you start feeling a bit more fulfilled in your life and what you've already achieved you'll attract like minded people and perhaps someone special.
Old relationships failed for a reason, in the misery pit it's easy for you to romanticize them, think of how annoying they were instead, of the reasons you ended it.

Yes over 35 you have increased risks but plenty of people don't have issues, there's screening etc. If you're a healthy 36 you're in a better place than an unhealthy chainsmoking 21 year old.
You're going to be fine.

Wow, you're not even that old, you've still got time to meet someone and have a family. I had no children when I turned 36, I now have 3. Your friend either made a thoughtless comment or was getting annoyed at your doom and gloom viewpoint. Have a good cry then forget about it, it's not worth falling out over. You may have children, you may not. You can have a good life either way. Maybe today is the day you meet the person you spend the rest of your life with, just don't waste time on the no-hopers.

Hey op. You're still young! I met my now ex at 35 and had 3 kids with him. He's the one who wanted kids asap and I fell pregnant within 2 months of getting together with him.

I've been online dating for a few years now and had a few relationships and talked to lots of men. Some were idiots, many were nice but just not for me or me for them and the man I'm with now is an absolute jewel.

I have friends who won't give online dating a go because they don't want to put up with all the crap to meet someone but I think they are missing out.

@Whatpancake I know how horrible it feels and I’m sure it’s worse with all this Covid stuff going on.

You really never know how life will turn out. I got married at 31 hoping for all you’re hoping for now. But didn’t get pregnant til I’d given up hope at 38. All good. I was worried about the things you are but the consultant was most reassuring!

DH then departed eighth years later. I was devastated but the went on tinder and met my lovely DP. And I was much older than you!

Only thing I would add is to give some more consideration to bring a mother on your own. My dc brings me more joy and peace than anyone ever has and we feel like a family with all the rituals and stuff you describe.

[quote Whatpancake]@Hohohole I honestly can’t see it happening now. It’s more that I don’t want to date and wait to move in then wait to get engaged then wait to be married then wait for a child. I wouldn’t have time anyway for it and what man wants to rush something. None. It just won’t happen.[/quote]
OP how old are you? A friend of mine met her now husband at the age of 36 after years of being single. They were married and had a baby within 2 years and are completely blissfully happy. So you say you ‘don’t want to wait’ for dating, then living together, then marriage etc but if you meet the right person it might happen quickly any way?

I when I met my husband we were living together after 6 months and engaged at 18 months. Not everything in a relationship has to take ages to progress.

Sorry OP just read that you are 36

You are only 36. Anything is possible. I had a baby at 41 and no problems. They majority of people still have fertility over 35. Ignore the cow!

Hi OP

"most men want to have a time of holidays and travel and then seeing how things go before an engagement etc"

This isn't true for many men over 40. It's the opposite in fact. They have lived, travelled, been free and happily watched their friends settle down and now want what you do.

Or they are divorced and are in family mode and would like another child in a new relationship.

Older people often know what they want and are a bit more realistic that marriages can go south no matter how much time you were together first. It's about how much work you put into the relationship, communication etc if you have basic compatibility, not time.

Some men will want to marry you and start a family within a year.

Have a Mumsnet search for pregnant and together less than a year. Loads of posters reassure those mums to be it all worked out so far for them.

Lots of people on the adoption boards have also met in their late 30s and beyond.

OP I was I expecting you to say you were 46 not 36!
You genuinely have plenty of time and as others have said - there absolutely are men out there who will want exactly what you do.

In the kindest way being stuck in this negative mind set will not take you any closer to what you want.

A friend once said to me ‘we are the same age and look at where I am and how much I’ve accomplished with my life compared you’
I’ve never let that comment go but I’ve also never let it affect me to the point of stopping my accomplishments.
Good luck OP.

It was a really shitty thing to say. Not sure if this will come across as reassuring or not but here goes. It didn’t happen for me. I was single for years and I ran out of time. I had a couple of years of being insanely broody, but you do get to a point where life makes that stop, because the perimenopause starts. I would have loved to have a family, but it didn’t happen for me.
But, that’s not to say that I’ve spent the last ten years being miserable. Life is what you make of it and I was determined to enjoy what I did have - a good job, a home, a few friends who didn’t make shitty comments (I got rid of those who did). I got myself in a happy place, embraced being a cool auntie and almost auntie and godmother, and accepted my lot. Six months ago I met the most amazing, lovely, kind man, who is so well suited to me. We aren’t going to have kids, but we have a future together.
Life is what you make of it, so grab on to it with both hands and get your money’s worth.

@WhySoSensitive

OP I was I expecting you to say you were 46 not 36! You genuinely have plenty of time and as others have said - there absolutely are men out there who will want exactly what you do.

In the kindest way being stuck in this negative mind set will not take you any closer to what you want.

A friend once said to me ‘we are the same age and look at where I am and how much I’ve accomplished with my life compared you’
I’ve never let that comment go but I’ve also never let it affect me to the point of stopping my accomplishments.
Good luck OP.

A friend said that, @WhySoSensitive? Good on you for not letting it faze you, but it’s remarkably unpleasant!

The right man will fast track a relationship for the right woman. I was single after getting out of an abusive relationship and wasn't looking for anyone. I met my now fiancé at 35 and I was honest about wanting marriage and a baby sooner rather than later so that he had the opportunity to cut and run if that wasn't what he wanted. He was happy with that and it just felt right with him - two years later we've got engaged (the wedding was postponed due to COVID), bought a house together and had a baby. Ignore your friend, that's a cruel thing to say.

@KleinBlue it made me view our friendship in a very very different light.
I got married a month before her, and had a baby a month before her - she asked me if I had moved my plans forward to try and ‘accomplish these things first for once’
Sadly it’s her personality, but we are mostly distant now.

(Oh and she asked me if I was jealous that her wedding was larger and without want, whereas mine was small and family only!) 😂

I thought you were going to say you were 46, 36 is nothing!

[quote WhySoSensitive]@KleinBlue it made me view our friendship in a very very different light.
I got married a month before her, and had a baby a month before her - she asked me if I had moved my plans forward to try and ‘accomplish these things first for once’
Sadly it’s her personality, but we are mostly distant now.[/quote]
God Almighty. The more you say, the more mind-boggling she sounds.

Having said that, that kind of person is often completely deluded about the life they appear to continually compare favourably with that of others. I have a friend who is a former colleague in a job environment we both hated, and I’ll admit I was probably more moany than usual, in part just as a fellow-feeling thing, as we shared an office, and she was very miserable and regularly signed off with stress. However, I was pretty happy with my life outside of that job, which I subsequently quit, have moved countries, which has been great, and have actually had a good 2020 compared to others — but a recent conversation made me realise that in her head, I’m an unhappy victim-figure who is permanently facing major problems, for whom nothing goes right.

This is no way accurately describes my life by any objective measure, but I’m entrenched as a ‘fellow-loser’ in her head! I realised

Bloody hell, OP, with friends like that ... etc.

My stepmother was older than you when she met my dad. Until she met my dad, she'd dated, but never lived with anyone before; she was still living with her mum. They got married and started fostering; like an OP there are a couple of foster children they are still very much in touch with as adults. Then she had my half-brother - her first child - at age 42. She's had a full, interesting life, and still looks back proudly on her single years when she travelled the world and did all kinds of interesting things with friends.

Totally understand your panic, but honestly, your friend deserves a good telling-off!