‘You’ll probably never have that now’

[Whatpancake]

I saw a friend for a walk today. For context this year I had a horrible break up. I nearly took my life i was so unhappy, not just with the break up but sadness of having no family of my own.

She asked if I had met anyone recently. I said no, online dating was a bit rubbish and I was starting to think I couldn’t picture a happy family home with someone. She said oh well yeah I mean you’ll probably never have all that now.

I’m just crushed. I know that’s the reality. I’m just so sad about it. I feel so down. I don’t have some illusion that a marriage is some sort of bliss. But id love to just have a go at it all, actually be doing all that. I’ve done everything else I wanted to. Travelled, career, home, been to fancy restaurants and pursued unusual and interesting hobbies. But I want so much to experience a life with someone, a family. I’m so sad about it.

Don’t know what I’m asking. Just not really ok at all :(

(I’ve seen posts before where people say just do it alone but that’s literally not what I’m getting at here, I want the chance of a family with someone, even if it goes wrong eventually. I just want to have a go at it. I don’t want a family on my own)

OP, I know how you feel - coming back after a bad break up can be crushing. But I am WAY older than you (42) and after my last crushing break up have met a LOVELY 44 year old bloke on Tinder! And he’s definitely up for commitment - we aren’t getting any younger after all. Dunno if we will try for more children as we both have one already, but it’s not impossible! If I wanted one I am sure he would be up for it to be honest - it’s me who is certain.

You have everything going for you. Try not to despair. You do sound very without hope. Have you ever considered it possible you may be suffering from a little depression?

And your friend sounds like a twat, by the way.

Your friend sounds like a cow!

My friend is in a similar situation to you - we are both 40 - and I would never say anything like that to her. I wouldn't even think it to be honest.

Who knows what the future holds for anyone

@tinyvulture thanks. Your new DP sounds lovely. It is nice to read things like this.

I’m crying as I’m typing this which sounds pathetic, I know. I’m usually quite strong and have been very independent and even in my darkest days I’ve tried to plod on. But I just feel overwhelmed by the fear. I wake up at 4am sometimes already crying which is a new one! I have images of dying alone, of people being glad I’m gone because I was a burden or falling down the stairs and nobody realising for hours (I know this could happen to anyone single or not). It’s all become too much. I can’t stand swiping through profiles thinking that another nice looking man could turn out to be the monster my ex was. I don’t think any man will ever understand me and love me and share a future with me.

Right now you're focussing on the anxiety puddle. Hope and lack of it is a bitch. Make a list of what you really want in the type of imaginary partner you'd like at 60. What's your relationship like? What's he like? What do you love about people that you love now? What hobbies or companionship would you really value?
I did this and it had the really bizarre effect of knocking my previous 'type' to the kerb. I stopped considering them as options. Met someone who genuinely makes normal everyday stuff better. I doubt he'd suit everyone but he suits me.

You know what, OP, in addition to all the reassurances you’ve had about meeting someone, does it perhaps help to think about making a plan for going it alone on the kids front? You mentioned early in the thread that you’ve got a good career - can you start putting money aside to pay for IVF, etc, and single parenthood? A family doesn’t just have to mean a couple though of course I understand that’s what you primarily want. Would it help you feel more positive if you sat down and started figuring out a plan for how to create your own little family?

36?! 36 is YOUNG. Bloody hell, your friend is a total bitch.

Honestly, at 36 you have loads of time. You even have time to meet/ have holidays/move in/ get married then get pregnant.

I thought you were going to say you were 46. And even then you could meet someone who had children and become a step parent.

I think it's time to think about your boundaries in friendship. A lot of times we think of boundaries and emotional abuse in relationships, but give our "friends" free reign to abuse us. She seems horrid.

Reading your latest update, OP, I think you should speak to a GP asap, and get the appropriate professional support. To help with your obvious anxiety and upset over relationship failure, but also to understand why you feel life without a family isn't worthwhile, and causing so much distress. They can help you re-frame the problem and figure out what exactly it is you think a relationship will fix/what gap it will fill.

Otherwise you will fall into the vicious cycle of meeting unsuitable men (who you will attract as self fulfilling prophecy), get crushed when it doesn't work out and then fall deeper into the hole.

Because relationships aren't guaranteed, so to frame your happiness on something you have no control over is not going to be good for you. I completely understand the loneliness and heartache that comes from not having someone (you're not at all pathetic, just human) - but if it's making you question your existence and want to take your life, you need to speak to someone.

Do you have close family and OTHER NICER friends you can confide in about how you're feeling? People other than a partner can and will care for you and your life.

Oh OP I am sorry what an awful thing to say.

Please don't despair, there are men out there who really really want to settle down and have babies. I know a few who feel/felt just like you do, you just need to find them. Sadly online dating attracts a certain sort and skews your perspective.

And even if you don't end up having your own babies that doesn't mean a family is out of the question. I know it isn't the same but you might meet a man who has children already or who wants to foster or adopt.

Sounds like you are probably a bit depressed, OP. Are you having trouble getting off to sleep as well as waking up too early? Would be a typical symptom. The winter months don't help. Personally, as well as some ADs to tide me over the hard part, I found it helpful to pay for some professional therapy. You've been tough and plodded on so far, but you don't have to do it on your own, you know.

Don't give up OP you're only 36!! I know it might seem old to you now but it's really not.

Keep going - you've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the right one. It's a question of law of averages.
Your friend is quite a nasty bitch for putting you down like that. She's probably jealous of you (without you realising) and wanted to put you in your place. DON'T pay any attention to her and don't lose confidence in yourself.
Good luck there's someone out there waiting for you.

My friend is in a similar situation to you - we are both 40 - and I would never say anything like that to her. I wouldn't even think it to be honest.

Because you are an actual friend. The OP appears to have a frenemy.

I met my second wife via OLD when she was 35 and I was 36. I had been married for 10 years but drifted apart from my first wife - probably got married too young in hindsight. My now wife and I were married after about a year and a half and had our first child a year and a couple of months later. We've been happily married 9 years and have 2 DC. It's certainly not true that men always want to take their time. It just depends on the circumstances. It CAN happen.

I met my dh when I was 32 and he was 37. We married at 35 and 40. Turns out we both have fertility issues so no children for us. But I'm soon to celebrate my 10th wedding anniversary with an incredible man and I'm going to start mentoring care leavers. Sometimes we build 'families' in different ways. I'd rather have my life with him than a mediocre marriage and 2.4 kids.

I’m sorry but that is complete and utter bullsh*t! Never believe that thought. Ever!

why not live in a shared house with other single people your age?

My DSis met her DH at 36. She has just had her first baby, my beautiful nephew!

You are definitely not too old! I had DS at 24 he's now 8 years old and I'm one of the youngest of the school mums, some of them didn't have children until 42/43...late 30s is the new normal age I really wouldn't worry

How dare she? She doesn't know what she is talking about.

Myself, my sister and many of our friends had children in our 40s. No problems. Two other friends met their husbands in their twenties and despite their best efforts never had any children. I was single at your age but had a multitude of health problems, met my DP, have a beautiful child against all the odds and we are currently planning our wedding.

Don't give up hope, ever but certainly not at 36!

Oh OP! Your friend is wrong. Put your energy into proving to her that she is.

You need to shake yourself off and stop being so negative. Open yourself up and open your mind too! Put yourself out there. Get online and get out and meet people. Put yourself out of your comfort zone. I met my partner at 36. He is the same age as me and he wanted to settle down and have a family. Which we now have

Your not on the shelf yet

OP you sound so sad, I’m sorry for your heartbreak. It takes time to put yourself back together and be ready to trust again, especially if you’ve been royally screwed over.

What your friend said was not only mean but also total horseshit. I met DH on Tinder just before I turned 34. I’m now 39 and we’ve got 2 kids and trying for a third. He was keener on settling down than me! It can all change so quickly when you kiss the right frog. But invest in healing yourself first.

It sounds like you have been quite traumatised by your last relationship OP. I wonder if you need to arrange some counselling to deal with that? You describe him as a monster and say you felt so low you thought about taking your own life?

I think there are lots of men who want to settle down and have a family quickly.

I am sceptical about OLD but I've met a really nice man on there who is interesting, smart, kind and funny.
He wants to find 'the one' to settle down with and have a family. It's too soon to say if I'm that person - but there are definitely great guys out there, it's a numbers game - you have to keep trying if that's what you want.

I thought you were going to say you were older than you are. There's still time for you. Jo brand had her kids at 42 and 43 or might have been slightly older.