‘You’ll probably never have that now’

[Whatpancake]

I saw a friend for a walk today. For context this year I had a horrible break up. I nearly took my life i was so unhappy, not just with the break up but sadness of having no family of my own.

She asked if I had met anyone recently. I said no, online dating was a bit rubbish and I was starting to think I couldn’t picture a happy family home with someone. She said oh well yeah I mean you’ll probably never have all that now.

I’m just crushed. I know that’s the reality. I’m just so sad about it. I feel so down. I don’t have some illusion that a marriage is some sort of bliss. But id love to just have a go at it all, actually be doing all that. I’ve done everything else I wanted to. Travelled, career, home, been to fancy restaurants and pursued unusual and interesting hobbies. But I want so much to experience a life with someone, a family. I’m so sad about it.

Don’t know what I’m asking. Just not really ok at all :(

(I’ve seen posts before where people say just do it alone but that’s literally not what I’m getting at here, I want the chance of a family with someone, even if it goes wrong eventually. I just want to have a go at it. I don’t want a family on my own)

How old are you OP? It's a different ball game if you're 28 or if you're 48.

Thanks it all just feels so utterly hopeless. I’ve been speaking to men online and most say they are planning on relocating soon or want to find a ‘travel buddy’ or someone to get smashed with at the weekends...

Just makes me feel hopeless. It’s like there’s really nobody left.

OP I've felt so much the same yet with different circumstances as I have DC but never really been a family with someone else. That comment from your friend was heartless!
Do you mind me asking how old you are? You seem pretty convinced that it's not an option for you. I truly hope it is x

It is an awful thing to say if you are say late 30s or early forties. If you are nearly fifty it is more an unkind, rather than awful, thing to say.

I met DH when he was 34. I had a 1 year old, and we started trying for a baby within a year. I really didn't want a huge age gap, and he was committed to starting a family. 9 years later we couldn't be happier

Where are you looking online OP? Maybe you're not in the best site for men who want to settle down? If you're over about 35 you might be best looking out for divorced men. IME they're generally better and living with other people and less likely to be commitment phobic than men who make it to that age without at least a serious relationship.

However you're feeling there will be men out there feeling exactly the same way. It's entirely possible and probably likely.

I used to think I'd never meet anyone op - I had debilitating mental health problems and everything just seemed so bleak. Now things are so different - I have a ds and am getting married to his dad next year. My friend had a baby at 37. My next door neighbour has adopted children. You really do never know what's around the corner

She's not a friend. People here are telling you through their own experiences that what you want can indeed happen, but you must be open to it and not close yourself off to opportunity. You sound , understandably perhaps, a bit .......... defeated almost. Posters gave asked how old you are? Maybe if we knew that we could offer more targeted advice ? Good luck, maybe 2021 will be your year.

She’s a cow, plain and simple. Does she have what you want? Is she the sort of ‘friend’ that likes to be the one that has it all and lord it over those who don’t?

I’ve got a friend in your position. She feels the same as you and I would never, ever dream of saying to her that her feeling is probably right. I truly hope she finds the man of her dreams and has the family she’s dying to have. We’re both 36 and I think she’s definitely still got time and it will happen for her but she doesn’t and it’s really sad to hear her feel this way about herself and her future.

I met DP 2.5 years ago, 3 months after I turned 34. I had never imagined having children/buying a house/marriage were in my future (didn’t even really want kids). He moved in a year ago, we’ve almost saved enough for a house and I came off my contraception a few months ago. I’ll be 37 in 3 months so it can and does happen within a short space of time. We’ve been on some holidays, had a lot of fun together and now we’re both looking forward to starting a family and settling into a quieter life, although I dare say we will still have the odd wild night out in the future and more adventures (with and without the children in tow) 🙌🏻

Don’t give up hope and tell your friend to fuck off with her snide comments.

Also to add, I met DP on Tinder. I have at least 5 friends who have also met their partners on Tinder in the past few years and have settled down with them and seem really happy. All hope is not lost, you just need to keep your mind and heart open to possibility 😊

How old are you OP? My DH proposed after about 4 months of us dating and we were then married quite quickly. Everyone wants something different so I don't think you can generalise for all men.

My mum said that to me. I'd just broken up with a serious boyfriend and was upset. I was only 28.

I have gone on and built a nice family. DP, me and DD. Also DSD. I'm suffering with secondary infertility now, so we are thinking about adopting another.

Families come in all shapes these days.

What a horrible, horrible thing for someone to say. Seriously OP you sound thoughtful and kind, she sounds like a nasty person. I can't imagine how unkind and unfeeling you'd have to be to say that to anyone let alone a friend! I would have to tell her what a horrible thing it was to say

She's talking nonsense OP!

I met DP on tinder a few years ago..I had all but given up on finding someone who shared my values, thoughts, opinions etc

But there he was! And is 🙂

I actually think many men in their mid/late 30's want exactly what you want OP. That's been my experience anyway. The men you describe as wanting holidays/taking things slow are usually in their twenties/early thirties. I'm also wondering what age you are? I know quite a few women who found love in their late thirties and had babies in their early 40's. It's really not that rare these days!

Your friend was very thoughtless to say that to you. What's she like usually? Do you think she was being unkind or could it have been a genuine foot in mouth moment? Either way I can understand why you're so hurt but I really wouldn't give up hope yet

It could be worse - you could be an absolute cuntface bitch like her.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2397772-I-think-I-might-be-ending-my-relationship-3-months-before-my-wedding?msgid=54847975

I was 30ish, engaged. Split up with my fiancé. It was all fine. The thread is now 5 years old so I'm now also mid range age wise in the school playground.

Read the thread.

Well I suppose it depends how old you are. You can meet the right person at any age and get married, bit there is a limit on the age you can have children obviously, if that's what she was referring to?

Your 'friend' is horrible. And talking rubbish.

My younger brother was married 10 years ago. Dream wedding etc. The marriage was awful. She was abusive and attacked him anytime things didn't go her way. He left after 3 years. Said he would never bother with women and marriage ever again. He was in his mid thirties.
Spent a few years alone then met someone online. Moved in together within a year, got married and now has an 8 month old baby girl! He's just turned 42 and is so happy.
It CAN happen when you least expect it.

@Alicialflorrickshair

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2397772-I-think-I-might-be-ending-my-relationship-3-months-before-my-wedding?msgid=54847975

I was 30ish, engaged. Split up with my fiancé. It was all fine. The thread is now 5 years old so I'm now also mid range age wise in the school playground.

Read the thread.

Oh my goodness, just skimmed through your thread. Wow! Such lovely news that everything turned out well, I'm so pleased for you

Hi Op
Understandable Cause you have been through a shit time splitting up,
Its a struggle to see sometimes shit things just happen in Life .
It can happen to any one.

You sound to me like an Articulate interesting,with a sense of adventure,fun, extrovert, appreciate alternative take on life such as trying out unausaul/interesting interests, your own person, a free thinker, Open minded..
A person who wants to make the most of her life,
You have done a lot of stuff in your life already,a lot more than some people have done..
I don't know how old you are?

But I think you are selling yourself short,you have some a lot of qualities as a person that are acctractive.
What a total shitty Comment your friend said,
Does she quite often say Shit negative stuff put down like this then?if she does fade this friendship
If anything Covid 19 has made us realize how short life is, why put up with people who are not good for us when we only live once?!

My friend was well into her 30s when she dumped her fiancé to be on her own even though she desperately wanted children. Within a very small number of years she’d met her DH, married and had 3 kids! Never say never OP. Your friend is a cow btw.

Hi Op

Don't get hung up our society ideal that being in a relantship completes us as a female

Its Bull shit Op
You are Ok/good enough as you are
Spend a bit/some time as single person.

Don't be Desperate and Needy/insecure to meet get into a relantship on the re bound..
By being like that I know its a bit of struggle at times .
All you will do, is acctractive the wrong kind of person,and wonder why you have ended co dependancy.

(The reason why some things/relantships don't work out is for something better to come in place instead sooner/later down the line..
There is other kinds of family set ups not just traditional status quo Nuclear family set..

Look after yourself properly
I know cliche Be your own best friend
Try holistic therapy session such as hot stone massage etc
Treat yourself to pampa Healthspa session or do a similar at home
Listen to good Music videos YouTub

Watch good funny TV programmes
Walk in nature
Meditation beneficial, it takes 10 15 mins

The better you feel,the better sense of self Cofindence
You will less likely put up/settle with crap relantships or situations

Best of Luck Op
When you least expect it I think you will acctract better in your life..

Get help if you acctract shit men/relantships in your life
Such as going into therapy,find out which kinds of therapies will beneficial to you, being as you into unausaul interests /activities hypnotherapy could well be beneficial for you.

Awful comment from your friend, but I wonder if she just blurted it thoughtlessly and it was far from what she mean to say. She might be at home now, stewing about how silly and clumsy and hurtful she was to you. Fingers crost that you get an apologetic phone call soon.

Meanwhile, the family thing. I do know one married couple who met on Tinder, but most have met the face-to-face way, through friends or work, at Xmas parties, dance classes, speed-dating, in the park while walking dogs. A lot of men are socially shy and don't want to approach a strange woman without getting a friendly sign first. So, if you see someone interesting, smile and see if they come over. Often they're grateful to be welcomed. This worked for me in my youth, and I wasn't especially pretty.

Good luck and chin up; you never know who'll you'll meet in the cafe or the library or local park .... I know Covid is inhibiting all that right now, but even on a short walk you have a chance to meet someone new.