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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

‘You’ll probably never have that now’

124 replies

Whatpancake · 06/12/2020 21:03

I saw a friend for a walk today. For context this year I had a horrible break up. I nearly took my life i was so unhappy, not just with the break up but sadness of having no family of my own.

She asked if I had met anyone recently. I said no, online dating was a bit rubbish and I was starting to think I couldn’t picture a happy family home with someone. She said oh well yeah I mean you’ll probably never have all that now.

I’m just crushed. I know that’s the reality. I’m just so sad about it. I feel so down. I don’t have some illusion that a marriage is some sort of bliss. But id love to just have a go at it all, actually be doing all that. I’ve done everything else I wanted to. Travelled, career, home, been to fancy restaurants and pursued unusual and interesting hobbies. But I want so much to experience a life with someone, a family. I’m so sad about it.

Don’t know what I’m asking. Just not really ok at all :(

(I’ve seen posts before where people say just do it alone but that’s literally not what I’m getting at here, I want the chance of a family with someone, even if it goes wrong eventually. I just want to have a go at it. I don’t want a family on my own)

OP posts:
FarTooOldforTikTok · 06/12/2020 21:05

What a horrible, horrible comment. I am so sorry.

HollowTalk · 06/12/2020 21:07

What a bitch she is. It's completely ridiculous, too, as you could meet someone tomorrow.

Original poster
Whatpancake · 06/12/2020 21:07

I don’t know if she was just trying to make me feel better by being realistic and focusing on something else. I don’t know. I just feel sick every night I’m so sad about it all.

OP posts:
Livedandlearned · 06/12/2020 21:08

When I was pregnant with my first baby, my friend reacted to my announcement by saying "no one will ever want you now."

That was 19 years ago and I've never forgotten that weird and hurtful comment.

She was wrong anyway.

Hohohole · 06/12/2020 21:08

What a horrible woman. You can have a family at any age. I was alone and sad before. But now I've two beautiful children in bed upstairs, I never thought it would happen to me. She's awful.

Xtfc123 · 06/12/2020 21:09

Why would you never have that ?
Has she got form for making rude comments like that ? Let's just hope she was very clumsy, pull her up on it and hope you get a decent apology.

Bunnymumy · 06/12/2020 21:10

Fs, what a horrible thing to say to someone. Is she normally utterly thoughtless? Because tbh otherwise, I dont think you can call her a friend.

You never know what might happen op. I know a couple that met in their 50s and foster kids. Some of the foster teens they had have kids of their own now too and see the couple as their family so usually they have massive christmases.

You never know what might happen in life.
But being able to remove the people from your world that do not want good things for you, might create a space for those who will treat you right to come into your life.

Original poster
Whatpancake · 06/12/2020 21:10

@Hohohole I honestly can’t see it happening now. It’s more that I don’t want to date and wait to move in then wait to get engaged then wait to be married then wait for a child. I wouldn’t have time anyway for it and what man wants to rush something. None. It just won’t happen.

OP posts:
Holothane · 06/12/2020 21:12

Oh what, block her at once, hugs that is shocking you’ll get your happiness,

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 06/12/2020 21:12

How old are you op? After disastrous relationships I met dh at 42 and had a dc at 43...
Lots of women have dc older than that.

KleinBlue · 06/12/2020 21:13

[quote Whatpancake]@Hohohole I honestly can’t see it happening now. It’s more that I don’t want to date and wait to move in then wait to get engaged then wait to be married then wait for a child. I wouldn’t have time anyway for it and what man wants to rush something. None. It just won’t happen.[/quote]
Why wouldn’t there be men who want exactly what you want, OP?

OhCaptain · 06/12/2020 21:14

Jesus @Whatpancake that’s an unbelievably harsh thing to say to you.

Unless there’s some extenuating circumstances (like you’ve already hit menopause and can’t get pregnant because I’m assuming you mean you want to be pregnant and have a child?) then it was a totally unnecessary thing to say!

User6655645 · 06/12/2020 21:14

It sounds like you've been through a hard time, i am sorry things are so tough for you just now... I have no idea what age you are and what the likelihood of a traditional family is for you but maybe you have to start to accept that you might not have a traditional nuclear family, however you still have lots of opportunities to create a step family or close friendships and recreate that closeness you envisage in other ways.

Your friend sounds a bit thoughtless, sometimes these things just slip out without us realising. If it's the sort of thing she says often then that's different but as a one off its forgivable maybe?

Original poster
Whatpancake · 06/12/2020 21:15

@KleinBlue because why would someone want to crack on with a family, most men want to have a time of holidays and travel and then seeing how things go before an engagement etc. I don’t have time for that anymore.

OP posts:
LadyAcony · 06/12/2020 21:15

What absolute rubbish. And who talks like that anyway?
I’ve met all sorts of people with all sorts of families over the years, including a couple who adopted two 16-year-olds. And several friends who are happy and loving stepmothers, with or without their own (bio) children.
There’s fortunately a lot more variety in life than the “met in 20s, married and two kids by 35” model that’s pushed as the ideal.

Grenlei · 06/12/2020 21:16

Jesus OP I'm sorry. Some people are awful cunts, they really are. I know how hurtful that must have been.

it's ok to want not to be on your own, to want a family. And there's nothing to say it won't happen. It might not, but the chances of you meeting someone eventually are pretty good. Maybe not next week or month, but it probably will happen. There's a lid for every pot.

LadyAcony · 06/12/2020 21:17

DH and I didn’t have time, I was 34 (he was 32) when we met. We were together just 2 years when we decided we’d better make the leap if we wanted kids together. So such men do exist!

Woahisme · 06/12/2020 21:20

@Whatpancake there are men out there who are very much the ready to settle down type. There really are.

KleinBlue · 06/12/2020 21:23

[quote Whatpancake]@KleinBlue because why would someone want to crack on with a family, most men want to have a time of holidays and travel and then seeing how things go before an engagement etc. I don’t have time for that anymore.[/quote]
But isn’t it possible they've already done all that, just as you have? I appreciate you’ve had a horrible breakup, and are probably not thinking particularly kindly of men in general, but you’re making it sound as if there are no men who want what you want. My husband was the one who was desperate to marry me — I hadn't wanted to marry at all — and while I was ambivalent about having a child, he was much more whole-hearted. I had my son just before turning 40.

Hohohole · 06/12/2020 21:23

So many men want what you want. Women don't hold the Monopoly in wanting a partner and children.

Firefliess · 06/12/2020 21:25

Is it possible for friend was finding you a bit negative and meant that if you carried on with that fatalistic and pessimistic attitude then no, it wouldn't happen? In an effort to shake you out of it? Obviously you know her and whether this is what she might have thought, but maybe possible?

But men absolutely can be broody end want to settle down and have a family. I know several! Don't assume they all confirm to stereotypes.

Grenlei · 06/12/2020 21:28

Agree that men like this do exist. I met my Ex and fell pregnant within 3 months. It wasn't planned, he was delighted however. So within a year of meeting we moved in together. had a baby, and bought a house. The downside is that he turned out to be a complete arse and we were totally incompatible so it didn't work out but as a result I do have my (now adult) DS.

There are definitely men who would be happy to settle down immediately. My Ex was late 30s when we met. I think by that age a lot of men are keen to get on with the relationship/ kids thing asap, those who want to go and travel, have lots of holidays etc ime tend to be the ones who aren't ready to settle down (I've known a couple of guys like that who are now nearly 50 and still undecided if marriage and children are for them!)

MRC20 · 06/12/2020 21:31

How old are you?

Changechangychange · 06/12/2020 21:34

DBro is 38 and is absolutely looking for somebody to marry and have kids with. He wasn’t ten years ago, but men notice their friends all settling down and getting broody too.

You could also meet somebody divorced with kids already, and step into a happy ready-made family in your late 40s. Or use donor eggs and have kids well into your 40s.