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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to end it

118 replies

Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:23

I just cant do it any more. Fuck knows what I'm gonna do about work/money. Kids will probably be gutted. And I have no idea how I'm gonna do it. Its been 15 years not sure I know much different, but I just can't.

How do you end it without a massive fight/argument....

It will be ok won't it?

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:29

Sending hugs. It sounds like you've reached crunch point. I just want to say it will all be ok and things work themselves out.

Tell us some more about how you've got to this point and your worries. We may be able to offer some practical advice as well as emotional.

user1274245 · 05/12/2020 14:30

How depends on the context.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:34

I dont know how I got here really. I guess its just been lots if little things, we just don't seem to agree on anything any more. Not that I expect to agree on anything but I think I just want to be on my own.

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:37

What's the living situation? Do you have a job?
Finances can be sorted in the long run, so it's really a matter of how you will cope in the short term.

I know you seem more worried about 'the conversation' at the moment, but knowing you can manage will give you a bit more strength, I think.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:37

I dont even know what I want to say. I certainly don't want to get into character assassinations amd all that. I just don't think i have anything to give any more

OP posts:
Wheresyourclapham · 05/12/2020 14:37

You cannot keep avoiding the difficult conversation/argument, if you want things to change. But, it will be okay in the end.

It’s hard to say much more without any background/context.

Do you have a job outside the home?

Nonamesavail · 05/12/2020 14:37

It is always tricky but in the end it smooths itself out xx

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:38

I have a part time job. Hours are a but awkward really I guess ill probably have to quit and hope my family can take the kids while I work my notice period

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:39

How old are the children?

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:40

14 and 10 so on the older side really. Young enough to jot be abke to leave alone all evening though

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:41

Ok. That's good information.
How do you think your husband is likely to react? You know him best. Do you know whether he is unhappy too?

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:42

Plus - speaking your truth and talking about your feelings and events in your relationship is not a character assassination. You may feel disloyal talking about it, but this is anonymous and the important thing to focus on is not blame, but how you are feeling and what has lead to those feelings.

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:44

Sorry. I know I have a lot of questions. I just have a fair bit of experience of this from various angles - and the more information you give, the easier it is to help. I don't mean to interrogate!

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:45

I dont think he's that happy either tbh. We aren't married. He has a physical job and is often tired and then I'm out the house three or 4 evenings a week so we don't really spend huge amounts of time together . I dont really discus stuff as I don't want to burden more on him after a day at work then he gets cross that I didn't which sounds ridiculous I know. But I cant stand the long loud rants ( the TV is often loud so I do wonder if he can't hear properly sometimes ) so he talks quite loudly which annoys me more than it should tbh and I realky dont want to get to the point where we hate each other as well tht would be horrible for everyone.

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:47

I think that is a good starting point. I can see why not spending any quality time together and not communicating about anything important can erode a relationship.

You are right to worry about getting to the point of actively disliking each other. That is toxic for all around you.

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:48

So maybe the opener in the conversation would be to ask how he feels about it all and whether he is happy. It sounds like you aren't really communicating it all - and if he doesn't want to/won't talk about it then that's a different problem.

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:50

Do you feel this is beyond counselling for you? Do you think you've lost the will to try, or are there things that could be fixed if you communicated and made some changes?

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:52

Its ok maud

I meant more if a character assassination between the two of us when we talk later i dont want to resort to petty arguments .

I think its lots of little things that bug me the most. How he falls asleep on the sofa . I know he works hard but according to the kids in a few occasions he's not fed them til gone 8 cos he was asleep

He stays up late watching crap on you tube which I get as he has little time to himself , but then if you have to get up early fir work then you need to go to bed a bit earlier so maybe you don't keep crashing on the sofa.

He doesn't seem.interested in joining us on activities , I take the kids everywhere on my own. He doesn't even join us at my parents for family birthday dinners. He doesn't really go to any kind if assembly or sporting event or anything

OP posts:
Comps83 · 05/12/2020 14:52

I feel the same
We almost ended it 2 weeks ago but I chickened out

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:53

Also the loud ranting.
Is that about work and things outside the home, or is it ranting about you/home/the relationship. That's important to know too.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:53

Honestky no i don't want to do counselling. Think that's just dragging it all out.

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:55

That helps.
It sounds like a bigger problem than 'I don't like it that you do x, y or z and don't do a,b or c' which is easier to iron out.

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 14:56

He sounds quite selfish and quite self-absorbed. It sounds like he doesn't like family life very much (I am making assumptions, but that is how it is sounding). I know how wearing that can be and how it breeds resentment.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:58

It can be about anything really. Maybe something in the news anything, its not aggressive or anything its just annoying which I know sounds daft and I'm sure I annoy him plenty too but its probably not a good sign if its bugging me that much.

I mean he sleeps on the sofa anyway cos he snores. Another thing that pisses me off really is that rather than see a dr or stop smoking ( never in the house just at work I don't allow it here) or anything else that might help him.stop snoring and keeping me up all night he was happy just to sleep on the sofa

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:00

It doesn't need to end up in petty arguments as long as you have a really strong reason that you want it to end.

If you give a list of the behaviours that have brought you here, you will get one back and that's when it gets petty.

You need a really simple message without too much detail at this point. It could be as simple as 'this relationship has run its course. I am very unhappy and think I would be happier alone.' And then don't get sucked into lists of grievances.

(I know that sounds easy - I know it isn't at all!)