Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to end it

118 replies

Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 14:23

I just cant do it any more. Fuck knows what I'm gonna do about work/money. Kids will probably be gutted. And I have no idea how I'm gonna do it. Its been 15 years not sure I know much different, but I just can't.

How do you end it without a massive fight/argument....

It will be ok won't it?

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:01

It sounds like a very simple story in the end. You don't love him anymore. That's enough of a reason.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:03

He has been very selfish and self absorbed in the past yes.

I kinda just got used to not even bothering to ask if he's gonna join us. Then out the blue he will suggest a movie night or something. Partly my fault really as he says sometimes he would join us for some things if I would drive there but often I chose to get the bus as I dont particularly like driving long distances then worrying about being back to the car fir a certain point fir parking hours , and well we have a realky good bus and train service so don't see the big deal about spending half an hour on the train ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:04

Yeah maud thats pretty much it. I dont want a slanging match its not about who's done what and why and pay back. I just want out with hopefully no hard feelings and not saying things we might regret

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:04

He is not an active part of your family then is he, really?

Your children will already know that.

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:06

I think you need to steel yourself and take some deep breaths and make a simple statement saying it is over for you and not working and that you want to separate.

What do you think his reaction would be?

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:08

You also need a plan. You need to present it as a fait accompli.

'This is how we will manage the children between us. This is how we will manage money for now.'

Have the practicalities ready.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:08

Sometimes it does feel that I am the one whontaje s the time to take the kids shopping for clothes and shoes and stuff they need then he will wire me some cash like thats his part done. Ir ill spend the week doing the school runs which he can't cos of work but I always took them to school gym class swimming, to kit them out ,.birthday parties and friends houses and then he takes then to the cinema once and the kids think he's great....

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:09

Trust me. They know. I have been one of those DC.

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:09

You are not a team.

Opentooffers · 05/12/2020 15:09

By 14, you are old enough to babysit for younger siblings and it is totally acceptable to be left at that age for an evening so I think maybe you are being a bit overprotective of them there. It might help to teach them to cook some simple meals, so they can get used to doing for themselves rather than relying on your sleeping DP to wake up. You will be doing them a favour in the long run by making them more self-sufficient. I don't see that you need to give up work at all, I kind of get the feeling you were catastrophizing a bit about that.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:10

The practicalities are what is most worrying i have a little bit in savings to last me couple of months if I'm careful which will hopefully be long enough that any tax credit claims ir something cab be set up

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:11

A lot will depend on his reaction.
How do think he will react?

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:15

Dd1 does cook dinner sometimes. But obviously of someone else has said they are doing it then it would he helpful if she could be told she needed to rather than coming downstairs after doing her homework to discover it hadn't even been started.

Shed happily do it if she knew he had to.

I do evening shifts and usually back between 10.30 amd 11 so wasn't sure if it would be OK to leave a 14 yr old in charge of a 10 year old for the night but if it wouldn't be something schools would phone SS about then that solves that then I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:15

I dont know. Honestly maud it could go either way

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:17

How he reacts is a really important thing to know. You know his character.
Is he likely to accept it or turn nasty (I know no one really knows until it comes to the crunch, but it important to have an idea so you can be prepared and we can help you to prepare)

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:19

I dont think it will turn nasty nasty.

I'm not worried for safety or anything. My biggest concern is he won't at least stay home tomorrow when I'm not gonna be there as I need to work tomorrow

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:21

Both of my parents worked late when I was growing up. I used to collect my sister (8ish I guess) from school and walk her home. My DBro (15 or so) would make dinner for us.

Mum would plan the meals for the week and he had a little menu so he knew what to make us.

She was usually home about 8ish.

And I know that's not as late, but it wouldn't have made much difference. We just followed the usual routine and had baths and got into our pyjamas ourselves. It was normal for us - and your DC could do the same.

We knew the neighbours well so had somewhere to go for emergencies. We had adults to call on.

There weren't ever any issues. It made us super self-sufficient and we were perfectly happy.

So I wouldn't be too concerned about that part if it's what you need to keep your job.

maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:23

The reason it's important is that he will need to accept that he needs to leave the home and have somewhere to go. He will also need to agree to give you some money for the children. It can be finalised later, but you need to know what to ask of him in the first instance.

I'm not suggesting you do that in the bombshell conversation, but you need to have a plan.

couchparsnip · 05/12/2020 15:23

Don't forget he should be paying childmaintenance and you will get tax credits and all the child benefit.
You may not need to give up work. Presumably your OH is still their father and could have them when you are at work. Or even let the kids be home on their own for a while. At 14 most kids can cook a meal and be responsible for a younger sibling for a few hours.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:24

Thats good to know actually, I mean my parents are local and dd1 has a phone. Now if they can stop arguing.....

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:27

Oh they can argue. Just think of it as training for them to work out their own differences without resorting to DMum the referee. That's good training for them too!

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:29

I do leave dd1 in cohere of dd2 sometimes as I do need to leave sometimes befire dp gets back.

I do however want to make sure that I dont put too much responsibility on her if that makes sense. I just want to make sure I dont fall into the territory of dd2 having to take over the parenting when she should be out with her friends occasionally

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:29

Plus - as someone else said. Depending on what arrangements you can agree, there is no reason your P (left off the D for now) can't look after them while you're at work even if he is asleep. Doesn't make much difference to the current situation, does it?

Contact would need to be arranged too, so he will have to learn to actively parent for some of the time at least.

Original poster
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/12/2020 15:30
Grin

Dd2 can be very loud annoying and forgetful...of dd1 can get her into bed by 8 o clock she deserves a meddle...

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 05/12/2020 15:30

@Whatwouldscullydo

I do leave dd1 in cohere of dd2 sometimes as I do need to leave sometimes befire dp gets back.

I do however want to make sure that I dont put too much responsibility on her if that makes sense. I just want to make sure I dont fall into the territory of dd2 having to take over the parenting when she should be out with her friends occasionally

I understand this worry, but as I said, separating from their father doesn't rid them of a parent and he will have to step in when he's needed.