This was me in March... We'd been to counselling and Id been telling him I wasn't happy for 6 months previous to that.... I really wasn't for several years, on and off. He's a good man but just cold at times, unless drinking. No emotional maturity. We didn't talk, we just slotted into these routines, him working, me doing everything, plus working. Your comment about dinner got me... I'd get back after a day out and find the kids were hungry, he'd not fed them tea, hadn't hought to.
It was hard, that first night I really said that I couldn't do it anymore, that I didnt think my feelings would come back... Horrible. He drank loads and spent the next day in bed, or sitting just staring at the floor. It was horrible for everyone. Then he said he wanted to keep trying.. For a week. Then he got drunk again and this time thanked me, said if I hadn't done it he never would... He'd been unhappy too.
So we then spent lockdown together, living in the house.. He went though phases of buying stuff, planning projects, buying things for his new place, then back to drinking and not talking to any of us. Crying. So much crying... This, a man is never seen cry in 18 years.
We did go back and forth over the house, money etc. Turned out to be all either of us wanted, to say in the house. He never once mentioned the kids, or checked if they were OK really.
But just tried to do it a few weeks apart each time, so it wasn't one big conversation.
I started to spend days out with my friends, leaving him to have the kids. He had to step up and parent.
Telling the DC didn't happen until he had a house lined up... He wouldn't tell dd with me.. I sat with her in her room, playing with her pet rats.. We chatted, I then said she had friends that had parents who lived apart, and that we had decided not to live together..
She literally didn't say anything other than.. OK, was fine. Still is. Had one upsetting night when she wanted me, he didn't know what to do so called me, I had to collect them both at 11pm..after that though its been fine, they like going, they have things there, they picked out stuff to put in their rooms. I bought most of it, he doesn't drive (won't learn) so I did all the ikea trips. The most uncomfortable ikea trip ever was with him, buying stuff for his house.
I won't lie, I've doubted it so many times. I had a wobble every time we had to talk about something else, the house, money etc. We get on OK, we hae a laugh, but it's all surface. He relies on me a lot still, he's not really parenting fully, as I still organise everything, it's weird because we could still fall back into the same patterns. We will be in the car and chatting, it's just like it used to be... But I'm reminded then, when he's being purposely obtuse, or isn't even asking about the kids, or he uses this weird fake one of voice with dd, because he doesn't know how to have a normal conversation with her... I remember the relief when I told him and later the relief when he accepted it. Still lots of people dont know, but when I mention it, it doesn't feel odd.
He's been moved out 5 months now.. I love living by myself, it's been lonely, because lockdown and tier 3.. But it'll get easier. I know Christmas will be odd, I already have had the odd sad moment putting up decorations etc.. But I'm happier, definitely. The kids are fine, the youngest, 5, is just carrying on as normal and it doesn't appear to have affected them.. They barely saw him and he was very closed down, still is, but makes more of an effort now.
I'm getting there, the guilt for ages was overwhelming but it's lessening now. Mainly over the house, but it's cost me so much in DIY and repairs that he's probably grateful it's not his responsibility!
Theres hurdles all the time, first Xmas, birthdays, anniversaries... It'll be a year before you know it though and all that pain goes. I'm still glad I did it. I know I couldn't have continued as I was. I just didn't love him anymore and I turned into someone I didn't like around him.
Just take it a step at a time. You'll all be OK in the end. Better than OK, happy!