I think I need to end it

[Whatwouldscullydo]

I just cant do it any more. Fuck knows what I'm gonna do about work/money. Kids will probably be gutted. And I have no idea how I'm gonna do it. Its been 15 years not sure I know much different, but I just can't.

How do you end it without a massive fight/argument....

It will be ok won't it?

Have 2 parents

Sorry 4 typo's

Well that got confusing . He seemed to get it. Was even talking about how he'd found some rooms advertised which looked OK. Dd1 wasn't well yesterday so I went shopping after dropping off dd2 and dd1 and I put it all away and I told her what was going on. We actually had quite a nice day. She did a load of washing and hoovered while I went to collect dd2. She did dinner and helped dd2 with her homework, we were supposed to tell dd2 last night which was why i skipped the swim lesson.

He played with dd2 for a bit actually helped out dd2 making her lunch box up , no one was asleep on the sofa and I wasn't washing up til 9.00 it was lovely.

But he started talking about going shopping in the holidays does he mean all of us or what?

I said I didn't want to just chuck him out with no where to go, but I honestly thought he'd just go crash at his friends house fir a few days. I know its only been a couple of days but its a bit awkward. Once the kids were in bed we just sat there...

OP,

I think you sound like a great mum.
Whilst he doesn't sound like a bad man, he's been a shit partner and father.

Doing the absolute bear minimum.

Whatever your family are like, they can't be blamed for not being impressed that he has refused to help with childcare.

He sounds like a very selfish man.

He's possibly had a think now and reality has hit him.

Too late.

You sound so nice and reasonable.

Do not be pressured into staying together because he has decided it will suit him better.

He's had years to be a participating member of the family and has refused.

You have been so brave.

Don't allow his further selfishness to derail you finally moving forward.

Stay strong.

I won't. I know I cant do that. Ironically if I'd have seen any of yesterday in 14 years we wouldn't even be here. I know its selfish but I need him to go. I felt like crap all weekend, I feel better today but I dont know if thats cos I'm relieved and have come to terms with having finally said something, or whether there's a part of me that's secretely relieved he's still here and I'm gonna feel like shit again when he does go and I just want it over with now.

I'm.pretty desperate to get the three of us into a routine now, and I dont feel that I can do that without appearing like its some kind of PA attempt to make him feel he's not here. I can see he's hurting and I dont want to twist the knife.

I've done my fair share of hiding behind washing and cooking too I can't deny that but I've secretly just been too angry to join them. I mean I have the car but only for a few years I managed on buses etc before , and I take/took them everywhere. I got all the fights on the bus/car . All the nagging to do things, all the lists of shit they needed and to watch them enjoy sitting on the sofa with their dad and some popcorn occasionally well it just made me so angry and I didnt want to show that.

So yeah I guess I'm impatient and selfish now but I'm trying to be reasonable as I need to give him a chance to get something sorted and I feel guilty for wishing it would hurry up . Given im in no hurry to wade through shit loads of paperwork to fill out all the online forms fir everything im surprised im so bothered now..

But as you say too little too late and I just want to get sorted now.

This is amazing (and inspiring) to read @Whatwouldscullydo as it's exactly what I need to do. I've been over and over it in my head a million times. We've had the chats, he must know it's coming, he's burying his head in the sand as if it's all blown over, but I need to do what you have done and make it clear I don't want to continue. I feel like I build up to it every day, then am so busy/tired, I just back down and tomorrow comes. And another day, and another day. It might sound weird but I just can't find the time to fit in a family break up. I already feel like every single day is 100% full and I'm exhausted. I hope I find your strength one day soon. Well done!! x

Well still a long way to go, I mean its been 3 3 days and he's still here but I know what you mean about the exhaustion. The sheer mental relief of knowing I no longer have to cover for him nor hide in the kitchen, well I dont think I even realised how much I was carrying. I've been so focused on keeping everything together I became something I couldn't even look at in the mirror any more.

The sooner its all over the better. I just want him to be happy he clearly isn't happy and although I dont think that's becuase of us, I just can't carry it anymore I cant fake it for the both of us.

I think you will just have to bite the bullet one day, you sound alot like me, always worried about timing ir something else.. its never a good time to break up. Theres always something else to focus on . Just try not to lose yourself in it like I did. I'm everything I never wanted to be now and that needs to change and hopefully it will when I only have me to worry about.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you waking im sorry you are finding it so hard...

Yep, kitchen hider here too. I spend most evenings in the kitchen, either finding jobs to do, or literally just standing there having a silent cry, and he's completely unaware. Either that or hiding out with the kids. And yes, there's always something round the corner, christmas, birthdays etc, never seems like a reasonable time to break hearts... :( Thank you OP x

Well sort of a mini update I guess, told dd2 who didn't take it well at first really but now seems ok which worries me more if I'm honest . Not sure how much she really understands. But its done. I have to admit to having had a bit of a wobble over the last few days as it's actually been really nice but then he pulled some weird gaslighty shit on dd1 last night and its cemented my decision that its the right choice. It was only small but we both ( dd1 and i )looked at eachother wondering wtf that was all about. Course I called it out but it was weird and unnecessary.

Hes found somewhere anyway so in a few days he will be gone. Can I apply for
benefits etc before he's actually left?

I might well be calling on you guys for help with that if that's ok?

Today I.just feel kinda stifled.

I keep to start working on myself now I think. I've dumbed myself down over the past 20 years I need to stop. Its pathetic. I guess people never knew how to take me and not being the pretty skinny kind of person that others would usually be interested in, I had to make them.like me in other ways. I cant do that any more. I need to be myself and not just try and keep the peace and shut up.

I also need to start caring again. I've spent so long pretending to not care that he seemingly didn't care about joining us for things I think I've forgotten how to actually care about anything. I want to start feeling something again...

Ps waking how are you doing?

Oh @whatwouldscullydo well done for getting as far as you have done so far. It's massive! To tell the kids must be so hard. But from what I hear from others in this situation, they always surprise you by being ok about it. The agony we go through imagining how terrible everything is going to be! Hopefully this is the start of lovely new things for you. Keep going. And of course come here to ask for help when you need it x
As for me, still the same. I've just been out for a run in the rain and could have just kept going and going to get away! Not sure how I'll ever do it, but I need to. I couldn't look at him last night, he was giving me all his Brexit theories and how we're going to be 'great again' and I'm just sick to the back teeth of hearing about it. Then this morning his brother phoned him and I could hear him telling him all about his anxiety stuff and how he's trying to cope every day, then "yeah the boys are fine, C's ok. We're really looking forward to Christmas" End. Well no, I'm not ok actually. I felt like grabbing the phone off him and telling him exactly how I've been feeling for years! Nobody knows! Anyway, it's only me who can do something about it. And I'm honestly inspired by ladies like you who have made the break x x

Thats strange, I used to get so angry at the same stuff. Hearing do go on about how " we" got dd into X school or " we" take dd to Y..

Erm who the hell researched everything, filled out forms , crossmatched bus times with opening times etc

Its not even about " credit" is it, just the complete lack.of understanding what it is we do whilst simultaneously enjoying the benefits if not having to do it.

It does my head in. What is this " we" bollocks...

Sounds stupid but actually I find it easier to know something won't be done or I'll have to do it later , than to bank on something getting done but then had it done in a way that actually life more difficult fir me if that makes any sense...

I'm.sorry you are still finding it rough

Well done OP.
The thing is it has suited him for years to be a selfish waste of space.
It's so good that your daughter can see it, and was able to look at you and show you what she felt...as in wtf!
How healthy.
Of course there will be a period of transition when you really believe that you have done it.
Your children know exactly who looks after them and their needs.

Maybe he will step up now that he doesn't have you covering for him.

I think you will be like so many women who leave long term shit relationships, you will slowly begin to breathe deeply and feel peace seep into your soul.

It will take time, but him physically being out of the home will be a massive first step.

It's very sad but very telling how many women are stunned with the relief of not having a lazy waster sucking the life out of the home.

Keep posting

Honestly now I'm just concerned with the financial side of things. I think me and the dds are gonna be ok. I've had a long talk with dd1 and shes happy to help out with dinners and looking after dd2. ( not all the Time obviously more just between me leaving fir work and her dad getting to ours )I've told her if it becomes too much shes to tell me as they are my burdens not hers and she doesn't have to do everything in the hope I won't notice someones missing. I hope I've made it clear enough that shes not to worry about everything And that her dad will be coming over if an evening so she won't be alone with dd2 all night.

One thing I've noticed is that I'm instantly less motivated when he's around. Its really is like an energy vampire isn't it. Id stopped noticing but now I do again.

I cant really call him a waster he does provide for our family. I mean probably too much in.a way as that seems to be the answer to everything , throw money at the situation, literally minutes after telling dd2 he was trying to cheer her up with talk of a new games console. I had to stop him. I mean she needed time to work out how she was feeling not just be bought off. Guess who was upstairs for hours talking to both of them.....

Ok so quick question, he was using the Internet to try and calculate the child support. Apparently there was a question about how often he has the kids.

So, given that they will he staying in my house as he is looking for a room, does it count if he's here looking after them ir is it purely if he has them overnight at his?

Apparently that makes a difference...

Oh and someone please tell me how the hell i make him see he's being ridiculous going to a friends who has recently developed a cough.... to ask them to be a reference. He refuses to do it via a phone call or text and because I go to work its aplarentky OK to knowingly go round someones house who has a symptom ....

This is what I meant when I said everything has a "price" somehow.

It's the nights he takes sole responsibility for them whilst you are still sharing.

So say 6-10 wouldn't count ?

6pm-10pm

Nope!! 6pm until school next day more like it.

So its basically overnights then.

Any time during the day doesn't count?

Nope it's overnights

Thank you. Thats helpful to know! I'm not worried about him paying chikd support I know he will no question but he was under the impression that looking after them while I was at work counted. I thought it would be overnights...

You can apply for benefits before he moves out. I didn't know this for 3 months after my split but we were still in the same house!

The lady i spoke to today said as he was still on the tenancy agreement I was best off waiting for him to leave then take him off rhe agreement then apply

Oh they never want to admit you can claim!!

You need to live separately. Shop and cook for yourselves, no cleaning or laundry for each other, completely separate finances etc etc.

You need to be clear that the relationship is over and he is moving out and if you are married that you are initiating divorce.