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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is there so many single women in their 30's/early 40's

144 replies

Freshprincess12 · 01/12/2020 15:27

Me and a friend were discussing this before.
There seems to be so many, mainly childless women in their late 30s/early 40s. Just wondering why this could be.
Im asking because my friend's dh has left her for a woman he met at work late 30s, single, very good career. Last year my DH had an EA with a work colleague who was a single, childless woman in her early 40s.
A few years before that when he split he also had a fling with a childless woman in her late 30s
Could this be the reason why men have so mamy affairs? Because there are ready available single women who can give them more time and attention than their dp/dws. Its so sad but Im always wondering why women seem to be single at that age mark, as from what I know they usually end up with married men - probably more attention shown and fear of it being too late to try for a baby/start a family.
I wish these women could be warned that having a married man is a recipe for a disaster and it wont give them a stable relationship theyre hoping for.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/12/2020 17:53

[quote Leaannb]@Osirus...What makes you think your adult children will be rushing home to visit you at Christmas or in a care home? Adult children jave lives that don't always prioritize their parents. Sometimes its distance, work, or other family obligations. The worst thing you can do is place your happiness on the shoulders of your children. You need a reality check[/quote]
Very true!

Plus, if you want to have a good relationship with your children, you need to be nice to them. I wish my Dad would take this on board, instead of taking out his temper on me.😂. I still love him though.

Sconesgone · 02/12/2020 18:20
  1. Because they are perfectly happy/ fulfilled being single.
  2. Because they have realised what a bunch of immature/ dysfunctional dickheads men are.

Just speculating 😁

diplodocusinermine · 02/12/2020 18:26

Because they don’t want to settle down and have children with a man child who won’t commit to a grown up relationship but still wants to go out drinking or cycling with his mates all weekend?

Sociallydefunct · 02/12/2020 18:51

Personally, I wouldn't have an affair because of my own moral integrity. Anyone who does, attached or not obviously has a different bar they hold themselves to. They aren't someone I would want a relationship with regardless of any other factors. People (both men and women) do have a responsibility to show respect and kindness to other people, even if they aren't 'in love.

Aerial2020 · 02/12/2020 18:53

You don't have to be childless or OW to be a single woman in your 30s/40s.
Single mums either are single through choice (lot easier!) or because it's harder for a single mum to date than a single dad. Usually because women take more time before moving on, realise they are fine independent and also they usually have the children a lot more(through choice or the dad isn't around)

Not every single woman is so desperate for a man. Especially not married men. Believe it or not.
A lot of woman lose their couple friends when they split with their partner. I found quite a few married friends think you are suddenly after their husband or something. Or don't like your independence.

CorianderQueen · 02/12/2020 19:35

Because men are unlikely to have affairs with people same age / older than their DW (though it happens) and even most cheating arseholes consider women in their 20s too young (or may want a family.)

So that leaves women in their 30s and 40s to be the more common range for affairs.

Easy to figure out. Many women are single in those brackets because they were career women or didn't want to settle or didn't want kids and their ex's did or it just never happened etc etc.

CorianderQueen · 02/12/2020 19:38

By that I mean those are some of the reasons not that there are tonnes of single women in those brackets. I'd say there are far more single women in their 20s

Guga · 02/12/2020 19:49

wish these women could be warned that having a married man is a recipe for a disaster and it wont give them a stable relationship theyre hoping for.

LolGrinwhat makes you think "these women" are hoping for a stable relationship (with these cheating losers?)

Plenty of childfree (not childless) men of that age around too but oh no it's the women you want to pick on and blame. Pathetic post.

Nothing on TV? 2/10 Xmas Biscuit

Ingridla · 02/12/2020 19:51

I'm a single woman in her early 40s and I've never so much as looked or thought about having an affair with a married man thank you very much, neither have any of my close friends.

mangoandraspberries · 02/12/2020 20:03

I think some of it is by choice, in that some women don’t rank getting married and having a family as highly as they used to. They are happy as is and don’t need a relationship/kids to fulfill them.

For others I think it is more something they kind of sleepwalk into - eg by prioritising career over everything else and then realise mid 30s that they may have “missed out” and perhaps regret it (not saying they have missed out, just that some may feel that way).

I also think men tend to go for younger women once they get to mid 30s (as they think women’s biological clock is likely to be ticking if they date someone of their own age - whether that is correct or not). And so there can be more single women than single men in that age group iyswim.

shamalidacdak · 02/12/2020 20:43

[quote Leaannb]@Osirus...What makes you think your adult children will be rushing home to visit you at Christmas or in a care home? Adult children jave lives that don't always prioritize their parents. Sometimes its distance, work, or other family obligations. The worst thing you can do is place your happiness on the shoulders of your children. You need a reality check[/quote]
How very wrong you are. Most people make an effort to stay close to their parents. It's only on MN that people are so quick to go NC.

DuckingFogg · 02/12/2020 20:56

Or don't like your independence.

Yeah I think you're on to something here, we're quite often told how independence is attractive, maybe people like the OP (I'd say all married women but I'd not make a sweeping statement like that) realise they are dependent on a man and that's maybe a really unattractive quality, but rather than do anything about it they blame women that are independent, whether they're a married man chasing fiend or single because they want to be, or because they're not willing to put up with the shit that people like the OP are, for the poor hapless chap they married falling over into a single and independent woman's genitals and accidentally starting an affair 🤷

Aerial2020 · 02/12/2020 21:09

@shamalidacdak
I disagree. Nobody takes NC with parents lightheartely. It is usually a very serious and last resort to protect one mental health.
I think mumsnet can be very supportive for women for this when in society they are surrounded by friends with loving parents and it is incredibly hard to see.

Leaannb · 02/12/2020 21:30

@Shamalidacdak.....I never said anything about going NC. Not one word. Very often in life children grow up and fly the nest. Like they are suppose to. Not being there on a holiday does not make them not close. All the people who work on holidays aren't close to their families? All the adult children who move far away and can't get home for the holidays aren't close to their families? What about when you are a married couple and you jave to alternate holidays with the in laws...Plenty of reasons why retirees are sitting by themselves just due to life. Like this year my mom and Nan will be sitting alone in Cardiff this Christmas while I m Stateside. My oldest son who lives in Newmarket can't go to Cardiff or home. Doesn't mean we aren't close

FriedTomatoe · 02/12/2020 21:39

The judgements you make are astounding. I'm in my 40s - recently single and joined a fab group called Prick Advisor because my ex-partner turned out to be a cheating ratbag. 3 weeks on there has made me realise why most women my age are single and the main reason is that they're fed up on the bullshit men put them through. I think it's the lying, cheating and abusive behaviour which they find particularly upsetting. But of course your sample of one random person stands up to more scrutiny!

fishnchipsandmushypeas · 02/12/2020 22:07

@FriedTomatoe - that group
Sounds fab. I hope you don't mind me asking - is it a Facebook group?

ChochoCrazyCat · 02/12/2020 22:20

While the topic of this thread is clearly idiotic...I've never understood the women claiming no man meets their high standards, they "know their worth etc". I see this a lot on other threads and in real life too. Wondering where all the good men are etc. Well, clearly they're settled down with the good women. So maybe your "worth" isn't quite as high as you think it is.

It's also possible to have a career while married with children, you don't need to spend all your 20s and 30s "focusing" on it and only then entertain the idea of settling down. I mean, you can do that if you want, but it's not necessary - it's not a binary choice between career or family.

yawnsvillex · 02/12/2020 22:29

I've actively chosen to be single. Had a DC on my own too.

Less shit and drama

ProudAuntie76 · 02/12/2020 23:49

@ChochoCrazyCat

While the topic of this thread is clearly idiotic...I've never understood the women claiming no man meets their high standards, they "know their worth etc". I see this a lot on other threads and in real life too. Wondering where all the good men are etc. Well, clearly they're settled down with the good women. So maybe your "worth" isn't quite as high as you think it is.

It's also possible to have a career while married with children, you don't need to spend all your 20s and 30s "focusing" on it and only then entertain the idea of settling down. I mean, you can do that if you want, but it's not necessary - it's not a binary choice between career or family.

As a happily married woman myself, I have to say ime most of the “good men” and indeed the “good women” I know didn’t end up with “good” spouses. Indeed they’ve often picked absolutely dreadful people to settle down with who take advantage of their goodness and loyalty. “Good” matches within marriages seem pretty rare. By the time my peers and I were getting to 35 a lot of marriages that happened between 27-30 were either pretty unhappy or over. I think many people felt a pressure to settle down just because they were approaching 30 and the “good” people especially felt some sort of an obligation to marry whoever they were with at that time. It definitely seemed to be more about feeling it was “the right time” rather than “the right person”. Some of the happiest marriages and relationships I know of are amidst those who met after 35...some even after 55! DH and I were sweethearts and settled down very young but if we hadn’t have had that fortune I think we might both have struggled to settle down at all. We are both cripplingly shy and both lacked confidence when we met.

I know lots of fabulous single women who are in their later 30s/40s/50s. Attractive physically, intelligent, financially independent, interesting, good people. On the other hand men around their own age are often unfit and unhealthy, addicted to porn, limited interests, not willing to share household duties, chasing after girls young enough to be their daughters, sleeping with anything that moves via apps...it’s slim pickings out there for really decent people. I can see why, if marriage and kids hasn’t happened by a certain age or if a woman never wanted it in the first place they might just choose to stay single rather than saddle themselves with what’s out there.

I do know people who have had affairs but this “phenomenon” the OP mentions hasn’t happened in my own circles. Rather it’s been two married/coupled up people or a man in his forties with an 18-25 year old junior at work.

I don’t think it’s always that women prioritise a career or “forget” to have children or really intentionally delay them. Some women genuinely don’t want anything to do with parenthood, or relationships. Other women dream of it all their lives and are sadly disappointed when no one actually steps up and wants all of that with them. My niece is almost 37 and in that exact boat. She’s genuinely gorgeous, well spoken, PhD, incredibly accomplished and the kindest most empathetic human being I’ve ever met. She would have been an incredible mother, and wife. Most men run a mile from her without giving her a chance. She’s the epitome of “scares men off” and sadly, as a result she’s been left on the shelf. She didn’t delay marriage or kids - she never had the opportunity. But most, I have to say women, see the fact that she’s got all these fancy letters after her name, her own home, decent car, excellent job etc and decide she’s must have put money/career first and was too selfish to ever have kids. Yet she’s told me she’d have given that all up in a heartbeat if it had meant she could have had a child of her own.

We can judge away but the truth is we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

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