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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 02/12/2020 16:36

My ex did this for years. For him, it was a way of keeping me in line. If I said something he didn’t like or I disagreed with his opinion, he went silent for days or weeks. I resonate with your post so much, right down to the sinking feeling and the accusation of “going on”. I used to drive to his work place to check he was still alive, as a pathetic twenty one year old. I wised up at 27, am now in my thirties and married to a lovely man who wouldn’t dream of doing this. Detach from this man, it will improve your life.

sapnupuas · 02/12/2020 16:53

You'll feel rubbish for a while, but really, how much happiness did he bring to your life?

Get yourself a new series to binge or a book to read.

Or make him on The Sims and kill him off!

donttouchmyhair · 02/12/2020 17:07

Please please please do not respond to him! You have the power now, do not give of him back. The only way over this quickly is to block and delete him on literally everything.

I've been in this exact situation and it turns out he fucked me off for a woman he claimed to be just a friend, they are still in a relationship. Hasn't stopped him trying to message me over the years. At first I envied his girlfriend, now I pity her.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 02/12/2020 17:11

@Doingmyownheadin

He’s just sent another message “I thought you wanted it to be on good terms....”
He's saying this because all these cocks want to keep you on the back burner . It feeds their ego. He's given you feast and famine and has trained you to miss him and forget all the crap . He will continue to creep back into your life and unsettle you unless you block him . You deserve better .
carlaCox · 02/12/2020 17:18

The way I feel at the minute I take it to heart that he didn’t think I was the one or good enough etc.

If he was a nice person and knew you weren't the one then he wouldn't have kept you on a string for four years. A few years ago I was with someone who liked me a lot more than I liked them. I did the decent thing and ended it after 6 months. I felt bad that I'd kept it going for as long as that tbh. There's no way I would have kept it up for four years and then ghosted! Nice people don't do that sort of thing. You're well rid.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 17:19

He’s messaged again. All breezy talking about how he’s off to the gym

OP posts:
OwlOneAmorFati · 02/12/2020 17:20

He so thought he could relegate you to fuck buddy.

Little arsehole!

OwlOneAmorFati · 02/12/2020 17:21

@carlaCox

The way I feel at the minute I take it to heart that he didn’t think I was the one or good enough etc.

If he was a nice person and knew you weren't the one then he wouldn't have kept you on a string for four years. A few years ago I was with someone who liked me a lot more than I liked them. I did the decent thing and ended it after 6 months. I felt bad that I'd kept it going for as long as that tbh. There's no way I would have kept it up for four years and then ghosted! Nice people don't do that sort of thing. You're well rid.

Exact same here. Felt bad ihad wasted 6 monthsof his time while i tried to see is the so so feeling grew.
carlaCox · 02/12/2020 17:23

He’s messaged again. All breezy talking about how he’s off to the gym

Just ignore, ignore, ignore. He's trying to get in your head.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 17:25

I was always complimenting him, he must be missing the ego boost

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 17:26

I was led on for over a year, mainly through text.

I learnt if he had of cared he would have done more than text as the primary form of communication.. still hurts.

This guy is now changing tact...anything to get you talking.

Remember - he hasn't phoned, hasn't even apologised has he...just off to the gym whilst you are devastated.

Wendywoo19 · 02/12/2020 17:26

@Doingmyownheadin please please don’t message him or reply. You can see he doesn’t like not being in control of the situation and he thought he could say what he’s said with no consequences. Now you’re not replying he’s lost that comfort of you always being there and it’s clearly unsettled him and his ego. If you give that control back to him he will only hurt you again. If after all this time he’s never stepped up then he certainly won’t now. You won’t be able to be friends if you still have feelings for him as it’s inevitable you will crack and see him again - only for him to take what he wants and remind you there’s no relationship / commitment on the table. You deserve so much better than this man, the best thing you can do is ignore him, you know he isn’t offering anything real so there’s no good that can come of you getting into a conversation with him other than more upset. X

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/12/2020 17:27

Haven’t read all the responses, but please block him and move on with your life. He’s treated you badly and you deserve so much better.

I know it hurts, but he’s not worth it.💐

bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 17:28

Wish I had taken mumsnet advice when I posted.

They love the ego boost. I went back a few times then when I did call him out he said " he hadn't promised me anything " that's what your guy is doing.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 17:34

I’m so annoyed! What does he expect me to do? Text him back and say ok yeah let’s hook up! He knows how much I love him and he knows how hard it will be for me right now! I would never do this to someone. And the laugh of it is I almost feel bad for tormenting him and like I just should just message and say look I accept you don’t want a relationship. End of

OP posts:
Longwhiskers14 · 02/12/2020 17:35

@Doingmyownheadin

He’s messaged again. All breezy talking about how he’s off to the gym
IGNORE HIM! If he was that bothered, he'd phone to speak to you. He's fishing to see if you're still at his beck and call. If you cave now and message him back, he'll be as smug as fuck and he'll think he's got you wrapped round his little finger. Do you want to be thought of with such contempt? Don't message him back!
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 17:36

I cannot comprehend why someone would one minute say they don’t want a relationship with you then try and entice you to chat about his body!
Surely he should be sitting there thinking ok she needs time to move on and the fair thing for me to do is let her do that

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 17:36

I felt bad too..they twist it all and take no accountability. It's easy for me to say to you but when feelings are involved It's so hard. I didn't follow advice, got into a row where he finished it anyway in the end.

Maybe just say " you've made it clear you don't want a relationship...goodbye".

They are awful doing this.

ArabellaScott · 02/12/2020 17:38

He needs to keep you destabilised, OP. He's a nasty manipulator, did I say that already? Okay, perhaps he is somewhat psychopathic and lacking in empathy and that's why he's been ghosting you and treating you like shit, without any idea how you'd feel.

That's the generous possibility. The second is that he knows exactly how you'd be feeling and that's exactly his intention. Either way, you can't waste your love on someone like this - think of it more as being addicted/habituated.

bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 17:41

They do that because it's all about them and their needs. They don't give 2 hoots how their actions affect us....selfish. If you called him out he would say you are 'crazy' or going on and finish it anyway.

Longwhiskers14 · 02/12/2020 17:42

@Doingmyownheadin

I cannot comprehend why someone would one minute say they don’t want a relationship with you then try and entice you to chat about his body! Surely he should be sitting there thinking ok she needs time to move on and the fair thing for me to do is let her do that
Of course he's not going to let you move on. It's all a game to him. He doesn't want you but he wants you to still want him.
PamDemic · 02/12/2020 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniAndGuy · 02/12/2020 17:46

@Doingmyownheadin

He’s messaged again. All breezy talking about how he’s off to the gym
Oh ho ho ho ho!!!

So what was that about him 'not going to message again, it's not his style', OP?

Sounds like - what used to actually happen is that he'd give you the silent treatment and you'd pander to the mantrum.

This time, he thought he'd try the same tactic to see if he could relegate you to 'the woman I use for sex'. Sounds like he fully expected you to be in such a mess by the time he messaged you that you'd reply 'That's fine, we can be more casual, whatever you like'

Oh dear, it didn't work out the way he expected, did it?!

He has no idea what to do now, given that he is an absolute arsehole so it won't even occur to him to write an honest or apologetic message - well, it might end up being his absolute last resort of course. Right now it's tactic 3 - carry on with the breezy texts desperately hoping you will crack. He's not even sure you're reading them, remember. Keep it that way.

Really learn something from this - you were convinced he wouldn't message again, remember. Convinced that he was a certain type of person, and that you at least knew that much about him - he'd 'move on', 'he's not the type to chase' - aaaah, do you think you're actually getting a clearer picture of this dishonest little man now? All that persona, it was simply employed to make you feel shit. It was simply a bloke who liked having someone on a string, and instead of valuing their honesty and niceness, used it to play a game.

There was a brilliant thread on here a while back with some poor woman whose shitbag partner had ended things by text, after a few years, totally out of the blue, just off you fuck, ending with 'No need to reply'. Totally smug jerk who completely assumed that she would indeed reply, and beg and plead for an explanation.

But she came on here and got support... and she didn't.

Ever.

And after a couple of weeks he went nuts. He'd made a mistake. Why wasn't she replying. Oh goodness, it was sweet.

She never ever replied to him.

And although she went through hell, she ended up realising she'd got rid of a man who wasn't worth shit.

You can do that too. This is about you now. He ghosted you, but he overplayed his hand, he can get to fuck and be the one left wondering for a change. Doesn't like it when the shoe is on the other foot, does he?

Never ever reply to him.

Baconking · 02/12/2020 17:49

PLEASE BLOCK HIS NUMBER!!

I know you want to know if he's messaging you but it doesn't help you move on. Just block him entirely otherwise it's a matter of time before you crumble and waste several more years being fwb

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 17:50

@Doingmyownheadin

I cannot comprehend why someone would one minute say they don’t want a relationship with you then try and entice you to chat about his body! Surely he should be sitting there thinking ok she needs time to move on and the fair thing for me to do is let her do that
Of course he isn't concerned about the fairness of leaving you to move on. You've been feeding his ego for years. Why should you stop now? After all, he thinks he'll maybe shag you once in a while. Where's his reward for that?

C'mon OP.

You must see him as really is now. Not how you want him to be.