Ghosted in long term relationship

[Doingmyownheadin]

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

Well done on not replying, and I'm delighted you had your read receipts switched off!

“I thought you wanted it to be on good terms....”

Well that was before he ghosted you then messaged over a week later to tell you he only wanted a fuck buddy wasn't it.

Don't let him control the narrative here, and do not even THINK about 'what he thinks of you' - what he will try and think is many things, but what he KNOWS is that he's just treated someone like shit and they're quite rightly not willing to engage with him any more.

And he doesn't like it does he? You said he wouldn't message again, and he has. I'm guessing that he's never needed to message repeatedly as you've always replied. It's actually quite likely that in the back of his mind, he was rather intending to still have you hanging around. He certainly didn't expect to be ignored and ghosted himself, did he? There's a bit of a note of panic there :)

Please completely ignore him. Sounds like you've already wasted plenty of time on a tosser who isn't interested in moving things forward. He ghosted you first, now he's been ghosted.

If you really want to drive the point home, I'd maybe 'open' and reply to those messages in about, oh, two months time.

'Sorry to be so late picking up your messages - it's been a really busy time. You ghosted me, so I assumed all bets were off - just to reply to your last message there. Anyway, hope things are ok with you and best of luck for the future.'

He'd hate that - total afterthought.

BUT I reckon this isn't his last message anyway and you'll be getting the pity party let's try again soon.

Don't reply to that, either.

OP it's absolutely okay to grieve for the relationship - four years is a long time to commit to someone for them to then treat you like this. He's a cockwomble of the highest order of he thinks he can just cheerily suggest going to fuckbuddies after this and he knows it. He's a twat for behaving as he has, and he knows it. It doesn't matter what he thinks, he lost the right for you to respect his opinion when he acted like a twat. Now it's time to start YOUR healing - nothing to do with him. Block him, delete the messages - what you had is gone. Even if he came back tomorrow and you tried again you will always have in your mind when will he go next. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you and you don't deserve a relationship that's so much less than you had/thought you had. Anything of his that's at your place get rid of it (stick it in the garage/shed/bush/river!), and do something for you. Music on and sing, do your nails or hair, cook or bake, something that is purely for you. Doesn't matter whether he thinks you're right for him, what matters is you know he's not right for you 🤗

Tbh on and off relationships are almost always toxic and shit. Before you even got to the ghosting the relationship sounded like he was stringing you along. He is the problem, not you for just wanting a normal commitment.

Be happy he's fucked off and don't let him back - he's an arsehole.

If he'd have called you a week ago and been honest it would be different. He ignored you for a week then sent a lame text.

I’m so glad I posted here! The messages really do help. I just wish I could fast forward through the pain of it. I do feel heartbroken and sad and wish that things could of been different and in some ways it’s like it was never real because we aren’t talking now! Only a few weeks ago he assured me that it was all going to happen for us and here I am alone and missing him.
I know he will be absolute fine! He’s cut other people out of his life with ease so I don’t imagine he will have any issues with me. I haven’t messaged and I do see that it’s a pointless situation with only one option but to move on.

Exactly! If he was that concerned about me he would have called me which he hasn’t!

Not messaging is perfect. Any response you gave he would interpret as him winning.

You say OK then he thinks he's got away with it once again.

You insult him he knows he's got to you and is in control again.

You act confused or ask why and he knows he can say what he wants and wear you down so he can possibly return at some point.

By ignoring him, you are the one ghosting. You are the one seeking unbothered and over it.

You poor thing. It will get easier.

I had an ex that would pick me up and drop me as he saw fit. Every time he came back I was just so grateful.

I met his family briefly, but like you, he kept me at arms length.

I last saw him on New Year's Eve, after he'd been an absolute prick to me by flaking on our plans the night before and refusing to talk to me. As I walked away he said "see you tomorrow". I responded with "no you won't" and I never saw or spoke to him again.

It hurt like hell. Especially as two weeks later (on my birthday no less), he'd put himself as in a relationship with a girl that he'd met the night he'd flaked on me (did some Facebook snooping). He'd always refused to "label" us, and wouldn't have a trace of me on his profile.

But as much as it hurt, I came to realise that he never cared about me like I did for him. It's horrible, but do you want to waste your time with someone like that? You should be with someone who puts you first and shows you off, not leaves you hiding in the background until he's bored and horny.

I hope you stay strong. You will feel so much better. Give it time.

There is no fast forwarding from heartbreak. Keeping busy helps, and getting engrossed in a box set or a gripping book, things like that are golden. I can assure you though, that in a situation such as you describe, NOT replying to his lame 'fishing' texts does eventually give you a sense of dignity and control. Your fabulous future self will thank you.

If you can't yet block, at least keep the read receipts turned off. Ghosting by stealth

Always someone here to vent to, and support you through.

Thank you! It’s sad to see so many people have experienced similar situations but it does help me. That is my worry that in a matter of weeks he will have someone new and won’t have any issue showing her off! It’s grim stating this but we were never Facebook friends anyway so I wouldn’t know if he was with someone unless he changed his WhatsApp profile or he told me. I really don’t want to know because I’ll be all sad again thinking why couldn’t I of had all that.

It'll honestly be the best thing he could do for you. You'd then have no choice but to move on then.

A little bit of hurt now is saving you a lifetime of pain later.

It does sound like there’s more to it, if he truly cared for you the relationship would of progressed by now. He sounds as if he has zero empathy and is not worried about what all of this indecision is doing to you. Being two hours away and having not met friends/family are you really sure it’s was his own property you visited? How did you meet when he lives so far away? I presume it wasn’t through mutual friends. Personally I’d just block his number, it’s not being immature, it’s looking after your own mental health and putting yourself first. Why can’t people just be honest with what they want and stop wasting peoples lives :(

It was definitely his own property etc. I’ve no doubts about any of that stuff. It is as basic as he just didn’t want people to know about me even tho he said countless times that it would all happen. I think in the back of his mind he probably didn’t see me as the person he wanted to introduce to his child etc.
The way I feel at the minute I take it to heart that he didn’t think I was the one or good enough etc. I know with time my views will change as my head clears from the fog and I can step back and see it for what it was. He just didn’t want me

I guess in the thick of the heartbreak and feeling sad I’m spending to much time on the what ifs etc and my self esteem has taken a right battering

Been in these shoes op. He wasnt married either. He was just marking time with somebody he was so so about. :-/ (me)

That is my worry that in a matter of weeks he will have someone new and won’t have any issue showing her off!

That is not a worry for you. Whatever he does, whoever he sees, he was not the right one for YOU.

Keep repeating that. Mourn the waste of four precious years for a while, then look forward into your new more exciting life which you will soon be making plans for.

Why can’t people just be honest with what they want and stop wasting peoples lives

Because ego.

@Doingmyownheadin

I guess in the thick of the heartbreak and feeling sad I’m spending to much time on the what ifs etc and my self esteem has taken a right battering

He is one man among the billions on this planet. Unfortunate you encountered him, but you will get over him. Once you find your anger at the way he strung you along, you'll begin to heal.

My guy had kids, I felt he used them as a very handy excuse to keep me back. I of course interpreted this as him being a very loving father, and it made me admire him more!

I

Stop thinking why you're not good enough, you are good enough and it's not you, if he really wanted a serious commitment he would of gone after that by now, he's a commitment phobe and possibly seeing another as pp have said. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship he'll have after you, just think of yourself now and what's good enough for you next time it's your life now to create it the way you want.

At least you found out before any more possible kids were involved. New year ahead, new chapter and the covid vaccine is on the way. There’s always a positive to be thankful for. I know how it is to feel not as important to someone as they are to you. It truly does suck. X

OP I’m sorry this has happened to you. A friend of mine spent 4 years of her life in a similar relationship. She met him on a night out and they had an on-off relationship mostly consisting of lots of texting and him spending the odd evening/night at her flat, never going out or socialising with others, no holidays together, no introductions on either side to any friends or family despite her desperation to move the relationship on to the next stage. Lots of broken promises and crap from him about how he wasn’t quite ready to settle down yet but if only she could be patient they would have it all blah blah. 4 years later, with her self-esteem on the floor and her mental health at rock bottom, she finally saw the light and blocked him.

My advice, having seen someone go through this and also try to heal from it, is DO NOT REPLY. This man and his massive ego has been controlling you for years. You’ve acknowledged that your self esteem is shot to bits. It is very important for your future well being and recovery to try to regain your self esteem and the best way to do this is to take back control BY IGNORING HIM. Do not do what he wants and expects you to do which is to get into a back and forth texting situation so he can reel you back in and control you.

In my friend’s situation, she got the last word by IGNORING him. She had a few hard months but she got herself together and eventually moved on to better things. She met someone a year later and is very happy now. She later realised that not replying to him was the very first step in her recovery and she’s very glad she stayed strong at that time even though she said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do.

You’re doing so well OP, rely on friends IRL and stay strong

Are you going g out with my exH? We were married then one day he up and left with no word of warning whatsoever. I thought we were OK. He spoke to me and pretended to be my friend right up until the divorce came through then blocked me from his phone, his email, totally ghosted after 20 years. I think its absolutely pathetic behaviour from a grown man. He can go to fuck now. Dont take this loser back. They never change.

I just feel total rubbish tonight!

You'll get through. What are your plans for the evening?