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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 02/12/2020 17:54

I cannot comprehend why someone would one minute say they don’t want a relationship with you then try and entice you to chat about his body!

Because he wants to see how desperate you are. Maybe he can keep you in reserve.

Sorry to be crude, but that's exactly why.

namechangeforfriday · 02/12/2020 17:54

I can’t believe his brass neck messaging like nothing’s wrong, DO NOT REPLY!!!! Block him!

bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 18:03

I think if you ignore you will eventually get an apology. If it was sincere it would have come first off.

Remember he ignored you for a week. I agree he just wants you to want him and it's a control thing

CorianderQueen · 02/12/2020 18:05

Never ever reply OP. Let him tear himself and his ego apart. Never let him back in, never let him win this.

Cavagirl · 02/12/2020 18:05

OP I really think you need to block him. What good is coming of this? You're just torturing yourself.

AmIpg · 02/12/2020 18:07

He can't stand that you aren't replying. He's trying to stay in control and thought he had you under his thumb. He's not going to back off, he will keep trying to engage you because he wants the power.

Your very strongest move would be to ignore him. As every other pp has said 😂

user541633589911 · 02/12/2020 18:10

Because it's a control tactic. A very obvious control tactic. He is transparently manipulative.

He targeted you when you were vulnerable from the breakdown of your previous relationship and has spent four years fucking your head up and training you to jump when he commands.

How bad was your previous relationship that being treated like shit by this man felt like a good deal?

You need to block him rather than continuing to give him opportunities to hurt you and draw you back into his web.

You deserve a happy future and you will never have that with this man screwing you around, convincing you that your desire to be treated decently is unreasonable and something to apologise for. Don't engage with his mind games anymore.

You keep saying you wish you could fast forward through all the pain. Well, you have choices here. Leaving him unblocked and looking at his messages is dragging out how long you feel that pain! Why do that to yourself?

Take control of your life back from him. Block him. Look into therapy to work on your self-esteem, relationships, boundaries, etc.

YoniAndGuy · 02/12/2020 18:10

@Doingmyownheadin

I cannot comprehend why someone would one minute say they don’t want a relationship with you then try and entice you to chat about his body! Surely he should be sitting there thinking ok she needs time to move on and the fair thing for me to do is let her do that

Um, because he didn't want you to 'move on'.

He wanted to upset you terribly by ghosting you, make you afraid to lose him, so that when he made his comments about 'having no time for anything except FWB' - you'd reply saying ok ok anything as long as we can still be together.

He didn't want to break up with you. He wanted to see if he could get you to agree to just settle for sex, by subtly threatening to leave, and ghosting you to try and prove that he was serious .

Nasty man.

It's backfired, and now he's trying to claw it back. Surely you can see that? If he wanted to move on, he wouldn't be messaging. Simple.

CornishTiger · 02/12/2020 18:17

Honestly I’d block and no reply.

He’ll miss the attention in future like now and message you. You’ll get drawn back in.

If you want to make yourself available for a proper relationship in the future you need to block him, heal and reflect on what you need and why you were prepared to accept a man who clearly can’t commit.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 02/12/2020 18:18

He wants you dangling on a string OP, that's why! He wants you to want him while he does whatever the fuck he likes. Please please please don't reply. Please. You gain everything by not replying. He's a waste of space and you're well rid of him.

tinglymint · 02/12/2020 18:27

OP he is trying to reel you back in. Don't fall for it. Mute and archive his messages right away or just block him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2020 18:28

BLOCK HIM

The sooner he can't get in touch with you, the sooner you can properly grieve and move on.

If he can contact you then you're going to cave at some point and you will hate yourself for doing so.

If you feel tempted to speak to him or feel sorry to him, remember this:

He told you after years together than he sees you as a fuck buddy. A friend with benefits. Nothing more than that.

Don't feel sad or guilty, feel livid and happy you know this before you have a mortgage, marriage or children with him!

I've had two guys like this (one for 3 years, one for 4 years) and both tried to get me back. One was successful and I've never regretted something so much.

He has told you his ideal is to keep shagging you but have no commitment. Think how utterly disrespectful that is.

He could find someone else to shag, someone who just wants that to. He's such a lazy, entitled prick he's basically telling you he wants casual sex but can't be arsed to put the effort into finding someone new to have it with.

He's gross.

Please, please, please block him! No good can come from engaging with him. No good at all.

ravenmum · 02/12/2020 18:29

"I accept you don't want a relationship" would mean you were still doing things on his terms.
You're not replying because you don't want a relationship with this guy who's been messing you about for so long. If you do reply, it should be to tell him you are ending things.

Breezily, I love it! Just casually "Oh, by the way, remember my BODY? Don't you want my BODY, that is AMAZING from the GYM? Surely you can't be ignoring that?!"

chemicalworld · 02/12/2020 18:34

See? He is doing everything that you said he wouldn't. He is showing you his true colours.

I am sorry you are going through this, it is hard to see things as they are - he is a predictable man, who thought he could reduce you even further in his life to a fuck buddy.

You are worth so much more, you deserve so much more.

Block him!

Timeontimeoff · 02/12/2020 18:48

Ghosting is a horrible cruel thing to do. It says more about the person doing it though - think coward.

You deserve better than him. Please try to move on however hard it might be if you keep letting him treat you badly he will never stop doing it. Move on and be happy without him.

Wendywoo19 · 02/12/2020 18:51

@Doingmyownheadin

**I cannot comprehend why someone would one minute say they don’t want a relationship with you then try and entice you to chat about his body!
Surely he should be sitting there thinking ok she needs time to move on and the fair thing for me to do is let her do that

after 4 years of him messing you around why would he now suddenly decide to do the right thing and leave you alone? He wants you there on his terms on the side incase he needs an ego boost/ company/ familiarity. 😞

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 18:53

I am sorry you are going through this, it is hard to see things as they are - he is a predictable man, who thought he could reduce you even further in his life to a fuck buddy.

Yes his messaging was very predictable. He can't bear losing his regular ego boosts from OP. He is thinking she will take him up on his fuck buddy offer if he keeps messaging.

FayeFaye1 · 02/12/2020 18:54

I have never posted before, always just lurked but this thread hit a chord with me. I have gone through something very similar and I wish I had posted on here for support. You are all amazing and I truly believe that had I received the same advice you are all giving to the OP, I would have saved myself a great deal of anguish x

(Please block him OP)

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 18:56

Have you got rid of your tormentor FayeFaye1?

Biglieyoutold · 02/12/2020 18:59

Basically he just wants you to answer him and then he will block you and never reply to you. He’s irked that you didn’t reply to him so trying to get you to reply only for him to give you the silent treatment again and to block you. It’s just a power game.

TR888 · 02/12/2020 19:01

Hi OP, do you feel that today is a tiny bit easier to refrain from contacting him? I hope you're feeling more in control, even if you're of course still very sad.

FayeFaye1 · 02/12/2020 19:02

@TwentyViginti I got rid and went no contact for 8 months....and he reappeared. Total shit show that will need a totally seperate thread lol

sapnupuas · 02/12/2020 19:05

Yeah, he just wants you to reply so he can ignore you.

Block.

SealHouse · 02/12/2020 19:05

@Doingmyownheadin

OP by not responding to him as you normally would after he gives you the silent treatment, you’ve wrong-footed him. He’s now confused and worried that he’s lost control of you. Even though he’s told you he doesn't want a proper relationship with you, his ego still needs to have you at his beck and call, and that is why he continues to message you. He wants you running after him, in order to boost his ego. Please don’t give in. At the moment you have the upper hand - you are in control, do not give control back to him.

There’s someone out there for you OP, who will love and respect you and who wants the same things from life that you want - this git is not that person. And you won’t be able to find/recognise that person while this creep is taking up space in your head so flush him out. He’s shown you his true colours and even though It may not feel like it now he’s done you a favour.

WhoseThatGirl · 02/12/2020 19:15

He’s not thinking about you or your feelings at all. He’s only thinking about himself and what he wants. Message him to say I’m going to block you so we can both have a clean break and a fresh start I wish you all the best - then block him.

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