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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 02/12/2020 10:42

He already decided you were not good enough to meet his friends and family. You owe him nothing, you've already given him way too much of your time.

Noshowlomo · 02/12/2020 10:51

God he’s a loser !! As others have said, he can’t believe that you haven’t responded with “yes let’s be FWB you amazing shag you”
Fuck that

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 10:55

Why do I feel bad for annoying him.

He's trained you not to 'go on' and annoy him. Now you're not 'going on' that annoys him too. He wants you back in your box where you adore him from afar.

I would block now OP.

WelliesWithHeels · 02/12/2020 11:24

@AnImposter

What's happening now is that you've taken control by keeping silent and he won't like it as he is used to you begging!

Don't reply, keep the power in your hands, I promise that if you reply not only will you feel worse because no answer from him will be what you want, but also he will have all the control back once again.

I think you'll find he will be thrown off by your silence and he will start trying all sorts of mind games just to get a reaction, but don't fall for it! Once you send a single reply he will be back to ignoring you again.

Absolutely agree with this. By staying composed and silent and dignified you are stripping him of the power and control he assumed he had over you. In a very short span of time I think you might find that he is no longer someone you miss. You sound quite strong and he sounds quite pathetic.
Simplyunacceptable · 02/12/2020 11:48

Just block him. Your silence will provide you with dignity. Constantly pushing him for answers honestly isn’t the way to go, you’ll just upset yourself most and wind up looking desperate.

Sorry this has happened to you, he sounds like a cowardly prick.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 02/12/2020 11:53

He’s hoping to get at least one last shag out of you I expect. “Good terms” = casual sex in the interim til he finds someone else to treat badly. You’re doing really well at not replying OP. If you absolutely had to reply I would simply say you’re not looking for a FWB situation but wish him well and then do not reply again (I probably wouldn’t be able to block and delete either but I used to have a bad habit of living for the drama of it all). I was in a relationship like this in my late teens/early 20s and it’s really hard so I sympathise enormously. If it’s any consolation my next relationship was super straightforward as I’d learned a lot

bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 11:56

This man really is a control freak isn't he. Even though he's dumped you you should still be nice to him and on good terms = so he can come back in the future should he choose and can't find anyone else to listen to him / shag him.

bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 11:57

I ended up doing the desperate please, I regret it now and wish I'd ignored.

Longwhiskers14 · 02/12/2020 12:02

@Doingmyownheadin

He’s just sent another message “I thought you wanted it to be on good terms....”
Un-fucking-believable! How dare he try to make out that you're being arsey over this. He didn't give you the chance for it to be on good terms because he broke up with you by ghosting you! I do hope you're starting to see him for the manipulative twat he is, OP.
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/12/2020 12:06

You actually don't "miss him", you miss the comfort of being in a relationship and the him, that you thought he was, or that he tried to present himself as.
He is an emotional user and abuser, plain and simple and what he is doing now is his already tried and tested fishing technique. Ignore you, leave you in the dark as to where the relationship is, make you feel guilty and desperate for being "too demanding" and "going on" ( which is actually just asking reasonable questions anyone would ask but ones he clearly doesn't want to answer for obvious reasons)
Now he's actually had the confidence that he has you where he wants you so he feels he can make his rubbish "offer" of of a crap relationship in the open and if you accept, (as you have gone back to him previously) he's worked out that you won't be able to complain about the lack of a real relationship - which suits him just fine.
As previous poster has said, he has "Trained" you to feel bad.
He's not ignoring you BTW, he's leaving you to stew in the hope that you will miss him so much you will agree to anything. Everytime you accept something from him, he throws you back into the pond to keep you stewing and hoping for a further crumb. What a DETESTABLE HUMAN BEING.
This "good terms" business is rubbish, its a way for him to leave the door open, when you are feeling low to reel you back in. Don't let him play this abusive games with you anymore. Block, Block, Block.
Thank God, you have your independence, your work, your home.
You don't need this utter creep. Focus on yourself, your own life and on things that you might want to do, simple, small steps. Of course you feel low and sad about this, who wouldn't.. but your life doesn't have to be lived according to this creeps stupid rules.
And stop apologising for your every action. Get someone professional to talk to, to help you out of this. Heal yourself, be kind to yourself, distract yourself with music, comedy books, films (NOT rom coms, they are the worst examples of relationships ever invented) exercise, focus on doing good things for yourself and then you can look forward to a finding a relationship with a more wholesome person. Best wishes for a better 2021.

UncleBunclesHouse · 02/12/2020 12:08

Don’t reply, mute WhatsApp and block block block! He’s going to keep drip drip over time as he won’t like you not playing to his tune so cut him off completely, it’s really the only way. At least 2 hrs away you won’t bump into him. It’s not you believe me. Go and read the book Why men love bitches (tongue in cheek title) - it will make you feel so much better and stop you getting into this kind of situation again

bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 12:08

Or just send him a message telling him to go away.

"As the relationship is now over I have no desire to stay in touch, please respect that". Then block.

bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 12:13

Also read Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 12:15

I’ve just realised I had my read receipts switched off on WhatsApp when I went to read his last message. Oops. So now it will look like I didn’t even read the message.
He will be thinking I’m in a right huff and spat my dummy out.
I do need to sort myself out....

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/12/2020 12:21

Gosh, you still care what he thinks?
Maybe he thinks you've finally got wise to him and are coolly ignoring him.

Longwhiskers14 · 02/12/2020 12:23

I do need to sort myself out....

In what way? By showing him you've read his messages to make him feel better? Why???? He doesn't give a shit about you, so stop giving a shit about him.

chemicalworld · 02/12/2020 12:26

It actually doesn't matter what he thinks about you, and whether or not you are in a huff.

You do need to sort yourself out a little OP, you actually sound stronger to me, than you might think!

I think you are waking up! Missing what you thought you had is normal, don't beat yourself up for having emotions - but do try to keep telling yourself what you deserve is not 'too much'. His comment about 'unless you are on your way over' is horrible. He has hurt you, and then he's 'joking' about you coming over to be his FWB? He fully thinks this will happen because he has trained you to expect less and less.

Put your big girl pants on and open your eyes to what you DESERVE. A fulfilling, loving relationship with someone who not only lets you into their life, but WANTS you in it.

Talking to a professional may help you wade through this, but if you aren't ready for that, keep talking on here.

ravenmum · 02/12/2020 12:28

He didn't speak to you for days. Did you think he was in a childish huff?

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 12:28

@Doingmyownheadin

I’ve just realised I had my read receipts switched off on WhatsApp when I went to read his last message. Oops. So now it will look like I didn’t even read the message. He will be thinking I’m in a right huff and spat my dummy out. I do need to sort myself out....
It doesn't matter what he thinks. It really doesn't. Please try to get out of the mindset of hypervigilence of your actions and his response to them.

This is very worrying OP. You no longer have to read his messages. It's over.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 12:28

It’s just all so much drama! I told him that a few weeks ago that everything with us is drama and a big deal yet he claims to be so laid back and chilled and wants me to be chilled! I said well a relationship evolving is chilled yet you telling someone about me is like the biggest deal ever! And it should be easy and everyone else it just is easy for. Then I got told off for comparing us to other people Hmm

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 02/12/2020 12:30

It should be easy, yes. You were correct. Hopefully next time you will spot the signs and if someone else wants to hold you at arms length you'll tell them to get fucked.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 12:30

And now the break up is drama! Him going silent, texting me rather than just calling me or telling me face to face. The Mexican stand off not messaging. Honestly it’s exhausting the whole thing!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/12/2020 12:31

"Chilled" is code for "put up with all my crap without complaining".
Then he scolds you like a naughty child when you don't.
He's just being massively unreasonable, that's about it. No need to engage with that.

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 12:33

It's only exhausting if you allow it be.

Block and the whole thing is done. Stop allowing him to fuck around with your head. It's just fun for him to see how far he can go with you.

ravenmum · 02/12/2020 12:35

The Mexican stand off not messaging
Just send him a message "Sorry, it's not working for me, I'm calling this off. All the best, X" then block. No more drama and stand-offs.

Or are you actually hoping he'll start begging and you can graciously "let him come back"?

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