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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 10:33

Lukewarm cock made me laugh haha!
I’m glad I managed to keep a shred of self respect anyway. I didn’t try to change his mind of convince him or chase. He would of fully been expecting me to, so I’m glad I was clinical and just said fair enough I’m done

OP posts:
notsurewhattodo22 · 04/12/2020 10:34

Hi...I'm reading your thread as similar happened to me a few weeks ago. Mine also ended it so casually and breezily. He also wasn't kind looking back.

I'm still upset somedays but not as bad as I was at first.

AmorFattyOwlOne · 04/12/2020 10:41

@BogRollSpiderLadder

Cold turkey is way better than lukewarm cock.

You’re doing great. Flowers

Star

Love that!

Mrsmummy90 · 04/12/2020 11:07

If you always need to question where you stand with someone then it's time to stop standing and start walking.

Sounds like you're better off without him xx

nitsandwormsdodger · 04/12/2020 11:56

Did you ever randomly call him u when he wasn't expecting it or pop round to his house or were the times if calls all at the same time ? Did he control when you came round and when you communicated?

nitsandwormsdodger · 04/12/2020 12:01

He was grooming you to be the FWB
If you weaken you will be

Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 12:03

He always said to me call when you want. We were long distance so meet ups were always arranged. He does work away as well so we used to call and FaceTime a lot when he was away.

OP posts:
Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 12:04

My last post was in response to nitsandwormsdodger post! Still haven’t figured out how to reply to a specific poster Blush

OP posts:
Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 12:05

I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever hear from him again. He isn’t one for dwelling on the past and has the ability to move on quick from things

OP posts:
notsurewhattodo22 · 04/12/2020 12:07

Realised I won't hear from mine again either now. Been 3 weeks ...it's just horrible.

Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 12:09

Are you feeling better?

OP posts:
lifestooshort123 · 04/12/2020 12:13

OP, gosh you've done so well - a really big pat on the back! You deserve someone so much kinder than him so grieve for what wasn't to be and then hold your head up high 💐

notsurewhattodo22 · 04/12/2020 12:17

Em better than I was...I was crying none stop nearly all day, felt like I'd been thumped everytime I woke up, just awful pain of the finality of it.

I am now not so bad....probably still cry a little every few days.

Been desperate to contact him but I did that at the start and he ignored me/ didn't seem bothered at all.

He meant way more to me than I did to him, we were also long distance. He said he didn't have time etc for a relationship too.

Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 12:19

Just struggling to concentrate. I’m hoping it gets easier, I guess I’m ruminating if that’s the right way to describe it.
Just feel like the carrot was constantly dangled but I was always just out of reach for progressing the relationship. Not sure why I ever thought it was going to happen, I guess I was too trusting. Hopefully some valuable lessons learned.
Still miss him like crazy though and the sex was the best I’ve ever had which doesn’t help 🙈

OP posts:
notsurewhattodo22 · 04/12/2020 12:22

Same...Best sex!

Mine dangled it in front of me for ages too...when things improve ( insert excuse) we will be fine. When they did improve he still didn't want to.

I'm working from home lonely and bored so he really brightened up my day.

TheQueef · 04/12/2020 12:24

Keep strong.
Staying NC will be something you need for MH, not to punish them.

I had bad luck.
Four weeks after ghosting my neighbour bought the same car he had.
I was up and down of the sofa every five minutes, surprised I didn't wear a hole in the curtain.
That started me off all again!
But it passed, it always does Brew

Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 12:41

There’s just be so many men like this about!

I don’t know how many times I got reminded about just how busy he was! Used to do my nut in! I’m busy too but had no issues in the slightest making the effort and the time.

Although these days being busy consists mostly of working at home. I need to up my concentration levels and throw myself into my job I guess.
I loved the distraction of hearing from him and looking forward to seeing him.

This is so shit!!

OP posts:
Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 12:42

My friend sent me this link

www.bustle.com/p/what-is-negging-7-signs-someone-is-doing-it-to-you-72174

So many on the list apply!!

OP posts:
notsurewhattodo22 · 04/12/2020 12:55

Mine used to do my head in with the 'busy excuse...made me feel i was worthless and not good enough for his valuable time.

Urgh it really is shit, mine was in control of everything and if I dared to have feelings would ignore / dismiss/ be too busy for the conversation. I felt myself walking on eggshells just to get him to want me.

Absolutely selfish and a control freak.

ArabellaScott · 04/12/2020 12:56

He's sounding less appealing by the minute, OP.

Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 13:04

I just looked over some of our photos....back to pining....I know I just have to ride it out but I am concerned I’ll be hung up on him. I think part of it is I want what I can’t have and also I can’t help thinking about the really funny moments and that lovely moments. We did have a lot of them and now it feels like it never happened, total distant memory.
I do miss him

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 04/12/2020 13:07

I used to have one who always had a "cold" or some minor injury. Added bonus of being able to claim to be slightly fragile and therefore unlikely to be a bad guy (he was a bad guy).

The last time he tried to meet up with me, I told him I had a sore leg. To his credit, he got it straight away and never bothered me again. Which was a shame really as I was going to tell him I had earache, or possibly a bit of a sniffle!

ArabellaScott · 04/12/2020 13:14

OP, I was in a relationship for 5 years that had many happy and funny and lovely moments, and great sex.

He also threw me across a room once or twice.

A shit relationship can also contain good moments.

An abusive or manipulative man is careful to sprinkle these good moments about so that you are kept hopeful that they will happen more. They are often incredibly romantic and/or charming and persuasive. It's part of the game.

Pine all you like, but your long term happiness does not lie with this man, I promise you.

ravenmum · 04/12/2020 13:32

Sore leg is a nice touch.

Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 14:19

I’m just struggling a bit today

OP posts: