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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 03/12/2020 16:57

'But I’m just sitting thinking he will be on dating apps already lining up someone new and that person will get his best chat!;

Feel sorry for them, they will go through the same as you.

chemicalworld · 03/12/2020 17:04

quite honestly, you really would benefit from some therapy to help you to understand what is going on for you with all this. Why you made him the 'prize' that you were willing to sacrifice your (very reasonable) relationship needs for. Did his family even know about you? Are you frightened of having a relationship with someone who doesn't hold you back in this way? What was so special about this man that you put up with this for so long for?

Your expectations were reasonable, he never wanted a real relationship. You were 2 hours away and this suited him. He dropped you and stopped speaking to you and he never seemed to worry about how HE was coming across to YOU. You are still worrying about how you came across to him, when your needs were not being met.

You need to get yourself to a point where next time, and there will be a next relationship, you never let yourself accept anything less than you deserve. Maybe deep down you don't feel good enough now, because he has made you feel this way. You are good enough, the issue is him. You have to realise this though and I would recommend speaking all of this through with a therapist. It will help you.

Cavagirl · 03/12/2020 17:09

he will be on dating apps already lining up someone new
What's to stop you doing the same?
If the answer is - I'm not over him, I can't imagine being with anyone else - well, the fact that you imagine he doesn't have that problem tells you all you need to know about how unequal your relationship was. You're at home in tears but you expect he's gone straight on a dating website.
He's a prize twat OP, surely you must objectively see that even though it really hurts right now?

ravenmum · 03/12/2020 17:14

he will be on dating apps already lining up someone new and that person will get his best chat
Oh, the lucky woman who gets the Best Chat of a man who's just treated his last gf like total crap and is so coldhearted that he's straight on to the next one without drawing breath.

AmorFattyOwlOne · 03/12/2020 17:15

Well done op.
It gets easier. Xx

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 17:38

I know I could never do this again. And yes in some respects at the minute I don’t think I would even know what to do if someone genuinely cared and loved me, I think I’ve most all sense of what is classed as ‘normal’ in a relationship.
And I wasn’t expecting a reply at all to my cheerio message but hours later and sitting here I’m thinking the only thing I have never done in 4 years is say f**k this and walk away. And even doing that today has zero reaction from him! So I think that also is a firm reminder he doesn’t care!!

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 03/12/2020 17:43

I do relate to you. The thing is, you are capable of loving, and you wanted that back from him. You wanted more, and you were able to give more. That is something he does not have, and you do. You have the capability to be open, loving, kind and thoughtful and he does not.

That is your advantage! You will find someone who is able to give the same as you, and when you do you'll look back on this man and he will be nothing.

Purplealienpuke · 03/12/2020 20:50

Yay, the rubbish took itself out!
You are feeling shitty now.
You won't feel shitty forever 💐
The man was a wanker treating you so appallingly.
But today is a new day.
Your new mantra is 'I'm a strong woman. I can achieve anything '
(You can add 'he's a cunt' in the there if it helps 😉)

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 21:03

I figure I would try fake it till I make it. As long as I don’t message him one night all missing him and shit. I’m determined to have disappeared as far as he is concerned.

OP posts:
TripleSeptic · 03/12/2020 21:13

Read the similar thread by @Runningintherain. Do not message him again even if your life and the future of all humanity depends on it.

Cavagirl · 03/12/2020 21:16

I’m determined to have disappeared as far as he is concerned
OP let's make that I'm determined he's disappeared as far as I'm concerned You are still framing a lot of your thinking around how he is experiencing this situation.
Faking it til you make it sounds like a good strategy. Someone posted great advice on a similar thread on here today - action often precedes motivation. So even though you don't feel like it, I think delete and block is still the right way to go. Take away the temptation!

TwentyViginti · 03/12/2020 21:25

OP let's make that I'm determined he's disappeared as far as I'm concerned You are still framing a lot of your thinking around how he is experiencing this situation.

This is true. You have to retrain your thinking to how you are experiencing things, rather than leaping immediately to how you think he is.

Can you see now how he's worked on you over the years to centre him in your every thought, rather than yourself?

Don't be a passenger in your own life. Be the driver.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 23:11

I did just read that thread tonight! Wow! I should of just continued to ignore him as well rather than send the I’m done message!
Very impressive

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/12/2020 23:13

What a pathetic coward. He should have had the decency to end it properly. If he comes crawling back tell him to do one. You deserve better.

TwentyViginti · 03/12/2020 23:15

Your "I'm done" message was just fine!

Running was rather awesome, and gets namechecked a lot here.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 23:15

I really do worry too much about he sees things rather than me. I’m hoping that will change soon.
I’m just going between being really hacked off with how he did this to then being sad and missing him!
How he spent the Saturday night before he disappeared with me and it was great, Sunday was fine, Monday day a little quiet that boom Monday night he’s gone! And it took over a week of silence and me wondering what oh earth was going on to then tell me oh I’ve decided I don’t want a relationship afterall! It’s laughable really

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 23:19

His words were “I don’t want a relationship, I tried and it’s just not for me”....all breezy like. No phone call or nothing. And then in the same message proceeds to tell me he is sooooooo busy that he only has time for a f**k buddy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 23:20

I’m just having a rant Blush

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 03/12/2020 23:26

You can change, but it will take time. It's a question of retraining your brain, which wants to go over the same things again and again, looking at things from HIS angle.

You have to do something like shout STOP! either in your mind, or out loud if alone - then immediately think of something else, like the tree your getting, how to decorate it, what to have for dinner even. Anything that breaks your thought patterns.

Focus on your new, free life without the clutter of his mindfuckery in it.

TwentyViginti · 03/12/2020 23:29

@Doingmyownheadin

I’m just having a rant Blush
Rant away! it's clearing out the rubbish Grin

Allow yourself ranting time, then think of other things.

YOU CAN DO IT.

bangheadhere40 · 04/12/2020 09:58

How are you today op?

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 04/12/2020 10:07

Hi, cold turkey has fully set in and the realisation it’s over. I was back at the gym this morning as I hadn’t been all last week when he disappeared. So I thought it best not to let it ruin my routine at the gym and get back to it.
I’m missing him terribly and I’ve had a wee cry already today! I don’t have the urge to message him. I feel too hurt that he took a week of silence to then send me that message and not even phone me. Maybe it’s just the way things are done now. He didn’t once ask me how I was feeling, he’s only concerned about himself. So I’m trying to keep those thoughts whenever I feel sad that he just wasn’t kind.

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 04/12/2020 10:15

Well done for getting back to the gym, OP. Crying is also a good thing! Let it out. It's not easy, but it is a process and you will get through it.

Cavagirl · 04/12/2020 10:20

Maybe it’s just the way things are done now no it's not, he's a twat!
He didn’t once ask me how I was feeling, he’s only concerned about himself exactly!
Hope you feel better after going to the gym OP. Enjoy your lovely weekend with the tree.
(And I'm still going to advocate blocking him to avoid the inevitable lovey-dovey message when he tries to reel you back in again.... please think about it!)

BogRollSpiderLadder · 04/12/2020 10:26

Cold turkey is way better than lukewarm cock.

You’re doing great. Flowers

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