Ghosted in long term relationship

[Doingmyownheadin]

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

Great advice. Silence speaks volume.

I’d be laughing at his pathetic attempts to reel me in again, great entertainment, but then I’ve been round the block (and I’m not in pain from thinking I’m still in love with such a person). The pain is temporary, just let yourself feel it as much as you want, however long it takes. Eventually it will heal. Just hold on.

I never usually make comments on MN about people I’ve never met but he sounds pretty much a creep messing you around for his own ego and manipulative objectives. PPs have been pretty spot on with his motives.

Don’t reply. The silence will drive him nuts - you know how it feels. Please don’t crack. Be strong and believe in yourself.

It's very sad though. The OP has spent 4 years attached to this man. I spent a quarter of that and am still sad even though I can see...I can't stop my feelings.

OP - you obviously loved this man to stay for so long, you hoped for the best. It's extremely difficult, you wanted him to come good and he didn't. I know you are in the thick of it but how he has gone about things today is awful.

It’s just so grim, I feel rubbish. All the comments are totally helping me stay strong though. They really are.
I just can’t believe I invested 4 years and didn’t do something about this sooner and clung on to the hope that we would finally progress to the next level. Now looking back it was never going to happen! Ever!

Don't feel bad about the wasted time. Learn from it instead, forgive yourself for not taking action earlier and move on. It'll take some time to feel "right" about not having him in your life, but little by little, you'll get there .

This moment is the beginning of a new chapter OP.
Get angry and cry. You should be angry at the absolute twat!
But don't give him any more of yourself. It's time to start the process of leaving him behind.
Block him and free up some headspace to grieve for what you thought it would be.x

If he can treat you like this he isn't a keeper as whilst he may like you, he doesn't really carer for you. You deserve better. Block him so he cannot reel you in again when he realises the grass isn't greener. It will make it easier.

As did I you clung on because you believed what he was saying was true, it really is hard to get your head round that there are some nasty bastards out there!

There is nothing wrong with being a trusting caring person. Unfortunately for you and I we placed our trust in the wrong hands.

It will be okay x

OP please listen to everyone, it's time to block. It's not helping and you're just continuing the torment.

STAY STRONG @Doingmyownheadin

do no reply to this mess of a 'man' - he is weak, a coward, a user, playing with your feelings and making you feel sad and doubting yourself. He adds NOTHING to your life - block him, keep busy and put him where he belongs IN THE BIN

Love is not like this, OP. Love is warming, loving and reassuring. A bit exciting, sure, but not stomach-churning anxiety-making walking-on-eggshells sturm-und-drang.

Bin him. Move on. Rebuild your self esteem.

Don't be so hard on yourself OP. I think pretty much every woman I know has a "dodgy ex" that they stayed with for far too long (I've got multiple). And if they don't then that's because they're still with him...!

Also, the 2 hour distance could well be a blessing to you now.

Jesus it normally takes them longer to start the barrage of messages ... he’s obviously confused about why he’s lost the control.
He’s a WANKER!! And you deserve so much more

He's really trying hard to get back control! Do not reply - he will totally turn the tables on you and you will feel 10 times worse. Time to block. You're going so well.

He’s honestly such a pathetic and transparent prick...

One day you will look back on this guy and think, ‘what the fuck did I see in him!’

This is all about stroking his planet sized ego.. What a predictable, self-serving bellend.

Do not reply, it’s a game for him, so don’t give him the satisfaction.

He's testing you alright, to see how low your bar is.

But you didn't know before that it wasn't a proper relationship in his eyes. Now that he's announced he wants you as a fuck buddy, you know that he isn't good enough. So if you text him now, you've passed his test, ie, you have a low bar.

I'm going to go against the grain and say don't block. This pathetic specimen of a man is starting to show his true colours with his messaging. The sooner the OP sees what he's really like and the contempt for him comes, then the sooner she will get over him.

Blocking him runs the risk of keeping the wondering whether he has or hasn't messaged in the OPs head.

Stay strong, you deserve so much better than him.

I messaged him last night. I could feel myself enjoying the fact that he was trying to get me to speak and it’s not good. Usually I would message in the past convincing him to take me back but I messaged saying it was clear it was over etc and I was done and going to move on or something along those lines. He messaged this morning asking me if I would prefer if he didn’t message me at all and just left me be. I haven’t replied yet but I will rely saying yes. It’s just hard because I’m so sad and I know he will be off to look for a FWB. Fee so shite this morning

You have to train your self to get turned off by the audacity of how little he is offering you.

He has been with you four years, he knows you love him and he knows he doesnt love you, but he plans to capitalise on that by using you. He could respect you but no, his plan is to back you in to a corner where you willingly agree to let him use you. So he is not even a bad guy.

Get very very angry about that. Get turned off now.

Did you order natalie lues books? They will help so much. Millions of us have been through this.

Good update OP. I have been following the thread and was beginning to think maybe you should shut things down once and for all as he was so clearly trying to manipulate you. I agree reply to his latest message, with something along the lines of ‘yes please, take care’ of ‘yes please, all the best’ - polite and clear but relatively cold.
Sometimes these men who ghost will be surprised to have the option to pop up again in future taken out of their hands. Serves them right.

Think about it. You've been in a kind of prison for four years trapped by your investment in this selfish man. Hoping for a future. Clinging on, looking for signs he'd change.

Now you're free, because you know the truth. Don't think about what he'll be doing - think about what YOU'LL be doing to improve and fill your life.

As for him asking you if you want him to stop messaging - you have the means to stop him messaging. Simply block. I guarantee if you don't, he'll be messaging sporadically to keep your mind focused on him. That's what he's used to.

Ps, dont reply to his message. Im annoyed on yr behalf that he is putting you in this position. He thought you had such a low bar that he could relegate you (again).

The only way to show these users and takers your worth is not to text back.

He thought you would put up with being relegated to fuckbuddy. Show him that you have a higher standard than he thought. Not that it matters really, what he thinks.

You will feel better soon. I read natalie lues books and listened to youtube clips about how to get your sense of yrslf back after being dumped, and they did help. Xx