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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
AmorFattyOwlOne · 03/12/2020 08:23

Agree with lampan, short polite text "yes please dont text, all the best, bye".

Agree that he thought you were going to be the slippers he could go back to. Ykwim. You are nobody's old slippers. He mislead you. He is not good enough for you.

ravenmum · 03/12/2020 08:24

I personally wouldn't leave it in his hands as to whether I continued to receive messages. But it seems you're not used to taking control of a situation?

carlaCox · 03/12/2020 08:27

I do agree that at this point you should block. I'll bet you a hundred quid he'll send you a "I miss you " message over Christmas just to ruin your day. Block. Block. Block.

TwentyViginti · 03/12/2020 08:34

Oh yes, he'll definitely be sending reeling-you-back- in messages over Xmas, new year.

But it seems you're not used to taking control of a situation?

OP has danced to his tune for years. It's going to take time to realise that she no longer has to. She won't block yet, but hopefully in the near future she'll be ready to.

Cavagirl · 03/12/2020 08:39

@carlaCox

I do agree that at this point you should block. I'll bet you a hundred quid he'll send you a "I miss you " message over Christmas just to ruin your day. Block. Block. Block.
100% this!!! They are so predictable!

OP there's a lot of worry about him moving onto someone else in all your posts - his next gf will be the one to have what you couldn't have, etc etc. In the kindest way, you're still living in a fantasy in your head of who this guy really is. He was never going to want to settle down with you, in 4 years he's shown you that. He may well shack up with the next woman he meets and post gooey photos of himself with a new baby on SM (another thing to block) but this was never about timing. You didn't have to wait long enough and then he'd reach a point where he'd change his mind. I know he told you that but it wasn't true. You gave him 4 years and he didn't want it. You could stick around for another 4 years and it still won't happen. He's shown you who he is and he's told you what he wants. Listen. Then start thinking about what you want in 2021 for yourself. He's a knob and not worth your thinking time!

Noshowlomo · 03/12/2020 08:43

BLOCK HIM! Because you have told him what you think and he’s still coming at you. He knows you love him and he can’t give you what you want so why does he think it’s ok to still contact you. Prick

TwentyViginti · 03/12/2020 08:49

OP there's a lot of worry about him moving onto someone else in all your posts

For years he's been dangling the prize of a full relationship over OP. She feels the next woman he takes up with will be stealing the prize.

bangheadhere40 · 03/12/2020 08:54

I know everyone is saying block but if you don't feel you can just yet that's fine.

I feel he's backing you into a corner now putting the onus on you as to not make him appear the bad guy, very manipulative. My ex was the same....had to appear the nice mature one. All about perception and ego with these men.

What did you decide to say OP? Has he apologised yet for leading you on for 4 years?

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 09:03

I haven’t said anything yet. I’m just crying over the finality of it and the face he doesn’t want me. I do feel like the next person will be stealing my prize yes. I can’t help it at the minute. I know I’m being a loser

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 09:04

He hasn’t said sorry for anything no

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 03/12/2020 09:07

Well done, OP. You can send one last text 'yes, please, thanks and goodbye' if you wish, but I would put absolute money on him sending you more messages, even if not for a few weeks. They will be dreamy/subtle/sheepish/heartachey/romantic. He is used to being the one in control and will not be happy to see his plaything slipping away. I'm sorry if it sounds brutal, but these kind of men are like cats with mice. The charm & romance is part of the game. It's almost impossible to see when you're still deep in feeling for them - twenty years later I have nightmares where I'm still stuck in that horrible loop of off/on relationship that made me so bloody desperate!

I would suggest finding a new thing to throw yourself into that will both take your mind off it while you heal and help your self esteem - running, swimming, study for something?

ArabellaScott · 03/12/2020 09:07

Sorry, OP, cross posted.

He's not a prize. He's the opposite of the prize. This is you making your lucky escape - I know you can't see it right now.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 09:12

At least I’m working from home still. I can ball my eyes out whilst trying to type up a report. I just want to be able to focus on stuff and not feel so miserable

OP posts:
ravenmum · 03/12/2020 09:12

@TwentyViginti

Oh yes, he'll definitely be sending reeling-you-back- in messages over Xmas, new year.

But it seems you're not used to taking control of a situation?

OP has danced to his tune for years. It's going to take time to realise that she no longer has to. She won't block yet, but hopefully in the near future she'll be ready to.

True; when everything suddenly shifts and everything starts to appear in a new light, it takes a while to get your head around things!
Tinselette · 03/12/2020 09:15

OP 💐 'Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.'

Mary Oliver (American Poet)

Fandantastic · 03/12/2020 09:17

Please be kind to yourself, and learn from this (actions being louder than words).

He’s not a prize (by a long shot, a person who has a relationship but isn’t honest about it going nowhere isn’t kind at all, is that really what you’d want for yourself? Would you not be cross on a friends behalf if someone was stringing them along like that, and also frustrated with your friend for not being able to see it?)

Mourn the lost dream of a life with him, but recognise it was just a dream. In 4 years it hadn’t moved that way at all. Cry, rant on here (it’s a good place to vent).

You aren’t a loser. Many of us have been there (hence so many responses!). Learn from it. Work on creating the life you want for you and if you meet someone (just not now) then make sure they fit in with what you want, don’t hang on waiting for crumbs.

I’m so sorry for being harsh. I’ve been there. Twice. Not for as long as you but it destroyed my self esteem (I thought it must be me). Oh and yes they did marry and have kids with the next person. Ouch. But I now look back and realise I learnt a lot. Do I wish I’d learnt quicker or had enough esteem to nip it in the bud at the time? Of course. Do I kick myself about letting it happen? Not any more although I did for a while once I realised my part in it. Will it happen again? No.

Massive

Cavagirl · 03/12/2020 09:23

OP you're not being a loser at all! It's ok to feel sorry for yourself, he's treated you like shit. That's not being a loser that's perfectly understandable.
@TwentyViginti you are right and it's a succinct way of describing it. It's like he's a slot machine & OP has been chucking in the coins for 4 years and can't stop now in case the machine pays out instantly for the person behind her.
But OP a relationship shouldn't be like a slot machine that all you do is put in an hope and pray it pays out. It shouldn't be all you putting him and him maybe one day deigning to give back to you. You haven't lost anything worth keeping at all.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 09:26

I’ve sent my message, very short. I’m in no way expecting a reply. He read it straight away. Still crying but I’ve put off the misery of getting over this man for long enough so I have to force myself to break the connection and move on

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 03/12/2020 09:27

I’ll re read all the messages posted here! They help me

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 03/12/2020 09:28

Well done. Flowers Brew.

Welcome to the rest of your life, OP.

carlaCox · 03/12/2020 09:34

If you're working from home I can highly recommend listening to some "fuck you" music. My personal picks:
Sorry, Beyonce
Goddess, Banks
You're So Vain, Carly Simon

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 03/12/2020 09:36

Good on you OP

Grrrpredictivetex · 03/12/2020 09:36

@Doingmyownheadin do you have family or friends to see and get your mind of this jerk? Sounds like when he met you, you where a vulnerable person after your marriage breakup, and he took full advantage.

As people have said get some therapy and bolster your own self worth. Break this cycle now. Good luck.

Lordamighty · 03/12/2020 09:37

I heard this on the radio the other day,

don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket

cantwaitforchristmasyay · 03/12/2020 09:46

He's no prize OP, you were the prize. Have a think about what you're actually crying about - you're not losing anything except a future you had hoped for with a person who is definitely not him. He doesn't care about you, he has no heart. He's treated you like crap and will continue to do so until you start to love yourself enough to say no and walk away. You're far too good for him. Don't cry over such a nasty piece of work.

Take care of yourself OP and stop allowing losers like him to disrespect you, to use you and to treat you like crap. You need to start accepting some responsibility for being in this position - you have allowed him to do this to you. Why is that?

He is not who you want him to be and never will be. He's nasty