Feeling punched in the stomach about Christmas

[Lettersjy]

Wasn’t sure where to post. I’m single and have begun to struggle massively the last few weeks. I can go days without seeing anyone other than the supermarket staff.

I broke up with my DP of 4 years in February. We were about to start ttc (has very early miscarriage) and he suddenly announced that I wasn’t right for him, huge criticism of me and I later realised he’d met someone at work. He’s now living with her and they’re having a baby in May.

So far this year I’ve plodded on, had one low moment where an ambulance was called when I nearly took my life. I’m ashamed of it. I’ve somehow managed to keep working, I work from home. Fuck knows how. Had some ok days and some laughs with friends.

But oh my fucking god I am not coping with Christmas. I feel distraught. People sharing homemade advent calendars they’ve made each other, families cosy in their decorated homes. I know I shouldn’t watch but without social media it’s even more isolating at the moment and that doesn’t change the direct messages I get in text or WhatsApp of people sending me these things. It’s also depicted in every advert, in every shop, in songs on the radio. Our street had a light up evening last Friday night and everyone was supposed to come to their doors and cheer. I couldn’t face it. I am struggling. I’m in therapy but no amount of therapy is going to remove this horrible pain. I don’t know if I can face this year alone. All I’ve ever wanted is a home with a family and I’m too old now. Family alone is not an option for me. How many years with I have to do this. I’m afraid and sad.

So sorry OP. I don't think social media is reflective of real life. People share their best bits and often those are highly staged.

Do you have anyone to spend Christmas with? I think making plans is usually is the key but it's so hard this year with all the restrictions.

I think you could reconsider lone parenthood. You could be a lovely Foster parent for example. Honestly if I wasn't a mum I'd feel the same as
you. Yet I never believed I could be happy as a lone parent, but thats how I ended up, and I'm a lot happier than I'd be without them.

@Someonesayroadtrip I can go to family but I just want it to be over. I am so cut up about my life that Christmas feels like a big fucking spotlight on all my pain and makes it burn. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

I'm so sorry. That sounds very hard.
Well done for posting here for support

Recognising that this is going to be a difficult time for you and planning ahead is the way to get through. Do you have plans for the day itself? Planning things, even small things, to look forward to this month is a good idea.

I know it probably doesn't help, but Christmas is a shitshow for most families. Only the highly curated photos make it to social media.

And please don't give up. I hate to be all Pollyanna-ish, but you could, for example, meet someone new and become a stepmother and be very happy. Things can change. Truly, you don't know what is going to happen next. Next Christmas could be totally different.
By the way, standing in a doorway and cheering sounds crap and I would have avoided it too!

Hi @Lettersjy I completely sympathise. This time of year is a slog for anyone going through difficulties. I've turned social media off because it grinds my gears. I hang out mainly with friends who have also been through hard times and are more honest about their feelings. People I can tell how bleak I feel. Do you have any friends who are likely to understand what you're going through?
I write stuff down too, prevents me losing my rag to some extent. But friends and nature are my main saviours

I am so sorry for all your losses this year, I just want to hug you! Amongst everything else 2020 has been dreadful for being able to put your best foot forward and walk on into a new part of your life. You sound well rid of your cheating ex-partner, you are still grieving and not in a position through lockdown of being able to balance the grief with living. It will get better, I think sometimes you have to acknowledge to yourself that here and now feels crap, but it won't always. Next year will still come and you will heal and feel better.
Keep going with the therapy, keep talking to your friends, treat yourself for Christmas this year. You will get there.

Oh and posting on here is good. I got a lot of support and kindness last week on the mental health board, it helped immeasurably

I was where you are now. I'd either work through Xmas day or sleep through it. Pretend it didnt exist. I still hate Xmas but thankfully age 37 I've met my partner and still going strong, perhaps stronger than some couples thta meet younger as we have done our growing, know what we want, don't have the money worries as younger families do etc. I had my son late but we are so close. DP also has 3 kids and we get on great.
This is from someone that was sexually abused as a child, physically, verbally emotionally and sexually abused up until early 30s, lost my brother when I was a teenager, had no relationship with my mum from being around 10 years old etc. Life was shit. Really really shit. However I'm not sure I'd say it was worth it, but it definitely turned round for me. Just please keep fighting, never give up x

So sorry you're having such a tough time.
It helps me to think about this time like a waiting room at A and E.
It's a horrible place. You're in pain. You don't know how long you're going to be there. Everyone else there is miserable too.
But it's just a waiting room. You're not going to be there forever.
At the moment life is shit in lots of obvious ways, but also lots of non obvious ways that are accumulating. But it won't last forever, soon you'll be able to meet new people again. You may meet the love of your life!
You'll get through this, hope you can start to see some positivity soon.

Every time you see an image of someone else's "perfect" life on social media you should remember the front cover of this week's New Yorker. You have no idea what is going on in the background.

OP I know this feeling from years ago- this is radical but could you cancel Christmas for yourself? I did this and it worked like a 'reset'

It's not easy this year- in previous years you could have gone somewhere hot - do you have any similar friends who don't like Christmas? Sometimes a shared plan of avoidance is empowering.

I totally get what you mean about every ad and social media etc- and it is not easy to avoid as at the moment- it is how we are connecting with people. Hang in there, it will get better- when I was at my lowest and in pain someone said to me "You just have to walk through it- there's no way round it"
I found that acknowledgement of the pain helpful, as well as visualising how far through I was- you will get there- keep chatting on here as well- it is so supportive

Ah OP. Please remember that Christmas is one of the biggest causes of divorce. What people post on SM usually hides all the negative shit that’s going on behind closed doors. The adverts are designed to make people go out and buy the stuff their selling to try and emulate a ‘perfect Xmas’

It’s been a fucking terrible year. I know two couples who has split up after decades together, people who have died of cancer. It’s been hideous.

But please remember other people will be feeling just as shit as you. And it will pass. It absolutely will do.

How old are you?

Oh my word, you poor thing. I’m giving you a totally not-allowed (due to COVID and MN’s unspoken rules!) HUG right now. Everything you’ve said makes sense - anyone would struggle. You’re not weak or silly to be struggling, you’re just human, normal, a person.

Are your family lovely? Could you see them this week/weekend now lockdown finishes tomorrow? Could you get a hug from your mum? You need your family fix.

Then, I’d recommend anti-depressants ASAP, volunteer with (proven to lower depression; people who volunteer are always found to be the happiest people on earth), fresh air every day, and a social-media ban.

I completely understand why you feel how you do. But please remember that suicide would devastate your parents, and your extended family. Please give them the opportunity to help you.

@Lettersjy

This is just a bad year;we've had Covid,you've been cheated on,left broken hearted and now having it rubbed in your face with this baby of theirs.

You've been on a right rollercoaster haven't you?,are you getting professional help?,seeing a counsellor?

Remember this situation is only temporary.You will move on,you'll meet someone else at some point,I'd probably wouldn't consider a new relationship until your in a better place mentally to give things their best shot.

As for your ex and the OW well they've not exactly left it long before getting pregnant if you only split in Feb;I think their both in for a rude awakening about what each other is really like and well if he can cheat with her then he can as easily cheat on her too.As they say the green isn't always greener on the other side;it usually smells of bull shit.

Wow thank you for all the support, I am so overwhelmed by it. I’m not sure how to respond directly to posts. I will have a go.

My family are nice but I find it almost unbearable to talk about my siblings wedding and plans. I hate myself for that. Unbearable isn’t the right word I don’t think...more lonely actually. It just stings. I also find it’s hard being in an environment where I have to smile and be ok. I don’t fee that I can not be there as it would upset my family but I think I may have to explain that I will go home late afternoon. I’m just dreading it. Even if I was to avoid it completely that would also be sad. There’s no way around it really.

So nice to hear of the poster who said at 37 they were happily with someone. I was 36 last week and it sort of pushed me further into this state of loneliness.

I have worked so hard all of my life to have a stable home, career, friends and interests. I feel now that I am massively damaged by the hurt of the early miscarriage and the broken relationship (I was sure he was the person I would marry and we’d talk about it often). I feel like I have this past now and nobody will want me for who I am today.

Oh OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Your DP treated you appallingly and the way I see it is that you actually had a lucky escape. If the year had gone how you hoped, you could have been pregnant right now and still with him, and with no idea that he was cheating on you. The fact that the OW is now expecting doesn’t make her the winner here, she is now forever tied to a man who has shown he can’t be faithful and can turn nasty.

You had a nasty shock, be kind to yourself. Call the Samaritans anytime you feel you need to.

Sending you a big hug.

You poor thing, that is awful about your ex-DP you have my utmost sympathy. When I split up with my DP of 13 years aged 36 I spent the Christmas that followed with my mum just the 2 of us and it felt like I was in some kind of negative time warp. However, now I am glad I did that as maybe she would have been on her own if I hadn't been there so try and look forward to spending time with your family. This has to be the worst year ever to be single and heartbroken so you can be proud of yourself for actually keeping down a job through all that. This isn't your life forever even if it feels hopeless now. You have been in a 4 year relationship, you can accommodate someone into your life, you are half way there. This horrible time will be a distant memory one day, you absolutely can meet someone else and be happy some day soon. Try and speak to friends who understand the situation, my sister for example met her DH aged around 19 and has never known a minute of loneliness or heartbreak in her life so would not be who I would want to talk to.

Having seen your update with your age, I then met my DH at 37 (online), got married at 39 and have 3 DCs so it definitely isn't too late for you.

Oh my love. Please please don’t give up. I had a similar low point many years ago where my then fiancé ran off with someone else 6 months before our wedding and kicked me out of our house. I was so low and felt like life wasn’t worth living. The pain was unbearable.

But I carried on - with ups and downs over the years until eventually met DH and now we’re married with 2 kids and honestly, I have literally toasted the ex thanking him from saving me from him!

So please please hang in there - life will get better - my mum always says “nothing stays the same”.

Re social media, it’s all a pile of crap. I have a friend who posts all these pictures of “perfect family life”. Everything looks pristine and perfect. But her husband is a complete obnoxious twat, treats her like shit (example: was flirting with my friends at my wedding saying he’d rather hang out with them than his wife who was 6 months pregnant) and basically does fuck all to help with the kids/round the house but is held up on social media as the perfect husband

Ps - I was 36 when met my DH. Had a kid at 39 and 41 so it’s def not too late x

My family are nice but I find it almost unbearable to talk about my siblings wedding and plans. I hate myself for that. Unbearable isn’t the right word I don’t think...more lonely actually. It just stings. I also find it’s hard being in an environment where I have to smile and be ok.

Could you phone your mum and tell her that? Be totally honest about it. “I’m feeling totally selfish and horrible but hearing all the wedding plans really makes me feel lonely and like I’m broken now and spoiled, and nothing good will ever happen to me again.”

Would she understand? I think most people would. You’ve had the WORST YEAR EVER. You’d have to be a Saint to sit and smile pang-free about a sibling’s wedding when your entire future has changed in 10 months.

I think I’d be honest. Brave faces don’t work in families; in fact, they’re the only people you DON’T have to pretend with.

I met my DP at 40- we are v happy

My best friend met hers at 39, and had 3 kids by 45!

And you are definitely not too old to have the life you want. I get why you’re floored - you were on a conveyor belt of stability which has been ripped away, and that has thrown everything up into the air. That’s terrifying! I bet when you look into the future you just see... nothing. Just blackness. A void.

I felt exactly like that when I was 39. My first husband just left, and I was suddenly alone. I remember telling anyone who’d listen - strangers, people walking their dogs - what had happened. I saw NO FUTURE.

But then life got better and I’ve bought a house, moved, made new friends, changed careers, been abroad - so much stuff!

At times like this you have to trust that a higher power, or the universe, or just something, has got your back. You don’t know what’ll happen. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be utterly wonderful. (Don’t expect to believe that yet. It takes time.)

Also - could you use this enforced upheaval to change more stuff? You’ve been on a path for ages, in every area of your life. Working to a steady plan. And that hasn’t worked out. So why not just think “fuck it” and spend 2021 doing whatever YOU want? Travel. Move house. Keep 1-hour fake tan on overnight. Write a screenplay. Change your name. Ditch friends you don’t like. Move in with friends you do. Embrace the chaos!

My friend is going through a grisly break up and she is volunteering all over Xmas to keep