Feeling punched in the stomach about Christmas

[Lettersjy]

Wasn’t sure where to post. I’m single and have begun to struggle massively the last few weeks. I can go days without seeing anyone other than the supermarket staff.

I broke up with my DP of 4 years in February. We were about to start ttc (has very early miscarriage) and he suddenly announced that I wasn’t right for him, huge criticism of me and I later realised he’d met someone at work. He’s now living with her and they’re having a baby in May.

So far this year I’ve plodded on, had one low moment where an ambulance was called when I nearly took my life. I’m ashamed of it. I’ve somehow managed to keep working, I work from home. Fuck knows how. Had some ok days and some laughs with friends.

But oh my fucking god I am not coping with Christmas. I feel distraught. People sharing homemade advent calendars they’ve made each other, families cosy in their decorated homes. I know I shouldn’t watch but without social media it’s even more isolating at the moment and that doesn’t change the direct messages I get in text or WhatsApp of people sending me these things. It’s also depicted in every advert, in every shop, in songs on the radio. Our street had a light up evening last Friday night and everyone was supposed to come to their doors and cheer. I couldn’t face it. I am struggling. I’m in therapy but no amount of therapy is going to remove this horrible pain. I don’t know if I can face this year alone. All I’ve ever wanted is a home with a family and I’m too old now. Family alone is not an option for me. How many years with I have to do this. I’m afraid and sad.

I don't mean that to sound anti-man or anti-relationship at all. Just that I realised I can live a happy life without another significant relationship with a man. I don't think I could live a happy life without a core of friends (and they dont need to be 4 friends you meet up with every night for cocktails and witty chat sex and the city style. I have people I volunteer with that are quite different to me and we wouldnt go out drinking together but they are wise and kind and enrich my life. I also have friends who live in other countries so we see each other less frequently etc. But they all add value to my life).

So sorry OP. I've been there. Waiting to wake up and for that horrible pain to have just disappeared. Feeling like everyone else was moving on with their life and I was moving backwards. Just wanting to sleep. I had to make myself do exercise getting the endorphins going. I'd go for runs at 9pm on my lit street just to get outside but I didn't want anyone to see me. I did online dating and it's the norm now. I joined book clubs and a netball team all felt alien to me but then I thought what else can I do? I worked on my own so no social life there. I got there. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept going. 36 isn't too late by a long shot. You will be happy and have the life you want to have.

No reason to feel ashamed about what happened in your low moments. You have every reason to feel proud that you're battling through, even though you still face challenges.

Also on Christmas day I recommend looking at the hashtag #joinin which Sarah Millican started and it's now a yearly thing - people who are alone or not having good Christmas vibes use the tag to find each other and it's a lovely antidote to all the other stuff on social media on Xmas day.

aww I'm so sorry OP, there is no quick fix other than be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. You will get there eventually. Do whatever you feel like doing this Christmas, if that's staying home watching shit TV, drinking wine, eating take away and having a cry then so be it, do all that and hopefully you can leave it behind with the disgusting year the 2020 was

Having suffered In the way you describe does not make you “damaged goods” at all! It makes you typically human, and it probably also makes you a more attractive partner, rather than less. There is a Nietzsche quote: “what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.” A less dramatic version would be to say, living through adversity will usually make a person more resilient.

A potential partner who has never faced any real difficulty might be lovely in good times, but might just crumble the first time there is any sort of challenge. Whereas, a person who has struggled through genuine hardship at some point has shown great potential to remain a solid partner even when a real problem comes along. Life tends to throw problems at us. Were I looking for a partner, I know which kind I would want!

What has been most effective in similar circumstances in making me feel better is getting away from where it happened. I once moved countries to get away from a city that reminded me of my ex, and it was amazingly effective. Far more so than counselling. But even moving to a different city before that helped.

Don't let yourself be defined by his bad behaviour. He cheated and lied, you didn't, therefore he is defined by it, not you. You had extreme bad luck to get involved with someone like that, thats all. He sounds like a really nasty piece of work who would have no qualms about doing it again to someone else.

Its all made worse for singletons as due to Covid its well nigh impossible to meet anyone else. Its even still illegal to spend the night at a partners whom you don't live with already (although you would have to be pretty silly to obey that).

There is no timeline! If you wanted to lone parent, you could foster or adopt, or get a puppy (that really helped my sister after she miscarried). I like PP's suggestion of just doing things completely differently!

OP i just want to also reach out with a hug. I lost my mum this year and I totally get what you aare saying about this trauma happening and then not being able to just get over it. I know exactly what you mean.

Do you like dogs at all or cats? My dogs have given me a lot of comfort & company especially when its a long day working at home. I get out with them every day and it gives me purpose and keeps me sane i think at times.
xxx

Give yourself time OP - relationships take time to recover from and it’s really not been a normal year to aid your emotional recovery . Neither is 36 too late for starting a new life - plenty of posters have given you their own examples .

Concentrate on the little things for now , new interests ... getting outside ... exercising . Don’t let this waste of space waste your life . Good luck OP

My brother met his wife when she was older than you, she had my niece when she was 45!, don't give up. 36 is plenty of time.

Urgh, I literally was you, and things turned around v fast and suddenly. Now have two children and a lovely DP. Maybe focus on doing everything you can to be in the best place you can be when lockdown lifts and life gets going again. Sod social media. The only people I know who have to post how HAPPY they are are actually pretty miserable.

Nothing I can say won't sound trivial but hold on. Imagine if you had married him, had a child and then he'd left you. You are meant to be here, dont ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. 36 is so young

Oh OP, life can be so BRUTAL. But you sound such a lovely person - it somehow shines through your posts. You definitely can and will meet someone else. If that is what you want.

My last breakup totally floored me. If I it hadn’t been for my mom and a few good friends, I am not sure I would even be here any longer. But at 42, I have met somebody else so totally lovely. On Tinder of all places! Feels much more right for me than any of the others were. Who knows, may even try for a child with him if it all works out.....

Just keep on keeping on, and accessing all the support you can. This too will pass.

And fuck social media. I know loads of people who post about their great relationships on there when in truth their marriages are in tatters......

It will be painful yes
But the pain eases and doesn't last forever

Had some hellish Xmas' over the years

Sending you lots of good wishes
Always reach out when feeling down

I have found some lovely helpful people on here

one step at a time. This is just get through Xmas. Turn off social media, mute whataspp. Find the one friend who gets it and plan something with them - depending on tiers, zoom movie night, cocktails - if you feel super low, safely meet (nothing is worth complete isolation). And sort that out. What can you manage xmas day - just arriving for lunch - can you let your family know that?

When that is done, move onto the next step.

I'm mid-40s, so most people I know have complex lives and for most people compromises galore are going on this year - I've never known it be so different. In fact if there is a year for having a low key, alternative, fuck it all Christmas, this is absolutely it.

I have nothing particularly wise to say but I just wanted to add my voice to the supportive MN chorus. I totally feel for you and the pain you are feeling. Don't feel alone because shitty times happen to everyone, despite what social media tells us. I met my partner later than most of my friends and I can honestly say that it really was up there in my top three things I've struggled with. I have been to everyone's wedding in the world whilst watching my own life being stuck in a rut. And it was bloody tough. That wait for the right person can be a desperate feeling when it's something you want so much. Especially watching your ex move on, that sucks.

As other posters have added, you deserve all the hugs and love whilst you heal from this shitty experience. You will learn so much from this - what's the saying about calm seas making bad sailors? But for now you need to focus on healing. Some of the best advice I've heard is to be a good parent to yourself. I.e. be kind to your inner child and look after yourself. Don't hurt yourself (physically or mentally) - I've never met you and I already care about you, so don't think that you don't matter.

Do all the practical things that help (no socials, protect yourself from any negative friendships or family, eat well, sleep well, listen to Beyoncé, use face masks etc). Fuck your ex (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) - if they're not the love of your life then it's their loss. They'll be nothing but a footnote in the great adventure novel of your life. You're the main character so focus on you and your happy ending. This was all meant to be so that you can overcome the sad times and meet the person you're meant to be with. And, most importantly, so that you can be the person you are meant to be.

And above all this - stick with the therapy. Well done for being wise under pressure and finding it. Give yourself a massive pat on the back for seeking out what will actually help and sticking with it. You've already shown you're made of strong stuff.

Chin up, boobs out, you got this x

I was desperately low at age 36. I wanted children and was told that I needed IVF - and even with IVF I only had a 1 in 20 chance of conceiving. I got very drunk the evening I found out, drove the next morning and got a criminal record. At 36 I was at a crossroads, I didn’t know which direction my life would go. I know my direction now - and although I’m still that anxious person, I do feel a sense of peace. There’s a film called ‘Wild’ with Reece Witherspoon, it’s really worth watching. Walking in nature, exercise, trying a challenge like couch to 5k, helps enormously. Things ARE going to improve. Christmas is largely about greed and people feeling pressured into having a good time. They then stage a happy photo to show off on social media. It’s fake. But climbing a hill, running in the rain, watching waves feels very real - and impacts the planet in a far more positive way than tinsel and tat. My daughter has decided to give Santa a break this year and give to charity.

You are not alone in how you feel OP

Maybe volunteer for crisis at Christmas? Will get you out if the house on the day, doing something incredible, meeting new people etc.

I'm so sorry OP you must be feeling dreadful. But you've dodged a bullet here, your ex sounds like a complete shit. Better he runs off with another woman now than does it leaving you struggling as a single parent like mine did. Because he would have, cheaters never settle. Cue a miserable life of working nights, scrabbling around for childcare and being too poor to buy shoes. That was years ago my son has left home now.
My sister met a nice man and had children in her 40's too but I agree with MacbookHO spend 2021 doing something extraordinary and not working to any plan.
Its been times doing just that in my life that I've had the most fun and the best memories and met the best people who are still in my life.
Christmas is so over rated, I actually laughed reading the bit about homemade advent calendars and trying to think of any man ever in my life who would have been into that with any interest whatsoever - answer...none of them.
Most people just get through it as another tedious chore, I loathe the hassle of it all and do my level best to spend christmas alone with my cat each and every year - I always have some excuse. My adult son and daughter in law are the same, they just want a day off, they don't want to get dressed up and spend the day cooking and fielding relatives who don't like each other.
I have only had one "perfect" christmas in my entire life. I was 7 at it snowed heavily - this was back in the 1960's, we were staying with my grandparents in their country cottage, carol singers came and it was everything I could ever dream of.
When I grew up I asked my mum and uncle about that year and they couldn't remember it, they said it was probably just another christmas they were forced to endure with relatives they weren't keen on.
Which is how it is, the perfect christmas only only exists in the minds of very small children.
But christmas always coughs up sadness and feelings you don't want. It will soon be over then you can start thinking about what you want to do next year.
Whatever you decide to do a lying, cheating shit and a bad potential father will not be part of it. Your children deserve a proper father not one like your ex.

I can totally relate to the part in your op where you said about supermarket staff. I do see people virtually for work, but that is work. Most of the time I work at home alone. Tesco's is a highlight as I actually get to speak to the cashiers - real humans.

I remember after my Mum died I had month after month of feeling dead. I walked, talked, ate etc but inside it was like there was nothing there. No hope, no happiness etc. I had nothing left, like a car with no fuel that was still travelling I had no idea how I functioned. I felt like it would never end but it did. Slowly over time it got better. Things will improve and get better for you and you will be happy again, although I appreciate it is hard or even impossible for you to believe that now.

As pp said try and look after yourself the best you can, be kind to yourself

Hi OP how are you today? I wanted to recommend some positive Instagram accounts you might like to consider following to add something to your feed that will boost your mental health as an antidote to some of the other stuff. Also did you know you can mute people on there? They don't know but it stops their posts showing in your feed - really useful for friends and family who you can't realistically I follow but whose posts make you feel sad. I also really recommend following the mental health charity, Shout who are @giveusashoutinsta on Instagram. They are posting a tip a day for advent at the moment all focussed on good mental health at Christmas including surviving families and social media. I also recommend Matt Haig's Instagram account - he has struggled with mental health and posts honestly about where he's come from and where he's at now which I find helpful. If podcasts are your thing I recommend Happy Place with Ferne Cotton which has helped me enormously to hear other people's ways of coping with life and all it brings. I also highly recommend the podcast How To Fail where people talk about events in their life they perceived as failures at the time but in reality are the paths to better. Take care X

Try to avoid SM if it’s making you feel so much worse. I don’t use it at all anymore, spend a lot less time on my phone and feel way better as a result. Remember that it is mostly fake anyway. I know it’s an extreme example but the Netflix documentary about the man in the US who killed his whole family really brought it home to me. The wife was posting on FB every day about how happy they all were, they looked like the perfect family... Then he killed them. You honestly don’t know what is happening behind the scenes, they could be arguing before and after said photograph.

Your ex is a prick and you still have time to find someone better and start a family. This year I’d spend it with family or friends if you can. It has been a tough year but the vaccine is providing some light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully back to some sort of normality this time next year. Please keep going.

@flapjackfairy

Oh bless you. Anyone would be feeling rubbish after all that you have had to put up with. Honestly you are by no means too old to have the life you want. I had my last birth child at 36, then went on to foster and adopted my son aged 50. Dont give up hope please. My advice would be not to shut yourself away because any interaction makes things that little bit better. Even greeting neighbours . And see your family over Christmas if you can . It really will make you feel a little better even if you don't believe it now.

I feel so for you having had your life destroyed and having to watch your ex living the life you wanted to have with him. It is v cruel and you don't deserve it. I really hope things look up for you soon x

@flapjackfairy I think that’s what is making it harder, imagining him getting ready for Christmas with her and then he gets a child too and they can have this happy family. It’s hard and makes me feel like I will literally never have these things, especially as I feel tarnished now, this heartbreak and loss will always form part of me and I’m not sure if anyone new would like this version of me, even if I get ‘better’ it’s all still happened and is part of my past.