Feeling punched in the stomach about Christmas

[Lettersjy]

Wasn’t sure where to post. I’m single and have begun to struggle massively the last few weeks. I can go days without seeing anyone other than the supermarket staff.

I broke up with my DP of 4 years in February. We were about to start ttc (has very early miscarriage) and he suddenly announced that I wasn’t right for him, huge criticism of me and I later realised he’d met someone at work. He’s now living with her and they’re having a baby in May.

So far this year I’ve plodded on, had one low moment where an ambulance was called when I nearly took my life. I’m ashamed of it. I’ve somehow managed to keep working, I work from home. Fuck knows how. Had some ok days and some laughs with friends.

But oh my fucking god I am not coping with Christmas. I feel distraught. People sharing homemade advent calendars they’ve made each other, families cosy in their decorated homes. I know I shouldn’t watch but without social media it’s even more isolating at the moment and that doesn’t change the direct messages I get in text or WhatsApp of people sending me these things. It’s also depicted in every advert, in every shop, in songs on the radio. Our street had a light up evening last Friday night and everyone was supposed to come to their doors and cheer. I couldn’t face it. I am struggling. I’m in therapy but no amount of therapy is going to remove this horrible pain. I don’t know if I can face this year alone. All I’ve ever wanted is a home with a family and I’m too old now. Family alone is not an option for me. How many years with I have to do this. I’m afraid and sad.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

IME the people who post the smuggest images on social media are the ones with the most to prove. Going by my own SM, there's a bereaved wife, a friend who's DH left her for a mum at the school gates, a friend who moved to a small village and is struggling to make it work. It's as if they're very keen to let everyone know (or think) that everything is JUST FINE.

In your case I think taking little steps to be more positive is a very good way to move forward, and you can really build on this and get your confidence back.

I tend to spend most of my time (if I'm on my phone or laptop) on either YouTube, online news sites, Netflix or Mumsnet in the main. I find Instagram and especially Facebook a little boring now as the friends I like to keep up with I'm in touch with regularly anyway. So my advice would be perhaps for you to do the same.

Op - it's so hard. I think your feelings have been enhanced by this horrible bizarre year but what you've been dealt is not nice or easy - you had your future derailed by another person's decision. Now you feel like you've been left with nothing whilst he got everything he wanted. But nothing that starts that way is typically smooth sailing, you only have his imagined life running through your mind.

I have the big tree and all of that but my kids will be going to their Dad's for chistmas with his partner (OW) and her family. I'll be looking at my fab Instagram tree alone. So many people find this time of year difficult and easy to feel like everyone else is having a perfect time. They really aren't (I know so many people with family issues at this time, feel utterly oveewhelmed and don't enjoy it or are just very lonely) and the projection on SM only shows part of the picture.

36 may feel old to you but it isn't. Many people have to start again later on in life and many just get going. You never know what the future holds but you do have a future. No feeling is final.

Try and plan in a few things, not neccassarily on Xmas day itself but that really helps to to have something to look forward to. Treat yourself, find something you find comforting or indulgent and try and get some small joy.

Hi OP, I am a mum of 3 boys. First conceived at aged 40! Met my husband online through a dating website - not tinder haha! E-harmony. Your ex was willing to try to conceive after 4 years together but not to get married to you. Don't make that mistake again. Online (grown up) dating means you both know where you want to be heading, so if it does work out there's a bit of clarity.
You're young babe, and I bet you're gorgeous too. Get to that hairdressers after lockdown and do something drastic. Then get online and make it a Friday night thing. Good luck OP xx

I really feel for you, OP. I was in your position last Christmas and I'd never felt loneliness like it. I can only imagine how much worse it is for you this year due to the pandemic. Things changed for me very early in the new year and they will change for you too. I know it feels totally hopeless, but there will be better days. For Christmas can you plan a day full of things you enjoy, maybe steer away from Christmassy things. Just go easy on yourself. Thinking of you!

I had my first baby at 38 and the second at 42. Although you feel as if time has run out that is so not the case...

Things can change so quickly in a positive way. x

Op I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I want to tell you about two people in my life who were both in a similar position to you. One went on to marry in her mid-fifties (first time for both of them) and is blissfully happy. The other, now in her mid-fifties, has built up an incredible life as a single person, she travels with her hobby, she is more involved in various community projects than I will ever be, has hugely close friendships with a huge variety of people from all spheres of life, and although she had two serious relationships in her forties and early fifties, one of which resulted in a marriage proposal, she has decided she doesn't want to live with a man again and is happy as she is

You will have all what you want, perhaps not this year, be patient, you will have a happy family. This is not permanent, do not despair. Try to enjoy Christmas with the people who love you, your ex was not worthy.

Stop looking at social media, it is not always what it looks like. Find some positives in your life and look after you. Life will get better for you

We were about to start ttc (has very early miscarriage) and he suddenly announced that I wasn’t right for him, huge criticism of me and I later realised he’d met someone at work. He’s now living with her and they’re having a baby in May.

Been there, got the Tshirt. Now look back and think I had a VERY lucky escape.

But you poor thing. I want to give you a big hug.

For various reasons, I'll be alone at Christmas, but on Zoom with family. They're all overseas, and normally I travel for most of the second half of December.

I am secretly really looking forward to 3 days of hibernation.

I've heard of another friend in the same town whose late teenaged DD has decided to go to her boyfriend's for CHristmas & my friend is upset she'll be alone, so I'll probably suggest we do a 'Christmas bubble' for a day or two, but actually, I'm looking forward to 3 days of snoozing eating chocolate and watching trash television . My job is incredibly full on, and I have a huge deadline in mid-January, so no real holiday for me except Christmas Eve to Boxing Day.

But that's me - I hope you find something to keep you going, and enjoy yourself.

It is REALLY tough for single people at the moment - and I don't mean those living alone with a partner elsewhere. I think single people of working age have been overlooked in these current circumstances.

HUG HUG

I know I might get slaughtered for this op but if I were you I'd get a dog. They're brilliant for both mental and physical health and so cuddly.

Is there a MN zoom group at all for Christmas?

You are just 36 (I had my kids at 37 and 41 after miscarriage), you are free of an utter fool, and you can now do what you want to do with your life. I think when you look back, you'll see that though this Christmas was horrible, it was a turning point in your life for much better times ahead. You'll also be really glad that you avoided settling down with him. Start by deciding how you really want things to be and go from there.

If you could hook up with people in a similar situation (there are loads!!!) you could have a good old moan fest at Christmas, eat dinner together, have a bit of a laugh with others who really do know how you feel and would benefit as much as you do?

Are you on Twitter, OP? I find it reflects a more ‘warts and all’ view of life. People share their nice bits but also the more difficult stuff. Are you in the U.K.?

The heartbreak, the history, the stuff you think of as baggage...it's all part of you. The Japanese have a practice called Kintsugi where when a bowl or vase is broken they repair it but instead of blending in/hiding the cracks they paint the cracks gold and make them part of the beauty of the object. I think there's something in that - your "baggage" is what makes you special as much as any other part of you. It's not the problem, the barrier to being happy... understanding and accepting it as part of you is how you'll be happy. And re social media - remember you are comparing your insides with other peoples' outsides so it's not like for like. I found that really helpful when getting sucked into thinking everyone else's life looks amazing. Sending love x

Op I’m so sorry to read this.

I’m 5 years behind you age wise but feel like a similar position - single, have been for ages, 2020 doesn’t help and nor does the fact that my profession is 99% women (or at least it seems). Online dating isn’t easy when you have less confidence like me and have to wade through the awful ones who knock you down. And it’s not for lack of trying either that we find ourselves alone. You have my full sympathy and empathy, im right with you and sometimes it seems like there’s nothing left at the end of the tunnel. I look at everyone’s SM posts with all their family pictures in matching PJs and taking their children out on magical Christmas adventures and I think to myself how much I want a family.

But I also realise that for a lot of them it’s not picture perfect at all. Zooming with a couple of friends this week, one of them said she wouldn’t be that fussed if her marriage breaks because she has her little girl. I didn’t know how to take that - she admits she settled. I don’t think there’s such thing as a perfect other half, but I wouldn’t want to be stuck in that situation either.

I’m so sorry OP, I really hope you are seeking help. What you have been through is horrible.

I don’t think 37 is too late for anything but I understand it feels it. How are your family? I know how hard it is to feel happy for people all the time (I’ve had two friends announce pregnancies this month). I think you need to surround yourself with people who love you at Christmas if you can. As hard as it is, I really hope you can talk to someone in your family and just let it out.

I also think next year you should take time for yourself. I’ve already (possibly in vain at the moment) booked a holiday for just me. Doing exactly what I want to do. It’s something to plan and look forward to. Take time for you. And remember you only love once - you deserve this life and not being married with children etc doesn’t make us any less even when it feels like it.

I’ve also gone a bit madder than normal with my Xmas decor and have been making masses of ginger bread men etc to gift at work just to spread some cheer in what’s been such a horrible year. Invest in what makes YOU happy.

Big hugs to you OP

Hello. I want to emphasise and ask you to think about the future. Back in 2015 I left my husband in october and christmas just seemed like a terrible black hole. I was still adjusting to my new life and having to spend Christmas with my family and sister and her kids. So yet again another failure.

And I was 36.

Not one of my fav Christmas but survived and got back to London to see friends.

I feel very lucky that the following year I met someone really nice who I love to pieces. The following Christmas we were still apart but preparing to move in together and ttc. We now have a son and another on the way.

So get through this year and then in jan starting planning how you get what you want from life!

Do not lose hope.

This time last year I was single, still in emotional pain over a miscarriage I had with ex partner a couple of years prior.

I was 29 and convinced I would never meet anyone, due to the complete lack of decent single men left. I had decided that age 30/31 I would become a single parent by choice and had started saving money for that.

Well best laid plans and all that... Come January 2020 I went on a random date with someone just because I fancied him a lot and nothing more. Both of us were not looking for a relationship, but knew it was 'it' from the first date.

I now have two beautiful step sons, and we are moving in next year and TTC back end of next year.

I want to state that I am absolutely NOT lucky in love, so if this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. A lot can change in a matter of months.

Keep making positive changes for YOU, and things will fall into place, even if it's not what you originally 'planned'.

I was trying to think of someone I know that's in a similar position you and actually the nearest of me sister, yet she was an obvious choice as she's so positive.

In the last decade her husband has died and she's had cancer twice and the treatment rendered her infertile. Then two years ago she was made redundant from a role just as her career was really starting to take off, at almost the same time as being asked to move out of the dream home they'd been renting for years. Then having to pay a whole years rent in advance for her next home because she was between jobs and her partner was self-employed.

Throughput all this she's been unbelievably positive and inspiring and the most amazing aunt to my DCs. And after two years of going it on her own, she's finally now becoming successful in her own right.

Gosh sorry for the typos - typing in strong sunlight!

I rarely post here but thought I would chip in.

Met my DP when I was 39, had DS at 40, and DD at 42. Had given up on men and children.

You never know how your life can (and will) turn around. Just when you leat expect it, just what you least expect ( as the Pet Shop boys once said) and they were right!

So sorry for your pain OP, it is completely normal to feel so sad and alone. Anyone with a heart, anyone decent, would understand and want to support you however they could. Just wanted to be another one saying I met the father of my kid at 37 and had baby at 38 so it is totally possible. We are not together now but have a great close co-parenting relationship. And I know a few other people who had babies at 39/40 with then-newish partners that they are still with. Hugs

@KenDodd

I know I might get slaughtered for this op but if I were you I'd get a dog. They're brilliant for both mental and physical health and so cuddly.

I was actually going to suggest this, assuming it fits in with your lifestyle. If not a dog, another animal, either a cat, or rabbit or guinea pig etc. Animals are great company, especially at the moment when physical contact with other people is needed. They are also good at providing that unconditional love that is held up as an ideal in romantic relationships but is very very rare in reality (at least dogs do, guinea pigs and cats will love you if you feed them). Also, once the pandemic allows, look to solidifying or making new female friendship groups. I think it is a lot easier to find what you need from friends/family than one person you are in a relationship anyway. I realised that a lot of the things I always wanted from a man (thoughtful presents, small gestures, support) were already available from my female friends and family.

So nice to hear of the poster who said at 37 they were happily with someone. I was 36 last week and it sort of pushed me further into this state of loneliness.

I was 35 when I met my DP. Im now 37 and we're expecting our first baby in March, don't give up hope

Christmas really is the loneliest time when you're single. I completely understand. But - please remember, social media just isn't a true reflection of life. People only post their best bits the majority of the time. Don't compare your life to theirs. You sound lovely. Your best times are yet to come I'm sure of it

I can't add much to what everyone has said - my own story is that I also felt absolutely despairing at points in my life. I used to sob on the way home on the bus at the thought of another dinner I had to cook and eat solo in my apartment.
But - life changes in a moment - I met my now-husband at 36, married at 37, and had my beautiful baby girl in December 2019!

I would also say, sometimes changing your place can change your luck - maybe post-covid think of working somewhere new/moving abroad temporarily, or something similar. I was living in one city abroad for over a decade and nothing happened relationship-wise at all. It wasn't until I moved back to the UK (and in with my parents at 35 years of age no less!) that things changed for me.

I can't offer advice about Xmas as its not a holiday I celebrate but I wish you a brighter new year and that all your wishes come true.