Feeling punched in the stomach about Christmas

[Lettersjy]

Wasn’t sure where to post. I’m single and have begun to struggle massively the last few weeks. I can go days without seeing anyone other than the supermarket staff.

I broke up with my DP of 4 years in February. We were about to start ttc (has very early miscarriage) and he suddenly announced that I wasn’t right for him, huge criticism of me and I later realised he’d met someone at work. He’s now living with her and they’re having a baby in May.

So far this year I’ve plodded on, had one low moment where an ambulance was called when I nearly took my life. I’m ashamed of it. I’ve somehow managed to keep working, I work from home. Fuck knows how. Had some ok days and some laughs with friends.

But oh my fucking god I am not coping with Christmas. I feel distraught. People sharing homemade advent calendars they’ve made each other, families cosy in their decorated homes. I know I shouldn’t watch but without social media it’s even more isolating at the moment and that doesn’t change the direct messages I get in text or WhatsApp of people sending me these things. It’s also depicted in every advert, in every shop, in songs on the radio. Our street had a light up evening last Friday night and everyone was supposed to come to their doors and cheer. I couldn’t face it. I am struggling. I’m in therapy but no amount of therapy is going to remove this horrible pain. I don’t know if I can face this year alone. All I’ve ever wanted is a home with a family and I’m too old now. Family alone is not an option for me. How many years with I have to do this. I’m afraid and sad.

Opps posted too soon
... to keep her busy and doing something positive for others can have a dramatic effect on happiness levels

This sounds horrible for you OP and I’m so sorry for the awful year you’re having.

All I can say is that the happy family Christmas scenes that you see all over social media aren’t necessarily real. DP is thrilled to be spending Christmas with my family who he sees as this big fun loving bunch who live in a huge beautiful house and do lots of family activities together. He’s never stayed with them for more than one night before and what he doesn’t know is that by day 2 everyone will have fallen out and he’ll be desperate to go home again

I was calling the Samaritans this time last year I was total mental mess in a black hole where all I saw was horrible future , completely different now , doing joe wicks every day was in part responsible for my change as was a visit to the doctor who was kind and understanding
Please don't give Up hope and please don't harm yourself again, please think of what that would do to those who love you

Ignore Christmas as much as you can.

Regarding your XP, you are well rid. It might not feel like it now but you are. He's been with someone else presumably less than a year and there's already a baby on the way. He will probably have left her this time next year.

Stay off SM. Looking at him or her on Fakebook will only upset you.

Get yourself strong. You'll get through Christmas. Come on here if you need to have some 'human' company.

Hi, didn't want to read and run, but I just wanted to say I too have been in your position no Christmas cheer I'm knocking on 40 three kids their dad left me for someone else and I've just split with my partner of two years.
I'm happy though I have great friends and family and I would suggest maybe put yourself out there a bit more ring your friends suggest going out for a meal once lockdown is over mooch around the shops just because your single doesn't mean you can't have fun 🤩 it's about being brave and putting on your big girl pants. Social media is evil but I get what your saying about it's a life line in lockdown. I've been on and off fb more times that I've had hot dinners. Things can only get better have you thought about maybe getting a dog? They get you out and about too and exercise is a massive boost for mental health. Doesn't matter than others have had elf arrive last night or advent calendars if you wanted to you could get one!! It's all out positive mind set and you can do this!!!

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad op.

Christmas is the best time if you're happy but the worst if you're not.

I used to adore Christmas. So much so that I got married at Christmas. Unfortunately, I also discovered my husband's affair at Christmas 13 years later so now it is a painful time for me with the memories associated and having to share my children.

I try and put a big smile on and get into the 'festive spirit' for my kids sake and I think I do it well and I really would love to love this time of year again but it will be 3 years this year since we separated and although I have a lovely new boyfriend (16 months together), this is what I think about at this time every year still.

I also see the happy family posts on social media and then get the Facebook memories of my own happy memories and it hurts, but I am trying to push them to the bottom of the pile by creating new ones.

I don't really have any words of advice other than to remember it's temporary (Christmas, that is) and soon enough it will be January and everyone will be skint, fed up of each other and all in the same boat!

When A Christmas ad comes on the tv, turn it over. When a Christmas song comes on the radio, turn it over if it's painful. I think this year people are going more 'mad' for Christmas due to the crap year we've had so it's amplified, which sucks for people like us.

Big hugs OP, this is an utterly awful time for you but it will pass. Allow yourself to feel sad, lonely, whatever but know that like everything else this time will pass.

I met my DP at 38, we have a beautiful daughter and three DSC. You don't know what the future holds.

You do know however that the OW is now living with a man and about to have a baby with a man who can cheat and lie and who makes foolhardy decisions.

You also know that there is a lot more going on behind those SM photos your friends are all sharing.

I know it's tough though and I don't wanna minimise. I didn't have an identical situation but I had my lonely years where it was nothing but surgeries and bad news while my friends got engaged, got married, had babies.

I would also consider fostering, lone parenting. Don't wait for life to start, it's here now.

2020 was an all round rubbish year. All you have to do is get through it.

Like you, I found myself mid 30s and no partner, and the personal life I expected had not materialised.

Unlike where you are currently, I already had the mindset that I needed to make my own positivism and make plans for me as a single person.

I was lucky that I'd already travelled extensively and really enjoyed my life to that point. I so wanted to be a mother and decided that I would pursue this alone.

This took me 3 years to achieve, but genuinely was the best decision of my life.

Though you're not in that place right now, please don't discount anything yet. You're in charge of your destiny!

Also, just to add that a close friend of mine was in your position - mid-late 30's with no partner or kids (but desperately wanted both). While most of her friends were getting married and having babies, she decided to go abroad for a year to work (not Europe or anywhere like that but Africa) and had such a great experience.

She tried internet dating for years with little success (but quite a lot of fun!) and had just got to a point where she was seriously considering relocating and having a child on her own when she met a man at a work conference, completely out of the blue.

He already had kids and didn't want any more so she decided that the relationship without kids was a better option for her than the kids without this relationship and they now live together and she has a really good step-parent relationship with his children.

She didn't get everything she dreamed of and had to make big compromises but then I can't say I've got everything I dreamed of now either. I don't know than many honestly can. The point is she is very happy but it took a long time for her her to get there.

I'm so sorry to hear this. It wasn't exactly the same but I broke up with a long term partner around this time last year and Christmas was unbearable being alone in my flat (I can imagine with covid isolation its even worse) but....THIS WILL PASS.
I know it sounds corny to say it, but know that it will.

If you can (and don't beat yourself up about it or put pressure on yourself) but whenever you get a little bit of energy, channel that energy into YOU. Fall in love with yourself. Look after yourself as if you were the most precious child ever that you love with all your heart. You deserve it and you might be amazed with what you uncover and learn about yourself.

When this does pass, and it will, come out stronger and better.

You will be ok OP. This has been an awful year for you. What you need to sort out is your mental health. Then you can start to think about meeting someone new- and a family is totally within your reach. You are not too old at all! I met DH in my mid-30s. He was a single dad who had taken years to get over his wife leaving him. I was sad and single and hated Christmas. We are now a happy family- 1 DSC, 1 DD and one on the way.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. At your age my mum had just died, my dad had immediately moved another woman into my dm's space, my partner of 8 years had dumped me although we were ttc'ing, there were health complications and mistrust and lying, I'd had the year from hell. I had a Christmas totally alone, bought a chicken ready meal for one at M&S late on Christmas Eve and a box of mince pies. I won't lie, it was grim.

I promise you though my lovely, this is the low point, and it'll be upwards from here. 36 is young. My life totally turned around from 38 - please just bear with it. Good things you can't really imagine happening right now will happen to you. Do something (soup kitchen? Covid permitting?) to help people or to reach out and this will be the Christmas which taught you to appreciate fully all the lovely Christmases that will come after it. When we're old we look back even on the bad times and can mostly be thankful that they made us into the person we are. It will pass.

@mcmooberry

You poor thing, that is awful about your ex-DP you have my utmost sympathy. When I split up with my DP of 13 years aged 36 I spent the Christmas that followed with my mum just the 2 of us and it felt like I was in some kind of negative time warp. However, now I am glad I did that as maybe she would have been on her own if I hadn't been there so try and look forward to spending time with your family. This has to be the worst year ever to be single and heartbroken so you can be proud of yourself for actually keeping down a job through all that. This isn't your life forever even if it feels hopeless now. You have been in a 4 year relationship, you can accommodate someone into your life, you are half way there. This horrible time will be a distant memory one day, you absolutely can meet someone else and be happy some day soon. Try and speak to friends who understand the situation, my sister for example met her DH aged around 19 and has never known a minute of loneliness or heartbreak in her life so would not be who I would want to talk to.

That’s definitely how I feel, my younger sibling (30) met at 18 and has quite literally never felt pain like this or can really imagine what loneliness feels like. Sometimes they refer to this 6 month time when they lived away from their partner for work...I have to try and keep my mouth shut as quite clearly that is not the same as being single and lonely. It’s so nice to see this written by someone else who recognises it. Thank you.

You CAN do this. Think of how quickly this year has flown by, this month will also fly by. Stop with the social media rubbish, best thing to do is just ignore the whole Xmas period.

@mcmooberry

Having seen your update with your age, I then met my DH at 37 (online), got married at 39 and have 3 DCs so it definitely isn't too late for you.

Wow this is amazing to read. Last night I cried for about 2 hours thinking I would never have one let alone three. Your family sounds wonderful.

@MikeUniformMike

Ignore Christmas as much as you can.

Regarding your XP, you are well rid. It might not feel like it now but you are. He's been with someone else presumably less than a year and there's already a baby on the way. He will probably have left her this time next year.

Stay off SM. Looking at him or her on Fakebook will only upset you.

Get yourself strong. You'll get through Christmas. Come on here if you need to have some 'human' company.

I’m not sure if they were seeing each other before. Probably they were. It’s irrelevant really. It is difficult imagining them in absolute bliss with new child and a future together. I know it doesn’t help to dwell but it is very hard not to sometimes. I’m trying so hard to keep it together.

Oh bless you. Anyone would be feeling rubbish after all that you have had to put up with. Honestly you are by no means too old to have the life you want. I had my last birth child at 36, then went on to foster and adopted my son aged 50. Dont give up hope please.
My advice would be not to shut yourself away because any interaction makes things that little bit better. Even greeting neighbours . And see your family over Christmas if you can . It really will make you feel a little better even if you don't believe it now.

I feel so for you having had your life destroyed and having to watch your ex living the life you wanted to have with him. It is v cruel and you don't deserve it. I really hope things look up for you soon x

Its really hard. I feel like for women there's this period of 7-10 years where we're expected to get married, have a family, buy a house - any earlier and we're being irresponsible, any later and it might not be possible. Its so much pressure and when you're on that path and it falls apart its easy to feel that was your chance and its gone now. Its not true.

As others have said, I know of many examples of people who met late partners late and had families late. My cousin had her kids at 42 and 45, though I do think she's a bit of an outlier. The simple fact is, even if it doesn't quite work out according to the 'dream' plan - meet someone, have a bit wedding, have your own biological children, in a very specific timeframe - it doesn't rule out achieving your own happy family. A lovely family member was single in her early forties, had an active social life, was a member of a sports club, good career and friends but hadn't met anyone. She decided to sell up, move rurally near where she was from, and open a holiday business. Within a couple of years she met someone who was divorced with 50/50 custody, she has been a loving step mother, in their teens the children ended up living with them full-time, she is a very involved auntie, her home is full of children and warmth and friends at Christmas. She may not have the biological children but she is very very happy.

There's a pathway to happiness whatever form it takes but that isn't to undervalue how shit the situation you are in now is. I think you just need to do what you can to get through it, especially Christmas: a year is a sensible minimum recovery time from a serious relationship. Get to that landmark and then do some thinking about what changes you might like to make. But be as kind to yourself as you can until then.

You know the people you see on saying media with their happy families and perfectly decorated houses trust me it’s not like that all the time. Half the time it’s just for the one perfect Instagram picture and then it’s back to normal.

I hate Christmas myself this year as I’m also newly single and wondering if I’ll ever get my family. Please don’t worry about ages. My mum was 42 when she had me and still the best I could ask for. The right person will come when you least expect it but you need to make sure you are whole again otherwise your insecurities will bubble up.

@Applesonthelawn

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. At your age my mum had just died, my dad had immediately moved another woman into my dm's space, my partner of 8 years had dumped me although we were ttc'ing, there were health complications and mistrust and lying, I'd had the year from hell. I had a Christmas totally alone, bought a chicken ready meal for one at M&S late on Christmas Eve and a box of mince pies. I won't lie, it was grim. I promise you though my lovely, this is the low point, and it'll be upwards from here. 36 is young. My life totally turned around from 38 - please just bear with it. Good things you can't really imagine happening right now will happen to you. Do something (soup kitchen? Covid permitting?) to help people or to reach out and this will be the Christmas which taught you to appreciate fully all the lovely Christmases that will come after it. When we're old we look back even on the bad times and can mostly be thankful that they made us into the person we are. It will pass.

Thank you so much. That’s exactly how it feels, I cannot envisage it being different. I can’t for one moment imagine feeling in love or loved. In the past I have been able to at least hope for a have in my heart a feeling of love being out there, of maybe meeting someone else. Now though, no matter what I do, what films I watch or books I read, anything related to all that leaves me very detached. I can’t relate to it and nor can I picture it as perhaps happening in the future. It is just this icy cold feeling where I can enjoy the film or book, and even reading some lovely posts here where it worked out for them...but there’s like this block now where I honestly can’t even begin to feel even a tingle of possibility of that for me. It’s like that part of my life is just black and will never be different. After all other breaks ups I still had hope. I don’t anymore and I feel so incredibly old.

I wrote a post last night.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4094618-I-think-my-mother-might-be-a-narcissistic

On one hand I'm not alone this Christmas because I do have family on the other hand with a toxic family dynamic I'm very alone.

I would rather be alone than put up with this abuse.

@CharlotteRose90

You know the people you see on saying media with their happy families and perfectly decorated houses trust me it’s not like that all the time. Half the time it’s just for the one perfect Instagram picture and then it’s back to normal.

I hate Christmas myself this year as I’m also newly single and wondering if I’ll ever get my family. Please don’t worry about ages. My mum was 42 when she had me and still the best I could ask for. The right person will come when you least expect it but you need to make sure you are whole again otherwise your insecurities will bubble up.

Thats the problem I don’t think I ever will be whole, I will always feel battered by this. It is just part of my life now, this sadness. Even if I move past it, it’s happened and how will a future partner ever feel anything for me, it’s like I am damaged goods. I’ve had significant heartbreak and hurt l, I can’t undo that now.

As others have said life can completely turn around at any point so please be hopeful that things will get better.

As another poster had suggested Joe Wicks is great for making you feel better. It can be hard forcing yourself to exercise but it will be the best thing you can do.

Would some company in the form of a pet help? When I was on my own having a fur ball to go home to and keep me company was fantastic and made a big difference to my mental health. There are lots of lovely cats in rescues that would make excellent company and keep you on your toes.

@Lettersjy I had four children between the ages of 36 and 41 you are definitely not to old to have a family.

With regards to the social media stuff,, I was that person posting happy-family pictures. As far as I was concerned we were happy, but what I didn't know is that my beloved husband and father of my kids was having an affair. When those 'memories' pop up now it feels like a double edged sword as I feel stupid for thinking we were happy and for knowing now that he was cheating on me at that point of me posting my happiness to the world. Even worse is that he was still posting 'happy' posts and pictures with me and our kids in too.

So yeah, take all of that with a pinch of salt. I am a lot more sceptical these days with SM.