Feeling punched in the stomach about Christmas

[Lettersjy]

Wasn’t sure where to post. I’m single and have begun to struggle massively the last few weeks. I can go days without seeing anyone other than the supermarket staff.

I broke up with my DP of 4 years in February. We were about to start ttc (has very early miscarriage) and he suddenly announced that I wasn’t right for him, huge criticism of me and I later realised he’d met someone at work. He’s now living with her and they’re having a baby in May.

So far this year I’ve plodded on, had one low moment where an ambulance was called when I nearly took my life. I’m ashamed of it. I’ve somehow managed to keep working, I work from home. Fuck knows how. Had some ok days and some laughs with friends.

But oh my fucking god I am not coping with Christmas. I feel distraught. People sharing homemade advent calendars they’ve made each other, families cosy in their decorated homes. I know I shouldn’t watch but without social media it’s even more isolating at the moment and that doesn’t change the direct messages I get in text or WhatsApp of people sending me these things. It’s also depicted in every advert, in every shop, in songs on the radio. Our street had a light up evening last Friday night and everyone was supposed to come to their doors and cheer. I couldn’t face it. I am struggling. I’m in therapy but no amount of therapy is going to remove this horrible pain. I don’t know if I can face this year alone. All I’ve ever wanted is a home with a family and I’m too old now. Family alone is not an option for me. How many years with I have to do this. I’m afraid and sad.

@tinyvulture

Oh OP, life can be so BRUTAL. But you sound such a lovely person - it somehow shines through your posts. You definitely can and will meet someone else. If that is what you want.

My last breakup totally floored me. If I it hadn’t been for my mom and a few good friends, I am not sure I would even be here any longer. But at 42, I have met somebody else so totally lovely. On Tinder of all places! Feels much more right for me than any of the others were. Who knows, may even try for a child with him if it all works out.....

Just keep on keeping on, and accessing all the support you can. This too will pass.

And fuck social media. I know loads of people who post about their great relationships on there when in truth their marriages are in tatters......

Thank you for posting @tinyvulture that is nice to read

@AliasGrape

Oh lovely, it’s so so shit and hard and I’m so so sorry.

My ex of many years called our imminent wedding off saying he’d had second thoughts and it later transpired he’d actually been shagging a younger woman at work and had gotten her pregnant. We’d also had losses and I desperately wanted to be a mum. I remember the searing hot pain of lying in bed alone and knowing he was getting his happy ever after with someone else whilst I was left with nothing and having to start all over again, terrified it was too late for me. And the misery of the first Christmas afterwards.

I also have some crappy associations and find Christmas very hard as it’s when my mum died.

I know this sounds like a glib suggestion and it’s really not meant to be but - I got a dog. Genuinely be mended my broken heart and it’s not over dramatic to say some days he was the only reason I got up in the morning. I don’t know if that’s an option for you or even something you’re interested in, but just throwing it out there.

It’s doubly hard for you because you’re dealing with this through this shitshow of a year, can’t even do what I did and plan/go on as many trips as possible. You are doing so so well to even hold down your job and keep going. This is not how it ends for you I promise, this too will pass. I kept telling myself ‘it will be alright in the end, if it’s not alright it’s not the end’. You loved your ex honestly and with an open heart - you’ve proved you have the capacity for a good, decent relationship - it’s not on you that he shat all over that. He’s not a good person, and his new relationship will always have started in a shitty, deceitful way and that’s something neither of them will be able to get away from.

For what it’s worth, I met my now DH at 35, nearly 36. I knew in my soul he was a good one, we started ttc pretty quickly and it wasn’t a straightforward path but we have our beautiful baby now and she makes absolutely everything that went before worth it. It’s absolutely not too late for you to get the ending you hope for.

@AliasGrape how did you know he was a good one? I don’t think I will ever ever feel that way about any man in my life again. I can’t picture it at all anymore, it seems like an alien concept that only others get to experience.

@MacbookHo

I worry so much that nobody will want me now, I’m different to who I was.

You’re probably better now. Choose to see yourself as better. I’m a better person now for everything I went through - so much more empathetic and kind. Maybe we’re both less naive, but is that so bad? I don’t think so. If you look at the world’s most famous and successful people, their lives often contained tragedy early on.

II hope in time I wil feel ok, better, but I am still changed by it. I don’t feel like anyone will want the bruised and healed me. It will be a new version of who I once was.

I saw a quote on Instagram earlier and thought of you: “There’s nobody stronger than a broken woman who has healed herself.” Write that down. Keep it on your phone. Read it every day. It is true.

I liked who I was. This person is now someone who has suffered deep hurt and loss and depression.

The person you are right now is not the person you’ll be at the end of this. You’re currently 3/4 of the way through your grieving and healing. This is not the final you.

When I got divorced and it was all the black void, a quote (can you tell I like quotes 😆) really helped me: “When you’re going through Hell, keep going.” It’s apparently by Churchill. I LOVE that quote.

Keep going! This is not the end! This you is not the ultimate final you. You’ll come out if this differently, but you’ll be better. Even more lovable. I promise.

@MacbookHo thank you for this. These quotes are brilliant. I think you also mentioned anti depressants, I have been offered them yes. The thing is i don’t really feel that depressed anyone, just totally and utterly cold to the world, like I will never really engage with it again other than on its surface with work and brushing teeth and sleeping. I can’t image feeling anything other than a mixture of sadness and numbness.

I get it. You've had a really rough time with a pandemic on top of it. I think you need time and to be kind to yourself. Your ex can crack on. He sounds ridiculous.

@Lettersjy how did you know he was a good one? I don’t think I will ever ever feel that way about any man in my life again. I can’t picture it at all anymore, it seems like an alien concept that only others get to experience

I can relate to that, I was fairly sure I’d never trust anyone fully again. I just remember feeling from really early on that I’d trust him with my life. It honestly surprised me.

I hate the whole ‘I just knew’ thing even as I’m saying it! I’m not saying he’s a fairytale prince, he can be annoying as hell and we have our moments, but he never once messed me around, was always clear about what he wanted (which was a proper relationship and a family, like me), never played any games, always follows through on what he says he’s going to do.

I know what you mean about feeling changed. I think between that breakup and loosing my mum I aged about a hundred years, and I definitely hated the way it hardened me a bit and I felt quite brittle and cynical compared to how I’d been before. That didn’t last, I got back to really liking who I was and so will you xx

Op your reaction is human and normal
It’s a very reasonable reaction to the year you have had
Just don’t give up , don’t lose hope
And if you need some mental health support to get you through this take it
It reads like you have situational depression

I just can’t picture a happy future anymore. In the past with break ups I would still have that sense that maybe a love was out there somewhere. I would have that idea that I could picture, might even consider someone attractive at work. I seem to be totally and utterly numb to everything now and I can’t imagine opening my heart to anyone or anyone opening their heart to me. It doesn’t seem possible.

Can you go and see a friend or family member - or the therapist - now in advance of Christmas (for mental health reasons) and go cry and rage with them (you don't have to be OK just yet). Let them help you process these feelings.

@ScrapThatThen I do have therapy and some friends I could talk to but nobody really gets it properly, they are all settled down. I just honestly feel things will not change and I don’t have any picture in my mind where it could all be ok. The brief few weeks I went online dating showed me there was nobody out there.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low.

For what it’s worth the same happened to me at 38/39. I thought I’d go mad. Like you, I wanted a child and a family. He told me he and the other woman were expecting a baby. Once the grief had died down a bit, I happened to meet someone amazing (and BETTER), married him, had a baby. There is hope. But this is all fresh and new and painful. You still have time.

@Bilingualspingual how did you manage to forget the ex and most importantly stop idealising what he had? How did you meet your DH?

DH1 didn’t want me to forget him - he hated me thinking bad of him (he cheated under my nose) and kept pestering me (despite being with OW) and I started to find him pathetic. I read a lot of self help books. I didn’t want someone who didn’t want me and he didn’t want me, he just didn’t want me to dislike him.

I met my husband quite randomly through mutual friends after several fairly disastrous online dates/flings. I ‘worked’ on myself a bit (I know, what a wanker) and I honestly think I was ready for him. He’s very stable, wanted a relationship with me and this made me realise what had been lacking in my previous relationship and why it didn’t work out. I probably used to think stable was boring and went for flighty, problematic (self obsessed) romantic types. So if I’d met him when I was younger I could have rejected him.

Sorry I’m never very articulate on MN! Give yourself a chance and a bit of time. It’s particularly dreadful timing to be left - I wasn’t living through a pandemic and could go out and about. Also I would say avoid your ex as much as possible while you heal.

The thing is i don’t really feel that depressed anyone, just totally and utterly cold to the world, like I will never really engage with it again other than on its surface with work and brushing teeth and sleeping. I can’t image feeling anything other than a mixture of sadness and numbness.

That’s a perfect description of depression. There are quizzes that reveal if you’re depressed (I’ve done them before therapy sessions) and they focus on things like, “do you no longer take pleasure in things you used to enjoy”.

Here’s one you can do. It’s only 10 questions so won’t take long. I’ve pasted the link below.

One other thing about antidepressants— they work brilliantly to cure infatuation, romantic obsession, or just feeling madly in love. When you’re in love your serotonin naturally drops, giving you that constantly distracted feeling. ADs boost your levels of serotonin so those feelings fade.

Quiz: patient.info/news-and-features/quiz-am-i-depressed

Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? Have you considered a course of antidepressants?
Did you ever have a period of depression in your life previously, because if you had, there can be a likelihood that a major event like a break-up can trigger a bout of depression.
If you are feeling very bleak, that you are very 'separate' or like you are a different species from other people and cannot emotionally connect to them, and it seems this feeling has taken up residence, then you could have depression which is treatable.
This sadness is not part of your life forever - you will move past this.
It's just very hard to believe that when you are 'in' the feeling.
The sun will shine for you again, it really will, but speak to your GP about how you have been feeling.

I agree
It sounds like a very horrible but human bout of depression
Consider medication to get you normalised
Covid isolation , Xmas and working won’t help either
Wishing you well