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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Me and my partner had a really big argument? Now what

124 replies

Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 15:16

Hi everyone.
I was getting ready to go out and take baby to his mums to visit (at a distance) I needed my partner to have the baby while I got ready, otherwise itd take 3x as long. He has a history of complaining when he has her, always tells me to hurry up and that. I came down after 3 mins to put a little bit of makeup on and get going. He then goes "how long will will you be" with a face like a slapped arse. I flipped. I was going on about why he always complains, does he not want to be with her etc. He put her in the walker and decided to put his head phones on and turn back round to his game and goes "I'm not haveing her anymore" like he was doing me a favour and because ive annoyed him, he no longer will. He has a big habit of this too, always tells me to shut up reapeatdely if I voice an issue, ignoring me etc so this made me more angry, i tell him that he will have her and I wont put up with the complaining, its unfair. He continues to ignore me so I unplug his playstation and take it in to living roo. (maybe not the smartest move) he walks away and goes now I'm defo not haveing her. I said over again, can u just have her so I can get ready.. I need to go to another room and dont want to leave her there. He continues to say no so I start yelling more. (I put baby in her cot so shes safe) I go to him and hes on his phone, i flip whilst yelling. I grab his ps4 (again BAD MOVE off mine ) and drop it on the floor, no force just enough to get his attention. He flips and comes at me, I'm basically on the floor and hes just grabbing me, lifted me in the air and dropping me etc I was physically hurt as a kid so rather than backing down I fought back, rather than crying and saying stop I laugh. It's a natural reaction to things that make me uncomfortable, I do it with everything... i just smile and laugh. I'm not excusing my self for trying to hit back but I can see why I might of added flames to the fire. I got on the bed and kicked him away.. he flips more because I'm doing this. After it all he kicks me really hard then goes to walk away, me being me I grab whats closest (a half opened can of coke) and thrown it at him along with some deodorant cans. I shouldnt of done this 🙃 he goes off again, tries bending my wrist backwards, goes for my my neck, face etc I feel fine, nothing really hurts accept where he kicked me so he definitely held back with his hits. He wants me to leave but I feel emotionless and no energy to pack, I'm literally like a statue. He says he never wants to see me again.

OP posts:
Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 15:19

Btw I know I pushed him at the beginning. I blew up after after all the complaints, lack of help, selfishness. I know I am just as much in the wrong as he is, I know the way I spoke to him was wrong. But I just dont know where to go from here.

OP posts:
Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 15:20

Should I just leave,

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 29/11/2020 15:23

You need to leave full stop, and you both need to learn how to manage your tempers.

Sheena99 · 29/11/2020 15:23

Yes, I think so. It's turned physical, you need to leave at least for now, you both need to calm down and think about what's happened. It would be a game changer for me, but you at least need to remove yourself from the immediate situation.

Bookworming · 29/11/2020 15:23

This relationship needs to end now, it's totally toxic and your poor child is going to witness this.

Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 15:24

Yes I agree with that, things should of never gotten that bad and I never should've pushed him

OP posts:
HopeAndDriftWood · 29/11/2020 15:24

Yes, you need to leave. There’s no coming back from this level of violence. It will only go downhill from here.

Have you got somewhere to go?

PickAChew · 29/11/2020 15:24

Your poor baby.

Ilikewinter · 29/11/2020 15:25

Yes you need to leave. This relationship is toxic for both of you.

SenorFrog · 29/11/2020 15:27

Hi oh didn't have a really big argument, you were violent towards each other.

Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 15:27

Yea my poor girl, I've been there and know how damaging arguments can be so thats the least I want for her. I've given her lots of cuddles, a treat and put bing on for her. She was crying, I dont want that for her again

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 29/11/2020 15:29

This isn't a healthy environment for any of you, but especially your daughter.

This isn't what a good relationship should be like - him refusing to take any responsibility for his own DD and you smashing up his stuff to get a reaction, with him them hitting you and you throwing things at him. Itsbad. Very bad.

You need to separate. Prepare for him to have minimal interest in contact with your daughter, OP. He will have to pay child support, though. Does he work full time?

user1825894133270 · 29/11/2020 15:30

This relationship should be over right now. No excuses. Over. Immediately.

He assaulted you. Fighting back to defend yourself is not something to blame yourself for. He assaulted you. That's unforgivable.

You breaking his stuff is not ok, but no excuse to violently attack you.

Even babies are damaged by living in violent, abusive homes like this.

Holy shit.

user1825894133270 · 29/11/2020 15:31

That wasn't an argument, that was a violent attack.

Viviennemary · 29/11/2020 15:32

You both sound pretty difficult to live with. It just isn't working.

Maze76 · 29/11/2020 15:33

He’s a horrible excuse for a man and an even worse excuse of a father! He had the hump because you asked him to look after his daughter for 5 minutes?!! ... Did/ does he want to be or even like being a father? Is loving towards her? I think you have some serious thinking to do. You both acted appallingly and the situation could have ended up being so much worse. Do you want to take the risk of something similar happening in the future ? You are responsible for a life, you have to put her first and that means raising her in a safe loving environment, not one where she is looked upon by her father as an inconvenience.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 29/11/2020 15:36

I honestly don't think you understand the seriousness of what has happened here. Not your fault I'm sure as it sounds like you yourself have been exposed to violent childhood? BUT in all truth, if you don't get how bad this is (and a cuddle and Bing does not fix what you've both just done to your daughter) you are in trouble.

It cannot happen again and honestly your dd would be removed if SS were involved and you didn't do everything in your power to ensure she never witnessed that again. I don't think either of you could be considered the victim here. But either one of you (ideally both) will make sure you never get in that situation again.

Sparklfairy · 29/11/2020 15:36

You do not have to defend yourself here for fighting back. Somehow MN only seems to think it's domestic violence if you cower in a corner and take it Hmm

He escalated it. He was telling you "you can't make me do anything and ultimately I will hurt you if you don't accept this". You stood up to him and he ramped up to violence. You need to leave. You did nothing wrong.

LilyLongJohn · 29/11/2020 15:37

One of you needs to leave. Who's house is it, are you married, rented, joint mortgage etc?
If you can I'd leave with your dc and find somewhere else to live whilst you sort out the financials etc

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/11/2020 15:38

My ex was like this . .. especially when ds was tiny and I was most vulnerable, because he is a bully.
He tortured me mentally , just like this, it got worse and worse . Stole thousands of pounds off me and threatened to throw me and ds on the streets I don't know how many times. Never looked after his child , and the only time he ever took him so I could shower he tapped his watch and said you've got 20 mins
I finally flipped when he simultaneously said he was sacking me ( from our business) and throwing me out (again). I cannot describe what came over me but I threw a bowl of porridge over him . Ot literally was a red mist. But I knew then it was over. Things ended very swiftly after that , I knew if I had a gun I would have shot him ...
Op this is your warning to get the hell out .
Fwiw I have never been violent before or since. He abused me so thoroughly I was not in my own mind

Calabasa · 29/11/2020 15:40

All you did was damage an inanimate object.. he is the one who attacked you and you defended yourself.

Get out. Now.

Shitfuckoh · 29/11/2020 15:43

Regardless of he did / I did thing you've got going on here, in the middle of this is an innocent little baby.
One whos daddy wants to spend no time with her at all.
One who has to listen to her parents screaming at each other.
One who will grow up to be in a relationship just like you, if you show her this is how relationships are supposed to be now.

20 years time, your daughter could be you.
Think on it.

Pumpertrumper · 29/11/2020 15:43

OP seriously. As a married woman with an 8 month old baby I’m sat here wondering how you can possibly think this is ok.

You HAVE to leave. You also need to ring the police and report this. I would have them arrest DP if able. Be honest ‘I dropped his PS in frustration which I admit I should not have done but in response he picked me up and dropped me on the floor causing physical harm. I tried to defend myself and he continued to physically assault me. I was scared for myself and the child.’

If you don’t get this documented now I promise it will come back to bite you.

YOU CANNOT RAISE A CHILD IN THIS SITUATION. If you stay one of you will be seriously injured or you could lose DD if SS get involved, you HAVE to leave x

Oxyiz · 29/11/2020 15:44

Get out OP. Don't minimise this. Don't accept it. Don't let it become normal.

Pumpertrumper · 29/11/2020 15:45

You dropping his PlayStation is not an excuse for him dropping you! The police will not accept ‘she dropped my play station’ as an excuse to attack you. Especially since you dropped it because he refused to look after his own child!

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