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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Me and my partner had a really big argument? Now what

124 replies

Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 15:16

Hi everyone.
I was getting ready to go out and take baby to his mums to visit (at a distance) I needed my partner to have the baby while I got ready, otherwise itd take 3x as long. He has a history of complaining when he has her, always tells me to hurry up and that. I came down after 3 mins to put a little bit of makeup on and get going. He then goes "how long will will you be" with a face like a slapped arse. I flipped. I was going on about why he always complains, does he not want to be with her etc. He put her in the walker and decided to put his head phones on and turn back round to his game and goes "I'm not haveing her anymore" like he was doing me a favour and because ive annoyed him, he no longer will. He has a big habit of this too, always tells me to shut up reapeatdely if I voice an issue, ignoring me etc so this made me more angry, i tell him that he will have her and I wont put up with the complaining, its unfair. He continues to ignore me so I unplug his playstation and take it in to living roo. (maybe not the smartest move) he walks away and goes now I'm defo not haveing her. I said over again, can u just have her so I can get ready.. I need to go to another room and dont want to leave her there. He continues to say no so I start yelling more. (I put baby in her cot so shes safe) I go to him and hes on his phone, i flip whilst yelling. I grab his ps4 (again BAD MOVE off mine ) and drop it on the floor, no force just enough to get his attention. He flips and comes at me, I'm basically on the floor and hes just grabbing me, lifted me in the air and dropping me etc I was physically hurt as a kid so rather than backing down I fought back, rather than crying and saying stop I laugh. It's a natural reaction to things that make me uncomfortable, I do it with everything... i just smile and laugh. I'm not excusing my self for trying to hit back but I can see why I might of added flames to the fire. I got on the bed and kicked him away.. he flips more because I'm doing this. After it all he kicks me really hard then goes to walk away, me being me I grab whats closest (a half opened can of coke) and thrown it at him along with some deodorant cans. I shouldnt of done this 🙃 he goes off again, tries bending my wrist backwards, goes for my my neck, face etc I feel fine, nothing really hurts accept where he kicked me so he definitely held back with his hits. He wants me to leave but I feel emotionless and no energy to pack, I'm literally like a statue. He says he never wants to see me again.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 15:45

You basically both had a physical fight. It wasn’t an argument. You need to end this relationship I don’t know what’s wrong with the pair of you but you need to grow up. You’re parents, you have a child. You’re not twelve year olds in the play ground chucking stuff at each other.

grassgreenthisside · 29/11/2020 15:46

@Bluntness100

You basically both had a physical fight. It wasn’t an argument. You need to end this relationship I don’t know what’s wrong with the pair of you but you need to grow up. You’re parents, you have a child. You’re not twelve year olds in the play ground chucking stuff at each other.
100% agree.

Both as bad as each other. Grow up

LadyFeliciaMontague · 29/11/2020 15:49

@Sophie1029734

Should I just leave,
Yes. Appalling for any of that to have happened and your baby to be crying.
Hailtomyteeth · 29/11/2020 15:52

Leave him. Now. Get your baby and yourself out of there. Can you go to your parents? Is there anywhere you'll be safe?

Get some counselling for your self-esteem and to keep you strong. Talking here on mn might help if you focus on the helpful things.

You sound young. You need to get away. Don't excuse him. Run.

bringbacksideburns · 29/11/2020 15:54

How old is this sorry excuse of a father? 14?

Get out. Stop apologising. Stop taking the crumbs he's offering. Have you anywhere you can go? Maybe tell his mum to come pick him and his consoles up as he clearly values them more than anything else in his life.

No need for any continued shouting and arguing between you. You need to be apart.

You put up with this and it quickly becomes your life and the standard you accept from now on.

rottiemum88 · 29/11/2020 15:54

You do not have to defend yourself here for fighting back. Somehow MN only seems to think it's domestic violence if you cower in a corner and take it

OP wasn't just fighting back though was she? She was as much an instigator as he was. Unfortunately OP you're now one of the statistics; children of violent homes are many times more likely to replicate the behaviour in their own homes as adults and you've done exactly that. Your partner sounds awful, but you are also toxic and your child doesn't deserve that. Leave, get some help for yourself and make a conscious decision not to be the person you've obviously become.

wetasstenalady · 29/11/2020 15:55

Kids get taken into care if things like this happen regularly. He sounds like he wants to be a child instead of a parent. Your daughter needs at least one parent willing to put her first. Leave

Beentherefonethat · 29/11/2020 15:57

You need help op. He walked away from you twice!!

DryRoastPeanut · 29/11/2020 15:58

Six of one. Half dozen of the other from what you say. You both sound too immature to be parents, your poor baby.

Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 16:02

I just want to say, I'm a really good mum. 1 incident doesnt define me as a toxic mum.
I will admit, my partner is mentally abysive he isnt mean to me.. he manipulates me. He puts everything first before me, 0 affection and love, if I'm upset he puts me on mic to his friends and laugh at me. I blew up and I know it was wrong but I'm a good mum.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 16:03

She didn’t just fight back. Read it again

I flipped.

He continues to ignore me so I unplug his playstation and take it in to living room.

he walks away and goes now I'm defo not haveing her.

I said over again, can u just have her so I can get ready.. I need to go to another room and dont want to leave her there.

He continues to say no so I start yelling more.

I go to him and hes on his phone, i flip whilst yelling.

I grab his ps4 and drop it on the floor, no force just enough to get his attention.

He flips and comes at me, I'm basically on the floor and hes just grabbing me, lifted me in the air and dropping me etc

I laugh... i just smile and laugh.

I got on the bed and kicked him away.. he flips more because I'm doing this.

After it all he kicks me really hard then goes to walk away, me being me I grab whats closest (a half opened can of coke) and thrown it at him along with some deodorant cans

The whole thing was a shit storm.

rottiemum88 · 29/11/2020 16:04

@Sophie1029734

I just want to say, I'm a really good mum. 1 incident doesnt define me as a toxic mum. I will admit, my partner is mentally abysive he isnt mean to me.. he manipulates me. He puts everything first before me, 0 affection and love, if I'm upset he puts me on mic to his friends and laugh at me. I blew up and I know it was wrong but I'm a good mum.
I'm sorry OP, but you're not. You put this confrontation with your partner above your child's interests at that point in time because you'd lost it. Good parents don't do that.
BeanieB2020 · 29/11/2020 16:05

You need to leave. Both of you are at fault here and you were the instigator. He shouldn't have reacted the way he did. If you are often like this then his reaction could be the result of built up frustration at being yelled at. It's not healthy to let things in a relationship get to the point where you feel like screaming and shouting at someone. You need to learn how to have adult conversation about issues before they get out of hand like this, and I think it is now too late for this relationship. If I were you I would be making plans to leave and making plans for getting some counselling and childcare help arranged for yourself.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 16:07

Op, he’s right you need to leave. Sorry I missed the bit at the end where he went for you but didn’t hurt you, it wasn’t an intentional leave it out.

But he’s right, you need to leave. Your relationship is awful. Two people who care about each other don’t behave like this, in fact no two peoooe should behave like this and there was a child in ther witnessing it.

wetasstenalady · 29/11/2020 16:08

I'm sure you are a good mum as in you love your child and meet her basic needs. However if you let this continue without having an awareness of the damage it can cause your capacity to parent will be effected. Speak to women's aid or at least have a look on their website

Dragongirl10 · 29/11/2020 16:10

What a mess op,

First, you need to either leave yourself or he needs to, straight away.

Then this has to be over for good, this is very toxic, he is abusive, you are not responsible for his abusive actions and it is totally unacceptable behaviour.

Then you need to know how to manage your feelings, we all do once we have children......as parents we need to be able to stay calm in front of our children whatever comes our way, however horrible someone is.

This does not mean that you are responsible for his behaviour there is no excuse for that, but you are responsible for yours.

Get your DD away from him and work on yourself, I am sorry op.

Sparklfairy · 29/11/2020 16:11

@Bluntness100

She didn’t just fight back. Read it again

I flipped.

He continues to ignore me so I unplug his playstation and take it in to living room.

he walks away and goes now I'm defo not haveing her.

I said over again, can u just have her so I can get ready.. I need to go to another room and dont want to leave her there.

He continues to say no so I start yelling more.

I go to him and hes on his phone, i flip whilst yelling.

I grab his ps4 and drop it on the floor, no force just enough to get his attention.

He flips and comes at me, I'm basically on the floor and hes just grabbing me, lifted me in the air and dropping me etc

I laugh... i just smile and laugh.

I got on the bed and kicked him away.. he flips more because I'm doing this.

After it all he kicks me really hard then goes to walk away, me being me I grab whats closest (a half opened can of coke) and thrown it at him along with some deodorant cans

The whole thing was a shit storm.

You're looking at the incident in isolation. This has clearly been a pattern for a long time, him refusing to do anything he doesn't want to and using it to control her when she dares to go out.

So she fought back in the figurative sense by taking the PlayStation etc. What is she supposed to do when he's stonewalling her and forcing her to accept him treatment or else?

NerrSnerr · 29/11/2020 16:11

@Sophie1029734

I just want to say, I'm a really good mum. 1 incident doesnt define me as a toxic mum. I will admit, my partner is mentally abysive he isnt mean to me.. he manipulates me. He puts everything first before me, 0 affection and love, if I'm upset he puts me on mic to his friends and laugh at me. I blew up and I know it was wrong but I'm a good mum.
You need to get out. Your daughter cannot grow up with parents behaving like this. Not leave some point in the future. The relationship needs to end now so there is no chance of her witnessing this again.
MrsGrindah · 29/11/2020 16:18

my partner is mentally abusive he isn’t mean to me Is that a typo OP as that just doesn’t make sense.
You sound as bad as each other so I think your relationship is doomed. Protect your innocent daughter, separate, grow up and focus on being better parents apart.

Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 16:19

I've gone outside to get some fresh air and think, hes locked me out. First thing I will do when I'm inside is pack my things my grandad will pick me up.

OP posts:
Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 16:20

If he wont open the door i will call the police, I just want to get my baby girl and leave

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 16:23

This is just awful.

Op do you live there? Whose home is it?

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 16:24

What is she supposed to do when he's stonewalling her and forcing her to accept him treatment or else

End it and leave.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/11/2020 16:31

You need to call the police, say he has assaulted you and has locked you out with your baby dd still inside.

PatsyJStone · 29/11/2020 16:31

Sorry, it sounds like it’s an unhealthy relationship for all of you. Think about if things can or will improve. You may be better off alone as this isn’t a good environment long term for your daughter to grow up witnessing. If you push each other’s buttons in such a bad way and he won’t communicate in a mature manner then with or without a child it’s not good.

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