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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me and my partner had a really big argument? Now what

124 replies

Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 15:16

Hi everyone.
I was getting ready to go out and take baby to his mums to visit (at a distance) I needed my partner to have the baby while I got ready, otherwise itd take 3x as long. He has a history of complaining when he has her, always tells me to hurry up and that. I came down after 3 mins to put a little bit of makeup on and get going. He then goes "how long will will you be" with a face like a slapped arse. I flipped. I was going on about why he always complains, does he not want to be with her etc. He put her in the walker and decided to put his head phones on and turn back round to his game and goes "I'm not haveing her anymore" like he was doing me a favour and because ive annoyed him, he no longer will. He has a big habit of this too, always tells me to shut up reapeatdely if I voice an issue, ignoring me etc so this made me more angry, i tell him that he will have her and I wont put up with the complaining, its unfair. He continues to ignore me so I unplug his playstation and take it in to living roo. (maybe not the smartest move) he walks away and goes now I'm defo not haveing her. I said over again, can u just have her so I can get ready.. I need to go to another room and dont want to leave her there. He continues to say no so I start yelling more. (I put baby in her cot so shes safe) I go to him and hes on his phone, i flip whilst yelling. I grab his ps4 (again BAD MOVE off mine ) and drop it on the floor, no force just enough to get his attention. He flips and comes at me, I'm basically on the floor and hes just grabbing me, lifted me in the air and dropping me etc I was physically hurt as a kid so rather than backing down I fought back, rather than crying and saying stop I laugh. It's a natural reaction to things that make me uncomfortable, I do it with everything... i just smile and laugh. I'm not excusing my self for trying to hit back but I can see why I might of added flames to the fire. I got on the bed and kicked him away.. he flips more because I'm doing this. After it all he kicks me really hard then goes to walk away, me being me I grab whats closest (a half opened can of coke) and thrown it at him along with some deodorant cans. I shouldnt of done this 🙃 he goes off again, tries bending my wrist backwards, goes for my my neck, face etc I feel fine, nothing really hurts accept where he kicked me so he definitely held back with his hits. He wants me to leave but I feel emotionless and no energy to pack, I'm literally like a statue. He says he never wants to see me again.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 29/11/2020 16:39

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

You need to call the police, say he has assaulted you and has locked you out with your baby dd still inside.
100%
Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 29/11/2020 16:40

Call the police
Tell them you have been assaulted and he has locked you out with your baby inside

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/11/2020 16:41

Omg op the locking out ! Yes I had that too.
Please take it from someone that's been there , he will make you as bad as him if you stay, and your child doesnt deserve that.

FizzyDizzy121 · 29/11/2020 16:45

Your poor, poor child. Do you think she deserves this environment?

You need to get out immediately, you need to stop focusing on a guy and fighting and you need to focus on what's best for your innocent child.

You keep saying you're a good mum - prove it. Walk away and put your child first rather than fighting and throwing things in front of her.

GirlOnFireA · 29/11/2020 16:45

Oh OP I don’t know what’s been normalised in your world but none of this is normal I think you know that. I come from an abusive back ground - sometimes it was physical. My mother would beat my father because he was an alcoholic he’s dead now.

All I can say it takes a lot from me to keep calm and not shout like I would see them shout. And honestly I have hit my husband a couple of times out of rage when he’s drunk - but honestly I know it’s not normal. He has never fought back or ever hurt me.

I would never do that now. I think it’s best for you two to separate and go to a safe place. I honestly thought my DH would leave me I think that he would have done had he not been so drunk and he knows I can’t cope with heavy drinking.

Please don’t put up with this abuse he could do worse one day.

Gobbycop · 29/11/2020 16:46

Ffs your poor kid.

You both need to grow the fuck up and get a grip.

Dollydoo1 · 29/11/2020 16:48

This is classed as emotional abuse towards your child.
You really shouldn't be together.

Shutupyoutart · 29/11/2020 16:49

Good grief. I dont think there's any coming back from this op. Yes you were antagonising him by throwing his PlayStation ect but it sounds as though you finally snapped from a long history of shitty treatment and have held up your hands in your part of this. Its a toxic relationship and when you have crossed the line into physical violence there's no coming back from that. You need to leave he's right he sounds vile. Ring the police and tell them what's happened and he has locked u out with your daughter inside.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/11/2020 16:49

He’s not going to hurt her is he to punish you is he?.

TJ17 · 29/11/2020 17:01

This just made me feel so so sad for your baby 😔😭

If you stop and think from your baby's point of view maybe that will be enough to tell you what the right decision is here....shouldn't take long.

TJ17 · 29/11/2020 17:03

If he wouldn't even look after her for a few minutes for you to get ready then why the hell would you leave her with him?! Where is she now?! Is he just ignoring her???!!!

Please call the police if he won't let you in. This is breaking my heart that poor baby...

CandyLeBonBon · 29/11/2020 17:06

Christ on a bike what a bloody shit show.

Kittykat93 · 29/11/2020 17:09

You two are a mess and shitty parents. Your poor baby having to witness that.

Wyntersdiary · 29/11/2020 17:10

Hes an abuser who thinks looking after a baby is your job because your the woman/ mother.

I would be running far away from him because your girl doesnt deserve this. Unfortunately its too late to realise hes a twat as a baby has already been born so at least get out now.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 17:15

In this instance they were both abusive. Neither of them get a pass foe their behaviour, it was like two feral kids going at each other.

PurpleMustang · 29/11/2020 17:15

Who's house is it? Can he leave and go to his mum?

CoronaBollox · 29/11/2020 17:17

This will only get worse, with every argument the more boundaries that are pushed, the more normal it becomes.

If not for you, leave for your child who I'm sure you would not want in a toxic environment like that.

SpaceOp · 29/11/2020 17:20

Op, your behaviour was not perfect but it is impossible for me to understand why people think you are equally to blame. He is clearly an emotional bully and a terrible father. He has physically attacked you. He treats her badly. This is not normal and bile it may be that you need help to manage your responses this sounds to me like someone who has been abused and is pushing back. Getting away from him is the best thing you can do.

I hope the police are there with you now.

Cam2020 · 29/11/2020 17:21

This relationship is toxic. Your partner isn't interested in his child at all and seems to just want to spend his time playing his games. You were even taking your DC to his mum's as he can't even be arsed to do that, it sounds like.

Your reaction wasn't ideal and could have put you in more danger, but you were attacked and your instinct is fight rather than flight and that in no way undermine the fact that this arsehole attacked you. Get out of that relationship before some real harm is done and your child is affected.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 17:24

@SpaceOp

Op, your behaviour was not perfect but it is impossible for me to understand why people think you are equally to blame. He is clearly an emotional bully and a terrible father. He has physically attacked you. He treats her badly. This is not normal and bile it may be that you need help to manage your responses this sounds to me like someone who has been abused and is pushing back. Getting away from him is the best thing you can do.

I hope the police are there with you now.

Does it matter who is most to blame? Really? I don’t think anyone has decided it was equal. Because it’s irrelevant who is “most” to blame. They both behaved appallingly.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/11/2020 17:26

Stop posting on mumsnet and call the police. Your baby is inside with someone who is violent and just lost his shit. And he doesn't even like her despite the fact she's a tiny baby.

You haven't behaved much better today but you need the police to come and ensure she is safe and get her in your care as he clearly isn't capable or willing to look after her.

This relationship is toxic and you're exposing your daughter to abusive behaviour from both parties, which is in itself abusive to the child.

Grow up, break up and start putting her first. Both of you.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 17:28

Your baby is inside with someone who is violent and just lost his shit. And he doesn't even like her despite the fact she's a tiny baby

For goodness sake. She clearly stated he didn’t hurt her once.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/11/2020 17:28

@Bluntness100

What is she supposed to do when he's stonewalling her and forcing her to accept him treatment or else

End it and leave.

This. Nobody is saying it's easy, but no matter how hard it is she needs to end the relationship for her child's sake. This poor baby has been crying today, likely scared shitless because of all the commotion going on. Exposing a child to abuse is abusive.
Tigger001 · 29/11/2020 17:29

If you are a really good mum as you say, you will ensure you and your partner split.

Your daughter deserves better. She deserves to be put first and taught what a healthy relationship looks like.

Separately yourself and your partner need anger management to learn how to deal,with your anger or you will just take this to your next relationships.

Sort yourselves out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/11/2020 17:31

@Bluntness100

Your baby is inside with someone who is violent and just lost his shit. And he doesn't even like her despite the fact she's a tiny baby

For goodness sake. She clearly stated he didn’t hurt her once.

Apologies I think I worded that poorly - I am in total agreement that OP's behaviour has been appalling too. And violent too - both have been physically aggressive regardless of whether theyve injured each other. My point was that OP seems able to look after the child while he is unwilling to so they priority is getting the child to the safest place. Not minimising one party's behaviour or exaggerating the others - both have been awful and OP exacerbated it repeatedly knowing the baby was present which is awful.