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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Me and my partner had a really big argument? Now what

124 replies

Sophie1029734 · 29/11/2020 15:16

Hi everyone.
I was getting ready to go out and take baby to his mums to visit (at a distance) I needed my partner to have the baby while I got ready, otherwise itd take 3x as long. He has a history of complaining when he has her, always tells me to hurry up and that. I came down after 3 mins to put a little bit of makeup on and get going. He then goes "how long will will you be" with a face like a slapped arse. I flipped. I was going on about why he always complains, does he not want to be with her etc. He put her in the walker and decided to put his head phones on and turn back round to his game and goes "I'm not haveing her anymore" like he was doing me a favour and because ive annoyed him, he no longer will. He has a big habit of this too, always tells me to shut up reapeatdely if I voice an issue, ignoring me etc so this made me more angry, i tell him that he will have her and I wont put up with the complaining, its unfair. He continues to ignore me so I unplug his playstation and take it in to living roo. (maybe not the smartest move) he walks away and goes now I'm defo not haveing her. I said over again, can u just have her so I can get ready.. I need to go to another room and dont want to leave her there. He continues to say no so I start yelling more. (I put baby in her cot so shes safe) I go to him and hes on his phone, i flip whilst yelling. I grab his ps4 (again BAD MOVE off mine ) and drop it on the floor, no force just enough to get his attention. He flips and comes at me, I'm basically on the floor and hes just grabbing me, lifted me in the air and dropping me etc I was physically hurt as a kid so rather than backing down I fought back, rather than crying and saying stop I laugh. It's a natural reaction to things that make me uncomfortable, I do it with everything... i just smile and laugh. I'm not excusing my self for trying to hit back but I can see why I might of added flames to the fire. I got on the bed and kicked him away.. he flips more because I'm doing this. After it all he kicks me really hard then goes to walk away, me being me I grab whats closest (a half opened can of coke) and thrown it at him along with some deodorant cans. I shouldnt of done this 🙃 he goes off again, tries bending my wrist backwards, goes for my my neck, face etc I feel fine, nothing really hurts accept where he kicked me so he definitely held back with his hits. He wants me to leave but I feel emotionless and no energy to pack, I'm literally like a statue. He says he never wants to see me again.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 17:36

Agree, the child is safest with the op, simply because he is unlikely to provide care. The poor little mite must be terrified.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/11/2020 17:38

@Bluntness100

Agree, the child is safest with the op, simply because he is unlikely to provide care. The poor little mite must be terrified.
Awful isn't it? Scary enough witnessing a huge fight when you have the agency and ability to walk away, I can't imagine being a helpless baby not understanding why there is shouting and banging and screaming. Unthinkable to be considering staying together.
CornishTiger · 29/11/2020 17:39

I really hope you’ve called the police. Report the assault.

Request an idva ( independent domestic violence advisor) and engage with them. I wonder if your role modelling growing up normalised domestic abuse both emotional and physical.

1forAll74 · 29/11/2020 17:43

Yes, you need to leave, and be apart from this man, so don't go back tracking on anything at all.. Situations like this, can possibly get even worse over time.

shiningstar2 · 29/11/2020 17:49

It began when he refused to have his own child for a few minutes while you needed to do something else? Not good op. Not an equal parenting arrangement, or it seems in any other way. You should not have to beg him to look after his own child. Your description of how events quickly escalated seems to imply that he totally ignored you, putting head phones on and playing a game.Totally immature. How old is he? It seems. from your description, that taking his game away was the only way you could get his attention. Then things escalated to violence.

I think it is very concerning that you are focusing on the wrongs of your behaviour rather than his. You may have been able to handle his negative behaviour better, but this began when he refused to help with yours and his baby and when you objected he 'punished' you by his continues refusal to take any responsibility for his own child. If, as you say, he often does this, your response isn't surprizing. He followed this up with violence towards you, which is never acceptable.

What exactly is this 'partner' bringing to the table op? Please stop making excuses for him. Good luck op Flowers

Beautiful3 · 29/11/2020 18:03

I've been with mine for 20 years, hes never hurt me. This is not normal. Violence is bad around children. You need to leave.

OverTheRainbow88 · 29/11/2020 18:10

@Sophie1029734

Have you managed to get inside and then leave?

Itsnotagazebo · 29/11/2020 18:12

Yes, leave. I think once violence happens once it will reappear again and again.

You could try counselling together but for now be apart.

CrazyCatLazy · 29/11/2020 18:14

Are you ok? Did you get inside to your baby?
As you say, ring your family and leave immediately.
This is not going to get better, please be prepared for him to start trying to bring you round in the next few days. Be strong x

DanikaJ · 29/11/2020 18:16

I don't think anyone has the right to call someone a "bad mum" or "toxic mum". It sounds like you pretty much snapped because of that pathetic excuse of a sperm donor! He sounds very awful and new he was pushing your buttons. Yes your daughter came last in this incident but you can only kick a dog so much! You are not a bad mum, you need/have to leave. This will never ever ever get better. The image of your crying frightened daughter should be enough to push you to leave. I hope your okay x

Pumpertrumper · 29/11/2020 18:18

I’ve actually never in all my time on MN called anyone a bad mother. As a mother myself I fully understand the severity of that.

...if you stay in this toxic, violent and dangerous relationship you will be a bad mother. Regardless of your intentions or optimism.

EKGEMS · 29/11/2020 18:19

Call the police and file assault charges

DanikaJ · 29/11/2020 18:23

@Pumpertrumper

I’ve actually never in all my time on MN called anyone a bad mother. As a mother myself I fully understand the severity of that.

...if you stay in this toxic, violent and dangerous relationship you will be a bad mother. Regardless of your intentions or optimism.

How can you even say that. Staying in a situation doesn't make you a bad mother. I stayed in a horrible situation out of desperation and not knowing what to do. I actually convinced myself my DD would have a better life then what I can give her alone. I'm ashamed but I'm not a bad mother. You can't make that judgement it's a horrible thing to say.
Aknifewith16blades · 29/11/2020 18:28

OP, call the police. None of this is ok and you need support.

Nanny0gg · 29/11/2020 18:29

How are they as 'bad as each other' when the OP's 'partner' doesn't want to spend any time with his DD or care for her?

And whilst the OP hurt inanimate objects to start with, her partner hurt her!

I agree she needs to get out as soon as possible.

if you stay in this toxic, violent and dangerous relationship you will be a bad mother. Regardless of your intentions or optimism.

What if she actually can't? That's a horrible thing to say

IntoP20 · 29/11/2020 18:34

Wow, what a mess. He sounds awful but you’re just as guilty of domestic violence as he is. Your poor baby. I suggest you do as he asks and leave and source yourself some counselling and support from your health visitor.

To all the posters commenting in your defence, did you just read the same thing as me?

He doesn’t want the baby.
She ‘flips’ and unplugs his PlayStation.
He walks away.
She follows him and starts shouting at him again.
She grabs his PS4 and drops it on the floor to get his attention.
He grabs her, she starts kicking him and so on.

They’re both as bad as each other and their baby deserves better.

mummymayhem18 · 29/11/2020 18:58

Definitely leave the dickhead. It's toxic.

madcatladyforever · 29/11/2020 19:16

I'd probably have done the same OP, what a lazy shit, can't even look after his own child for 5 minutes.
Leave this idiot, he's a waste of space.

showmeshowme12 · 29/11/2020 19:20

@IntoP20

Wow, what a mess. He sounds awful but you’re just as guilty of domestic violence as he is. Your poor baby. I suggest you do as he asks and leave and source yourself some counselling and support from your health visitor.

To all the posters commenting in your defence, did you just read the same thing as me?

He doesn’t want the baby.
She ‘flips’ and unplugs his PlayStation.
He walks away.
She follows him and starts shouting at him again.
She grabs his PS4 and drops it on the floor to get his attention.
He grabs her, she starts kicking him and so on.

They’re both as bad as each other and their baby deserves better.

This

What the actual f OP

shehadsomuchpotential · 29/11/2020 19:41

Its what you do next that matters. You have to end this relationship. To protect yourself and your daughter. And to ensure you are not in a position again where you own behaviour is so poor.

You also need to see therapy and counselling for dealing with difficult emotions and managing anger. Its seems your own childhood is playing out and you have to make steps to end the cycle.

Tomorrow you will all have cooled off and be sorry but none of you are safe in a relationship that has this potential in it.

If you stay and this happens again you will highly likely end up with social services involved and could lose your daughter.

Keep calm and make good choices.

OwlOneAmorFati · 29/11/2020 19:45

@Sophie1029734

If he wont open the door i will call the police, I just want to get my baby girl and leave
Do it. Honestly just get away and trust that you will sort the rest out later.

🍀

2020wish · 29/11/2020 19:48

I honestly think u need to stop blaming urself. He was a complete asshole. Not parenting his daughter for u to get ready. Acting immature when u rightly so cracked up. Ignoring you. Tbh I would taken the PlayStation away also as he was acting like a spoilt child himself. He hit u fight . U defended urself and it continued to get physical. He has abused u from the get go... even before he hit u. He does not deserve to be a dad and I would press charges based on him attacking u first physically. U both need to end this relationship now. No issues. No going back. It’s toxic and horrible for ur child. U both deserve better, please stop defending his actions by putting blame on urself

Quartz2208 · 29/11/2020 19:49

I hope you have called the Police OP he needs to leave not you

Good Luck

ExclamationPerfume · 29/11/2020 20:01

You both sound unhinged. Your poor daughter deserves better than being with two violent people. You are excusing your behaviour. You started it.

Notanothermask · 29/11/2020 20:07

I don't know what other people are reading and finding her starting the abuse?
If my child isn't doing what I asked or telling me no? I would take away his toys? If my child hit me in retaliation to this that would not be acceptable (before anyone starts I wouldn't hit him back but just for reference)
Obviously you are not his mother but you are still able to stand up t him and not take his shit parenting! And regards to hitting him back of fucking course you fight back! If a man hit me I would swing back!
Would it be better if she layed down a took a beating no ofc not

Phone the police and take your child away from this situation