Partner lied about being at work

[3u33y]

I think I just need handholding really.
I’ve been with my partner for 8 months- known each other for 2 years.
Never lived together- both have kids from previous marriages.
Always been a happy and healthy relationship until maybe 2 weeks ago he started acting really weird- not replying to messages, when I saw him he would over explain himself about where he had been etc ( for no reason).
We had a discussion and I explained that he ‘didn’t need to explain himself to me as I trust him and have no reason to question what he says to me’.
Until that point that statement was true but then one day last week he was messaging me about some stuff he was looking up on the internet. He works in a small building that I occasionally work in too as we work in the same industry and I happened to also have a meeting there that day. I noticed that his car wasn’t there, and as he was clearly on the internet and not working I messaged him saying ‘oh have u managed to get a day off you lucky thing’.
He replied ‘no I’m at work’ and a bit later ‘being naughty and using the work computer for personal use’.
I suddenly got this weird sinking feeling.
I have never had any reason to suspect him before but after he had been acting so strange I had this weird hunch.
When my meeting had finished I went to the car park and Jumped in my car- he was still messaging me as though he was at work but I knew if his car wasn’t there then he was unlikely to be there. He never doesn’t drive and is a creature of habit and always parks in his allocated space.
I m not proud of this but I had a feeling he was with his ex so I drove past her house-
His car was there.
I know the kids weren’t there as he had dropped them to school that morning.
I now don’t know what to do.
Do I ask him outright?
Am I acting like a deranged mental person?
I do have BPD though I have therapy and work really hard to not let it impact only relationship decisions.

I have a sinking feeling that either

1. I’ve been the OW this whole time or
2. He’s rekindled something with he since we got together.

My gut would be telling me he's cheating, why lie when he knows you could potentially find out. I'd be getting rid tbh. Lies are a deal breaker for me.

Sounds to me like you have trusted your intuition and followed your instincts to find out the truth. No, you’re not mad, but I should imagine you feel a lot of conflicting emotions that might make you feel a bit mad.
Sounds like you’re going to have to have a very difficult conversation with him. If he’s already lying, then start with “how was work? Were there many people in the office? What time did you leave?” Casual day-to-day questions. Then you’ll need to present him with the facts. That you know he wasn’t at work and that you know he was at his ex’s because his car was outside his house.
He’s might get quite angry and try to turn the tables round, to accuse you of unreasonable behaviour. I would recommend that you try to sit calmly and let him rant and rage if he reacts that way. He’ll probably give more away. Once he’s burnt out or said his piece, assuming he doesn’t walk off, you can then ask the questions you want to ask, which you can prepare and write down. The calmer you are, the harder it will be for him to argue and you’ll get closer to the truth, faster.
By choosing when to speak to him, you can also make a plan of action for yourself. If he’s cheating, do you want to go to stay with someone else? Do you want him to leave?
He may have another explanation (an issue with the kids for example). However, even if the explanation is reasonable, you have every right to ask why he’s lied about his whereabouts.
Good luck. I can understand how painful this must be right now.

In a way, it doesn't matter whether he has been seeing her the whole time or only rekindled. It's his dishonesty that is the problem.

It has only been 8 months. Cut your losses.

Sounds dodgy to me. If he was meeting his ex to discuss the dc/ divorce etc he would have told you surely? Is he divorced from his ex? How did you meet? If you've known him for 2 years do you know for certain his marriage is over? Have you met his dc/do they know about you? I would have to ask him out right if I was you. And probably walk away.

Maybe say you were at the building/office on that day last week.... wait and see his reaction....then if nothing forthcoming then say you're confused as his car wasn't there! If he then lies again cut your loses and finish it.

I personally would need to just ask a few questions first, so I know for sure in my head, before finishing it.

I'd stop contact with him, and see what he does.

Too late now, but I'd have taken a photo and sent it to him asking him what he was working on.

The sensible thing to do, would be to send him a text 'I know you were at Ex's the other day when you told me you were at work. I'm not interested in a relationship where I'm lied to, so this is over. I'll drop your stuff off when I'm next in the office. Don't bother contacting me to tell me more lies, I'm not interested'

But it's hard to do

We met at work, we were both working for a different company at the time. He’s absolutely separated in that, he has his own place, has shared custody of their kids, the colleagues we had in our other job all know we are a couple. Not 💯 divorced yet as waiting for absolute.
I think those of you that have posted are right. Where and who is irrelevant to me, I’ve never had a problem with him having a good relationship with his ex, I have an ex who I coparent with and it’s good for the kids to keep that relationship good. It’s the lie and continuing lie and weird behaviour that’s upset me.
I feel like I deserve honesty at least. I’m so gutted, I actually believed up until a couple of weeks ago that I had met my person. 😔

How have you had the self control not to say anything yet? At the first message I would have said well your car isn't here. If I'd seen his car at the exes house I would have knocked on the door questioned that too.
It's quite clear what is going on, at the very least he's lying about his whereabouts and that would be it for me.

Oh the '2 years' stuck in my head. 8 months not quite so hard to do. You need to do it because you won't trust him & living like that is utterly fucking miserable.

There are other fish in the sea!!

I would be worried too. There may be an innocent explanation but if there had been a family crisis there would be no reason for him not to tell you - I presume. However, the lying would be a deal breaker for me as I would never trust him again.

Personally I would want to know what is going on, so I would tell him that I had been to a meeting in his building when he claims he was there, see what he says. If he lies, you have your answer and can move on

I should have said that I don’t know the people he works with in his new job as I don’t work in that department and I’m sort of skill recruited on an adhoc basis for the job I have now and haven’t ever worked with him directly since we left the old place

@dasey
I honestly don’t know how I haven’t lost me shit. Inside my heart is just breaking, until this we haven’t ever had a fight or even slightly fallen out. I think I’m just shocked. It was Wednesday that it happened and I’m due to see him tonight

@3u33y

I have a sinking feeling that either

1. I’ve been the OW this whole time or
2. He’s rekindled something with he since we got together.

I'm sorry, but I think 1) is very likely right.

Where did he tell you he lives, have you ever  been inside it with him?  I'd  be checking if his car spends  every night at the same address of his supposed "Ex".

@2bazookas
He has his own place, I’ve been inside it, I couldn’t say where his car is most evenings as I’ve never checked- I’ve never felt the need to check until now. Why would he have his own place etc if they were together it’s weird. Our kids have met so they know of me it’s not like I’m a huge secret. I just don’t get it. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

OP - I've been there when you uncover deceit from someone you thought you utterly trusted, so you have my sympathies.

If its not too touchy a subject - how did you two get together? Was he already separated or did your feelings for each other act as a catalyst for one or the other of you leaving your partner.

There's clearly something not right, but why would he spend an illicit day with his ex, internetting and messaging you?

Are you sure it wasn't emergency childcare of some sort? It doesn't help a lot because he lied but it might not be what you're assuming.

Omg i hope to god you end this relationship....

Yes he lied obviously.. you cant trust him and he's probably cheating... even if hes not, he's lied! You've only been together 8 months... run for the hills please! You deserve so much better

@TossCointoYerWitcher
We got together (sort of) after Christmas. My ex left me while I was pregnant with our daughter so I was 💯 single, he was very newly separated, maybe just a month.
Both separated from partners before getting together. We always got along really well as we worked well together and also shared similar interests with our kids but I had a good relationship with a few people at my work it wasn’t unusual with him.

I then backed off as I want sure I was actually ready for a relationship but he asked me out again in the March and we have been together ever since.

@BecomeStronger
It may well have been for totally innocent reasons and if it was that’s fine, it’s the lies that I don’t understand. We chart on a daily basis, about kids/ plans etc so if was suddenly asked to look after the kids he would have probably messaged me to say so. No because I keep tabs or anything but because we just share that stuff with each other. In-fact his kids got sent home to isolate in September and he said then that he had to take a week off to be with them at home. Same as when I was off a few weeks ago when my wee girl had an ear infection and was poorly.

Can you just ask him why he lied and tell him you saw his car outside ex. If he gets angry because he feels you dont trust him and were checking then so what. He lied. Let him think that over. Its only been 8 months.

Regardless of the reason he was at his ex's, whether that was providing emergency childcare as a PP suggested, or whether he was there shagging his ex's brains out... he's a liar.

He is not just selective of the information he chooses to share, he's an out and out liar. Your gut feeling has been telling you this for the past fortnight.

I'm sure he'll come up with some bullshit story and try and talk you round when you see him later, but if you continue in this relationship you will never ever 100 percent trust him, or trust him around his ex, ever again.

Did he have his own place when you met, as it was such a new break up?

I’m a big believer in Occams Razor - that the simplest solution is usually the right one. And right now, that’s option two. If the reason he was there was innocent, he wouldn’t have lied to you. There would have been no reason to. Added to you saying he’d be “over explaining” for a while, and I think it’s probably quite likely that they’ve been meeting up for a while, and even if nothing has happened yet (which doesn’t seem likely), it’s not good news for your relationship if he’s testing out a new one with her. And you’d have to say that if he’s comfortable enough at her house to be messaging you with random internet stuff, he wasn’t there for some kind of one-off emergency.

Maybe there will some other reason... but it seems unlikely, and I can’t think of anything that would explain the constant lies to you over inane nonsense.

I am sorry, though I wasted far too long on someone like this.