Partner lied about being at work

[3u33y]

I think I just need handholding really.
I’ve been with my partner for 8 months- known each other for 2 years.
Never lived together- both have kids from previous marriages.
Always been a happy and healthy relationship until maybe 2 weeks ago he started acting really weird- not replying to messages, when I saw him he would over explain himself about where he had been etc ( for no reason).
We had a discussion and I explained that he ‘didn’t need to explain himself to me as I trust him and have no reason to question what he says to me’.
Until that point that statement was true but then one day last week he was messaging me about some stuff he was looking up on the internet. He works in a small building that I occasionally work in too as we work in the same industry and I happened to also have a meeting there that day. I noticed that his car wasn’t there, and as he was clearly on the internet and not working I messaged him saying ‘oh have u managed to get a day off you lucky thing’.
He replied ‘no I’m at work’ and a bit later ‘being naughty and using the work computer for personal use’.
I suddenly got this weird sinking feeling.
I have never had any reason to suspect him before but after he had been acting so strange I had this weird hunch.
When my meeting had finished I went to the car park and Jumped in my car- he was still messaging me as though he was at work but I knew if his car wasn’t there then he was unlikely to be there. He never doesn’t drive and is a creature of habit and always parks in his allocated space.
I m not proud of this but I had a feeling he was with his ex so I drove past her house-
His car was there.
I know the kids weren’t there as he had dropped them to school that morning.
I now don’t know what to do.
Do I ask him outright?
Am I acting like a deranged mental person?
I do have BPD though I have therapy and work really hard to not let it impact only relationship decisions.

Did you take a photo of his car outside her house to confront him with?

I’m not sure I’d have been able to help myself - I would have knocked on the door.

I think Id have called from outside the exs and told him to look out the window.

Maybe ask the friend but I dont know if I could trust after that

@LittleStepsDaily 👏 😆 that's brilliant!

I doubt he would appreciate you sitting outside his wifes house, knocking on her door or taking any photos. She is not his ex at the moment and they are allowed to meet whenever they want. He will take her side if you say you drove to her house. Just ask him if he really was at work because you didnt see his car in the usual spot and its been bothering you.

I hope this turns out ok for you whatever the outcome op

Deep down you already knew, otherwise why drive to his ex's. Time to cut your losses and make your self single for someone who deserves you OP.

OP, how have things went tonight?

have really feel for you. You must be desperately hoping for an innocent explanation, I would. However I suspect any explanation will be far from innocent.

Op nobody here can tell you what his car was doing there. Nobody knows for certain. People are making assumptions and it's not always helpful. Yes it doesn't look good but please don't listen to those who talk as if their assumptions are facts. It's utterly pointless.

You need to ask him outright what's going on and even if he lies I suspect you'll be able to decipher a lot from his reaction. Good luck.

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound good 😔

I'm glad you've decided to ask him. I really hope it is all a misunderstanding OP

I'm sorry OP but a month after he separated should have told you he was looking for someone to distract himself from whatever hadn't been processed from his marriage. I suspect they have got back together, which was always the risk.

Men can do weird things when that last bit of paper dissolving their marriage is about to come through and just after. Separated is not divorced and that final step can be a kick to the guts.
I've seen a fair few men separate, get with someone before the divorce is finalised and either wobble with the ex as they try to come to terms with the failure of their marriage and/or play happy families with a new woman to help ease the pain of the failure of the marriage - and I don't think it's always intentional on their part, just foolish and inconsiderate. But often doesn't show them to be good quality men....
I'm hoping for your sake there is an innocent explanation to his behaviour but if he's one of the above, be kind to yourself as it's very unlikely to be anything to do with you.

So we had ‘that’ conversation.
Turns out he gave her the car as hers is knackered and in the garage. He didn’t mention it because he was worried that I would think it was weird or be pi55ed off.
We had a long chat about the whole situation. The weirdness lately, him assuming I would be annoyed/ freaked out by his relationship with his ex, my being annoyed with him for assuming I would be annoyed/ freaked out about it when I’ve always supported him having a positive relationship with her. Me being upset about this. I cried, he apologised for assuming I would get annoyed and explained that his ex was incredibly jealous when they were together and he assumed that all women feel like that, and they even though I said I was okay about it he thought I would go nuts at him for letting her have his car for the kids.
I got even more upset and annoyed for him assuming I’m like her.
Ultimately I suggested that we take time apart and remain friends.
All of this had made me realise that until he has a decree absolute and has been on his own for a while, these things will never go away. He clearly hasn’t healed from his situation and I don’t want to be a rebound.
I know After today that I too just need some time on my own to find myself too.
Thanks for all the advice and handholding.
He wasn’t cheating but it didn’t end up with the same conclusion regardless.

Well done, 3u33y. I hope things work out well for you in the future.

@3u33y I'm sorry it's been upsetting for you but I think this is the right decision for now. Whatever his situation with his ex, you don't need to feel you have to jump through hoops to prove your worth. Perhaps it was just too soon?

I'm sorry. I know it sucks

OP I think you've done the right thing and credit to you for dealing with it in such a mature way and taking such a step back. Wishing you well with building yourself up and finding yourself in a good place again.

You handled that really well, good on you. That must have been a difficult decision to split with him as you said you love him deeply. Maybe a bit of time and distance with help sort things out and make him realise he needs to be totally honest with you, who knows, you might get back together in the future. Good luck, I hope things work out for you in the future.

I think you've made a wise choice. Maybe it will be right to get back together in the future. Maybe not. But you've realised it's not right at the moment and done the right thing.

Hope you're feeling OK.

I think you've done the right thing. And you've handled it really well. Hats off to you.

He not only blamed you for his lie, but his ex and women in general?

Wow.

@MusicTeacherSussex

He not only blamed you for his lie, but his ex and women in general?

Wow.

This! Well done OP for having boundaries and sticking to them, I think you handled it really well.

@MusicTeacherSussex
He hadn’t lied though, he just didn’t tell me that he had given her his car.
Regardless it’s over now as a relationship so doesn’t really matter.

Your original post says it all. The overexplaining, the weirdness, and not telling you he had given his ex his car.

Be glad you're shot of him, he doesn't sound emotionally intelligent or trustworthy at all.

I'm sorry things have ended OP. I would never date a recently separated man again, and by recently I mean at least a couple of years. They still feel obligation to their wives, they are upset over not living with the children full time anymore. It takes a long, long time for that dust to settle.
At least it seems he didn't lie and there was nothing untoward going on, so perhaps in time you may rekindle things. Maybe it's a case of right person, wrong time.