Partner lied about being at work

[3u33y]

I think I just need handholding really.
I’ve been with my partner for 8 months- known each other for 2 years.
Never lived together- both have kids from previous marriages.
Always been a happy and healthy relationship until maybe 2 weeks ago he started acting really weird- not replying to messages, when I saw him he would over explain himself about where he had been etc ( for no reason).
We had a discussion and I explained that he ‘didn’t need to explain himself to me as I trust him and have no reason to question what he says to me’.
Until that point that statement was true but then one day last week he was messaging me about some stuff he was looking up on the internet. He works in a small building that I occasionally work in too as we work in the same industry and I happened to also have a meeting there that day. I noticed that his car wasn’t there, and as he was clearly on the internet and not working I messaged him saying ‘oh have u managed to get a day off you lucky thing’.
He replied ‘no I’m at work’ and a bit later ‘being naughty and using the work computer for personal use’.
I suddenly got this weird sinking feeling.
I have never had any reason to suspect him before but after he had been acting so strange I had this weird hunch.
When my meeting had finished I went to the car park and Jumped in my car- he was still messaging me as though he was at work but I knew if his car wasn’t there then he was unlikely to be there. He never doesn’t drive and is a creature of habit and always parks in his allocated space.
I m not proud of this but I had a feeling he was with his ex so I drove past her house-
His car was there.
I know the kids weren’t there as he had dropped them to school that morning.
I now don’t know what to do.
Do I ask him outright?
Am I acting like a deranged mental person?
I do have BPD though I have therapy and work really hard to not let it impact only relationship decisions.

I've been there op. It was all lies unfortunately.

I'm hoping that's not the case here but you do get a gut feeling about these things.

I think you've just got to tell him what you know tbh x

@TossCointoYerWitcher

Why didn't you just ask him at the time. When he said he was at work, you could have just said 'I'm in the car park I don't see your car' ?

I'd say its probably good that she didn't. If he is doing the dirty he would only have come up with a lame excuse and then taken things further underground. He needs to be given the rope to undeniably hang himself, as it were. Otherwise, it just gives him the opportunity to gaslight. As I quoted before, they "only cop to what they think you already know".

Or maybe there was a perfectly reasonable explanation? Just ask him OP you will know if he's bullshitting you or not. I don't mean to sound like a dick but life is to short for all the navel gazing & second guessing.

So you've seen him twice since then or have I read that wrong? He was at ex's Wed daytime and you saw him in the evening?

When you see him. Just say this to him:

On Wednesday I was working in X place, I walked in [small office] expecting to see you as you’d just messaged to say you were at work and being ‘naughty’ on the computers but you weren’t there.
It’s been bugging me for the last few days and so I feel I need to bring it up with you.

Then say nothing more. Wait to see what he says. Hopefully he’ll say “oh I was in work but I took the afternoon off (or whatever) to help the ex out with...
I’m sorry I didn’t mention it, it’s because...”

But if he lies to you and says he was working in a different building or something and he’s sorry he missed you. Then clarify that he was on site and say:
oh right did someone nap your usual parking spot then as I noticed your car wasn’t in the usual one as I was leaving and that also added to my uneasiness!

If he lies again, you can at that point tell him you know it’s all bullshit as you saw his car at his ex’s house on your way home plus he’s been behaving very odd recently, his behaviour has changed and so he can tell you the truth now.
Or you can simply ask him to leave as it doesn’t really matter what his explanation is, he’s lying to you.

Don’t get sidetracked into why you drove pas her house or the rights / wrongs of it. You can drive where you like. He’s the one not being truthful.

As someone who shagged their ex regularly for three years after we split up, I put it to you that
a) It's easy
b) It's familiar
c) It's fun
d) It scratches the itch.

Therefore, in your position, I'd be very suspicious.

@Maskedcrusader

Or maybe there was a perfectly reasonable explanation?
Just ask him OP you will know if he's bullshitting you or not. I don't mean to sound like a dick but life is to short for all the navel gazing & second guessing.

I do tend to agree, however I've been in the OP's shoes and seen it play out to a place where my worst fears were (eventually) proved true. Apologies, if you have too, however my experience taught me to get all my ducks in a row before making an accusation. The trouble with just raising something like the car before checking out the ex's house, is that a cheat will happily flannel you and the fact you love this person - that you want to trust them - means you'll often happily accept it. If there's anyway they can use plausible deniability, they will. They will use the fact you have - until now - seen them as a lovely, trustworthy person to their advantage. And, now knowing you almost rumbled them, they'll double-down to make damn sure they're not as sloppy again. And that only leads to more second-guessing, long term.

@Monkeypeas

When you see him. Just say this to him:

On Wednesday I was working in X place, I walked in [small office] expecting to see you as you’d just messaged to say you were at work and being ‘naughty’ on the computers but you weren’t there.
It’s been bugging me for the last few days and so I feel I need to bring it up with you.

Then say nothing more. Wait to see what he says. Hopefully he’ll say “oh I was in work but I took the afternoon off (or whatever) to help the ex out with...
I’m sorry I didn’t mention it, it’s because...”

But if he lies to you and says he was working in a different building or something and he’s sorry he missed you. Then clarify that he was on site and say:
oh right did someone nap your usual parking spot then as I noticed your car wasn’t in the usual one as I was leaving and that also added to my uneasiness!

If he lies again, you can at that point tell him you know it’s all bullshit as you saw his car at his ex’s house on your way home plus he’s been behaving very odd recently, his behaviour has changed and so he can tell you the truth now.
Or you can simply ask him to leave as it doesn’t really matter what his explanation is, he’s lying to you.

Don’t get sidetracked into why you drove pas her house or the rights / wrongs of it. You can drive where you like. He’s the one not being truthful.

Yep, this all the way! :D

@kursaalflyer
Yep saw him Wednesday night at a work thing and didn’t say a word, but I did ask him if we were ‘okay’. We had a cuppa later but I didn’t have a baby sitter as we have 10pm curfew in jock land so went home.

Friday I saw him again albeit very briefly and there were my colleagues about so I just kept it in and smiled.
It to every bit of my being to not just scream ‘I know you are lying to me’

Just a thought OP, could he have lent his car to his ex? Keep to the facts when you question him. He said he was at work but his car wasn't, where was the car?

I would ask your friend, tbh, before approaching him. There might be a really simple solution to this.

I would just say I was there too but didn't see his car? See what he says.

You have got to mention this really, or it's going to eat away at you.

@S0upertrooper I guess he could have but it’s just weird that he wouldn’t say.

Honestly I'd just ask him

I’m going to @HollowTalk

Yes ask your friend. And then you will know for sure.

@3u33y I'm confused about the relationship time line, in one post you said 'He was just moving into his own place when we met, was getting furniture and sorting out arrangements for the kids etc and was completely moved In (so I gathered) about 2 months later, we worked together for a year after we met before we dated so he was well established as a single man by then (or so I thought).'

And

'We got together (sort of) after Christmas. My ex left me while I was pregnant with our daughter so I was 💯 single, he was very newly separated, maybe just a month.'

These posts seem contradictory? The second post suggests a scenario where you could unknowingly be the OW but haven't known him long. The first sounds like everyone knew he was separated and clearly single?

One question was asking when we met and the other was asking when we got together.

When I met him he was newly single and I was already separated. We dated after a year of knowing one another. Sorry if I’ve made that confusing.

You definitely need to confront him. No need for the lies

So he was very newly seperated when you met 2 years ago and you were still with your DC father then and you were newly separated when you sort of got together at Christmas? The way the two facts are written in the second post sounds like he was newly separated when you got together.

I like Monkeypeas idea of how to confront him, though if it's possible he loaned his ex the car I think I'd check with my friend if he was actually not in that day. If you've been introduced to his kids (unless they're very little) I don't see how you could have been the other woman for all of your relationship, but maybe they're getting close or almost back together and he's told her you broke up.

Like the narrative, let him hang himself !

Yes love its def not u. You can do so much better. I was wanting to make sure you wasnt suicidal or anything as I know people who are emotionally unstable can go from 0 to suicidal cry quickly. I'm glad you are well and if u ever need to talk if you are struggling with the stress the samaritans can be very helpful. But you sound well :) I'd have it out with him via text x

I hope it's innocent.

I would ask him where he saw your relationship going,
Wait for a reply.
then say "So tell me why you need to lie about being at ex's house?"