Partner lied about being at work

[3u33y]

I think I just need handholding really.
I’ve been with my partner for 8 months- known each other for 2 years.
Never lived together- both have kids from previous marriages.
Always been a happy and healthy relationship until maybe 2 weeks ago he started acting really weird- not replying to messages, when I saw him he would over explain himself about where he had been etc ( for no reason).
We had a discussion and I explained that he ‘didn’t need to explain himself to me as I trust him and have no reason to question what he says to me’.
Until that point that statement was true but then one day last week he was messaging me about some stuff he was looking up on the internet. He works in a small building that I occasionally work in too as we work in the same industry and I happened to also have a meeting there that day. I noticed that his car wasn’t there, and as he was clearly on the internet and not working I messaged him saying ‘oh have u managed to get a day off you lucky thing’.
He replied ‘no I’m at work’ and a bit later ‘being naughty and using the work computer for personal use’.
I suddenly got this weird sinking feeling.
I have never had any reason to suspect him before but after he had been acting so strange I had this weird hunch.
When my meeting had finished I went to the car park and Jumped in my car- he was still messaging me as though he was at work but I knew if his car wasn’t there then he was unlikely to be there. He never doesn’t drive and is a creature of habit and always parks in his allocated space.
I m not proud of this but I had a feeling he was with his ex so I drove past her house-
His car was there.
I know the kids weren’t there as he had dropped them to school that morning.
I now don’t know what to do.
Do I ask him outright?
Am I acting like a deranged mental person?
I do have BPD though I have therapy and work really hard to not let it impact only relationship decisions.

Part of me is thinking though,
What if he walked to work that day and just left his car at her house?

@HopeAndDriftWood
He was just moving into his own place when we met, was getting furniture and sorting out arrangements for the kids etc and was completely moved In (so I gathered) about 2 months later, we worked together for a year after we met before we dated so he was well established as a single man by then (or so I thought.

Part of me is thinking though,
What if he walked to work that day and just left his car at her house?

Hmm... is that feasible ? And why would he leave his car at her house that particular day?

Part of me is thinking though,
What if he walked to work that day and just left his car at her house?

Would you believe him?

I think the best thing you can do is see him tonight, don't drop any hint that you need to talk or anything like that, and drop it into the conversation out of the blue, look him in the face and ask "why was your car outside your ex's on Wednesday? And why were you texting me telling me you were at work?".

I would know straight away whether my DH was lying. I'm sure you'll be able to tell.

Start by asking him a direct question...”do you ever see ex-mum of your children during the daytimes?”
Then you’ve established he is lying.

Then ask “so you’d not spend any time at hers in the daytime?”

Then ask “remember last Thursday when you said you was being naughty and using the work computer for personal stuff? Where were you?” Look him in the eye, make it clear he’s lied and you know. Let him squirm, then tell him it’s over.

Are you sure it was his flat he took you too? It could have been a friends place. Sorry sweetheart but I think you’ve been duped. Without knowing either of you, it does sound like you were his side chick.

First things first, find out if he’s a liar. Once you’ve established that he is, you can ignore everything he tells you.

Would he normally park outside her house and walk. I thought you said he always uses his allocated space. You will drive yourself potty going over and over what did or didnt happen. Just ask him. Whats the worst that could happen.

@MrsTwitcher
Correct, he doesn’t ever walk to work at least not in the 2 years that I’ve known him. I was just playing devils advocate in my own head.

I think you should have confronted him about it at the time when you saw his car. If you can't trust him then there's no point

Im think the worst case scenario is or my fear my fear is that I’m being completely mental, that he was innocently at her house and/ or actually at work and I’m going to lose him for being a deranged nut job when he’s really done nothing wrong. I do love him, I’m in love with him deeply, we’ve talked about more sleepovers this year with our kids and working towards becoming a blended family. He calls me ‘the best thing that’s ever happened to me’.
The worst that can happen is that I lose a man that truly loves me because I’ve been a crazy bunny boiler and checked up on him.

You've only been an item with this man for five minutes and you weren't long separated. What exactly were you hoping for from this relationship? If you've had fun for a few months, that is good but it doesn't mean you are going to live happily ever after.

I get that you feel upset about him lying to you. Maybe he had a good reason for going to his ex's house but knew what your reaction would be.

In your place I'd cool it. Just put it down to experience, maybe in a year or so when/if he is divorced you can rekindle, otherwise move on. Be independent and next time you start going out with a fella, don't be so keen to make it a committed relationship. It can be good being single.

Why would he leave his car at his ex's? You know he dropped his children to school that morning. So you're saying that there is a possibility that he dropped his children at school, drove back to his ex wife's house, left his car there and then walked to work.

You've got to admit that doesn't sound remotely plausible.

Just say you didn't see his car at work car park.
See if he tells you it was at his ex's.
Innocent observation.

See what he says first.

Perhaps it was easier to "white lie" doesn't necessarily mean he is back with ex.

Just say you didn't see his car at work car park.

Yes - this is a good plan actually. If it was there at his ex's innocently he will tell you.

If not the conversation should go like this.

You: Hey I didn't see your car at work that day...

Him: Yeah it was at the garage having an MOT...

You: You're dumped.

@jessstan1
It’s not been ‘5’ mins it’s been 8/9 months,and I’ve known him longer than that. I didn’t enter this relationship expecting it to be forever but it has certainly developed to that stage, at least I thought it was. We have allowed our children to meet and planned a holiday together etc, that’s not just ‘messing about, having fun’ unless you see that as flippantly having fun to get kids involved with no intentions of a relationship becoming serious.

@Clymene
Your absolutely right, reading back what u just said it sounds completely rediculous.
I’m just trying to see it from his side before I make assumptions.
You have made that clear for me though. It’s very very unlikely that he has done that.

Come on OP, he didn't leave his car at his ex's and walk to work. No reason for that whatsoever. I'd do what above poster said, just to see what he says.

You aren't mad and trust your gut on this one. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck

Im think the worst case scenario is or my fear my fear is that I’m being completely mental, that he was innocently at her house and/ or actually at work and I’m going to lose him for being a deranged nut job when he’s really done nothing wrong.

No stop on that first point.

It doesn't matter if he was 'innocently' there. The problem here and the reason you should dump him is that he treated you like a fool and with total disrespect - sitting there, perhaps with her seeing what he's messaging - the 'oh I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea' shit is also not an excuse - he's DISHONEST. Never never ever stay with someone who will lie to your face for any reason, including and perhaps especially for an easier life.

He's a dishonest liar.

He could well be messing around with his ex, but it's possibly more likely that he just felt it was easier to lie to you than tell you - what? That actually he's still quite entwined with his ex and likes hanging out there/feels it's still his home/still does stuff like putting up shelves?

It doesn't matter. Don't stay with someone who will look you in the face and lie to you because you cannot have a good relationship with someone whose mind works like that.

I'm sorry, 3u33y, I didn't mean to offend but eight months isn't very long - some would say not long enough to have got your children together - even if you had been friendly beforehand. Especially so if you had recently come out of relationships. People are particularly vulnerable then and on the rebound.

I wonder how you have managed during lockdown.

All you can do is ask him outright. A bit of plain speaking is needed here; he must explain why he lied and how he sees your relationship progressing. Talk frankly and listen.

Good luck.

Just ask him outright, face-to-face "why were you at your ex's on _day?" You might surprise an honest reaction out of him.

I'm sorry OP, I know it's probably difficult to trust your instincts when you have your diagnosis, but it sounds like you've been picking up on his guilty behaviours.

You weren't trying to police him - it just happened to be that you were working where he should have been and caught him in a lie. You haven't done anything to feel wrong about.

In all honesty, it's better to find out now he's untrustworthy than let it go any further.

I would ask him how work was on "day he was missing"

How was "ask about someone in work"

But I know you weren't there....'head tilt stare at him

Where were you?

Mmm... you know where his car was, you don't absolutely know for certain he was with it. Suppose he went round to pick kids up from ex's, car wouldn't start, walked them round to school/borrowed ex's car to drop them and then walked to work...? It may not be likely but it is just about possible.

If it turns out he is indeed lying, absolutely ditch.

@3u33y please stop beating yourself up and tying yourself in knots. He has lied to you. Can't even say his car was in for mot because you saw it outside his exes with your own eyes. You are not being 'mental'.

Listen, whatever you do you've got this. You are worth so much more than this x

And yep I'd probably ask him outright too. But - only if I had already completely sorted out in my own head how I was going to reply and what I wanted. For me, it would be 'we're over, sorry.'

So you could have him over as usual, don't put him on the alert - and then just drop it on him. 'I know you were at X's on X day, while you were messaging me telling me you were at work using the computers there. Why did you lie to me?' (note: not 'why were you there' - don't even give him a smidgen to throw back at you).

He'll either actually answer you in shock or start the blustering and hysteria 'Because I knew you'd accuse me like you're doing now/didn't want you to get the wrong idea' - and this is the point you say 'No. No you didn't. You lied to me because it was easier for you and because you have no respect for me and because you're dishonest. I've not even asked you why you were there because it doesn't matter to me - what matters is that you're not honest, and I can't carry on a relationship with someone like that. So, I'm out. Bye.' And you open the front door!

But surely a breakdown is the sort of thing you'd mention when you're messaging someone throughout the day?

Could he have been there discussing the children? Christmas arrangements?

Yes I know it’s not ideal he lied about where he was but there could be a reasonable reason to why he was there apart from he is still with her/sleeping with her They do have children together and in the midst of a divorce.

Chat to him tonight, hope it goes ok.