Partner lied about being at work

[3u33y]

I think I just need handholding really.
I’ve been with my partner for 8 months- known each other for 2 years.
Never lived together- both have kids from previous marriages.
Always been a happy and healthy relationship until maybe 2 weeks ago he started acting really weird- not replying to messages, when I saw him he would over explain himself about where he had been etc ( for no reason).
We had a discussion and I explained that he ‘didn’t need to explain himself to me as I trust him and have no reason to question what he says to me’.
Until that point that statement was true but then one day last week he was messaging me about some stuff he was looking up on the internet. He works in a small building that I occasionally work in too as we work in the same industry and I happened to also have a meeting there that day. I noticed that his car wasn’t there, and as he was clearly on the internet and not working I messaged him saying ‘oh have u managed to get a day off you lucky thing’.
He replied ‘no I’m at work’ and a bit later ‘being naughty and using the work computer for personal use’.
I suddenly got this weird sinking feeling.
I have never had any reason to suspect him before but after he had been acting so strange I had this weird hunch.
When my meeting had finished I went to the car park and Jumped in my car- he was still messaging me as though he was at work but I knew if his car wasn’t there then he was unlikely to be there. He never doesn’t drive and is a creature of habit and always parks in his allocated space.
I m not proud of this but I had a feeling he was with his ex so I drove past her house-
His car was there.
I know the kids weren’t there as he had dropped them to school that morning.
I now don’t know what to do.
Do I ask him outright?
Am I acting like a deranged mental person?
I do have BPD though I have therapy and work really hard to not let it impact only relationship decisions.

Why wouldn't he just say, "Oh working from my ex's today as one of the kids are sick - it's easier to care for them here"? He was pretending to be at work while he was actually at her house - there's no good reason for that.

The only thing is if you are normally incredibly jealous and hate him going anywhere near her house - then if he's just gone to fix something there he might not want you to know.

They were shagging while kids were at school.

@HollowTalk
No I’m not jealous, I’ve always been really positive about him having a relationship with her because of the kids. I want the kids to be happy and feel okay that we are together. I coparent too and I understand that it’s important. I would have had a problem at all with him being there, if he had not lied about it and he knows I don’t have a problem with it.

That's what I thought, OP. So if you don't have a problem with his ex, then he has deliberately lied to you about where he was. I would be suspecting the worst and getting rid.

I think you should just ask him. All this buggeration is silly.

"Jim I saw your car outside your exes house but you told me you were at work. Now, of course, I'm reading all kinds of things into this. What's going on?"

Don't "get rid" on a suspicion ffs. A suspicion?! Jesus. Innocent until proven guilty eh?

Innocent until proven guilty applies to criminal justice, not personal relationships. If she doesn't trust him, she doesn't have a future with him.

He clearly stated that he was at work. That's a big lie and one that would mean the end if he was my DP, let alone his car being at his ex's. Together with him being odd the past couple of weeks I think you know that this is the end.

Regardless, once trust is gone, it's very difficult to get back.

Id ask him about it directly, but once the trust is gone, it's mighty hard to get back. He lied about this, what else has he lied about

I can't see any plausible good reason he was at her house if he was specifically pretending to be at work. There could be so many legitimate reasons to be at her house, but none of them would make it plausible to pretend to be at work. Something isn't right here, I don't know what, but anyone who pretends to be somewhere they're not can't be trusted.

@YoniAndGuy

Im think the worst case scenario is or my fear my fear is that I’m being completely mental, that he was innocently at her house and/ or actually at work and I’m going to lose him for being a deranged nut job when he’s really done nothing wrong.

No stop on that first point.

It doesn't matter if he was 'innocently' there. The problem here and the reason you should dump him is that he treated you like a fool and with total disrespect - sitting there, perhaps with her seeing what he's messaging - the 'oh I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea' shit is also not an excuse - he's DISHONEST. Never never ever stay with someone who will lie to your face for any reason, including and perhaps especially for an easier life.

He's a dishonest liar.

He could well be messing around with his ex, but it's possibly more likely that he just felt it was easier to lie to you than tell you - what? That actually he's still quite entwined with his ex and likes hanging out there/feels it's still his home/still does stuff like putting up shelves?

It doesn't matter. Don't stay with someone who will look you in the face and lie to you because you cannot have a good relationship with someone whose mind works like that.

^ I'd second this OP. Little White Lies are one thing, pretending to be somewhere else when you're with your ex is another.

If you do confront him, make a note of his reaction. Be prepared for DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim-Offender - more here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO) if he has got something to hide. My ex was one of the most mild-mannered people you could meet, yet the sheer look of absolute fury they threw my way when I confronted them about something that didn't add up and they had to come clean, still unnerves me to this day. Read this too, so if it happens you'll know what your dealing with: www.chumplady.com/2018/03/mindfuckery-reverse-victim-offender

Chances are, if reacts with fury or defensiveness, there's defnitely more going on. So it might actually be better to probe a bit first, rather than come out with an accusation right now. Again, from ChumpLady, the first of her advice of "what not to do" when you potentially uncover deceit:

1. Do not confront your cheater until you’ve gathered evidence. Most cheaters will lie and gaslight you unless you catch them dead to rights, and even then they usually only cop to what they think you already know. If you confront them before you have the evidence, there’s a good chance they’ll take the affair more underground. Put all your evidence in a safe place (preferably a lawyer’s office in a fault divorce state). Never reveal your sources.

Full advice here. Good luck and don't forget you've a lot of support on this Board. :)

Apologies, full advice here: www.chumplady.com/2012/05/what-not-to-do/ (forgot the link)

It is that you have sensed something was off lately, plus the car, not the car issue on its own. I smell a rat too.
I would tell him I find him a bit more distant lately, wait for answer. And then tell him you looked for his car the other day and could not find it. You happened to be there and wanted to say hi. See how he reacts. You need to be face to face.
Do not say you saw his car at his exs. See if he says the truth.
No truth, I would call it quits OP.

My bet is they are not together but still shagging why else would he be there while the kids at school and his lied ?

Playing devil's advocate here, but is there any chance she borrowed his car? That he really was working in the building while his car was at her home? Someone even mentioned that perhaps his car didn't start and she dropped him at work.

I admit all of it together doesn't look good. I'm very insecure, so I usually think that in a situation like this, someone is cheating. But I think you need all the information before you end the relationship.

Some other PPs have given you good advice. The smart thing to do is tell him you had a meeting in the building and noticed while he was texting you that his car wasn't there. Then wait. Let him fill the silence. See if he tells you where he/his car were. There's a chance it's completely innocent and you won't have to tell him you saw his car there. I know this is all unlikely, but give him enough rope....

I have a friend that may know if he was/wasn’t there- wondering if I should ask her if he was in work?

He's lying to you, and I couldn't be with someone who is blatantly lying (and easily too, by the sounds of it).

If he were having talks with his ex about the divorce or the kids, surely he could tell you? Why hide it and lie about where he's been?

I wouldn't be able to trust him OP, sorry - it would be over for me.

When you say you have bpd. Do u suffer more with the emotionally unstable element. Are you safe right now, do u feel okay. Hope your ok x

I couldn't date a liar and sounds like he is lying whether its because he is cheating or not i don't know but i couldn't be in a relationship him.

I wouldn't be going to your friend etc etc that's just bringing too much drama into it. Just ask him outright why he lied, Why he was at his Ex's house.

Doubt he has a great excuse atleast for the lying part.

Why didn't you just ask him at the time. When he said he was at work, you could have just said 'I'm in the car park I don't see your car' ?

@Christmasfairy2020
I have it diagnosed with bipolar but it has been under control for years. I actually spoke to the MH nurse on Friday to see if I was seeking out abandonment signs that weren’t there, she’s said she didn’t think so. I have been taking my meds and attending therapy and none of the professionals that I work with have noticed anything wrong- at least if they did that haven’t told me. If I was poorly ( and when I get poorly It usually affects all my relationships not just one) I’m not presenting with my usual symptoms

It's not you, it's him. You sound completely rational. Don't blame this on your MH, and certainly do not let him do so.

@Maskedcrusader
I don’t know, I was just upset and felt numb. The only thing I could think of was ‘I bet he’s at his ex’s house’ and just drove there. I then just sat in my car crying.
I saw him Wednesday night and briefly Friday avo and didn’t say a word. Just kept calm.

Why didn't you just ask him at the time. When he said he was at work, you could have just said 'I'm in the car park I don't see your car' ?

I'd say its probably good that she didn't. If he is doing the dirty he would only have come up with a lame excuse and then taken things further underground. He needs to be given the rope to undeniably hang himself, as it were. Otherwise, it just gives him the opportunity to gaslight. As I quoted before, they "only cop to what they think you already know".