His "best friend" was horrible to me!

[hillarypcof]

Earlier this year (pre-lockdown) I met a great guy. The relationship has flourished, surviving what is now TWO lockdowns, making a great effort to see each other and show our affection in creative ways when Boris said otherwise. I have never met anybody like him; he makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world - so secure, confident and happy.

However - there is one problem.
Before the second lockdown and pre-tighter restrictions my boyfriend suggested that he, myself and his best friend get together for a meal. I thought this would be a great idea, as I love a night out at the best of times, and thought it would be amazing to meet the guy he speaks so highly of as his "best friend". I thought if we could all get along, this would just make our relationship even better.

Well - I went along to said meal and it was horrific. The "best friend" was literally horrible to me, making insulting remarks about my skin (acne is something I have struggled with since my teens), and even openly saying to my boyfriend (in front of me!!) comments which compared me to XXXX's previous girlfriends (both on a physical level and a "performance" level!)!!! I was mortified.
To rub salt in the wounds, my boyfriend said or did nothing to stop these remarks. He wasn't encouraging them, but he didn't discourage them either. He sat back and let them continue. They continued for a the best part of 2 hours, until we got the bill and went home. (My boyfriend and I don't live together)

I felt sick. It was 2 hours of what I could only describe as relentless bullying - these comments just didn't stop!

Looking back I'm not sure how I managed to sit through the entire meal - but I did.

It raised so many questions. It has made me question everything I thought I had with this guy. By not saying anything, was my boyfriend complicit in these remarks? How ON EARTH does he regard this guy as his best mate!? I know for a fact if it were the other way around, and my friends had been making such comments to XXXX, then I would have nipped them in the bud there and then.
Do I ignore it, or should it raise red flags about my boyfriend?

The day after the meal I told my boyfriend how it made me feel, and all he said that it was his mate's idea of "banter" and that he was "only having a laugh" .... the thing is, nobody was laughing!!!

Your BF is horrible, you should dump him. What’s the point in having a partner who hasn’t got your back?!

Oh love, this is going to be really difficult to get past. Your boyfriend has revealed how him and his mates view women. By not stopping his friend he is showing that he agrees with him. Judge a person by their friends.

Hmmm. Have you got a close female friend who could be equally rude to your newish OH on your behalf?
Sometimes I think people only understand things when they actually face them themselves.
New OH needs to know his crap mate made you feel shit. Maybe get creative how you do this.
Is his mate just jealous of a new GF stealing his mate away?? Ramp it up to annoy the arsehole if so!!!
Good luck.

It would be a deal breaker for me, people normally reflect the close people they are friends with, totally rubbish of your boyfriend not to intervene with his friends cruel remarks. Perhaps there's a side to your boyfriend you haven't noticed or overlooked, it would worry be greatly if he could allow that to happen.

You should have left. If there's ever a next time where someone is doing this to you, don't be afraid to "make a scene" by just leaving. Just fuck off home, don't tolerate this kind of treatment.

I'd dump your bf too.

Nope, not good enough. You would not let anyone else be treated in this way so do not let them treat you this way. I say them. Your boyfriend is as bad for not saying anything. Sorry op, this is a really shit way to have been treated.

This is truly awful. Your boyfriend allowed these comments to go on for 2 hours and didn't stop his friend. What kind of boyfriend would allow this ? You deserve much better than this.

If he let his mate treat you like this he's trash get rid

Why the hell didn't you call it a night.
Your boyfriend hadn't got your back so you let someone carry on insulting you?
I wouldnt bother playing silly games to 'see how he likes it' That is not grown up behaviour. Instead I'd be telling him to do one!!!
I've dumped blokes for far less.
Banter my arse!!

Your boyfriend is a shit. Dump him.

Dump, immediately. He’s not a keeper.

Thank you all so much.
I know, if I could do it all over again I would have made a scene (and then some!!!!) and called it a night.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I guess I wanted to sit it out and stick by my boyfriend that night.... why, I don't know, because he didn't havemy back!

The worst part is that he says this "mate" is going to be his choice of best man whenever he gets married.
If that is the case then I will not be the Mrs!!

Some of the comments which were made really played on some of the insecurities I've worked so hard to get better at dealing with. After that 1 night I felt like I was back to Square One!

A partner has your back and doesn't allow his friends to ridicule or bully you. Saying it's just a joke or banter is the lamest excuse for bad behaviour there is, it puts the blame on you for having no sense of humour.
Dump him, he isn't worth your time.

Boyfriend is a coward at best and complicit at worst. So I don't think there is much more milage in this relationship. I imagine he will cool things off himself now his awful best friend has pointed out all your flaws. You are and can do, so much better than them. Dump him and his banter.
If this ever happens again, and I hope it doesn't , please get up and leave them with a dignified 'I don't need to put up with this bullying'. Don't be placated back to the table either. He needs to come and apologise to you properly. Leave them with the bill preferably or throw some notes at them too. Doesn't need to be dramatic just firm and factual.
Take care of yourself now.

My boyfriend even said to me "I'm in a crap situation where my best friend and my girlfriend don't get along" .... umm, your "friend" has made it like this!!!!
I was willing to get along with his friends as that would be great fun going forward, but this mate in particular ruined that one!

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments 💕
I was starting to go mad in my own thoughts and wondered if I was being unreasonable for feeling this way!

@hillarypcof

My boyfriend even said to me "I'm in a crap situation where my best friend and my girlfriend don't get along" .... umm, your "friend" has made it like this!!!! I was willing to get along with his friends as that would be great fun going forward, but this mate in particular ruined that one!

Does that mean it's happened before do you think?

I'd wonder if that meant previous girlfriend(s) have had issues with this prick of a best mate

Judge others by the company they keep

Seems like your boyfriends moral compass is a little off. I would end it to be honest

It would be a huge red flag if my partner allowed someone to insult me. I’d have it out with them for one thing and they’d need a very convincing reason why this person was their friend at all. Personally, I don’t think this bodes at all well - I’d be off down the road for some pleasanter company.

There would gave been no need to have made a scene Op. Just made your excuses and left. However hopefully there will be no next time, certainly with this chap.
He's not got your back. He knows what was said was hurtful. He knows he could have stopped and done so without falling out with his mate, but he didn't. That's a shithead, not a decent bloke

I could solve his problem.

Dump him. Then he won't be in this crap situation any longer. He's not a keeper in any way.

Yeah you should dump him
If his mate says that in front of you then what does he say without you?

I don't know how you were able to tolerate two hours OP! I'd have left, punched him or gone for subtle quips like "I've heard worse from far better", "I love how you don't care how you come across" or "I love how you feel confident enough to open your mouth..." I find as their small brains mull these comments over they get derailed but on a serious note. It isn't banter and any bf worth his salt would have nipped that in the bud!!

I dumped 2 friends for this , the relentless banter was just an excuse for him to be rude & insulting & if you didn’t laugh along it was because you didn’t have a sense of humour. It’s just a form of bullying. Life’s too short for this, spend your time with people who are nice to you.

That sounds miserable. If your boyfriend is happy to sit by and watch you be bullied he will never have your back when it counts. No matter how good the relationship has been now you know he is weak and when it counts. I'm sure you deserve better.