His "best friend" was horrible to me!

[hillarypcof]

Earlier this year (pre-lockdown) I met a great guy. The relationship has flourished, surviving what is now TWO lockdowns, making a great effort to see each other and show our affection in creative ways when Boris said otherwise. I have never met anybody like him; he makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world - so secure, confident and happy.

However - there is one problem.
Before the second lockdown and pre-tighter restrictions my boyfriend suggested that he, myself and his best friend get together for a meal. I thought this would be a great idea, as I love a night out at the best of times, and thought it would be amazing to meet the guy he speaks so highly of as his "best friend". I thought if we could all get along, this would just make our relationship even better.

Well - I went along to said meal and it was horrific. The "best friend" was literally horrible to me, making insulting remarks about my skin (acne is something I have struggled with since my teens), and even openly saying to my boyfriend (in front of me!!) comments which compared me to XXXX's previous girlfriends (both on a physical level and a "performance" level!)!!! I was mortified.
To rub salt in the wounds, my boyfriend said or did nothing to stop these remarks. He wasn't encouraging them, but he didn't discourage them either. He sat back and let them continue. They continued for a the best part of 2 hours, until we got the bill and went home. (My boyfriend and I don't live together)

I felt sick. It was 2 hours of what I could only describe as relentless bullying - these comments just didn't stop!

Looking back I'm not sure how I managed to sit through the entire meal - but I did.

It raised so many questions. It has made me question everything I thought I had with this guy. By not saying anything, was my boyfriend complicit in these remarks? How ON EARTH does he regard this guy as his best mate!? I know for a fact if it were the other way around, and my friends had been making such comments to XXXX, then I would have nipped them in the bud there and then.
Do I ignore it, or should it raise red flags about my boyfriend?

The day after the meal I told my boyfriend how it made me feel, and all he said that it was his mate's idea of "banter" and that he was "only having a laugh" .... the thing is, nobody was laughing!!!

If you’re not going to dump him outright, how about meeting some of his other friends? Organise video dinners, or something similar, if that’s all that’s possible at the moment.

You’ll get a better sense of who he is, and if Foul Fred is typical of the friends’ group or an unfortunate aberration. If you get on well with them, your boyfriend will see the problem doesn’t rest with you? You can also ask the friends about Foul Fred, once you get to know them a bit. It’s possible they don’t find him so charming either.

They're both trash. The friend for being such a disrespectful arsehole and the boyfriend for refusing to have your back and making what was a shitty situation for you now about him.

He's not worth it. I'd dump him for someone with a better sense of humour since his (and his friends) banter is so shit.

The day after the meal I told my boyfriend how it made me feel, and all he said that it was his mate's idea of "banter" and that he was "only having a laugh" .... the thing is, nobody was laughing!!

It's cold hard bullying... he was a horrible cunt and your supposed 'nice' boyfriend did fuck all.. then he gas lighted you about it...

please do not consider a future with this horrible prick.,, he's not someone I'd have in my life...

your boyfriend was completely complicit in this humiliation OP.. then undermined your distress.... remember that. .. and imagine a future with someone this vile ...

end it Lady 🌺

The best friend sounds like a vile jerk. But your boyfriend isn’t innocent as he didn’t his mate to cut it out. I’d be wary of carrying on my relationship with him.

Tell him that banter is only banter if both parties are complicit in the fun.

His best friend belittled and insulted you for two hours and it's unacceptable. He's going to find it hard to find a woman to marry if he refuses to tell his mate to back off slagging them off.

It's rude, aggressive, territorial idiot behaviour and you don't have to accept it.

You can stay with your bloke if you like him, but you need to make it clear he owes you an apology and his friend owes you an apology before you'll ever meet him again.

If he can't hack that then sadly, it's curtains.

Sounds like a plot to get you to dump him, don't know if it was the friend alone who hates his mate being in a relationship or a cowards was of having a breakup.

Dump him and make it very clear why you are doing it

Not acceptable at all.

Why aren’t you ending it?

This guy has let his friend bully you over your appearance and has let it happen. He should be protecting you and backing you.

He clearly doesn’t feel the same way as you and for that you deserve a lot more.

Performance level......what an absolute cringey arsehole. There’s no situation on earth where it is acceptable to sit back and let your girlfriend be insulted like that, and then claim you ‘don’t get on.’

It must be hard if you’re really into the boyfriend, but surely that’s such a turn off isn’t it? The fact that he just sat back and listened to his ‘future best man’ insulting his girlfriend’s skin?

It's your boyfriends behaviour which should leave a horrible taste in your mouth. He sat there and let him disrespect you, I'd bin him off as he's a coward and an enabler. You also need to learn to stick up for yourself too

Also, you say he makes you feel confident. How confident did you feel when he sat back letting his friend tell you how much better looking his ex was?

They are both disgusting people. You'd be crazy to have anything to do with your boyfriend after this.

The friend is very rude and extremely bad mannered. Why did you sit there for 2 hour - saying nothing? Why didn't you tell him to shut up or why didn't you just leave?

Text him 'it is clear that your best friend has unrequited feelings for you and I believe you probably feel the same, wishing you both the best of luck and happiness in the future' if you can a little rainbow emoji at the end to finish that would be perfect.
Doesn't matter if it isn't true, neither will be able to stand at a urinal together again

Is this the kind of man you see yourself with in the future? One who is under his mates thumb and sits back watching you being mocked?
What a catch!

You have all the information you need. Your boyfriend is not prepared to treat you with respect. He sounds like a nasty little woman-hater. Bullying a female dismissed as 'bants'. You can bet your bottom dollar he wouldn't subject a male friend to that treatment.

I very much doubt his friend's behaviour came as any kind of surprise to him. I'd wager other women have been subjected to this nasty little routine. Some women may have even hung around to put up with it.

You are worth much better.

Those stupid comments are not worth your consideration. File them under 'not worth my attention'

I'd be suggesting that his so called mate is clearly trying to sabotage your relationship.

If he can't see that and support you then he isn't a decent or loyal partner.
If he wants be alone forever then he can stick with his mate.
You can't rely on him.

LTB he is a spineless coward.

and even openly saying to my boyfriend (in front of me!!) comments which compared me to XXXX's previous girlfriends (both on a physical level and a "performance" level!)!!! I was mortified

Does performance level mean what I think it means?

I was in the situation. The "best" friend is long gone 👍

@Ophelia2020 Indeed, it does...! Appalling, right?

@TiddyTid that is interesting. How did you broach the subject with your partner? I've had visions of having an "it's me or him" conversation/lecture!

Your boyfriend hasn't got your back.
He won't have your back in future situations.
You know this. He is weak and self serving. I am sorry.

Thank you all so much.

The reason I haven't said anything seriously since to my boyfriend is because I guess I was gaslighted into thinking that I was being unreasonable.
After all, it was downplayed as "banter"!!!!

But you have all made me realise that I am perfectly justified in feeling how I do, and I need to have a serious think about where to go from here x

The reason I haven't said anything seriously since to my boyfriend is because I guess I was gaslighted into thinking that I was being unreasonable.

^^ that alone should have you running for the hills!