His "best friend" was horrible to me!

[hillarypcof]

Earlier this year (pre-lockdown) I met a great guy. The relationship has flourished, surviving what is now TWO lockdowns, making a great effort to see each other and show our affection in creative ways when Boris said otherwise. I have never met anybody like him; he makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world - so secure, confident and happy.

However - there is one problem.
Before the second lockdown and pre-tighter restrictions my boyfriend suggested that he, myself and his best friend get together for a meal. I thought this would be a great idea, as I love a night out at the best of times, and thought it would be amazing to meet the guy he speaks so highly of as his "best friend". I thought if we could all get along, this would just make our relationship even better.

Well - I went along to said meal and it was horrific. The "best friend" was literally horrible to me, making insulting remarks about my skin (acne is something I have struggled with since my teens), and even openly saying to my boyfriend (in front of me!!) comments which compared me to XXXX's previous girlfriends (both on a physical level and a "performance" level!)!!! I was mortified.
To rub salt in the wounds, my boyfriend said or did nothing to stop these remarks. He wasn't encouraging them, but he didn't discourage them either. He sat back and let them continue. They continued for a the best part of 2 hours, until we got the bill and went home. (My boyfriend and I don't live together)

I felt sick. It was 2 hours of what I could only describe as relentless bullying - these comments just didn't stop!

Looking back I'm not sure how I managed to sit through the entire meal - but I did.

It raised so many questions. It has made me question everything I thought I had with this guy. By not saying anything, was my boyfriend complicit in these remarks? How ON EARTH does he regard this guy as his best mate!? I know for a fact if it were the other way around, and my friends had been making such comments to XXXX, then I would have nipped them in the bud there and then.
Do I ignore it, or should it raise red flags about my boyfriend?

The day after the meal I told my boyfriend how it made me feel, and all he said that it was his mate's idea of "banter" and that he was "only having a laugh" .... the thing is, nobody was laughing!!!

Any decent man would not sit back and let that happen. Your boyfriend is a spineless wimp or perhaps he enjoyed watching his mate tear you to pieces. They're a pair of nasty twats.

I think my DH would've punched him in the face. Dump!!!

There is definitely a state of affairs - touched on in Gavin and Stacey - where a single best friend undermines a new relationship so they can have their partner in crime back. I’d honestly end it and warn him his best mate does not have his best interests at heart.

It’s all so disrespectful but to comment on your performance is below the line! I would have promptly left the table and your BF definitely would of said something to his best mate.

I don’t know what to advise OP other than not meeting up with his friend ever again!

Your boyfriend happily sat back and let his ‘mate’ berate you in public. Your boyfriend either sees nothing wrong with mates behaviour or he is intimidated, perhaps scared of him? Even so, he allowed you to be belittled, to feel small and unworthy.
Personally I would end the relationship now before you develop serious feelings. Sit him down and calmly spell out the reasons why you are doing so. How he responds to you will give an indication of the person he is.

comments which compared me to XXXX's previous girlfriends (both on a physical level and a "performance" level!)!

I missed this when I read it, till another pp mentioned it.

This means your BF discusses the performance of his GFs with his mates and compares them.

His mate is an idiot, but your BF has given him the green light to do this. I'd also hazard a guess this isn't the first time this has happened, because your BF wasn't even surprised by it...it's like he's used to his mate slagging off his GFs. It feels like a sick joke between the 2 of them tbh.

How can he as a normal, fully functioning adult with any decency think that what his friend did was acceptable 🤔
A half decent person...even if they didn't say anything at the time, would have apologised for the hurtful comments from his idiot mate, but it was left for you to raise it.

The both of them lack emotional intelligence and any form of humanity...I despise bullies.

Would be think it was banter if a child of his was being spoken to like this?

The fact that you stayed there and are even asking if it's a leads me to believe you low self esteem and confidence...and perhaps feel somewhat grateful to have him as a BF.

This incident just showed you what kind of man your bf actually is instead of what he has been painting his image for you.
Like pp said, judge a person by their friends especially beast friends!!

Best* friend not beast! though it works fine in this case!

Exactly what @Postmanbear says.

You can also tell a lot about a person by the company they keep, and why tf had your boyfriend been discussing your 'performance'??

Yes the friend is an arsehole no question but seriously I don't think you know your boyfriends real character at all, and I'm surprised that you aren't questioning that.

Don't worry about hindsight. You reacted as a lot of polite, normal people would have done - ie not having a clue how to react to an absolute arsehole.

If I were you I would email/message something along these lines:

Hi X,
Not an easy message to send here. Since the meal with Twat, you've probably realised I've been a bit quiet, and that's because after your initial response to how upset I was by it, I've taken a bit of time to think things through.
I'm not going to continue with our relationship. I'm sure you'll want closure on why, and I'm not interested in having a real time discussion as I can only imagine it will be a long series of justifications which to be honest will only make me think even less of you, so let's not. Here goes:

• I've never, ever been spoken to or about like that in my life. Your best friend is an absolute steaming bellend, a genuinely horrible person. I've come to the conclusion that if you honestly value and rate this guy, or anyone that could treat a stranger with such appalling rudeness and nastiness, then you're not the kind of guy I want in my life. Not interested in justifications - my opinion, my experience with this guy, is what matters here.
• You didn't have my back. No more to be said. You're ok with a 'friend' - or anyone - speaking to your partner like that? Then my advice is to get used to staying single. No one with any self respect will ever be ok with their partner sitting back and letting them get ripped to shreds.
• Your spineless justifying afterwards. Whining to me that you're in a bad place as 'your gf and best friend don't get on'? Err no. Your so-called best friend did it all himself, and you know it. I'm nice, I came to the meal to be polite, friendly and have a good time. You know this. So I've come to the conclusion that I don't want a spineless guy who will turn a problem back on me and make things out to be my fault when I've done nothing wrong. No time for that, thanks.

So - I'm out. You probably don't want my advice, but it's definitely to ditch your appalling twat of a best friend and find some honesty and loyalty. Best of luck, and I'm happy to read a reply but I won't be engaging - I've said what I needed to, and no, I don't owe you a thing after that most unpleasant meal.

Best , X'

@YoniAndGuy

Don't worry about hindsight. You reacted as a lot of polite, normal people would have done - ie not having a clue how to react to an absolute arsehole.

If I were you I would email/message something along these lines:

Hi X,
Not an easy message to send here. Since the meal with Twat, you've probably realised I've been a bit quiet, and that's because after your initial response to how upset I was by it, I've taken a bit of time to think things through.
I'm not going to continue with our relationship. I'm sure you'll want closure on why, and I'm not interested in having a real time discussion as I can only imagine it will be a long series of justifications which to be honest will only make me think even less of you, so let's not. Here goes:

• I've never, ever been spoken to or about like that in my life. Your best friend is an absolute steaming bellend, a genuinely horrible person. I've come to the conclusion that if you honestly value and rate this guy, or anyone that could treat a stranger with such appalling rudeness and nastiness, then you're not the kind of guy I want in my life. Not interested in justifications - my opinion, my experience with this guy, is what matters here.
• You didn't have my back. No more to be said. You're ok with a 'friend' - or anyone - speaking to your partner like that? Then my advice is to get used to staying single. No one with any self respect will ever be ok with their partner sitting back and letting them get ripped to shreds.
• Your spineless justifying afterwards. Whining to me that you're in a bad place as 'your gf and best friend don't get on'? Err no. Your so-called best friend did it all himself, and you know it. I'm nice, I came to the meal to be polite, friendly and have a good time. You know this. So I've come to the conclusion that I don't want a spineless guy who will turn a problem back on me and make things out to be my fault when I've done nothing wrong. No time for that, thanks.

So - I'm out. You probably don't want my advice, but it's definitely to ditch your appalling twat of a best friend and find some honesty and loyalty. Best of luck, and I'm happy to read a reply but I won't be engaging - I've said what I needed to, and no, I don't owe you a thing after that most unpleasant meal.

Best , X'

All of this!

This happened to me as well OP. However, I gave it back to the guy and was pretty sarcastic to him. We've ended up friends somehow. This guy is like it with everyone, apparently. My partner told him to stop it as well.

I would feel less respect for him not having stood up for me at all.

@YoniAndGuy

Don't worry about hindsight. You reacted as a lot of polite, normal people would have done - ie not having a clue how to react to an absolute arsehole.

If I were you I would email/message something along these lines:

Hi X,
Not an easy message to send here. Since the meal with Twat, you've probably realised I've been a bit quiet, and that's because after your initial response to how upset I was by it, I've taken a bit of time to think things through.
I'm not going to continue with our relationship. I'm sure you'll want closure on why, and I'm not interested in having a real time discussion as I can only imagine it will be a long series of justifications which to be honest will only make me think even less of you, so let's not. Here goes:

• I've never, ever been spoken to or about like that in my life. Your best friend is an absolute steaming bellend, a genuinely horrible person. I've come to the conclusion that if you honestly value and rate this guy, or anyone that could treat a stranger with such appalling rudeness and nastiness, then you're not the kind of guy I want in my life. Not interested in justifications - my opinion, my experience with this guy, is what matters here.
• You didn't have my back. No more to be said. You're ok with a 'friend' - or anyone - speaking to your partner like that? Then my advice is to get used to staying single. No one with any self respect will ever be ok with their partner sitting back and letting them get ripped to shreds.
• Your spineless justifying afterwards. Whining to me that you're in a bad place as 'your gf and best friend don't get on'? Err no. Your so-called best friend did it all himself, and you know it. I'm nice, I came to the meal to be polite, friendly and have a good time. You know this. So I've come to the conclusion that I don't want a spineless guy who will turn a problem back on me and make things out to be my fault when I've done nothing wrong. No time for that, thanks.

So - I'm out. You probably don't want my advice, but it's definitely to ditch your appalling twat of a best friend and find some honesty and loyalty. Best of luck, and I'm happy to read a reply but I won't be engaging - I've said what I needed to, and no, I don't owe you a thing after that most unpleasant meal.

Best , X'

Perfect message.

OP - if your BF can't identify when someone is overstepping and being nasty, then l would question whether he does too.... and what he'll be like in the future.

I really think that this relationship has run it's course

Op I couldn't be with someone who was either too spineless or too worried about upsetting his friend that he let me get treated this way.

Is this guy deliberately trying to drive you away? Is it truly a friend? Has he got a love interest in your BF? It’s very weird behaviour

Bet he is secretly in love with your (ex?) boyfriend.

@Mistystar99

Hmmm. Have you got a close female friend who could be equally rude to your newish OH on your behalf? Sometimes I think people only understand things when they actually face them themselves. New OH needs to know his crap mate made you feel shit. Maybe get creative how you do this. Is his mate just jealous of a new GF stealing his mate away?? Ramp it up to annoy the arsehole if so!!! Good luck.

I’d be so tempted to do what Misty suggests once things open up again. And then dump him.😈

Err why are you concerning yourself with this friend when the much bigger red flag is that your boyfriend has been rating and scoring his exes and sharing this with this guy, as if women are sex toys! I'd be getting out of there if I were you. He won't treat you with any more respect and is probably already sharing and laughing about intimate details about you with his mates!

Ye gods I do hate 'banter' - it's nearly always an excuse to be a total twat. As everyone else says just dump him - he didn't have your back, he's been discussing you in a disrespectful way he's a total loser

I was very keen on my DH when I met him for lots of reasons. However one of the 'green' flags (if there is such a thing) was that when I met all his friends I was struck by how lovely they all were. These men an their wives are now my friends to.
I think 'you are who you hang with', whilst a rather juvenile expression, is apt here.

Don't issue a 'me or him ultimatum, he's already chosen him.

I wouldn’t bother with “it’s him or me”,he didn’t have your back, he thought the behaviour was funny, you’d have this time and time again. Walk away! For your own sanity.

That draft letter is good. Just drop the 'steaming bell end' because it weakens it.

Any decent man would not sit back and let that happen. Your boyfriend is a spineless wimp or perhaps he enjoyed watching his mate tear you to pieces. They're a pair of nasty twats.

This. If he doesn't have your back when you are being ripped to shreds, he has no place in your life.

Ugh, you find these "banter" merchants everywhere in male social groups and they're never ever funny, just cruel. Being expected to take the "joke" is part of the bullying.

Not defending you in the moment was bad enough but minimising the behaviour afterwards is even worse - that shows you he's not going to challenge it ever.

Even if you made it clear you expected him to stick up for you it wouldn't be good enough - if this bully isn't targeting you he'll be targeting someone else. It's pure toxic masculinity and needs to be challenged is an unacceptable way to behave full stop. You don't want to be part of any social group that tolerates it.

Well, he’s shown you who is more important to him. At best, this man will never have your back - he’ll be down the pub with his repellent mate. And at worst, he’ll be just like him, just you haven’t seen it yet.

YoniAndGuy has given you the perfect breakup message.