His "best friend" was horrible to me!

[hillarypcof]

Earlier this year (pre-lockdown) I met a great guy. The relationship has flourished, surviving what is now TWO lockdowns, making a great effort to see each other and show our affection in creative ways when Boris said otherwise. I have never met anybody like him; he makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world - so secure, confident and happy.

However - there is one problem.
Before the second lockdown and pre-tighter restrictions my boyfriend suggested that he, myself and his best friend get together for a meal. I thought this would be a great idea, as I love a night out at the best of times, and thought it would be amazing to meet the guy he speaks so highly of as his "best friend". I thought if we could all get along, this would just make our relationship even better.

Well - I went along to said meal and it was horrific. The "best friend" was literally horrible to me, making insulting remarks about my skin (acne is something I have struggled with since my teens), and even openly saying to my boyfriend (in front of me!!) comments which compared me to XXXX's previous girlfriends (both on a physical level and a "performance" level!)!!! I was mortified.
To rub salt in the wounds, my boyfriend said or did nothing to stop these remarks. He wasn't encouraging them, but he didn't discourage them either. He sat back and let them continue. They continued for a the best part of 2 hours, until we got the bill and went home. (My boyfriend and I don't live together)

I felt sick. It was 2 hours of what I could only describe as relentless bullying - these comments just didn't stop!

Looking back I'm not sure how I managed to sit through the entire meal - but I did.

It raised so many questions. It has made me question everything I thought I had with this guy. By not saying anything, was my boyfriend complicit in these remarks? How ON EARTH does he regard this guy as his best mate!? I know for a fact if it were the other way around, and my friends had been making such comments to XXXX, then I would have nipped them in the bud there and then.
Do I ignore it, or should it raise red flags about my boyfriend?

The day after the meal I told my boyfriend how it made me feel, and all he said that it was his mate's idea of "banter" and that he was "only having a laugh" .... the thing is, nobody was laughing!!!

Do you think your boyfriend or the best friend are gay?

@greenlandthemovie it has crossed my mind!!!

This horrible experience has shown you your boyfriend's true character. He's a spineless, weak, shit of a man. Run for your life.

If he was talking about performance level, does that mean your bf has been talking to his best friend about it? That would be the absolute end of the road for me...

Surely this has given you the ick? Spineless, pathetic men are such a turn-off.

Hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing. I'd have gotten up and left but that's only because I've had to unlearn years of female social conditioning. You've noted this behaviour, now you can build your boundaries to ensure this doesn't happen again. Step one: get this boyfriend of yours in the bin.

Don't feel bad, none of this is about you.

It's about their weird power struggle, dominating, possibly quasi-homoerotic, dysfunctional, fucked up relationship.

There is nothing good here for you

Text him it's over and you wish him and his best friend all the best in their romantic relationship

@Savoretti

If he was talking about performance level, does that mean your bf has been talking to his best friend about it? That would be the absolute end of the road for me...

Yes, this is a particularly grim detail. The man who made the OP feel confident, secure and happy’ for months has been giving a running commentary on what she’s like in bed to his vile friend.

I'd get as far away from the pair of arseholes ASAP!

I was married to a 'man' who let his friends belittle me at social events. I refused to go out with him and his friends after a while. He never stood up for me, and I thought it was a cultural thing...banter I didn't understand...mild racism as I wasn't from their country. It turns out my now ex-husband has no boundaries whatsoever and would hitch a lift with Dr Crippen if he thought it might advantage him in life in some way. Terrible view of women (disguised at first), terrible abusive tactics to undermine you and disrespect you. Lack of boundaries and deception with his friends (he gave some of my savings to a friend of his who spent it on a sex worker) killed our marriage dead in the ditch. Learn from my mistake, and get rid of your boyfriend. How would the friend know about 'performance' and such like if it hadn't been discussed. Your boyfriend has a friend who is jealous he is having sex, and has a girlfriend. Don't take those comments personally, and protect your self esteem by losing the loser. He stayed quiet because he is training you to expect him not to prioritise you for years to come...it is just like my ex who went off on a lads holiday when I was in the middle of a miscarriage at the hospital, and the next time I had a miscarriage he left me with a sick newborn baby on my own because he needed a break from the 'stress'.

Dump his vile self NOW. He has no respect for you and is two faced.

I'd dump him and not even tell him why. It will only be twisted in to you being "jealous" of his friendship anyway.

HmmSureJan I thought this too.

He has best friend issues. Your boyfriend has issues. You have boundaries and know how you feel is correct. Ghost the mother fucker weak sap.

imagine what they say about you behind your back.. if they stoop this low to your face...

you deserve so much better 🌺

To rub salt in the wounds, my boyfriend said or did nothing to stop these remarks. He wasn't encouraging them, but he didn't discourage them either. He sat back and let them continue.

Imagine if a best friend of yours behaved in this way toward your partner.

How mortified and upset you'd feel. How much you'd be shocked at their behaviour. How much you would jump in and call them out on it. How apologetic you'd be afterwards to your partner...

That's because you're a normal, decent human being.

Your boyfriend is both spineless and tolerant of abusive behaviour. That's who he is.

Ugh. How can you be with someone whose loyalty lays with someone who bullies other people. Let alone the person he is with romantically.

You need to dump him and then have a think about why you are torn over this, because him not having your back in that situation should have been the end.

Chances are your bf is more like the vile best friend than you know. He's just been hiding it to suck you in.

@scoobydoo1971 I'm sorry for your losses.

When I was dating my now DH, he had an absolute prick of a best mate. He was awful to me. I think it was because him and my DH were the last 2 singles in their group of friends and he was jealous. The first couple of times I let it go but then when he carried on being a prick, I spoke up and let him know how I felt and his behaviour was not acceptable.

I only ever saw this friend when I had to, such as weddings etc. My DH agreed he was behaving like a prick but I don't think he ever said anything thinking back. However, I never let this friend get away with his behaviour.

He became marginally better when he got a GF, and later got married to her and had kids and I tolerated him. Thankfully we no longer live in the same country as him.

At the time you should have spoken up if your BF didn't. Seems to me like he is picking his best mate over you.

I guess you need to decide if you want to continue with this relationship, or if you can make him see that his behaviour was not acceptable too and next time he must say something.

I've had visions of having an "it's me or him" conversation/lecture!

Why, when he obviously doesn't care. I wouldn't want to give him an ultimatum when he sat back like that.

There's a reason his friend felt confident to do that, knowing your BF would do nothing...this can't be the first time he's behaved like that, but he was she and secure being nasty, knowing your BF wouldn't call him out on it. Is that who you want to be with?
A man who sees this as banter and is still okay to have a this person as his best man in the future.

I can't believe you continued in a relationship him after that night..I would have left them both there and gone home.

“I guess I wanted to sit it out and stick by my boyfriend that night.”

Well your boyfriend certainly didn’t show you the same courtesy. And then resorted to the old ‘banter’ chestnut (which I detest - a shit word which is pulled out as a defence when people are deemed not to be able to take a ‘joke’ or some other such shit).

Plus the mate making personal comments and commenting on your “performance” (nice one BF - just what you want, your sexual antics being critiqued by all his mates - but hey, it’s just bantz don’t you know 😖) would result in the BF being dumped.

Jeez...I haven't RTFT as the first five posts were enough.

You are better than this shit show and never stop telling yourself that!!

Move on - there are so many people out there better than this spineless sausage and his ridiculous friend

You can bet your bottom dollar he wouldn't subject a male friend to that treatment.
This⬆️

I've had visions of having an "it's me or him" conversation/lecture!
Are you joking?
Someone who doesn't want to stick up for you, someone that will discuss your sex life with his mates, someone that allows you to be bullied .....and you think you are going to have an awkward conversation?.it should be the easiest one ever. "its over ( idiot )"

My DH agreed he was behaving like a prick but I don't think he ever said anything thinking back
The difference is the BF in this case doesn't think anything is wrong, its just ' banter" and 'having a laugh'

Your bf should have told him to shut the fuck up or failing that you should have.

This is an awful read. Get rid.