Bf unsure

[Confusedfuture]

I’m 35, he’s 40. Been together 15 months.

Told him from the start I was looking for a husband to start a family with. Didn’t seem to put him off. He was very keen in the beginning and said he loved me a few months in.

Yet 6 months later he was unsure as he didn’t know if he fancied me enough as I put on some weight. He seems to have an avoidant attachment / commitment phobic behaviour whereby in previous relationships he’d always find a fault with his partner. Not sure if he’s even aware of it.

Few months ago, I asked him if he loved me, and saw a future with me, he said he does potentially - he just wants me to work out more.

It’s been hard to work out at home, I struggle with the motivation side. When I have the vaccine, I’ll be back at the gym.

But I do worry about the longevity of this relationship. I’m a size 12, my BMI is still healthy, I’m just not as toned as before. He won’t have sex with me but I doubt it’s my weight - he seems to have ED.

What will happen when I have babies?

I’m told I’m a very attractive woman and when I met his friends, they told him he should marry me immediately! Ie suggesting I’m a catch.

Otherwise things are ok between us.

Just wondering even when I get back into shape, will he still be non commital?

Am I being deluded that this relationship will lead to marriage? Surely shouldn’t he know now if I am the one for him? If so, I’m clearly not?

I’ve broken things off a few times but he’s desperate to stay together.

I’m looking for possible solutions here please, I know most of you will say LTB, but he’s everything I’m looking for except this

• which I know is a big deal, I’m not going to minimise.

It’s hard to come across men I actually like at my age. There are obviously many good parts to him, otherwise I’d have left by now.

Just trying to see if there’s a way forward here and if anyone else has gone through the same.

Thanks

Don't settle for this superficial bellend. Pick up your self respect and show his arse the door. You are worth more

Oh he’s a bawbag.

Please ditch him! Don't let a man place your worth on looks, if he really loved you, a few pounds wouldn't matter, you should be able to be yourself without him giving you insecurities, this is 6 months in, he would be a nightmare after having children with him, how would this immature man cope with a post pregnancy body.
He's not worthy of your love, bin!

Wow what a bastard! Dump him NOW!

Trap him into pregnancy and literally don't give a flying shit about anything he says to you about weight etc. Or dump him asap. I'd be taking the latter option myself!

You have been reading far too many self-help books. This man is a complete idiot and you would be wasting your whole life if you stayed with him. The way he talks about your body is appalling.

Have a look at your own attachment style. The question here is why you would stay with a man who is unsure whether he loves you because of your weight, and why you haven't told him to sling his hook with the confidence that you deserve much better.

Surely shouldn’t he know now if I am the one for him

This can be turned around, because you are the one posting on the internet due to not being sure. Surely you should know by now, too? Why is it his responsibility to know? Your lack of agency is showing.

He sounds a catch. Err, not. He’s got issues. He will bring your self esteem down and you will be miserable. Being single is better than this. You deserve so much more op

Put him in the bin where he belongs.

Wait what? I had to read your post twice OP. Have you re read it too? I would seriously exit this relationship permanently and quickly too. You are already trying to see a way forward....there truly isn't one sadly with a superficial man like this. Raise your standards immediately and get the heck out of there! You are beautiful as you are. Toned or untoned!

Yep I'd worry about the longevity of that relationship.

Like if it was lasting more than 0.5 of a second from now.

How fucking dare he.

I was in a similar position at your age, 5 years ago. I'm now in much less good shape with a few wrinkles and have found someone who thinks I'm sex on legs.

He is trying to keep you on a leash, making you think that he might commit but batting down your self-esteem so he is in control.

I guarantee he is not all that. Read something like 'why men marry bitches', work on your self-esteem, and get rid of this man and don't look back. He will not change even if he says he will.

Would you want your daughter to be with someone who made her feel like this?

How do you think he would behave if you got pregnant and put on a couple of stone? And if you struggled to immediately get back in shape after birth? If his love is conditional on you being slim and toned, that doesn't bode too well for the the future...

What will happen when I have babies?

If you stay with this man, you’ll never find out as you won’t have babies. Is that really what you want?

The moment a man told me he wasn't sure if he fancied me, and didn't know if we could have a future because I had put on a few pounds, he would be swiftly sent packing and blocked.

He doesn't have avoidant attachment / commitment phobic behaviour issues, he's just a misogynist cunt. Throw him back, OP - you can bet if you were a size 6 he'd find some other excuse.

Get rid of, what will happen if you get pregnant? Looks change over the years, people age, put weight on etc. Can you trust to be with someone who doesn't love you unconditionally?

Is he perfect is his looks or body frame? I'm guessing not....it is a case of the pot saying to the kettle its bottom is black

I think you need to ditch him now. You've already given him 15 months (and he's 40 so not exactly too young to settle!) and he has shown his true colours. Don't waste another of your fertile years on him!

He's judging your worth based purely on how fuckable he thinks you are.

Do you want to be valued for that, or do you think you have other qualities that deserve a look in?

You won’t have babies with this man as he won’t have sex with you.

Why is he desperate to stay with you?

And I have no idea why you would consider staying with him a second longer.

If after 9mo with you he stopped wanting to have sex with you - then clearly there isn’t much future.
At 35 you don’t have time to waste on him, really.

Either you need to force the issue - propose to him but first - figure out if it’s ED or he doesn’t in fact feel attraction to you.

Meant to say - either force the issue or move on. Waiting around is pointless and only loses you precious time.