Bf unsure

[Confusedfuture]

I’m 35, he’s 40. Been together 15 months.

Told him from the start I was looking for a husband to start a family with. Didn’t seem to put him off. He was very keen in the beginning and said he loved me a few months in.

Yet 6 months later he was unsure as he didn’t know if he fancied me enough as I put on some weight. He seems to have an avoidant attachment / commitment phobic behaviour whereby in previous relationships he’d always find a fault with his partner. Not sure if he’s even aware of it.

Few months ago, I asked him if he loved me, and saw a future with me, he said he does potentially - he just wants me to work out more.

It’s been hard to work out at home, I struggle with the motivation side. When I have the vaccine, I’ll be back at the gym.

But I do worry about the longevity of this relationship. I’m a size 12, my BMI is still healthy, I’m just not as toned as before. He won’t have sex with me but I doubt it’s my weight - he seems to have ED.

What will happen when I have babies?

I’m told I’m a very attractive woman and when I met his friends, they told him he should marry me immediately! Ie suggesting I’m a catch.

Otherwise things are ok between us.

Just wondering even when I get back into shape, will he still be non commital?

Am I being deluded that this relationship will lead to marriage? Surely shouldn’t he know now if I am the one for him? If so, I’m clearly not?

I’ve broken things off a few times but he’s desperate to stay together.

I’m looking for possible solutions here please, I know most of you will say LTB, but he’s everything I’m looking for except this

• which I know is a big deal, I’m not going to minimise.

It’s hard to come across men I actually like at my age. There are obviously many good parts to him, otherwise I’d have left by now.

Just trying to see if there’s a way forward here and if anyone else has gone through the same.

Thanks

Google?

Yay @Grittlelayrabbit

Is it porn perhaps? The ed sneaking in now things are no longer new between you, the non-negotiation on a certain body shape, was he single for long time before you?

hailtomyteeth I tried but nothing seemingly relevant came up

shedface yes he’s been single most of his life. Virgin until 31. His first gf was actually morbidly obese - he stopped having sex with her and they never married, despite being engaged. I’m his second proper girlfriend. He’s dated others, but nothing serious.

He's 40 and has a history of commitment issues. You deserve better

This is bollocks - dump him.

Your post made me sad OP. I’ve been with my husband 36 years, since I was 17, I’ve had 4 children and my body has gone through lots of changes, as has his. Never has my husband commented on my body negatively. There’s so many things to worry about in this world, the one thing you should have in a partner is love that is based on so many more things than physical attributes. You deserve that.

Reading this made me sad.

You do not need to change your body for anybody. You deserve a man that will love you for you.

You deserve so much better 💐 I met DP at 39, I was a size 16 after 2 kids and lots of comfort eating post-marriage. He told me how much he fancied me, and he still does 4 years later. I've lost some weight, changed my hair etc and I think I look a lot better now than I did back then but he just says he was attracted to me then and he still is.

So hang on he is unsure if he wants to be with you because your not as toned as he thinks you should be
But he’s got ED problems and won’t have sex
I would be telling the cunt that actually you aren’t sure if you want to stay with him seeing as he can’t get a hard enough dick to have a satisfactory sex life
He’s a dick - even if he can’t get it up
You would do well to drop him and I would let him know his lack of a rock hard dick is the reason why

OP, why have you got yourself tangled up with this one? If you're as cute as you say, yet he was a virgin until 31 and can't get it up, it just does not make sense, even if you are desperate for a baby.

Thanks to all those reassuring me that I deserve better. I know I do. I have walked so many times, he comes chasing after me.

I find it laughable that he thinks I'm not in shape. Sure, I'm not a fitness freak or anything, but I'm told I'm very attractive, and I know my worth, I know he's lucky to have me! It’s not like I’m short of male attention (for what it’s worth). Just a shame he used to see that, but now he doesn't. It's all so bizarre.

If it wasn't 'needing to tone up' (lol) it would be something else. He wants you insecure and on the back foot. Of course this relationship is over.

If you are really serious about wanting to have a baby op, you will end this relationship.

I don't understand why you are wasting your precious time like this?

I think you should have some therapy to try and understand why, at 35 and wanting to try for a baby, you picked a man who was a virgin until his 30s, has a history of no relationships/not able to commit to a relationship, doesn't want to have sex, has told you he doesn't fancy you and to top it all off, has got to the age of 40 without having any children himself.

Why are you even in this position?

MraBobDylan I’m sure you’ve led a life without any mistakes.

Trust me, he still knows you are attractive and he is putting you down to keep you under his thumb because he is insecure about is ED and knows another woman will not stick around. Get rid of and get a new man

You may not like it but @MraBobDylan is correct.
It's the best advice. Everyone is telling you you can do better

I'll bet that deep down you don't believe you deserve better treatment than you get from him. That you're craving love and attention, and when you walk he chases after you and gives you that attention.

Please stop seeking your self-worth in this man.

OMG really.. what happens if you get pregnant and gain weight, is he justifying being able to cheat on you or leave then, due to you putting on a bit of weight?

He sounds extremely superficial and I agree with others, you can do better! Is he some super toned athlete with a body carved to perfection? I doubt so...

@Confusedfuture is this for real? You know you’re better looking than him (and he sounds horrid) and not short of male attention but you are putting up with this? Please stop.

Dump the dodo. Click your fingers and get with one of the attentive males who are showing interest and move on. Easy peasy?

Sounds as if he is actuallly insecure and it trying to bring ur self esteem down so u don’t think ur better than him and see him as a catch. Massive red flag, run x

It’s 2020, you’re 35yo yet you’re listening to some idiot who tells you you’re overweight or you need to work out. Seriously?
Tell him to fuck off.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was asexual. Which is fine, but not if he's lying to you, fake-futuring you, and trying to ruin your self-esteem to hide it.