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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To apologise

136 replies

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 11:19

So I drove my husband in my car to pick up a machine from an auction for his bussiness. Their partners didn't want their fancy cats getting dirty. Drove there picked it up and drove back while he relaxed. On the way back a drive just kept breaking, so I slowed down, on the snake path with cars behind me also. He was constantly doing this no matter how slow i went. In fact at some point it was like he was waiting. I got frustrated and had drivers behind me morning at me. My husband and I put it down to someone who was maybe new, struggling, scared etc... I'm always cautious of being rude to people driving stupidly because maybe they have had bad news etc. I did once. My had been diagnosed with cancer and I drove her home in what was the longest journey of my life.

Anyway. We got out of the snake pass. I tries to overtake as he was becoming very dangerous, indicated but he became very fast all of a sudden. That's great so I picked up my speed to 40, was doing 20 on a 50 road. As I did this he jist6 smaled his breaks. I breaked too as I wasnt going that far. He continued to do this. I felt as though he was trying to get hit from behind for an insirance claim so I stayed well back and carried on driving at 30 on a clear 50 road with him speeding up and slowing down. I encountered him around bends as though he was waiting for cars to approach. Really really really weird.

Sorry I had to explain that. My husband even said this driver is an idiot.

Eventually when he almost caused a pile up I horned at him. Like I literally stopped myself from going into him. I could see he was on the phone and people sat with were all messing around with a kid just climbing back and forth. My husband at this point started shouting at me. He started saying 'you're so self centred why are you burning. You're so disrespectful you've no shame, women dont do this. You've no shame you're doing this in front of your husband. He stared shouting. Then he told me to stop the car and walked out.

We argued at home. I he has been a dick to me for a while. I was confused as to why he took this to personally and walked out and called me names. He kept repeating instead of saying sorry to me you're being disrespectful wife. I dont get it.

I hate the fact that horned at this driver. I genuinly think he was trying to claim for an accident. Being on his phone and so much disruption.

However I'm confused about why my husband became such a dick. I am not really someone who has road rage. But I dont think I should apologise when I was doing his job. I got no thank you nothing. He can taken my car to work with the machine.

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 26/11/2020 08:02

What is the timescale in getting the keys to your new house. If it's weeks, rather than days, you need to go somewhere else safe first.

Did you look at the links for Women's Aid and Refuge?

As soon as he is aware that you're planning to leave or have left, a whole new range of behaviours will start. They will range from insulting you to try to persuade you that you're incapable of managing without him, threats to harm you or your family physically or by reputation, promises to change and become the model partner and threats to harm himself or take his own life. These are strand ants tactics to prevent you from escaping and he will probably employ several of them, if not all.

Is there someone in real life you could ask to help you make a plan? If not, I'm happy to do that by PM, as other posters would be, I'm sure.

It's important that you prioritise your need to be safe above everything else now.

ThanksThanksThanks

Alexandernevermind · 26/11/2020 09:08

Please tell us how you are today @spotify82 x

Spotify82 · 26/11/2020 10:36

Hello everyone. Thank you for your posts. I went to my eldest sister's house. I will staying here for now. My brother in law has given him some abuse over the phone. He has been trying to call and then ended his last message with that he is sorry that hurt me and wishes me only the best in what I decide. He has sent me money as well to pay for my monthly expenses. I never asked him and want to send it back.
I've slept for so long. I've never slept this long beofre in my life.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/11/2020 11:10

Well done, it’s good that you have supportive family
Be aware that he might try being nice to you for a bit until he gets you back in his clutches but done be fooled
And you CAN build a new life, this awful mad has ground you down to think you are worth nothing but he’s wrong

picklemewalnuts · 26/11/2020 11:29

I'm glad you are safe.

Hoppinggreen · 26/11/2020 11:37

Awful MAN I meant

Dragongirl10 · 26/11/2020 11:46

So glad to hear that you are safe op!

Take the money and stay away from him, don't believe that he has changed, he may say lots of nice things to trick you into returning...please don't go back.

Spotify82 · 26/11/2020 11:53

@Hoppinggreen

Well done, it’s good that you have supportive family Be aware that he might try being nice to you for a bit until he gets you back in his clutches but done be fooled And you CAN build a new life, this awful mad has ground you down to think you are worth nothing but he’s wrong
He doesn't need me anymore. I waited on him hand and foot while he built his bussiness. He is successful now so doesnt need me. I fixed up his home. He got everything he needed from me. He will find a new victim. Sad thing is, if he is 'obeyed' he is the kindest person ever. He will find a stupid victim that will give him everything. I'll just be someome who helped him climb the ladder whole forsaking so many years of my life.

I'm bitter now but I will be ok. I think I just need to focus on me. Forget any memory of him.
Being controlled in the way I have been was suffocating. He beat me up once so much I had to lock myself in the bathroom. The fear of when you're alone have a raging lunatic after you is unexplainable. He slapped me so hard once my lip bled and I had to take time off work. He was so abusive during lockdown I cut my arms. I lied that I burnt them. Ugh so much.

I just want to forget about it. I want it away from me.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 26/11/2020 22:07

Hi op, hope your doing ok tonight.

Don't let him wear you down.
And don't believe he will change.

[flower]

Danni91 · 27/11/2020 08:20

How are you feeling today?
Are you still away?

It's ok to be bitter, and angry, and sad and to miss him and all the other emotions inbetween. It will all pass in time.

Just picture a life without fear because that is all it comes down to as it goes on.

He wont change and you can not change him, he doesnt deserve your efforts.

Hope you are well

Comtesse · 27/11/2020 11:46

I hope your sister is really looking after you Flowers - you really deserve it, what a lowlife that horrible man is. So glad you have left.

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