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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To apologise

136 replies

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 11:19

So I drove my husband in my car to pick up a machine from an auction for his bussiness. Their partners didn't want their fancy cats getting dirty. Drove there picked it up and drove back while he relaxed. On the way back a drive just kept breaking, so I slowed down, on the snake path with cars behind me also. He was constantly doing this no matter how slow i went. In fact at some point it was like he was waiting. I got frustrated and had drivers behind me morning at me. My husband and I put it down to someone who was maybe new, struggling, scared etc... I'm always cautious of being rude to people driving stupidly because maybe they have had bad news etc. I did once. My had been diagnosed with cancer and I drove her home in what was the longest journey of my life.

Anyway. We got out of the snake pass. I tries to overtake as he was becoming very dangerous, indicated but he became very fast all of a sudden. That's great so I picked up my speed to 40, was doing 20 on a 50 road. As I did this he jist6 smaled his breaks. I breaked too as I wasnt going that far. He continued to do this. I felt as though he was trying to get hit from behind for an insirance claim so I stayed well back and carried on driving at 30 on a clear 50 road with him speeding up and slowing down. I encountered him around bends as though he was waiting for cars to approach. Really really really weird.

Sorry I had to explain that. My husband even said this driver is an idiot.

Eventually when he almost caused a pile up I horned at him. Like I literally stopped myself from going into him. I could see he was on the phone and people sat with were all messing around with a kid just climbing back and forth. My husband at this point started shouting at me. He started saying 'you're so self centred why are you burning. You're so disrespectful you've no shame, women dont do this. You've no shame you're doing this in front of your husband. He stared shouting. Then he told me to stop the car and walked out.

We argued at home. I he has been a dick to me for a while. I was confused as to why he took this to personally and walked out and called me names. He kept repeating instead of saying sorry to me you're being disrespectful wife. I dont get it.

I hate the fact that horned at this driver. I genuinly think he was trying to claim for an accident. Being on his phone and so much disruption.

However I'm confused about why my husband became such a dick. I am not really someone who has road rage. But I dont think I should apologise when I was doing his job. I got no thank you nothing. He can taken my car to work with the machine.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 25/11/2020 13:59

What makes you stay with him?

Nanny0gg · 25/11/2020 14:02

@LittleWhiteFeather

Sorry, what is a snake pass?
It's in Derbyshire. Very well known.
IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 25/11/2020 14:02

OP, I cannot say this clearly enough - any injuries to him caused by you defending yourself are not worth your worry.

My ex was physically abusive. Once he was hitting and kicking and I didn’t think he’d ever stop so I started fighting and I didn’t stop until I’d got away and outside.
He (6ft rugby player build) had scratches on his arms, leg, side of face, a bruise on his leg and a mark on his arm where I shut the door on it.
I (5ft2, not tiny but a lot smaller than him), had a black eye, cracked ribs, bruises all over my arm, legs and back and a cut lip and ear.
I don’t feel even a little bit guilty about hurting him. It was survival and I don’t think for a second anyone would have thought I shouldn’t have done what I did.

You said English is not your first language - are you in the UK? Only because where people can signpost help will differ depending on where you are

Your driving is neither here nor there to be honest. What matters is that you’re not being treated the way you should be and you 100% deserve better.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 14:16

@Poppinjay

Please forget about the drive over Snake Pass. You won't make sense of your husband's behaviour because his behaviour wasn't reasonable.

You are not to blame for being abused. There is no rule that it's OK for someone to hit us if we haven't handled the situation leading up to the attack perfectly.

You are very clearly in an extremely abusive and controlling relationship and the abuse is almost certainly going to escalate as time passes. As it is already extremely violent and has involved at least one instance of strangulation, your life is at significant risk.

It is hard to see how bad it is from your position, I know, but you need to leave immediately and you need to make sure you go somewhere safe where he cannot find you.

Don't analyse your own behaviour to work out what you could do to make things better. That won't happen. The only way to stop the abuse is to leave.

Please talk to Womens Aid or Refuge and take their advice.

Focus all of your energies on getting away and staying safe. You can then rebuild a life in which you are emotionally and physically safe.

These are for you Flowers because you deserve them.

Thank you. No one has really ever stuck up for me to be honest. I'm quite overwhelmed.
OP posts:
Bookworming · 25/11/2020 14:24

Leave your husband, Make that decision today!

Dixiechickonhols · 25/11/2020 14:43

Do you have a friend or relative you can go to. Covid rules are irrelevant as you are escaping domestic violence, you won’t get in trouble. Please go somewhere safe OP and get help. Good luck. You have been very brave posting.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 25/11/2020 15:22

OP he is a horrible violent and abusive man and strangulation is a well known precursor to murder. He has also given you life changing injuries to your hands. Please get away from him as soon as you can, but don't let him know that you plan to leave, as men like this can be more dangerous at this time. Get help from women's aid.

I hope you manage to escape this abuse Flowers Bless you.

Unhomme · 25/11/2020 17:30

Your husband is a knob

Dragongirl10 · 25/11/2020 18:30

Op, please, please take Spotify's excellent advice, you really are in danger.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/11/2020 18:46

@Dragongirl10 the op IS Spotify!

Danni91 · 25/11/2020 18:48

There is a better, happier and safer life out there for you OP. Be brave & embrace that - this does not have to be your forever.

And i know its easier to say than do, but take the car and just go if you can.

Do you have family local? Friends? A job?

Local or afar. Who supports you?

Hes a jerk.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 20:25

@Danni91

There is a better, happier and safer life out there for you OP. Be brave & embrace that - this does not have to be your forever.

And i know its easier to say than do, but take the car and just go if you can.

Do you have family local? Friends? A job?

Local or afar. Who supports you?

Hes a jerk.

I have the car. I have family. I do have a job. I'm a teacher. I have recently bought a house with my own depoist. When I get my keys I will leave. He came home for a bit. Apologised as usual. Called himself a c**t etc as usual. Said he was sorry and need to learn to control his ego.

I told him I was depressed. I'm not carrying on a fight. I'm just depressed. So he said he didnt want me to be depressed and was not going to jist me anymore. I told him I hate the fact I wake up every morning. I pray I just didmt wake up. He said if I felt so bad he would get help with a therapist. If he didnt improve onwas free to leave without blame.
I have my home in my name which I can afford payments for. I can move.

OP posts:
Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 20:26

Hit*

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 25/11/2020 20:32

Don't believe him OP, there has been thread upon thread about abusive narcs claiming to be getting help.... Its all part of the circle. You need to break the chain and move on.

I really am concerned about your hands though!! Is what he doing to them a form of punishment in your home country? I can't quite visualise what he is doing but the pain you've described sounds nasty. I mean if the thumbs have been repeatedly cracked/pressurised then I can see how your coming to the arthritis claim.

How old are you, just out of curiosity. And does he know about this new house of yours?

picklemewalnuts · 25/11/2020 20:43

It's very easy for him to say things like that. If he could behave differently, then why has he done all those awful things?

You did nothing wrong. You can leave. You must.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 25/11/2020 20:43

What @popinjay says
OP aside from the awful awful other things and the violence to your hands this man has used strangulation. This is a very very large red flag.
Your life is in immediate danger
Anyone from the police or women's aid will take this really really seriously

Please don't seek to find a way to make him better, this is not something you can do and you can't be considered to blame in any view of this situation.

Very much hoping you can get the hell out of there. Please for your own sake.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 21:06

@combatbarbie

Don't believe him OP, there has been thread upon thread about abusive narcs claiming to be getting help.... Its all part of the circle. You need to break the chain and move on.

I really am concerned about your hands though!! Is what he doing to them a form of punishment in your home country? I can't quite visualise what he is doing but the pain you've described sounds nasty. I mean if the thumbs have been repeatedly cracked/pressurised then I can see how your coming to the arthritis claim.

How old are you, just out of curiosity. And does he know about this new house of yours?

I'm in th UK. He hits my hands with the side of his palm. The biney side. Sometimes twists them. Just when were fighting. This time it was because I was pointing at him and he was sorted slapping pinching them away. To be honest I dont even know how he did it, all I know it bloody hurts.
OP posts:
Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 21:12

Thank you to everyone. I have never had anyone to share this with.

OP posts:
Danni91 · 25/11/2020 21:15

It sounds almost hidious to say but, you are in a fortunate position (regarding your escape)

I hope you manage to get away, there is far too much more to life!

Fuck the toxic bastard go live in your own home the moment you have the keys, find a guy who adores you and have babies.

There is happiness at the end of this. You can do it & you deserve it OP.

When does your purchase go through? I do worry the fact he may know your plans.

And defo see a doctor for your hand they can refer you for scans, maybe it is fractured ?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/11/2020 21:26

@Danni91

It sounds almost hidious to say but, you are in a fortunate position (regarding your escape)

I hope you manage to get away, there is far too much more to life!

Fuck the toxic bastard go live in your own home the moment you have the keys, find a guy who adores you and have babies.

There is happiness at the end of this. You can do it & you deserve it OP.

When does your purchase go through? I do worry the fact he may know your plans.

And defo see a doctor for your hand they can refer you for scans, maybe it is fractured ?

All of this.

You must, must get away from him.

I wish I could give you a hug. Please use MN as a resource to help get you out and get you safe - you can ask questions, get advice on the practical and pragmatic next steps as well as emotional support.

But you must leave him.

Thanks
Allergictoironing · 25/11/2020 22:36

Make sure you tell the Estate Agent and solicitors you are using to buy your house know that he is NOT authorised to act on your behalf (assuming he knows anything about it at all). My ex-BiL tried to instruct the Estate Agents my DSis was buying through, while they were divorcing - in his case he wasn't being malicious (just deluded), but your DH sounds like the type who might be.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 23:04

@Danni91

It sounds almost hidious to say but, you are in a fortunate position (regarding your escape)

I hope you manage to get away, there is far too much more to life!

Fuck the toxic bastard go live in your own home the moment you have the keys, find a guy who adores you and have babies.

There is happiness at the end of this. You can do it & you deserve it OP.

When does your purchase go through? I do worry the fact he may know your plans.

And defo see a doctor for your hand they can refer you for scans, maybe it is fractured ?

I would love to have babies. Have been trying but no luck. I may have endometriosis that has spread to my bladder so trying to get that fixed. Anyway I think it's that unless its cervical cancer and I'm thinking stupid ly endo. I get period from my urinary tract for 2 months now. I bleed from my urinary tract too outside of period. Oh well. I wouldn't be a major loss to anyone. Not like I have children or anyone who really depends on me 3ven if it was cancer. Weirdly om not scared of dying anymore.
OP posts:
Onthedunes · 26/11/2020 00:57

Op you are never going to have a fair relationship with this man.

Don't analyse any further whether you deserve his anger and temper.

You say you have a temper, I should imagine you still have busts of anger to fight against this controlling man.
And he is controlling, he knows he revs the situation up to get a response from you.

He is provoking you into a reaction so he has an excuss to abuse you physically.
Then twisting this to make out this is your fault.

It is not your fault

Get help, first go to A & E, get help with with the pain in your hands, they could be broken.
Contact WomensAid, they will help you, they will believe you, you are confused, he's trained you into thinking he is the victim.

Flowers

Keep posting, we are all concerned.

Onthedunes · 26/11/2020 01:11

From your last post, I can hear you have given up.
Call the Samaritans, it can help.

Don't give up, we are all behind you and can see a better life for you, even if you can't see that at the moment.

Hand hold &
Sending hugs

Flowers
picklemewalnuts · 26/11/2020 07:26

Oh Spotify, I'm so sad for you!

Life without him will be so much better.

Are you getting medical help with the endometriosis? Try and look after yourself, you are worth it.

Time for a fresh start. Get away from this awful man.

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