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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To apologise

136 replies

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 11:19

So I drove my husband in my car to pick up a machine from an auction for his bussiness. Their partners didn't want their fancy cats getting dirty. Drove there picked it up and drove back while he relaxed. On the way back a drive just kept breaking, so I slowed down, on the snake path with cars behind me also. He was constantly doing this no matter how slow i went. In fact at some point it was like he was waiting. I got frustrated and had drivers behind me morning at me. My husband and I put it down to someone who was maybe new, struggling, scared etc... I'm always cautious of being rude to people driving stupidly because maybe they have had bad news etc. I did once. My had been diagnosed with cancer and I drove her home in what was the longest journey of my life.

Anyway. We got out of the snake pass. I tries to overtake as he was becoming very dangerous, indicated but he became very fast all of a sudden. That's great so I picked up my speed to 40, was doing 20 on a 50 road. As I did this he jist6 smaled his breaks. I breaked too as I wasnt going that far. He continued to do this. I felt as though he was trying to get hit from behind for an insirance claim so I stayed well back and carried on driving at 30 on a clear 50 road with him speeding up and slowing down. I encountered him around bends as though he was waiting for cars to approach. Really really really weird.

Sorry I had to explain that. My husband even said this driver is an idiot.

Eventually when he almost caused a pile up I horned at him. Like I literally stopped myself from going into him. I could see he was on the phone and people sat with were all messing around with a kid just climbing back and forth. My husband at this point started shouting at me. He started saying 'you're so self centred why are you burning. You're so disrespectful you've no shame, women dont do this. You've no shame you're doing this in front of your husband. He stared shouting. Then he told me to stop the car and walked out.

We argued at home. I he has been a dick to me for a while. I was confused as to why he took this to personally and walked out and called me names. He kept repeating instead of saying sorry to me you're being disrespectful wife. I dont get it.

I hate the fact that horned at this driver. I genuinly think he was trying to claim for an accident. Being on his phone and so much disruption.

However I'm confused about why my husband became such a dick. I am not really someone who has road rage. But I dont think I should apologise when I was doing his job. I got no thank you nothing. He can taken my car to work with the machine.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 25/11/2020 12:41

From what you have written you are not to blame in the slightest, he has conditioned you to believe that but it’s not true.
You say you know you shouldn’t be together - so if you are able to then do something about it

GabsAlot · 25/11/2020 12:41

its abuse regardless of whther youre angry at another car driver

he slaps covers your mouth sits on you gets you in an arm lock its not normal

ladycarlotta · 25/11/2020 12:43

If you stay this will continue to get worse. I'm so sorry OP, I hope you can get somewhere safe. I'm really worried for you.

But you can escape this, and life can be happy for you in the future.

Alexandernevermind · 25/11/2020 12:45

Oh my goodness op - for God's sake phone the police. NONE of this is your fault, but I strongly believe you are in danger. Many congratulations for being brave enough to post. Your post is quite drip feeding, but in think this is because you are gaining more and more confidence to be able to speak out about what you know is wrong. You have taken the first step in admitting to us here what is going on. Now you need help, urgently.

Alexandernevermind · 25/11/2020 12:46

Sorry - I think, not in think!

RedPandaFluff · 25/11/2020 12:47

Disappointing that so many people are being scornful of the OP's typos and language rather than the substance of the post, which is actually really serious.

Ignore the smug smartarses on here, @Spotify82 - your husband is abusive and for your own health and happiness you need to leave him. Do you need help to do this?

Comtesse · 25/11/2020 12:49

You poor thing Flowers. He sounds awful. See if you can get a gp appointment to discuss your hands - yes its an emergency if anyone asks and tell the gp what is going on.

Nottherealslimshady · 25/11/2020 12:50

He shows you the scratches you give him while he's attacking you?! Dont feel guilty for that, you have every right to defend yourself, physically and verbally.

Are you in England? You need to call the police or womens aid. You need to get away from him, he's abusing you and it is most certainly not your fault.

Callingallbutterflies · 25/11/2020 12:52

Please seek help OP, you need to leave this awful man. He is abusive and violent towards you because he wants to be.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 12:53

@RedPandaFluff

Disappointing that so many people are being scornful of the OP's typos and language rather than the substance of the post, which is actually really serious.

Ignore the smug smartarses on here, @Spotify82 - your husband is abusive and for your own health and happiness you need to leave him. Do you need help to do this?

Thank you for asking. I think I can manage.
OP posts:
MyGazeboisLeaking · 25/11/2020 12:55

OP

What you have described from your husband is extremely serious and damaging.

Your situation will NOT get better by itself.

Please, please, make an appointment to go to your GP, or if online, an appointment while your husband is NOT home, and explain to them about your hands and your husband's punches.

You can not continue like this, things will get worse & worse x

SirGawain · 25/11/2020 13:01

If I found myself behind a dangerous driver or vehicle with an unstable load I would just pull over and wait for the danger to clear.

HollowTalk · 25/11/2020 13:04

He sounds really awful. There's physical and mental abuse going on here. He's not 'almost' gaslighting - he really is gaslighting you.

Is there anyone you can go and stay with? I think it's really important you get away.

Oreservoir · 25/11/2020 13:07

@SirGawain it would be very hard to pull over on snake pass.

Op you need to leave your violent husband.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 13:09

@SirGawain

If I found myself behind a dangerous driver or vehicle with an unstable load I would just pull over and wait for the danger to clear.
On the snake pass there is no where safe to pull over. Not on the highest peak anyway. Not anywhere I would consider safe and not causing an obstruction to other drivers, not until you've passed the windy part.
OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 25/11/2020 13:16

OP why don't you leave him? You must realise he is an abusive and evil man, who will never accept he is wrong or change...Why do you choose that life when you could be free?.

You have no children so no ties to him.

nemeton · 25/11/2020 13:24

You can't pull over on snake pass!

VodselForDinner · 25/11/2020 13:29

My husband hates it when I horn other men.

Jokes aside, you’re with an abusive prick. Can you get away from him?

1forAll74 · 25/11/2020 13:30

Despite you saying that you have a fiery temperament yourself when trying to deal with your Husbands abuse, just how long are you going to put up with all this, as things could escalate into something much worse.All this punching and slapping , and hurting you, is domestic violence. You may even be fearful of leaving this awful man, but it is certainly a horrible way to be living.

ahagwearsapointybonnet · 25/11/2020 13:35

He is physically abusive and it sounds as though probably mentally/emotionally abusive too. You need to get away from him, but please do it very carefully to keep yourself safe. MAKE SURE HE CANNOT FIND THESE POSTS - clear your internet history regularly and put a password he doesn't know on your devices, unless it would be dangerous to.

Please go to the GP and tell them about your hands AND how it happened, this will help you with having evidence of the abuse. Also please contact Women's Aid who can help you and advise on how to leave him safely, and ideally contact the police as well and ask for help from their domestic violence team. Top priority is to keep yourself safe, but then please start taking steps to get away from him as that is the only way things will change. You CAN have a good life once you get away from him.

user17425642134531 · 25/11/2020 13:35

He's severely abused you for an extended period of time. That's why you react and break down.

What do you need to be able to leave before he kills you? Men like this always escalate - it's his escalation that prompted you to post after all.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Freedom Programme?

user17425642134531 · 25/11/2020 13:36

All this stuff about the car is irrelevant.

Allergictoironing · 25/11/2020 13:39

You may have a "fiery temper" and shout at him, or point at his chest. But strangling you, hitting you, putting you in an arm lock and covering your nose and mouth, slapping you in the head - these are NOT appropriate responses!

I would guess his outburst at you beeping the other driver was purely a way of upsetting you to make you either grovel to him or give him an excuse to abuse you physically. No way is beeping at another driver a) disrespectful or b) being shameful for doing it with your husband in the car.

You are being physically and emotionally abused, and gaslighted. I would suggest A&E rather than your GP because they should have people there who deal with domestic abuse who can advise & possibly help you get away from him, which MUST be your first priority.

Poppinjay · 25/11/2020 13:48

Please forget about the drive over Snake Pass. You won't make sense of your husband's behaviour because his behaviour wasn't reasonable.

You are not to blame for being abused. There is no rule that it's OK for someone to hit us if we haven't handled the situation leading up to the attack perfectly.

You are very clearly in an extremely abusive and controlling relationship and the abuse is almost certainly going to escalate as time passes. As it is already extremely violent and has involved at least one instance of strangulation, your life is at significant risk.

It is hard to see how bad it is from your position, I know, but you need to leave immediately and you need to make sure you go somewhere safe where he cannot find you.

Don't analyse your own behaviour to work out what you could do to make things better. That won't happen. The only way to stop the abuse is to leave.

Please talk to Womens Aid or Refuge and take their advice.

Focus all of your energies on getting away and staying safe. You can then rebuild a life in which you are emotionally and physically safe.

These are for you Flowers because you deserve them.

GeidiPrimes · 25/11/2020 13:50

I was quite entertained by your initial post, but then it took a dark turn.

Are you able to get far, far way from this horrible, abusive man? PPs have linked to Womens Aid, please at least speak to them. Abusive men don't have a sudden moment of clarity and decide to stop, their violence escalates.