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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To apologise

136 replies

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 11:19

So I drove my husband in my car to pick up a machine from an auction for his bussiness. Their partners didn't want their fancy cats getting dirty. Drove there picked it up and drove back while he relaxed. On the way back a drive just kept breaking, so I slowed down, on the snake path with cars behind me also. He was constantly doing this no matter how slow i went. In fact at some point it was like he was waiting. I got frustrated and had drivers behind me morning at me. My husband and I put it down to someone who was maybe new, struggling, scared etc... I'm always cautious of being rude to people driving stupidly because maybe they have had bad news etc. I did once. My had been diagnosed with cancer and I drove her home in what was the longest journey of my life.

Anyway. We got out of the snake pass. I tries to overtake as he was becoming very dangerous, indicated but he became very fast all of a sudden. That's great so I picked up my speed to 40, was doing 20 on a 50 road. As I did this he jist6 smaled his breaks. I breaked too as I wasnt going that far. He continued to do this. I felt as though he was trying to get hit from behind for an insirance claim so I stayed well back and carried on driving at 30 on a clear 50 road with him speeding up and slowing down. I encountered him around bends as though he was waiting for cars to approach. Really really really weird.

Sorry I had to explain that. My husband even said this driver is an idiot.

Eventually when he almost caused a pile up I horned at him. Like I literally stopped myself from going into him. I could see he was on the phone and people sat with were all messing around with a kid just climbing back and forth. My husband at this point started shouting at me. He started saying 'you're so self centred why are you burning. You're so disrespectful you've no shame, women dont do this. You've no shame you're doing this in front of your husband. He stared shouting. Then he told me to stop the car and walked out.

We argued at home. I he has been a dick to me for a while. I was confused as to why he took this to personally and walked out and called me names. He kept repeating instead of saying sorry to me you're being disrespectful wife. I dont get it.

I hate the fact that horned at this driver. I genuinly think he was trying to claim for an accident. Being on his phone and so much disruption.

However I'm confused about why my husband became such a dick. I am not really someone who has road rage. But I dont think I should apologise when I was doing his job. I got no thank you nothing. He can taken my car to work with the machine.

OP posts:
PrivateD00r · 25/11/2020 12:05

Well this thread has taken a turn Sad I really wish you had left out all the stuff about keeping fancy cats clean and snake passes and got right to the problem op. It is irrelevant what led to his violence, IT IS NEVER OK. The long op not mentioning his violence makes me worry you cannot see that? You deserve to be safe and happy op.

Please please please seek help.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 12:05

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@Spotify82 I said HE hurled abuse at YOU. [/quote]
Sorry. I took too cocodamol and my brain is utter mush. But even if I did hurl abuse at the driver for instance. Should I be apologising to my husband? I mean is it normal?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/11/2020 12:07

But even if I did hurl abuse at the driver for instance. Should I be apologising to my husband? I mean is it normal?

Do you seriously think anyone here is going to say 'yes, you should apologise'?

Do you have children together OP? I sincerely hope not.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 12:07

@FlibbertyGiblets

Oh god. Have you ever showed a doctor the hand injuries? He's attacking you, causing long term damage to your hands, you are not safe, I am so sorry.
No I havent. Although the pain is that bad today I think I might jist have to go see someone.
OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 25/11/2020 12:09

I cannot imagine a world where my husband would even consider calling me a "disrespectful wife" and expect to keep his balls

In that situation, my husband would have called the police and reported the dangerous driver. He was either drunk, distracted or trying to cause an accident, all those things are illegal. And I would have hit my horn a lot earlier than you, you kept your cool well.

If we want to go stereotypical/traditional as your husband wants to. Your husbands job is protect you, at no point at all in the day did he do that. He had you drive to get him something, he allowed you to deal with a dangerous situation alone, he berated and bullied you for protecting yourself and LEFT you after that situation, and he continued to bully you in your own home.

He's a shit husband.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 12:09

@WorraLiberty

But even if I did hurl abuse at the driver for instance. Should I be apologising to my husband? I mean is it normal?

Do you seriously think anyone here is going to say 'yes, you should apologise'?

Do you have children together OP? I sincerely hope not.

No children. I don't think I would want any children with him to be honest. I wanted them though but I always think if it's fair to bring innocent lives to live with parents like us.
OP posts:
WotWouldCJDo · 25/11/2020 12:12

How old are you?

Are you able to ring Woman’s Aid without him knowing?

Anycrispsleft · 25/11/2020 12:13

Parents like him. You're not abusive. You're right to say that he gaslights you.
There was nothing in your behaviour in the car that warranted his reaction. I know how abusers make you think that you are as guilty as they are - trust me - this is all on him.

Gobbycop · 25/11/2020 12:14

How utterly weird.

Is there something wrong with your husband?

CandyLeBonBon · 25/11/2020 12:14

But even if I did hurl abuse at the driver for instance. Should I be apologising to my husband? I mean is it normal?

No. No it's not normal. I'm sorry you're in pain but you sound very ground down by all this. It's important that you see the abuse for what it is, and start making plans. It's good there are no kids involved. That makes things less complicated.

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 12:17

@Nottherealslimshady

I cannot imagine a world where my husband would even consider calling me a "disrespectful wife" and expect to keep his balls

In that situation, my husband would have called the police and reported the dangerous driver. He was either drunk, distracted or trying to cause an accident, all those things are illegal. And I would have hit my horn a lot earlier than you, you kept your cool well.

If we want to go stereotypical/traditional as your husband wants to. Your husbands job is protect you, at no point at all in the day did he do that. He had you drive to get him something, he allowed you to deal with a dangerous situation alone, he berated and bullied you for protecting yourself and LEFT you after that situation, and he continued to bully you in your own home.

He's a shit husband.

Oh no he never supports me. I could say so many things but I will just spend the day crying.
OP posts:
CrazyCatLazy · 25/11/2020 12:23

You need to leave him.
I’m sorry that is blunt, but your husband has been mentally and physically abusing you. Please ring women’s aid, he doesn’t deserve you. Absolutely do not apologise!

viques · 25/11/2020 12:24

Are breaks the new Chester draws?

Puzzled by snake road though. Is it a Silk Road with attitude?

Dilemmmmma · 25/11/2020 12:26

Issue 1 - you should have got the reg number of the car - there are 'gangs' who drive on notorious roads (such as snake pass) in a manner which causes accidents, they do it for the insurance money and should be reported to the police.

Issue 2 - your husband sounds like a dick.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/11/2020 12:26

@viques

Are breaks the new Chester draws?

Puzzled by snake road though. Is it a Silk Road with attitude?

Have you read the full thread?
ThistleWitch · 25/11/2020 12:26

oh no my love, this is not right - this is abuse, please get to womens aid as soon as you can

Happyheartlovelife · 25/11/2020 12:27

Was this an arranged marriage?

Do you have any family who could take you?

SunShinesStill · 25/11/2020 12:28

Lovely, you posted as you know this is wrong and clearly want help. You couldn’t bring yourself to talk about the abuse so started a conversation the only way you knew how. He is hitting you, to the extent you can’t use your hands. Make an appointment to see your GP, or go to the hospital. Tell them your husband is hitting you so you can’t use your hands. They will then be able to ask you the right questions and keep you safe.

Of course you need to leave and no one talks to someone that way about you being angry in front of him.

frazzledasarock · 25/11/2020 12:32

As a PP said ‘snake pass’ is a real road.

AnotherNameForChristmas · 25/11/2020 12:32

Are you in the UK and are you both originally from another culture?
Because this doesn't sound like an attitude even the most chauvinist pig brought up in this country would have.

Anyway other people have given better advice than I can. Good luck OP.

Waveysnail · 25/11/2020 12:34

OP u need to do leave him. Phone womans aid. Tell a friend. Get help and get out

RB68 · 25/11/2020 12:35

I completely get what you are saying. Your not so DH was a dick. Was he saying it would be OK for a man to behave that way (Beep an erratic driver who was on the phone with loose kids int he back of the car???)

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 12:36

I have typed a thread before and written everything, then deleted it. I don't feel I'm innocent because there are ways to handle things. I get very angry, sometimes drop in a heap and cry very loud and he just gets angry and hurls abuse at me.
@Happyheartlovelife no we knew each other for 10 years and have been married for 4.
Maybe I shouldn't push him. When I push him pr point at his chest he pushes my hand away. Then eventually will start to put me in arm lock, cover my mouth and nose, sit on me, slap my head face. Then he says I enjoy it because i can cry victim. But I'm not because i accept that screaming at him is not right. He shows me scratches. Hinestky6 those scratches ate done when I do hit him back. Last night he was pulling me by my scarf that was strangling me he slapped my head and pushed me so I fell over boxes. But before that I was pointing at his chest. While he was pulling my scarf I managed to scratch his throat and ear. But that was not something I planned to do. It happened. I don't know how I feel.
I'm not calm when I get wound up by him anymore.

I would type everything here to get an opinion because I think me and him are botha toxic mix and we are both to blame. I know we shouldn't be together.

OP posts:
Aneley · 25/11/2020 12:37

Please seek help - Womans Aid, tell your GP - tell someone in RL! This is absolutely awful - he hits you, he insults you - please speak to someone asap and leave!

Spotify82 · 25/11/2020 12:39

For all of you who asked. Sorry I couldn't reply. Snake pass is a windy road linking sheffield to manchester. It is very windy and uphill. I had a very heavy machine in my car, I felt like I was pulling the car to pick up speed, then being slowed down by this random car in front of me.

OP posts:
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