Can secret extra-marital relationships go on for years?

[PerplexedCat]

Can I ask people's opinion on how likely it is that an extra-marital relationship between a married man of 20+ years and a single woman could carry on for several years without the wife having a clue, and for the relationship to survive (perhaps in a different form) after her marriage to another man?
For info, I am the wife in this scenario.

I know of a situation where this exact thing happened, wife definitely suspected and the DH would reassure her that he was not having an affair. The affair partner (female) married her boyfriend while the affair was on a break. Their relationship was very on-off. They didn’t make it long term and are both now with other people. They didn’t trust each other.

I would have thought it depends very much on the character of the two people (obviously not from a moral point of view as they won’t have any there)

If

Errant husband has lots of time to come and go without explanation or with an excuse then it is possible.

I would also expect that the female involved doesn’t put huge demands on the man and is happy to get what she is given.

The continuing after her marriage is strange but again if two people can keep their council and not place demands on the other then it is doable.

Geography would be one factor. If they lived at other ends of the country and met once or twice a year in a hotel for a night's shagging, then I guess it could go on for donkey's years. If they lived in the same village or streets away, then it would be harder to conceal.

Most definitely. The brother of an ex of mine had an affair that went on for about 8 years. They are not together now, he’s not with the mistress or wife. Someone different again

I think pre-Covid it would have been perfectly possible if the husband ‘worked long hours’. Also known in France as a cinq à sept

FIL managed this for 34 years! Very geographically distant though, so who knows what it entailed.

See, I struggle to understand why a woman in this situation would get married to someone else? I would only marry if I loved someone.

I had an affair. It lasted over a decade. We were both married! I even had a child to my married lover. His wife found out, they moved away, but not really far enough away, only about 50 miles. They then moved again, this time about 6 hours from me, but by then I’d divorced and ironically relocated to about 90 minutes from their new home town. I never bothered to see him again but he has messaged on Facebook, phoned me from his work phone and wished me a happy birthday. This is now 30 years later!
I’m not interested in him and I’m very happy with my new husband (new for the last 10 years now) but had I wanted to I could still be shagging him 30+ years after it all started.

If a couple want to, nothing can stop them. Bar emigration to the moon!

I also know of a decades-long relationship, with a child born to the OW who eventually contacted the other family to ask if she could go to her father's funeral. (The wife was also no longer there by that point and the family welcomed her and stayed in touch.)

Of course it can.

But you clearly have suspicions. What's been happening?

@PerplexedCat

See, I struggle to understand why a woman in this situation would get married to someone else? I would only marry if I loved someone.

What makes you think she didn't love the other man?

We met a couple on holiday, the husband and his girlfriend.

They had apparently been seeing each other about once per month when he was in a different town working.
And then he went away a lot on business and usually took his gf. They went on holiday together each year
At the time he said his wife thought he was in India on business.
No idea what happened to them but at the time the affair had been going on for 10 years.

One of the other hotel guests who we got to talking to did in conversation ask why she was wasting her life on a guy who was clearly never going to leave his wife.
And there was a lot of joking about how he only had her as his gf because she provided him with free accommodation and meals when he was in town.

I think we hoped that underneath the joking that the message got through to this woman that if he hadn’t left his wife by now then her dreams of walking off into the sunset with him was never going to happen.

Sure. It does happen.

What makes you think it is happening to you?

A former work colleague carried on with his mistress despite proposing to and marrying his long-term girlfriend. I never understood why. I think he just wanted to have his cake and eat it; the girlfriend had the money.

@PerplexedCat

See, I struggle to understand why a woman in this situation would get married to someone else? I would only marry if I loved someone.

It is possible to love more than one person. Love is not a finite good, and some people can compartmentalise better than others.

@PerplexedCat

See, I struggle to understand why a woman in this situation would get married to someone else? I would only marry if I loved someone.

I don’t even understand your question.

The man involved is already married. He obviously has no trouble being in a marriage of convenience and shagging someone else.

So why wouldn’t the female affair partner want the same deal for herself - a husband for money / housework / childcare / emotional labour / wife work and another man for fun / shagging ?

I know of two men in our town that have been well known to have a girlfriend for over 20 years. I assume the wives were aware but turned a blind eye. They would always be seen out with their mistress. Sad really

Yes.
My DH has a friend who is married and a girl friend who his DW thinks is just a mate he goes to gigs with and spends nights in hotels with. He has been sleeping with her too. It’s been going on for years.
I don’t bother with any of them!

Yes it absolutely could happen.

Sometimes people believe they have a connection they "can't help" but for practical/emotional reasons they can't quite bring themselves to make the leap, or it's actually more of a fantasy than a reality.

In my experience, these situations can continue (consistently, or on and off) for years and years.

It’ll go on as long as both parties want it to, I suppose.

Regarding only marrying for love... well, that’s you. Other people feel differently or as others have said, she does love him. Love for a partner and lust for someone else can coexist; I don’t think everyone who has an affair hates their partner. Situations are complex.

Businessmen with money who travel a lot can fund these things with time and money. Under the cloak of business a lot can be hidden.

Look at what Oscar Schindler was able to hide from the Nazi regime, then it’s no small surprise what a man can fold into a very busy business life.

I have seen company funds invested into real estate - flats in London, Italy and South America all for R&R on business trips.

My mum's best friend was the OW to some married man for about 30-40 years. They had a daughter. My paternal grandfather also had an OW for what 30 years? They had a few children together.

It could happen if they are both narcissists and are therefore extremely good at compartmentalising. It is often said that narcissists are drawn to empaths - this is true for their primary relationship; the spouse, for instance is likely to be an empath - but what is not so often stated is that a narc may often end up in strange push/pull relationship with another narc. Essentially, it's an aspect of the narcissistic personality that a person will recognise an aspect of themselves in another and will therefore be naturally drawn to them (because they are narcissistic!).

A relative of mine was engaged to one woman and moved in with another. The situation went on for at least 5 years before he confessed to the fiance (forced to by circumstances that would have brought it all out in the open). He married the woman he lived with and they had children but he kept seeing the ex-fiance on and off for years until she eventually met someone else and ditched him. As far as I know the wife has no idea about this (he used emotional blackmail eg. think of the kids etc etc to keep friends and family quiet). She did become aware of other affairs after that but put up with it for years for the sake of the kids (he's now out of her life). I think he only got away with all of this because he worked away a lot so none of the women suspect anything if he couldn't see them for a few days/weeks. The women also mixed in different social circles and he had separate friends who knew each of them.

Yes it can. A client of mine (widow) was in a relationship with a married man and he stayed with her Monday-Thursday night and with his family Friday-Sunday. They had been seeing each other for over 10 years.