Can secret extra-marital relationships go on for years?

[PerplexedCat]

Can I ask people's opinion on how likely it is that an extra-marital relationship between a married man of 20+ years and a single woman could carry on for several years without the wife having a clue, and for the relationship to survive (perhaps in a different form) after her marriage to another man?
For info, I am the wife in this scenario.

Oh yes there was 'Mrs Wilson' on TV last year. Based on a true story.

Mr Wilson drops down dead and 2/3/4 other Mrs Wilsons come to light

I know of an affair that went on whilst the man was in his first marriage then he carried on still with the other women, then went on to get married to another women, the affair is still going on during the second marriage.

I've been having an affair with a married man for nearly 2 years. He's also been having an affair with another woman for about 10 years. His wife doesn't know apparently although I find it hard to believe that she doesn't at least have some idea that he is unfaithful. It works for me but i do wonder what would happen if one of us got pregnant or if he became ill. But generally I try not to overthink it and just enjoy my time with him. I usually see him once or twice a week.

I've been having an affair with a married man for nearly 2 years. He's also been having an affair with another woman for about 10 years. His wife doesn't know

You need to get a little self respect!

Surely it's the man @atiabalba is sleeping with who should be ashamed?

@atiabalba

I've been having an affair with a married man for nearly 2 years. He's also been having an affair with another woman for about 10 years. His wife doesn't know apparently although I find it hard to believe that she doesn't at least have some idea that he is unfaithful. It works for me but i do wonder what would happen if one of us got pregnant or if he became ill. But generally I try not to overthink it and just enjoy my time with him. I usually see him once or twice a week.

Make sure you don't become pregnant! That would be a disaster, you would lose the freedom you have at the moment with this arrangement. If the 'other' other woman becomes pregnant or he falls ill, neither is your problem. Look after yourself. I am assuming what you have suits you and your circumstances.

Of course.

Where there is a will there is a way.

I worked with a lady 20+ years ago, she'd been seeing this man for 15-20 years, his story was he wouldn't leave his wife as their daughter had a long term disability but actually I think he was just stringing the lady I worked with along. She didn't complain but I think she'd missed the opportunity of a family herself (she was then 48, he was a lot older) The bloke concerned died last year afaik the affair was still going, he was a well known local business man, and they'd turn up at events as a couple, everyone seemed to know he had 2 public lives, with the wife and kids and with the affair lady, most strange. I met him quite a few times, he was very charming but something not quite nice about him, almost smarmy. I wouldn't have bought a used car from him.

Yes I know a few men who have long-term (years to decades) affairs, at least a couple with children both inside and outside the marriage.

I think that in almost all cases the wives suspect but don't want to leave for whatever reason.

@atiabalba

I've been having an affair with a married man for nearly 2 years. He's also been having an affair with another woman for about 10 years. His wife doesn't know apparently although I find it hard to believe that she doesn't at least have some idea that he is unfaithful. It works for me but i do wonder what would happen if one of us got pregnant or if he became ill. But generally I try not to overthink it and just enjoy my time with him. I usually see him once or twice a week.

I hope that at some point you believe yourself to be worth more than being a secret and / or less than first choice for someone. If you have to try not to overthink then you clearly aren't that happy with the arrangement, or you wouldn't have to stop yourself overthinking. I hope you find some way of being happy that doesn't involve being with a cheat whos behaviour is likely damaging your self worth and would definitely damage his wife's if she finds out.

@Tosleepperchancetodream

Surely it's the man *@atiabalba* is sleeping with who should be ashamed?

My self respect comment was meant in a you deserve more than that ... type way. A man who is openly sleeping with three women is probably casually shagging a hell of a lot more! Dirty dog indeed.
Get yourself checked for STI's and move on!

@PerplexedCat

See, I struggle to understand why a woman in this situation would get married to someone else? I would only marry if I loved someone.

You've assumed that she would only be able to love one person - which isnt accurate. Love is not magic, it's a brain chemistry thing and you can love a lot of people at once.

You've also assumed people always marry for love, which, again, isn't accurate.

The situation you describe has happened countless times in history and isn't uncommon at all.

OP are you okay ?

Yes it totally happens. My friends mum had an affair with a married man for over 25 years. Mental.

Only marry when you love someone? Aren't you are so lucky.

It’s not at all uncommon
A friend had an affair with her ex boss for 25 years , until his death.
He wouldn’t leave his wife and older children.
I always felt she wasted her life.
After his death she was totally alone.
OP are you ok ?

I had a friend who had a 3 year affair with a married man, it only stopped when he had a child with his wife and she finally cottoned on that he wasn't in a "sexless" marriage.

But practically he was a salesman who worked away a lot and was required at head office (away from home) 1-2 days a week. She worked at head office so they stayed together in his hotel 1 or more nights a week.

If she hadn't ditched him it could easily have still been going on.

My MILs best friend was in a relationship with a married man for over 18 years after they met at work. They had a daughter together and she always expected him to leave his wife...he never did. She finally called it a day and has basically accepted she wasted her youth waiting for him. Very sad for all involved...except him of course 🙄

Very likely.

I know someone who is happily married, has no intention of breaking up any relationships but having a (mostly emotional) affair with a colleague. Colleague is also happily married with no desire to break up marriage.

It has gone on for several years and very very few people know about it as they are extremely careful not to leave traces or follow a regular pattern.

It really made me question my views on affairs and my understanding of how/why they occur.

My dad did it for about 16 years. My mum knows now, it's treated like an open secret. My parents are still married, my dad still sees the other woman. Divorce isn't on the cards.

I know of a lady who has been in a relationship for 45 yrs. He comes round twice a week. He is married and she is now widowed.

His wife now has dementia and so he can't leave.

I had a boyfriend in my early twenties who was married and I knew nothing about it. He said he travelled to my area for work and lived with his mum, so we met at a hotel two nights a week and he would occasionally stay at mine at weekends (I assume he told his wife he was on some kind of trip) but then as soon as I started talking about getting more serious and maybe him moving in with me he was forced to come clean.

It went on for two years, his wife never found out, and as far as I know they're still together.

@Newwayofthinking

I know of a lady who has been in a relationship for 45 yrs. He comes round twice a week. He is married and she is now widowed.

His wife now has dementia and so he can't leave.

I expect they are all right as they are and she wouldn't want him to leave his wife, especially not now.

There was a poster on here a few years ago whose husband had an affair with someone who married her boyfriend and then carried in the affair. She was very bitter and blamed the woman totally.