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Original poster

Can secret extra-marital relationships go on for years?

156 replies

PerplexedCat · 25/11/2020 11:02

Can I ask people's opinion on how likely it is that an extra-marital relationship between a married man of 20+ years and a single woman could carry on for several years without the wife having a clue, and for the relationship to survive (perhaps in a different form) after her marriage to another man?
For info, I am the wife in this scenario.

OP posts:
EpochTime · 25/11/2020 11:56

@PerplexedCat

See, I struggle to understand why a woman in this situation would get married to someone else? I would only marry if I loved someone.
You struggle to understand this because you have a neuro-typical view of love and marriage (and that isn't meant as an insult). I think a lot of people view marriage in this way. However, there is the possibility that a woman whose AP won't leave his wife will continue to have needs that can only be met within a marriage. If she cannot get her AP to leave his wife, she may well seek out another to marry. In line with my earlier comment, if this woman is indeed in two separate relationships, it is likely she has some element of NPD.
OverTheRubicon · 25/11/2020 12:01

Absolutely.

Friend's husband not only did this, but fathered the OW's eldest daughter (unbeknownst to the OW's husband) and was named her godfather. Unsurprisingly he was also a bit crap at doing his duty as a godfather, so worst of all, my friend ended up unknowingly buying birthday and Christmas presents for her husband's love child until it all came out very explosively about a decade later. 15 years, they'd been having the affair, and would probably still be going if they hadn't got caught out on a 'business' trip.

SoulofanAggron · 25/11/2020 12:02

Businessmen with money who travel a lot can fund these things with time and money

@Tessiot On any income people will find a way to cheat if they want.

@EpochTime I think a mistress can also be a gullible empath. So they fall for whatever sob story/lie the bloke has given about his marriage.

Lamentations · 25/11/2020 12:02

It can. An ex had a friend who I only ever met in company with his girlfriend but who was actually married with DC. The GF also had a young baby who everyone swore wasn't his and yet they'd been having the affair for a couple of years by that point 🤔

ekidmxcl · 25/11/2020 12:04

Sorry to say it’s very possible.

My dh had an affair 10 yrs ago. The OW actually had her own boyfriend at the time as well as shagging my dh.

Anyway. Affair discovered by me and “ended”. We stayed together. The OW married her boyfriend (who knew nothing of the affair - I don’t know him and couldn’t/didn’t tell him) and she had a baby.

1 year ago I found out that dh had been having another affair with this same OW. Apparently “only” for the last 2 years, not 8/9 years. I don’t think my dh is the father of OW’s baby, who is now about 6/7yo but I can’t say for sure.

Then OW got married and had a baby.

ekidmxcl · 25/11/2020 12:05

That last sentence shouldn’t be there!

BecomeStronger · 25/11/2020 12:10

I think these kinds of "arrangements" are quite common but I doubt the wife is completely unaware very often.

Moscowvium · 25/11/2020 12:14

I love the way some posters are trying to stir by saying "no the real question is, what makes it think its happening to you"

I was shocked to hear Rick Stein had been dipping his spoon is someone else's bouillabaisse for five years behind his wife's back. My first thought was how could it go on that long, but it turns out it was only when he would go to Aus and he just found more and more excuses to film or go there on business. What a pollock

Silentplikebath · 25/11/2020 12:29

I worked with someone who had a long term married boyfriend. She was divorced with children and didn’t want a full time partner. She was happy to go out for nice meals or the occasional weekend with him. The man’s wife hadn’t wanted a physical relationship for a long time but wanted to stay married as they still got on well. The ‘arrangement’ suited everyone for many years.

unmarkedbythat · 25/11/2020 12:33

I love the way some posters are trying to stir by saying "no the real question is, what makes it think its happening to you"

It's not "trying to stir" Hmm by asking op why she thinks this is happening to her. It's trying to work out what op is seeking from this thread so that there is a better chance she gets it. Odd, though, that you would think of asking a question like that as 'stirring'.

ravenmum · 25/11/2020 13:00

@Moscowvium

I love the way some posters are trying to stir by saying "no the real question is, what makes it think its happening to you"

I was shocked to hear Rick Stein had been dipping his spoon is someone else's bouillabaisse for five years behind his wife's back. My first thought was how could it go on that long, but it turns out it was only when he would go to Aus and he just found more and more excuses to film or go there on business. What a pollock

OP said "I am the wife in this scenario" - so she must think it's happening to her. Other posters were asking for more information about that.
davekim · 25/11/2020 13:09

I know someone who's father had an entire second family! It only came out after his death earlier this year. The other children even worked for the family business and no one (except the people who made up the second family) knew.

Moscowvium · 25/11/2020 14:00

But her question was very clear - "can they go on for years? "

Her question wasn't "is my husband having an affair"

In my view, the addition of I am the wife in this situation is to frame it in the context of can a man have an EM relationship for years?

ravenmum · 25/11/2020 14:06

People were kindly trying to get OP to come out of her shell if necessary, to offer her support. She's presumably not feeling too good right now, let's not make her thread into an argument.

AlternativePerspective · 25/11/2020 14:08

@ ravenmum did the woman you knew live in Bristol per chance?

Sunnysideup321 · 25/11/2020 14:13

I only read in a problem page in a newspaper about an affair that carried on for 45 years until the husband found out and unfortunately committed suicide and the lady moved her lover in the week of the funeral. So it definitely can happen.

But as for you not knowing, thats no reflection on you please believe me thats a reflection of how deceiving and manipulating your partner is.

ravenmum · 25/11/2020 14:21

@AlternativePerspective

@ ravenmum did the woman you knew live in Bristol per chance?
No, that'll be someone else...
AlternativePerspective · 25/11/2020 14:23

Thinking about it more, the dad of one of my school friends had an affair pretty much since the youngest child was born. Here though the DW knew, and worse still, the GF used to ring the house to speak to him, and the kids knew who she was. Shock.

After the youngest left school the wife ditched him and he moved in with the OW. She threw him out after six months and he tried crawling back to his wife who by then had seen the light....

AlternativePerspective · 25/11/2020 14:27

@ ravenmum clearly these things are not uncommon...

The one I knew was a relative of my eXH. She was in an affair with a married man for the duration of her adulthood. Worse still, she called off her engagement to someone else to be with this bloke. They had a child together but he would only see them once a week. After his wife died several decades later they stayed together but never changed their living arrangements. He’s dead now and similarly she had to reveal that the daughter was his. As per above though, his family have welcomed the OW into their lives... From what I gather, their life with their mother was far from a good one. Doesn’t justify what he did obviously, but apparently th mother had, erm, issues.

MingeofDeath · 25/11/2020 14:38

My mother had an affair for years with a married man who's family lived in Ireland. He used to be working away in the UK and visted his family twice a month so it was very easy for them. It was even easier when my Dad died as she din't have to sneak out of the house whilst he was on nightshift. I still think to this day that he is my biological father as I am so different to my siblings. My mother always denied it and maintained that she was pregnant with me when they met.

ravenmum · 25/11/2020 14:40

In the case I know, it was the (adult) daughter of the OW who was welcomed. The family felt terrible that she felt she had to ask to go to her own dad's funeral, and they were pleased to have a new half-sibling, even if it was a shock at first. I don't know what happened to her mum, she might already have died too.

AmelieTaylor · 25/11/2020 14:41

Yes it can, & does

I guess it's possible (just frowned on by society) to love people in different way, fir different reasons. In much the same way you can live you Mum & your Sister and have completely different relationships with them, neither being about how you feel about the other.

I'm not saying it's a 'good idea' & it certainly must 'take away' from each relationship, but it doesn't mean they don't love 'the wife' (husband or whatever)

I'm sorry if your DH is doing this and you are feeling very hurt etc, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

But obviously you do NOT have to tolerate it and throwing his shite out in the front lawn, changing the locks & telling him to fuck off is a completely valid response!!

JacobReesMogadishu · 25/11/2020 14:46

Sadly quite possible.

I used to work in a very male dominated environment and most of my male colleagues were having affairs.

user1481840227 · 25/11/2020 14:46

Some people manage to have 2 families with neither woman being aware of the other relationship. No idea how they manage it but yes it happens!

Tosleepperchancetodream · 25/11/2020 14:53

Yup, this is me - similar to what @Silentplikebath described, I'm divorced and very independent and my AP is married and works away from home four nights a week. He stays here when he's working. I get a lovely man to look after me when I'm working but my weekends and holidays are free for my family and friends. He gets...well, me I suppose, and no disruption to his family. And his wife gets her DH three nights a week and for holidays (I honestly don't know what she feels about him, whether she knows or suspects about me or whether they have sex - he says not, I'm not bothered). Their marriage doesn't sound great but not awful either, they certainly co-parent their DC well and everything is very stable. I neither want to disrupt that nor want him full time, I'll certainly not get married again.