Can secret extra-marital relationships go on for years?

[PerplexedCat]

Can I ask people's opinion on how likely it is that an extra-marital relationship between a married man of 20+ years and a single woman could carry on for several years without the wife having a clue, and for the relationship to survive (perhaps in a different form) after her marriage to another man?
For info, I am the wife in this scenario.

Someone asked a really good question up thread but it was not answered. Would the passion not die down for the affair partners as years go by?

She always wanted him to leave, but his children would have never allowed it.

She is 77 and he is in his 80s

He wasn't happy and should have left and now it's too late

Yeah I know I know 2 people both married used to meet for sex last Thursday every month no contact or anything in between went on for over 10 years.
Just fizzled out .

Is it harder/easier to forgive a long term infidelity

I know someone who has been having an affair with a married man for 9 years. They live in difference areas. She's lovely. He seems to adore her. Apparently he would never "abandon" his wife. She's single and doesn't see the need for a live-in man. He spends every other week at her place.

Perhaps I should add that they are both over 60s

@EddyF

Someone asked a really good question up thread but it was not answered. Would the passion not die down for the affair partners as years go by?

It changes in the same way any other relationship does but these long term relatiinships aren't all about sex, in the same way that a long marriage isn't

Yes it's completely doable. I know of a man who works away during the week in various locations, sees his gf/ow 2/3 nights a week, sees her kids, they've even been on holiday a few times, then goes home to his wife on a Friday and leaves on Monday morning. This has been going on for years

I knew someone who was the new wife of the OM in this situation (sexes reversed). She had no clue. From hearsay, he told her that as his lover had all the benefits of being married he thought he might as well marry too.

Both men were in the Navy, both women on shore.

Thank you everyone for your input. It has helped clarify things for me. Sorry if I might sound a bit vague or muddled but basically I have been trying to unravel the last 9 years over the past few months and I have found it quite difficult.
Although I directly pointed out to my husband some things which concerned me about his relationship with a particular woman, his reaction was what I have subsequently learned as DARVO. Soon after his aggressive reaction, though, he assured me there was nothing going on. Unfortunately, I have since realised that all our conversations were related to the present tense so it doesnt rule out the possibility that something might have been happening previously.
The reason I thought he might be telling the truth is that I didn't understand how a woman could remain in communication throughout her recent marriage and pregnancy with someone she might have had an affair with. Because of this, I assumed that any communication would be because they are just friends.
I wouldn't have had a problem with this except for the fact that I only realised they were 'friends' purely by chance this year when he was texting her during lockdown. He had never told me they were friends and I can see no reason why he wouldnt have mentioned this beyond the fact that he wanted to keep it a secret. I don't have a history of jealousy or paranoia, I had never once during our relationship of nearly 30 years ever snooped on his phone or computer, I have never felt the slightest concern when has has gone away on business trips. Unfortunately, that woman doesn't exist any more and I am now revisiting lots of odd things that have happened over the last 9 years and some things seem to be suggesting that they are in some weird relationship.

OP it can be really hard to get your head round!

It's really hard to imagine that the man you're married to, have a happy relationship with, go on holiday with, move house with, go through life with for years, through all the above is conducting a similar relationship with someone else right under your nose!

When I started to become suspicious, I really struggled because if I was wrong it was a really awful thing to accuse him off, part of me couldn't believe he was capable of it! But he was!

I was only proved right because he died and the whole thing exploded.

I did meet with her once afterwards, my councillor recommended it and I asked her the questions you're asking, why stay in a relationship with him, he wasn't leaving me, we were going on holidays, moving house building our life - her reply ' because I loved him'

🤷‍♀️

And I so understand the looking back and thinking things weren't quite right!

Obviously for me I have the benefit of hindsight but things like New Year's Eve 1999 - the start of a new Millennium he was working the door in a pub. I went to see in the New Year with him, watch the fireworks - she was there too, with her friends - I didn't think much of it at the time, now I look back and think WTAF!

Thank you @Isolatedizzy. It really helps to read about your experiences and to know that someone really gets what I am trying to explain.

Someone I know has been seeing a married man for 10 years now, she's married too. She tells him she is seeing friends but actually sees her lover. They live near each other and actually she has bumped into his wife a few times intentionally.

When I found out about my ex's affair, I had a similar experience OP, of looking back over the years - about 5 in my case - and realising that other odd little things I'd noticed might make sense if you saw them in a certain light. Not with his final OW; with a couple of other women.

In my case the "odd things" inluded mentionitis, or him being really excited when we went to certain places and told me about what he'd done with his work colleagues there, that kind of thing. One woman had visited us and he'd been so excited he forgot the party was in my honour and got everyone to toast him. Like you, I'd filed it all in my subconscious even though I honestly had no suspicions whatsoever at the time.

With the final OW I only found out what had really happened through reading emails; I knew something was up as our dd had seen messages, but I'd never have guessed all the nonsense they had been up to if I hadn't snooped. They'd been on holidays together and I hadn't even realised he was more tanned than he should have been... you'd never piece it together without evidence.

R*avenmum 'you'd never piece it together without evidence'
*
Exactly that! Once you know you can't believe you didn't see it before!

Yes, I know a bloke who had a wife and three sons. He also had a girlfriend and a fourth son.

I know someone who has two late teen / early adult children with a man who has been married for their entire relationship. He initially said he would leave his wife when the children he shared with her became adults, those ‘children’ are now in their 20s/30s and he still hasn’t left but the affair is continuing.
I also used to know a lady who was in her late 50s, she’d fallen in love with a married man in her very early 20s and her entire adult life had been spent being his mistress.

A friend of mine had a 13 year affair with a married man. She was divorced with kids, abusive exhusband, she’s very empathetic, thought he was “the nicest man in the world”, thought he was trapped in a bad marriage and didn’t want to leave his kids. She spent 13 years thinking this man was on the verge of being with her. He did eventually tell his wife and she threatened to block access to the kids (friend saw the angry texts). The man had a nervous breakdown, stayed, the affair went on for a while but he never mentally recovered and became jealous of her. It broke her heart as she was devoted to him and loved him to bits. It was hard to watch as it was the last thing she needed after her abusive marriage.

Oh, and she said the sex was always amazing, it did not get boring. He did things round her house for her, even had her create a to-do list, they went for meals, a few short breaks, but in the end she’s still alone and more broken than before.

Hi OP, I know exactly the feeling you describe. The bottom drops out of your entire world. You will question everything. Look after yourself, it is awful. But you can move on.

My exDW had an affair almost from the start of our relationship, apparently tried unsuccessfully to end it after we were married. The guy was a friend of hers, I have platonic female friends so never had an issue with it, never really occurred to me to be suspicious as I'm not wired that way. He even came to our wedding, I discovered years later he had been with her the night before. It ran for 5 years until it came to light. I then thought back and pieced together the little clues I had ignored, joined the dots and snooped on her emails after her initial denials and gaslighting.

I was devastated, we had 1DC (2) and I never wanted her to experience this. But I realised I could not give her a happy childhood in such a poisoned atmosphere so I left within a year and 15 years on I'm very happily remarried. That daughter now has 2 younger siblings she adores, and is happy, well balanced and now at least she has seen what a happy relationship can be like.

Oh yes. Lots of clues or brief moments over the past 3 years or so that had been filed in my subconscious.
Now I cringe and feel stupid for not realising.
She even flew with him (pretending to be separate travellers) on a flight I was working.
Unbelievable but true!

I am still trying to get my head around how someone (Colin) can love person A (Sally) but marry and have a family with person B (Karen) whilst Colin is still claiming to be in love with Sally.

If Sally loves Colin and is wanting to marry him, why didn't Colin marry Sally instead of Karen?

I don't understand how 'you can be in love with two different people'.

I guess my question isn't so much about people having affairs after they are already married (meeting someone afterwards), but rather people who claim to be in love with someone but marry someone else and continue to 'love' the first person iyswim

It seems like in these instances affairs could have been avoided by the two lovers marrying each other instead of other people

I don't understand how 'you can be in love with two different people

It all depends on what you mean by love. To you it obviously means a monogamous sexual relationship. But lots of people have multiple sexual partners , it’s very common.

Lots of men enjoy having one woman to do all the work and another for fun.

Colin likes having Karen to run his house , raise his kids and remember his mother’s birthdays. But all that work and domesticity is useful but a bit boring . So he keep Sally for fun.

Sally is a great listener and she tries really hard in bed. She cooks him romantic meals at her place and never asks him to put out the bins. As their time together is limited, she always makes it special - she never makes demands and always fits around his schedule.

And while Colin is with Sally ( oh I mean working late ) he gets to avoid some of the most tedious parts of parenting and family life.

So it’s win win - the best of both worlds. What’s not to like?

Of course Colin loves his life and he knows what to say to both women to keep them happy.

It seems like in these instances affairs could have been avoided by the two lovers marrying each other instead of other people

You are missing the point. Once they marry / live together it won’t be fun anymore. The thrill and the drama will be replaced by laundry and taking the dog to the vets.