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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is this acceptable?

58 replies

wickham · 18/10/2007 23:57

My husband and I got into an argument and I slapped him a couple of times. He freaked out and twisted my arm then pushed me onto the bed and held me down. He was very aggressive and his actions resulted in me finding myself with numerous bruises the next day. He was very sorry but argues it was self defence. his is very loving and kind but has a bad temper. He would never hit me without me having slapped him, but I am concerned since his outburst/defence was so forceful and and I don't feel my slap deserved that.

He has been saying he will go to anger management since he does get very angry over things and will frequently swears at me.

What I don't know if is this acceptable. I can't imagine leaving him and certainly I was the one who hit him first, but I have never been hit by a man before and feel it is something that shouldnt happen, I feel he should have walked away. i also feel that he was not just defending himself but actually attacked me. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

themoon66 · 18/10/2007 23:58

Of course it's unacceptable.

littleNonSpecificHolidaylapin · 19/10/2007 00:00

It's unacceptable. I also feel you shouldn't have slapped him either though (not that that in any way excuses his action). I think you need some professional help.

harpsichordcarrier · 19/10/2007 00:00

no, it wasn't self defence although he may feel he was provoked. his reaction was out of all proportion to your attack, unless you are understating the "slap".
no it is not acceptable. neither is it acceptable to hit him.
I think you both need to recosnider how yo udeal with conflict and anger.
hpw is the rest of your relationship? is he supportivein other ways? how is he as a father?

nappynuttynormabutty · 19/10/2007 00:00

Both you and your dh's behaviour was unacceptable..

susiecutiebananas · 19/10/2007 00:07

I think you know the answer to this already really... and you probably also know you slapping him is not any more acceptable either.

Its is easy for things to escalate in this way, and get out of control. You clearly both need to really evaluate your relationship. It would seem you have lost some, if not all, of the respect you have for each other, other wise you would not have slapped him in the first place.

Counseling would be a good first step, either together, or seperatly. You man not think it is such a huge problem, but what about next time you lose your control and hit him, maybe harder, or with something.. or he does to you?

Try to put a stop to this before it seriously gets out of hand...

I'm not being judgmental at all, i hope it doesnt seem I am, just trying to be objective. I do understand how these things can spiral out of control. Before long if you dont sort it this time, it may well just become an accepted part of your relationship, which i'm sure neither of you really want.

mamazon · 19/10/2007 00:07

of course his behaviour is unacceptable but you had provoked him with being violant. i get tired of women who feel it is ok to hit a man as if it doesn'thurt.

youdint just slap him once through temper you slapped him "a couple of times"
has it occured to you that he was in pain and twisted your arm to prevent you hitting him again?

of course this is still wrong, he should haev waled away, left the room..anytghing but use physical aggression.

but this is not one way i would suggest you BOTH get some anger managment and fast.
i also think that you need to realise your part in this. YOU are a violant and aggressive partner and YOU have subjected him top domestic abuse.
YOU behaved appaulingly and YOU could quite easily be charged for it.

Original poster

wickham · 19/10/2007 00:07

He is actually a great father and will do anything, get up in the middle of the night cook dinner change nappies etc. he is very stressed with work and feels i pressure him about wanting bigger house etc.

I am quite surprised this happened. He can get very moody and that is his downside, and it infuriated me that night sos I slapped him. We do argue quite a lot mostly about money and because he feels I expect too much of him. I think he flipped almost having a breakdown, he feels terrible say he will do therapy etc, but it has shocked me and I don't feel like hugging him any more which is hard as he wants lots of hugs. I feel like we have crossed a line where I find it hard to go back.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 19/10/2007 00:09

You slapped him - that is pathetic and unacceptable.

His retaliation was unacceptable, but I'd judge your own actions first.

mamazon · 19/10/2007 00:10

errm have you apologised to him for hitting him? do you notthinkhe was a little shocked to get hit in the face?

im sorry but this really aggrevates me.

fortyplus · 19/10/2007 00:12

Totally agree - why make out he's the bad guy? You started it - you are the one who 'crossed the barrier' - he just followed you.

harpsichordcarrier · 19/10/2007 00:14

hold on a second.
wickham may well have learned patterns of behaviour for dealing with anger and conflict from a long time ago.
I imagine whatever slapping went on her dh did not find himself with numerous bruises the next day.
provocation is not justification.

Original poster

wickham · 19/10/2007 00:18

I haven't actually apologised to him and perhaps I should. I slapped him twice because he can become so infuriatingly rude and moody. It is not something I would regularly do but I jsut felt at my wits end with him. It does all seem quite ridiculous. We have an amazing relationship often particualry away from children and work but I think that the pressure of supporting a family and living up to expectations and a stressful job is perhaps sending him over the edge. Maybe I should tolerate him being rude and moody and be understanding but is hard and frustrating especially when I know how well we can get on away from stress.

I know I am to blame too but I can't see him in the same light after this. One thing is shouting but this incident has terrified me

OP posts:

mamazon · 19/10/2007 00:19

im a victim of Dv myself and no of course provocation is no excuse for him becoming agressive..as i have stated.

BUT wickham seems to be completly unaware of her own actions. the fact her partner was not covered in bruises is irrelevant.

i was often kicked and punched but didn't have any visible marks. didn't stop it hurting like hell. and if i tghought i was string enough to not get an even bigger kicking i would have hit back too.

he should have walked away or left the room or anything BUT she behaved badly and is just as if not more so violant and yet she seems to think it is not an issue. IT IS!

fortyplus · 19/10/2007 00:19

If someone slapped me and I was strong enough to hold them down on the bed to stop them doing it again then that's what I'd do. She probably got the bruises from trying to wriggle free.

To be honest I would be more concerned that he gets angry and swears at her. What agreat example to the children.

mamazon · 19/10/2007 00:20

if you are being rude and infuriating can he hit you?

im sorry but this is wrong.

fortyplus · 19/10/2007 00:23

He twisted her arm and forced her down on the bed. Not nice, but it's not a blow.

fortyplus · 19/10/2007 00:24

In fact she says he twisted her arm but he probably just grabbed it to stop her hitting him - pushed her down on to the bed - a soft surface - and held her down till he knew she wouldn't hit him again.

She did the hitting, not him.

I'm not wasting my time on them any more...

Pan · 19/10/2007 00:30

It's probably the escalation of physical contact that is most concerning - that new barriers have been breached, and you don't know where this will end. You DO need to find the root of your frustrations.

Am a bit at your apparent ease in off-loading the responsibility here......and your concerned about his "moodyness"...without being concerned at your own willingness to use violence? And suggest he should have walked away??

Also, had drink been taken?????

other · 19/10/2007 00:32

I have changed my name to write this, Please read it as intended, I was angry with my dh, he wouldn't listen and we had an out of character, dreadful arguement. We both got too cross. We both lost our tempers. We both lashed out, me first and I banked on him being the decent bloke he is and doing nothing, however, you actually can only push people so far, and as women we do have to accept that you cannot dish it out and play the feminism card to not get it back! Clearly none of my thoughts were concious at the time, as were none of his. However, one small row later, where I lashed at once, and scratched my husband lightly, we were both dreadfully ashamed, out of character etc, we were both cautioned with common assault. Being male doesn't automatically make him the guilty one. Women also have a responsibility to respect the way we treat men.

Original poster

wickham · 19/10/2007 00:38

Hi 'other' That does make a lot of sense whagt you just said and has made me think. It is the feminsim card you play I suppose you can almost think its ok to give a man a slap and everyone sees happen now and then particualry on tv etc. But it is just a shock, but I suppose it is fair enough and I guess we should both try and sort out this stress and I should help alleivieate his pressure and both find ways to talk things out more calmly.

OP posts:

Elizabetth · 19/10/2007 00:40

You slapped him because you were frustrated and it sounds like he attacked you back because he wanted to retaliate and he used what you did as an excuse to be much more violent to you than you were to him.

There's no excuse for hitting someone smaller than himself (what is the height and weight difference between you?). A larger person can walk away, they don't need to defend themselves the way he did.

I'm amazed at people here telling you that you are equally at fault or that this is domestic abuse - domestic violence is a reign of terror that leaves two women dead at their partners hands every week in this country. You shouldn't have slapped him, but he has left bruises and behaved in a very frightening manner. People seem to think that men and women are equally matched in a fight when normally the opposite is the case.

other · 19/10/2007 00:48

Oh for goodness sake, this is not about bigger than you or not.. This, to me seems about 2 people who equally lost their temper, only the bigger one (in this case male) left more marks. This may not sit well with some people, but d'ya know what? Neither does life. Women should not always be able to say "I'm smaller" and get away with whatever. I can only talk for me, and I did not behave in a way I am proud of or should have and my husband should not be expected to stand there simply because he is a man. Come on ladies, his is 2007!!!!

Pan · 19/10/2007 00:52

I don't think posters are seeking to apportion blame particularly. And, we all know that in most of these circs., the man is the larger stronger. My post, and others, were expressing a concern that wickam appears to be doing a bit of responsibility-avoiding. Thats all.

and
I am curious about the drink thing....

PurpleOne · 19/10/2007 01:31

No excuse for whose bigger and stronger IMVHO.
You slapped him. If this happens on a regular basis, of cousre one day he will retaliate.
This isn't DV either, I've been there

Both of you apologise for what you both did, hug close and talk. Maybe get some counselling together?

minorityrules · 19/10/2007 02:22

You cant slap someone and not expect something back, (some of the time, some people never hit back)

You hit him more than once, he restrained you in a way that probably wasn't acceptable but hat was he supposed to do? Stand there and get hit a third time? Walk away and be accused of not facing up to the problem?

No one should use violence as a way of deeling with frustration. I'd use this to open discussion and getting some counselling (both of you)

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