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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is this acceptable?

58 replies

wickham · 18/10/2007 23:57

My husband and I got into an argument and I slapped him a couple of times. He freaked out and twisted my arm then pushed me onto the bed and held me down. He was very aggressive and his actions resulted in me finding myself with numerous bruises the next day. He was very sorry but argues it was self defence. his is very loving and kind but has a bad temper. He would never hit me without me having slapped him, but I am concerned since his outburst/defence was so forceful and and I don't feel my slap deserved that.

He has been saying he will go to anger management since he does get very angry over things and will frequently swears at me.

What I don't know if is this acceptable. I can't imagine leaving him and certainly I was the one who hit him first, but I have never been hit by a man before and feel it is something that shouldnt happen, I feel he should have walked away. i also feel that he was not just defending himself but actually attacked me. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

TimeForMe · 19/10/2007 16:21

Very well said singingmum! I totally agree!

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 19/10/2007 16:22

If he slapped you first wouldn't you have pushed him down onto the bed and restrained him if you could?

If he ever does anything physical first then yes thats very unacceptable.

Having a bad temper and swearing is also unacceptable but at a different level and to be honest I think tis somethign a lot of people do - I guess it depends how often its been done. DH has lost his temper with me and sworn and vice versa, but not often.

Its good he says he will go to anger management. I think if you want your relationship to work then you need to move forwards. It sounds like he's very remorseful and can forgive you for slapping him. I think you need to forgive him, accept that it was a one off and he's very stressed and was pushed (yes, yes I know that its no excuse for dv). Maybe you should have relationship counselling.

mamazon · 19/10/2007 16:25

Elizabeth - i know more than most about the effects of domestic violance i do not need a lecture about the statistics from you. try searching both my name now and my previous posting name (fattiemumma) and you will see just how well i know.

this does not mean that Wickham is not equally to blame here.
she hit him repeatedly and is violant.

DV works both ways im afraid. Wickham you need help

singingmum · 19/10/2007 16:39

One other point domestic violence is not only described as man against a woman but as abuse of a partner no matter what their gender.
Women fought for equal rights not more rights.It works both ways.
Also it was said on this thread that domestic abuse is a campain or reign of terror.What wickham has described here does not appear to fit that description.

MitfordSisters · 19/10/2007 20:21

I've been in a really similar situation - hit and kicked DH and he responded by squeezing my arm and giving me a massive bruise. I've tried the victim thing - it doesn't really wash as I know I started it. Trying to do what allhallows said and keep a promise to never use violence again.

Hope you talk it through and come to a new and better understanding

lilacclaire · 19/10/2007 20:32

Totally agree with singingmum.
If he had slapped her and she restrained him giving him a couple bruises we would be telling her to kick him out!

vixma · 19/10/2007 20:32

You should both look for anger management, if possible...Both of you behaved in an unacceptable way, he should of not held you down.... that is wrong. If you are a great mum and he is a great dad it is obvious you both good parents, however you are not great together as you sound as though you do not get on. Get support together or apart, cos their is one thing argueing however you are both being physical, that sounds miserable.

MyTwopenceworth · 19/10/2007 20:40

You should not have hit him. He should not have pushed you. It seems though, that you think that it was somehow ok that you slapped him, but you were a victim of domestic violence when he restrained you. I disagree. He didn't even hit you back (I bloody would have!) He grabbed you roughly after you assaulted him and he physically restrained you to prevent you from continuing your attack upon him, and, no doubt, because he was bloody angry with you. I think you owe him an apology for starters, and go from there.

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