is this acceptable?

[wickham]

My husband and I got into an argument and I slapped him a couple of times. He freaked out and twisted my arm then pushed me onto the bed and held me down. He was very aggressive and his actions resulted in me finding myself with numerous bruises the next day. He was very sorry but argues it was self defence. his is very loving and kind but has a bad temper. He would never hit me without me having slapped him, but I am concerned since his outburst/defence was so forceful and and I don't feel my slap deserved that.

He has been saying he will go to anger management since he does get very angry over things and will frequently swears at me.

What I don't know if is this acceptable. I can't imagine leaving him and certainly I was the one who hit him first, but I have never been hit by a man before and feel it is something that shouldnt happen, I feel he should have walked away. i also feel that he was not just defending himself but actually attacked me. Any thoughts?

He's abusive.

It's not acceptable.

Ever.

I agree with those who have commented on your slaps too- i'm sorry, but male or female, if you physically attack someone, it's not unreasonable to expect something back.

you both need to look at yourselves tbh.

Did the children witness any of this?

You are both abusive and I really think you should seek prefessional help (counselling/anger management etc) to deal with this.

Discussing who is more at fault or more to blame is not the point.

Physical violence is never acceptable, in any way. Please get help before this affects your children.

Surely you have options other than either tolerating him being rude and moody, or slapping him?

You could try using your words, or walking away.

Hitting is never acceptable, from anyone. You both behaved horribly. It sounds like he's (maybe) taking some responsibility for his actions - you don't seem to be.

You both are at fault here.

Turn the tables. If he had slapped you first would you have just "taken it" and walked away because he was thinking that that is what you should have done because normally you are such a sweet little darling?

You did something wrong here and so did he, but I really don't think you should put all the blame on his shoulder.

You should admire him for realising that he has a problem and for being willing to address it and do something about it. Make sure that you do the same please.

To echo other posters on here, violence is simply never acceptable from men or women. Neither party can or should absolve themselves of reponsibility. If you've got any feminist principles, you just can't hit someone and say "I'm just a poor little woman so it's okay to hit someone". Yes, in an ideal world he should have walked away but being slapped really bloody hurts and you really don't want it to happen twice let alone three times or more. (To anyone who doesn't think a slap is that bad, I suggest they get one of their mates to come round and slap them hard in the face and see how much fun it is).

As others have said, at least he's taking responsibility by going to anger management. It sounds like you could do with going with him?

Its unnaceptable that YOU slapped him!!

It was YOU that started the violence.

He didnt hit you, he restrained you - possibly to stop you from committing further violence towards him!

Im not defending his actions but it certainly wasnt unprovoked.

Jesus people, he left bruises. He responded in an incredibly violent way.

If someone smaller and weaker than you slapped you would you a) slap them back b) walk away or c) do what this violent git did and attack them leaving bruises?

Two women die every week due to domestic violence. It takes on average 35 attacks before a woman reports domestic violence to the police and even then nothing much happens to the men who do it. I can see why now, given the sort of attitudes on this thread.

As for this being a male-female thing, it's about who is bigger and who is smaller. I'd be saying the same thing to the OP if her smaller, weaker partner had slapped her and she'd attacked him in retaliation leaving bruises all over him.

"You hit him more than once, he restrained you in a way that probably wasn't acceptable but hat was he supposed to do? Stand there and get hit a third time? Walk away and be accused of not facing up to the problem?"

You think what he did was facing up to the problem? You sound like you're patting this guy on the back for what he did. I can't believe I'm reading this.

If a little child slaps a much bigger and stronger child and that larger child lays into the small one and leaves them bruised and frightened would you really all be congratulating the large child and telling the small one that's what they can expect?

it's not about size, it's about respect. men are the victims of domestic abuse too, only they are often ridiculed not pitied. they were both in the wrong, the fact that (you assume) she was smaller doesn't mean she wasn't being unreasonable, or that it didn't hurt.

and tbh, i think him grabbing her arm and pinning her down was about restraint, if you read the post, he didn't strike her. plenty of people would have hit back, not restrained.

i think you're both to blame for the suituation.you can't smack him around the chops then play the victim, and i am not saying that he was right to twis your arm, but i think you both need to sort your anger issues out

Both of you behaved unacceptably and both of you ought to see a counsellor urgently. It is not acceptable for adults to lash out at one another.

I'm not defending the slap. If you are getting so frustrated with your partner that you slap him I think it's time to take a good long look at the relationship. However to liken a slap to domestic violence which is a campaign of terror and control that men wreak on women (and the number of male victims is very small and most of them are gay men being beaten up by their partners) is simply ridiculous.

This idea that what he did was OK because it was "restraint" is complete bull. What wickham describes there is what a lot of women are subject to but never make the connection that it is domestic violence because they haven't actually been hit.

I'm going to ask again, how many people would respond the way this man did to a slap from a smaller weaker person?

Just to add that he also swears at her. Verbal abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse.

If a man is verbally abusing you once again it's time to think very carefully about the relationship.

Oh for god's sake Elizabetth stop twisting people's words.

Nothing in the original post suggests anything about domestic abuse and (almost) no-one else has interpreted it that way. Wickham actually says "he would never hit me without me having slapped him".

No-one here is condoning him or patting him on the back. Everyone is saying that both parties are at fault and should get counselling. People are, however, noting that he apologised and has agreed to go to anger management but wickham hasn't agreed to do either.

But in answer to your question, if a "smaller weaker" person slapped me twice in the face and I thought they might do it again then I'd absolutely try to restrain them. A friend of a friend ended up in hospital with a fractured jaw and scratches all over his face when his "smaller weaker" girlfriend attacked him.

totally agree cestlavie, especially:

"No-one here is condoning him or patting him on the back. Everyone is saying that both parties are at fault and should get counselling. People are, however, noting that he apologised and has agreed to go to anger management but wickham hasn't agreed to do either. "

I haven't twisted anybody's words. Wickam's description of what happened is there for everybody to see.

I'm amazed that you'd react the way this man did. If it was me, I'd walk away. But then unlike this man I don't have the abuser logic that bad behaviour from one person gives me the green light to retaliate out of all proportion.

I am lucky enough to not know what I would do in a situation where somebody slapped me Elizabetth, though one thing is for sure I would not let them get away with it. They would either get restrained, slapped back or reported to the police.

Do you know for a fact how you would react in a situation where someone slapped you.

Bearing in mind that a slap to you might mean hitting to somebody else. Wickham says that she slapped him twice. The "attacked" person might have felt that she hit him twice.

That's the beauty about life is it not, one person sees a colour as red the other person sees it as being pink. None of us will ever know which one is right?
Is Wickham right that she "only" slapped him (indicating in my eyes that she is saying that what she did was not very hard) or did she hit him (as the receiver might have seen it and therefore reacted the way he did)?

Of course it isn't acceptable - from either party.

[You hit him more than once, he restrained you in a way that probably wasn't acceptable but hat was he supposed to do? Stand there and get hit a third time? Walk away and be accused of not facing up to the problem
You think what he did was facing up to the problem? You sound like you're patting this guy on the back for what he did. I can't believe I'm reading this]

If a little child slaps a much bigger and stronger child and that larger child lays into the small one and leaves them bruised and frightened would you really all be congratulating the large child and telling the small one that's what they can expect?

I haven't said anything about a pat on the back, I think he dealt with the situation badly. When I said walk away and be accused of not facing up to the problem, I meant she was already so very very angry I presume she this would anger her more (It does me, though I have never hit a man) He dealt with the situation, at the time, but did it badly

As for small child hitting bigger child....yes, I would say to smaller child 'serves you right' Hitting any size is unacceptable

I think you're v. brave to be so honest on MN. Good on you.

The last time I lost my temper at dh I threw an empty wineglass at him. The dc wintnessed the row & it affected them terribly. Ds became violent & dd was withdrawn. I was horrified & felt absolutely sick with guilt.

So I promised myself never, ever to throw anything or hit anyone again. Not even a smack on a naughty child's bottom. And somehow I've managed, although I have a wicked temper, too.

Difficult one this, not knowing full story.
I don't think it is acceptable to hit anyone, man to woman, woman to man, or child.
However I have slapped dh around the face once around 8 years ago. His Mum had died and for weeks he was going out every single night (yes every night) to the pub and getting very heavily drunk. I wouldn't know where he was or when he would be home.
He arrived home about 1am one night and I felt like I didn't recognise him, I asked him where he had been etc and he started shouting stuff at me, most of which didn't make sense. He said he hated me and wanted me dead, so I slapped him twice around the face. He looked at me stunned and carried on swearing. I locked myself in the bathroom and called my Dad, he drove out to collect me.
Dh didn't hurt me or retaliate. I don't think I did anything wrong. It was an instinct to slap him.

The next morning he phoned me and I said I would only go back to him if the drinking stopped. We are still together.

This man has admitted to having a prob with his temper.
He has apologised for restraining her forcefully.
He has agreed to get help
Meanwhile:-
She says that she hasn't apologised
She says she's suddenly worried he's violent
She doesn't think that she deserved to be stopped while commiting a violent act.
If this was the other way around I am beginning to think that some would congratulate her on stopping the attack.Surely we should be looking at this in the same way as we would if it had been the other way around.
Also,we don't know that the brusing wasn't caused when she hit him or went to and he grabbed her arm to stop her.Often when someone stops another person from hitting they catch the arm in mid stroke and that can cause bruising.We also don't know if she was swearing at him most of us do while annoyed or arguing.
Neither of them should have hurt the other,however to make the leap to abuse because someone stopped another person from hurting them is ridiculous and very much an over-reaction.
I have seen what abuse can do to people and believe me if she was being verbally abused in a way that could lead to violence on his part she would have had no confidence in herself or have the ability to hit him.If you wish to look at this as an abuse case then she infact is not the victim but the abuser

Whickam says she doesn't feel her dh was acting in self defence, she feels he was attacking her.

I just wonder Whickam, if you have given any thought to how your dh may have felt when you slapped him. Do you not think he may have felt he was being attacked?

You say you feel he should have walked away. In the same light do you not feel you should have walked away from the argument rather than slapping your dh?

Physical violence is physical violence, full stop! Whether it be a slap, a punch or a twist of the arm.
In my opinion your own behaviour was no better than that of your dh, you were provoked by the argument and he was provoked by your slap.

He does seem to be taking responsbility for his actions and is actually owning what he has done.
I don't sense that you are doing the same.