Dealing with a narcissist? Come over here for some support.

[fluffynotebook]

I just wanted to make this thread as a bit of help and support for anyone who’s dealing with a narcissist.
I’ve just come out of a covert narcissist friendship and struggle to find any support groups so leaving this here for anyone who feels they need it.

@Hereforadvice1000 - Well Done on picking up on his behaviour and seeing the red flags. Better realised now, than in 2 years time... or 20 years time.
You know you need to get out, don’t you?

Can anyone give me any legal advice ? Posted here before but I'm beyond fed up. On paper he owns the house but I pay all the bills appart from his car and his car insurance, he keeps his wages solely to himself and I use my money to pay the bills, he sometimes has to give me half to my mobile contract (he smashed my phone an gave me his old one an said I had to pay but I actually pay his too) he said if I want to end things I have to leave the house with the kids( fair enough ) but I have our 3 kids and 2 are disabled and the other is a baby. Is their anything I can do because financially I am under the Ocean at the very bloody bottom with about 50 bricks on my anckles right now... I have £75 spare a month an that's to cover things like nappy's and milk and then any supprise items the kids needs (usually undies and my sons special food he needs)

I'm about to crack up I honestly cannot take any more this week!

Are you married spidermomma?

My ex was a psychopath, I spent several years recovering from him. Books I recommend are Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship and Psychopath Free.

I've written a post about my current online dating woes but Mumsnet keeps saying 'please login first' just after I've logged in. Does anyone know why this is? Sorry to ask on this thread, I'm not sure where else to ask.

@SunflowerButterfly - I've found the Lundy Bancroft book useful too - lots of highlighted paragraphs there!

I'm not sure what to advise you about the logging in details. I' s never had that myself? Switch phone on & off? Uninstall app & then reinstall?

@DelilahDingleberry no, this is we're I'm stuck so whats his is his even though I pay it all....

@spidermomma Nobody on here can give you legal advice, only support. Have you tried a free 30min consultation with a family lawyer to find out about legal aid? Womens Aid? Any friend or trusted person in RL you can ask to make the call for you, if it's not possible at home?

Anyone have any advice on how to best respond to the rage and accusations? Grey rock? Defend yourself?

@Moutainwoman

Leave, and don't look back.
You cannot reason with a narcisist.

Checking in.

Fairly certain my maternal grandfather is a narcissist, and am slowly realising that my mother and sister have inherited some traits and/or think his behaviour is acceptable.

I try to keep my relationship as low contact as possible - grey rock method is life changing! - but have been under pressure from my mother recently to let them know I’m pregnant.

It’s really hard I don’t think my mother is toxic enough to cut off, but am struggling to put boundaries in place with my grandparents without my mother instantly being on the defensive about it all. Any time I make a suggestion that works for my mental health and relationship with them I’m “being hormonal” or unreasonable

Grey rock. Its the only way.

@spottymasks

Your post struck a chord with me. I not only made myself emotionally available to him but physically too. To my utter shame I allowed him to use me as his supply, even believing that it was me using him. It wasn't. It was him using me by treating me with utter disregard. I went through the whole painful process when he met someone else and then was shocked when she ended it with him after only a few weeks! She accused him of gaslighting her and my wake up call was that she had seen through him quicker than I ever did. I still need to have contact with him for our daughter but now, that's all. Im still healing

Mine hasn't been diagnosed yet, on a long waiting list.
It's not a grown up though, and I can't divorce my own child.
The signs are all looking that way, or something very similar.

Me, dh and the wider family have realised we have been manipulated and emotionally abused for about 5/6 years now.
A pathological liar who plays head games with you.
Currently been termed a CIN by social services and we are scared what they will do next.
So many referrals to ss, so many years of child claiming abuse at home, some really horrible accusations, not just they hit me.
Looks like we will have cctv cameras at xmas to protect ourselves.
I know it's a child, (almost 17) but how can somebody plot ad scheme to hurt you so much?

@tragedyhands

That must be hard. No idea what advice to give but didn't want to read and run

Thanks Belladonna.
Think I might start a thread. x

@tragedyhands

You really should. I started a threat when the narc started seeing someone and my manxiety was through the roof. It helped me so much. The support was amazing, no one judging me just offering very good advice. It's amazing how many people are in similar situations when you put it out there

@fluffynotebook

Our situation is so similar. Am also trying to escape a very close friend who has definite covert narc characteristics. She’s currently giving my the silent treatment. I’m caught between grief at the loss of a friendship (she does have positive characteristics too) but also desire to be away from all this negativity and drama. It’s really hard right now. Like you I have to see her at the school gate and even worse our daughters are really good friends. Argh.

How are things with you?

@RabbitsGoneRogue

So good to hear from you. That does sound similar, although must be a nightmare if kids are v good friends too!
Luckily with mine the kids aren't that close, in fact one of hers has behavioural problems and has it in for one of mine for no apparent reason so good to cut ties in that respect. I honestly think he has an attachment disorder because of who she is.
At the beginning of lockdown this year she didn't text so much and I honestly felt relief. I've had my doubts about her for a while and couldn't put my finger on it.
It was only when I did some internet searching that I came across narcissism and then it all just clicked.
I've cut contact drastically this year and only text when she texts me which isn't very often as she has new supply now. I see her at the school gates and offer a very cheery hello, most days she either completely ignores me or pretends she hasn't seen me or just talks to our mutual friend instead of me. I'm slowly learning not to be bothered by her behaviour and just trying to be thankful that I'm out of it but it's not easy. In the meantime I'm just focusing on stuff at home and trying to build a new life without her in it.
Like you as well, my narc has good points and aside for her being the way she is I get on quite well with her. I think we have a lot on common but now after reading what narcs are like I don't know if it was lies to keep me hooked in or what. I guess I'll never know.

Hi, ive just left my partner a few weeks ago, ive often wondered if he was a narcissist or not so would like your opinions please...

First off, and this is why I doubt hes a narcissist, he would never say anything nasty about my looks...

He would call me paranoid if I accused him of anything (which I had reason to) and he would always turn things around in me.

He always had to be right, and if it was proven he wasnt he would say its false!
If I did something he didnt like (turn down sex, or say no to cutting his hair that night or say no to taking a dirty picture of myself) I would get hours of silent treatment and a ‘I mustn't fancy him’
response.

If I went out on the very rare occasion I did, I would get silent treatment, or if I didnt text him he would kick off and wonder who I was with. He didnt like the fact I could get drunk with my friend but not him whilst at home...

If I didnt text him all day cause I was busy or left my phone in The car I would get agro...but he was fine with not texting me for hours with no reason as to why.

Theres probably more that I cant think of right now but what are your opinions? A narcissist or just a kn*b ?!

@AmywithanL
I think definitely a narcissist by the sounds of it.

@AmywithanL
Just reading through again, glad you're out of there. The best thing you can do is no contact if possible so you can begin healing.
What was he like in the beginning of the relationship?

Thanks for your response, yeah a lot has happened. We were together for 7 years. We were good at first i suppose, however we met on an online date site and it wasnt very long after My husband walked out on me...probably 4 months. In that first year id found out ( by coincidence) that he was still seeing his long term gf, was still using dating websites (using pictures I took of him) and that he had a daughter that he never sees as he says shes not his ( looks very much like him) and even after all that I stupidly stayed with him cause he was a pretty good (bullshitter) liar. He has always been sneaky with his phone, I pulled him up on it once and he refused to let me see his phone to which i told him to leave. He swore it was nothing and that he had actually set up a whatsapp group to plan my proposal. Again I stupidly went along with it and a month later on news years eve he was drunk asked me to go upstairs to which he had written on a used envelope ‘will you marry me’ no ring no down on one knee, nothing.....but guess what I said??!
A few weeks later I found out I was expecting. I had 2 children from my previous relationship which is ultimately why I stayed with him i think as I didnt want to break up another family. For the next year or so after our son was born we were good. He is in the army so we never lived together, he came home at weekends and even then he was in a footie team so was there every saturday for hours too. When he was away through the week he would go silent on me for hours saying he was either askeep or making tea or playing xbox. He would say he was on duty so couldnt come home but I would find receipts with loads of alcohol purchased for that night and I wiuldnt hear anything from him...
I received a whatsapp from him earlier this year I saw it just before he deleted it, had xxx on the end and was to a girl at his work. Told me she was his best friend, he loves everything she puts on fb, doesnt even like my stuff...he went to her sons bday party whilst he was on leave with me, On my day off. I hinted for him to stay but he went...bought her flowers to say ‘thanks for i viting me to sons party’ Only knew cause I found the receipt. Very rarely bought me flowers. On the weekend I left he told me he was on exercise so couldnt cone home, he completley ignored my whatsapps, said he couldnt chat as he was out on the field yet he was online on and off all day. So the next day I told him id had enough. Had to do it through text as he wouldnt answer phone...and I couldnt wait till I saw him in person as id had probably changed my mind. So I did it like that and nothing...not a text, phonecall nothing for 4 days until he asked if he could take our son for the weekend. And thats what its been like ever since, we havent spoke about it he hasent text nothing, other than to ask how our son is doing once...

Hey guys

I've read up on this Grey Rock thing and I think I'm gonna have to start trying this way.
I tend to reply back to my narc in such a rambling way in an effort to constantly defend myself and appease him and it's just making things worse. How do you grey rock someone when you're being accused of things (regarding DC) and trying to prove you're not the unfit mother he is trying to paint you with?

Following.

I've just removed myself from being a 'target', though I haven't entirely left my covert narcissist/the situation. Every time I do, they do something to make me feel guilty. So I'm trying to avoid them, am making plans and trying my best to move on.

Thing is, I do love and care about this person. Crazy as that may sound. I'm deeply attracted to them too.

I've had triangulation, hoovering, devaluing. Not proper discarded - yet - which is why I haven't completely left.

Haven't RTFT, but can imagine there are others who can relate to this.

@AmywithanL
Sorry for the late response. What a horrible thing you've been through. It must be tough when kids are involved too.
I did wonder what he was like in the beginning as narcissists are the kind of people that are so charming in the beginning.
My ex-friend is so lovely with everyone else and yet she continues to be awful to me in the most passive aggressive way. But because she's a covert no words are exchanged that are direct making it harder for me to say anything. Not that I ever would. I just keep acting normal and show she's not getting to me.